Are meetings necessary?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Are meetings necessary?
Hi there- I posted an introduction in the "newbie" bit today. Basically, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I have a highly addictive personality, and just can't drink moderately (or do much else moderately!) It's all or nothing. It's no surprise that I've ended up like this really, given I grew up with two abusive, alcoholic parents. Not that I am putting all the blame at their feet. I need to start taking responsibility for my own actions and feelings.
My dad is now a recovering alcoholic - 15 years, I think. He is quite involved in AA, at a head office/board level. He also lives in the same area as me, and I can't imagine seeing him at a meeting. I would find it beyond mortifying. Especially, as I imagine I would end up talking about some childhood issues at some point, and I'm not ready to talk to him about it. I've tried to in the past, a long time ago, and he would not take any responsibility for the things he did. I get on ok with him now, but don't want to discuss anything too deep with him. I just can't.
Anyway! I guess my question is - how important are meetings? Can recovery be done alone or via online things, like this forum? Or should I go a bit outside my area, and try a meeting half an hour away or something?
This is all very early days for me, so any advice would be very much welcomed. Thank you
My dad is now a recovering alcoholic - 15 years, I think. He is quite involved in AA, at a head office/board level. He also lives in the same area as me, and I can't imagine seeing him at a meeting. I would find it beyond mortifying. Especially, as I imagine I would end up talking about some childhood issues at some point, and I'm not ready to talk to him about it. I've tried to in the past, a long time ago, and he would not take any responsibility for the things he did. I get on ok with him now, but don't want to discuss anything too deep with him. I just can't.
Anyway! I guess my question is - how important are meetings? Can recovery be done alone or via online things, like this forum? Or should I go a bit outside my area, and try a meeting half an hour away or something?
This is all very early days for me, so any advice would be very much welcomed. Thank you
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Of course, no one has to go to meetings. A lot of people find them helpful, some find them necessary.. but obviously, the people who say they couldn't have stayed sober without going to AA meetings are people who, well, went to AA meetings AND stayed sober. Not all AAs stay sober, not all sober people are in AA.
I have 18 weeks and I haven't done any meetings this time around, but I did them in the past. I did not find anything but triggers in the rooms. Seeing my father in one of those rooms certainly would be a major.... well, maybe not a trigger at this point in time, but it's certainly not something I would want to experience. Unpleasant is a severe understatement. So I get you. I had the alcoholic and abuse parent(s), too, and it is not blaming them to point out that it's why we ended up alcoholics.. it's just a fact, and it sort of helps to understand the "why".
I have 18 weeks and I haven't done any meetings this time around, but I did them in the past. I did not find anything but triggers in the rooms. Seeing my father in one of those rooms certainly would be a major.... well, maybe not a trigger at this point in time, but it's certainly not something I would want to experience. Unpleasant is a severe understatement. So I get you. I had the alcoholic and abuse parent(s), too, and it is not blaming them to point out that it's why we ended up alcoholics.. it's just a fact, and it sort of helps to understand the "why".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
I think they're necessary for you if they're necessary for you, otherwise no. 
Lots of people have gotten and stayed sober strictly through online support, and many more have not used group support and just quit on their own (like I did long ago with coke and weed). In my experience, the farther down the hole you've gone, and the more drinking is wrapped up in your life and lifestyle, the harder it will be to stop the madness without face-to-face meeting group support, but only you can say what's necessary for you.
Lots of people have gotten and stayed sober strictly through online support, and many more have not used group support and just quit on their own (like I did long ago with coke and weed). In my experience, the farther down the hole you've gone, and the more drinking is wrapped up in your life and lifestyle, the harder it will be to stop the madness without face-to-face meeting group support, but only you can say what's necessary for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Are meetings necessary?
Short answer -- no.
But, many sober ones sobered up in the rooms of AA.
AA helps to remind me of where I came from and where I'm heading to.
Plus, newcomers find much support there.
M-Bob
Short answer -- no.
But, many sober ones sobered up in the rooms of AA.
AA helps to remind me of where I came from and where I'm heading to.
Plus, newcomers find much support there.
M-Bob
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I got sober without going to meetings, but AA has helped millions of people get sober, so it's worth checking out if you're inclined. And yes, going to meetings in the next town might work best for you if you're afraid you'd meet your father at a local meeting.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by BrickbyBrick83
Can recovery be done alone or via online things, like this forum?
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Meetings are a huge part of my recovery. From the instructions of AA, "Half measures availed is nothing." It is my opinion not going to meetings is a half measure. The problem is when we give a 50% effort we get 0% sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
going to meetings and not drinking don't treat alcoholism.
working the program does.
many people have recovered without meetings and just doing what the big book suggests.
buuut,
should you go outside your area- to meetings a half hour away?
what lengths did you go to to get drunk?
what lengths are you willing to go to to recover?
I got sober in smalltown northern Michigan. outside of smalltown, next closest meeting was a 52 mile round trip. next closest 70 ish miles round trip. that was just one of the lengths i was willing to go to to recover.
im not sure why you would have to discuss anything with your dad or talk about childhood issues at meetings- you don't have to say anything if you don't want to.
id encourage you to pick up the big book. start reading it. head over to the 12 step forum here and post any questions ya may have.
and good on ya for making the decision to stop drinking and change!
working the program does.
many people have recovered without meetings and just doing what the big book suggests.
buuut,
should you go outside your area- to meetings a half hour away?
what lengths did you go to to get drunk?
what lengths are you willing to go to to recover?
I got sober in smalltown northern Michigan. outside of smalltown, next closest meeting was a 52 mile round trip. next closest 70 ish miles round trip. that was just one of the lengths i was willing to go to to recover.
im not sure why you would have to discuss anything with your dad or talk about childhood issues at meetings- you don't have to say anything if you don't want to.
id encourage you to pick up the big book. start reading it. head over to the 12 step forum here and post any questions ya may have.
and good on ya for making the decision to stop drinking and change!
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by tomsteve
many people have recovered without meetings and just doing what the big book suggests.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
What's most important in recovery in my opinion is first accepting/acknowledging the problem. What you do next is going to vary widely, but whatever it is will involve a major change in your lifestyle. AA is but one of many organized recovery programs, albeit probably the most well known one.
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 01-06-2017 at 06:38 PM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
There are lots of folks on this forum who have gotten sober using this community as their "meeting."
One advantage of AA is that you get to build sober friendships in real life. Also, as you grow to value those friendships, your accountability grows, because they expect you to stay sober.
Check out the secular forum for folks who work with the rational recovery ideas (there is a book). That approach is more about making a powerful decision in your life to stop drinking, without using the group model.
Bottom line, people are absolutely capable of quitting on their own or using an Internet community. If you go that route, you have to find a way to rebuild your life without the insta-community of support in AA.
You'll find a zillion approaches on these boards. It is an excellent place to start...
One advantage of AA is that you get to build sober friendships in real life. Also, as you grow to value those friendships, your accountability grows, because they expect you to stay sober.
Check out the secular forum for folks who work with the rational recovery ideas (there is a book). That approach is more about making a powerful decision in your life to stop drinking, without using the group model.
Bottom line, people are absolutely capable of quitting on their own or using an Internet community. If you go that route, you have to find a way to rebuild your life without the insta-community of support in AA.
You'll find a zillion approaches on these boards. It is an excellent place to start...
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
To me, yes- because going to meetings serve key purposes as part of my program. Group support, sharing when I need to or just listening, hearing from others, putting all of it into the context of my BB study and step work, the routine of having such practice into my schedule.....attending a meeting is one thing; having a program that includes meeting attendance is a whole other ball game. That's my game.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth 
I had the alcoholic and abuse parent(s), too, and it is not blaming them to point out that it's why we ended up alcoholics.. it's just a fact, and it sort of helps to understand the "why".
I've never really talked to anyone about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Thank you so much for the advice everyone - it's kind of a relief that I don't have to go to AA specifically, if I don't want to. I will go to a meeting at some point, just to see what it's like (in a couple of towns over!) and will go from there.
and will go from there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Why not actually talk to your Dad about this? It might be that there are some meetings that could work for you both being there (Big Book study or Step Study for example, where the talk is about the program rather than ourselves) , and others wouldn't be so comfortable for either of you. He's likely to feel exactly the same way you do about it, so it's more a case of agreeing the boundaries about who's going where. I suspect that if you don't have that conversation you're going to be worrying that you'll bump into him, or someone who knows him at a meeting, and what he will say or think about you going but not chatting to him.
Most personal stuff tends not you be shared in meetings with the whole room anyway. That would be one to one with a sponsor, or close AA friends as you make them. No one actually has to say anything in a meeting if they don't want to, and anyway, we learn much more by listening than by talking.
I hope your out of town meeting goes well enough that you feel emboldened to chat to your father about the more local meetings.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Most personal stuff tends not you be shared in meetings with the whole room anyway. That would be one to one with a sponsor, or close AA friends as you make them. No one actually has to say anything in a meeting if they don't want to, and anyway, we learn much more by listening than by talking.
I hope your out of town meeting goes well enough that you feel emboldened to chat to your father about the more local meetings.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
