BrendaChenowyth

I forgot I also wanted to add this..

(Following a conversation about why I should go on some stupid dating site because I never go anywhere..)
"I did start going to church." (See? I go places)
"Oh really? Where do you go?"
"St. _____'s over in _____"
"So you're Catholic."
"Yeah"
"Cool. I never was one for picking one religion over another."
"I like it."
"Nothing wrong with that. You'll meet a nice Catholic boy then!"
(My sentiments exactly)

So that was that.. a pretty close paraphrasing. I was afraid to share with my mother that I have started going to Catholic church, because I thought she would judge me.. and the actual conversation went a bit differently. *blush*

Gilmer

That's fantastic that your mom responded in such a non-judgmental way to your news of attending church. I'm thrilled for you!

I'm sorry that your mom was so seriously misdiagnosed! I know I've been misdiagnosed twice for things by two different GPs. I'm glad your mom did not die as a consequence!

I also have had to conquer the conviction that every reaction is always all about me. I was an only child--I think that's 90% of the problem. Even now I default to worry--I have to reason with myself constantly.

BrendaChenowyth

Not so much a misdiagnosis, she has the neuropathy, it was the wrong choice of medication for her because of the one she was already taking.. and on top of all of the other adverse side effects, an increase in the neuropathy symptoms!! *rolls eyes* And it was her GP, so she should have had all of the information she needed, she was just negligent.. I understand that when the docs send their scripts to the pharmacies electronically, they can select "patient informed of potential adverse reactions".. so even if an alert comes up for the pharmacist, they get that message that it was approved by the doctor anyway, and they don't look further in to it.. so for all they know, that med interaction is mild enough to not outweigh the benefit of the drug.. in this case, however, that was not the case..

BrendaChenowyth

7 weeks isn't that long... is it? Is it more than enough time to get over an emotional addiction to someone that lasted a little over a year? Is it completely crazy that I still obsess over the person? When will it quit?

I called off work tonight at the last minute.. If it wasn't for having 18 weeks of sobriety, and feeling like that is too much time to throw away...

BrendaChenowyth

You know they say "people, places, things"..
I think I need to find a job where I am up and active all the time... this home care thing.. too much down time, too much time to think.. I need a change.

Gilmer

That could very well be.

About relationships in the workplace: I had a wise teacher who once told me, "You don't crap where you eat." Meaning that your job is your bread and butter, and if a relationship there turns to crap--it is very, very difficult to save face.

A job with less deep personal interaction might be a better fit until your brain can be gainfully occupied with an external relationship.

BrendaChenowyth

I had perspective once, but I don't know what I did with it... Seriously, I left that case and moved on to a new one and I took all the lessons I could from it... I have no intentions of crossing lines with clients or coworkers again. Smh.

I need more hobbies...

Gilmer

I am definitely better off when my mind is gainfully occupied.

BrendaChenowyth

I need variety, I think.. when I have too much monotony in life (get up, go to work, go home, to go sleep, repeat) I get depressed.. With home care, there is no reason I have to have just one client, one assignment, I could have one day where I stay in the same place, and then another day where I travel more..

(I think emotional self-care falls under emotional maturity.. and taking care to stay out of working conditions that emotionally exhaust me is a necessary part of making sure I don't backslide in maturity, and end up defaulting to old programming.. and either seek out unhealthy relationships, or relapse)

Gilmer

I think you're right.

PhoenixJ

I'll bet that dog gets the not crapping where it eats too. A salient point.

BrendaChenowyth

What dog?

I can't even sleep. I have issues, man!

Gilmer

The dog in my avatar, Wilbur the French Bulldog.

BrendaChenowyth

I realized today: I'm still chasing the adrenaline rush from a source that can't provide it any more..

BrendaChenowyth

I have realized that going back to nursing school at the same college I've been at means I have people in my life again who remind me of the severe deficits in maturity I used to have.. but this is good, I am being presented with opportunities to live outwardly the changes I have made internally, in that those people may be expecting me to be one way and I get to show that I have grown, and have that improvement reflected in the quality of these relationships.. In a way it helps me to mend some past mistakes..

It does however make me think about other mistakes from the past year and wish that I could mend those relationships and renews my frustration that I'll never be able to.

gleefan

Brenda - I graduated from college 18 years ago. Inhave a recurring nightmare that I have to go back for one final semester - and that I have to live there, and face the isolation resulting from relationships I wrecked.

The 12 steps have helped me accept my past and my mistakes. It doesn't gnaw away at my head like it used to.


Also, regarding work, Im working on chilling out but I like to have the routine of going to work, PLUS it has to be challenging.

GroundhogDay

I'm looking forward to this upcoming week. Get to stay at home. Very happy sitting in the living room with my husband and cats near the fireplace. Raining out, but cozy inside.

Just got back from a demanding business trip. First time in a while I was tempted to have a drink to take the edge off during a long, connecting, delayed flight. Did not give in to the urge.

PhoenixJ

Emotional maturity- get it, 'cos I don't always have it. Learning lots about inward thinking/feeling as reflected by the way I see/treat the world. The world, it seems does not really give a stuff. SO investing a lot of time in changing the world apparently to suit my conditions- does not work.
This upsets me- because no one informed me of this. I annoy myself greatly sometimes. I get riled up at myself when the actions of others makes myself want to do something about their actions. Like peeing half a litre of wiz over the toilet floor.
Lots of reasons why. Getting there slowly.

BrendaChenowyth

I wonder how I got from a place where I was so willing to allow my feelings to come up, to a place where I now repress everything again.

I put such an emphasis on being non-reactive and managing certain feelings.. I got over the need to be liked and to be involved with people in an emotional sort of way, like a soap opera sort of way, you know what I mean? I try so hard not to feed in to drama that it has left me very disconnected from people around me. Even in my nursing class, there are plenty of conversations had that I can not join in on because I find them very negative, so I'm left standing back and being sort of a loner again, even though I am genuinely interested in people and want friends..

I don't want to be pulled in to drama so I end up being detached sometimes to the point of being brusque and seeming like I don't care at all. I still need to practice detachment to a certain degree, but I need to allow some emotion back in, I want to be comfortable having feelings but knowing how best to respond to them.. I have just been shutting them down completely and it's probably because I am afraid I will react.

Can anyone relate to what I am saying? When I was drinking, I overreacted to everything, but in sobriety I've tried to be so disciplined that I have completely shut down emotionally. How do you bring that back to a happy medium?

paulokes

Overcontrol or undercontrol...That's my experience. Part of acoholism for sure and certainly part part of the ism that lies underneath and causes other issues.

Balance is the answer...taking me a long time to get there, but I am getting there That's what long term recovery is for me.

P