Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVIII: "New Year, New Moo!"
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Drops, you ask some very good questions. Make good points.
Cow, anyway you look at it, it is a difficult choice. However, it is a very good problem to have! You are fortunate to have this "problem." The sky god must love you.
Cow, anyway you look at it, it is a difficult choice. However, it is a very good problem to have! You are fortunate to have this "problem." The sky god must love you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Self-assess if the work is keeping you distracted and busy--if so yes
If only draining you and you hanging on by fingernails--no
I think overall the attitude change concept seems to be up-cycling you.
This suggests a challenge may be a good choice.
I'm sure the money won't hurt either.
What's your feeling about the project?
I get it is commercial shite, as it nearly everything out of H-wood, but
is there some long-term gain reputation / further work-wise to be had
by taking it and doing it well?
More data points needed for accurate triangulation, in other words. . .
If only draining you and you hanging on by fingernails--no
I think overall the attitude change concept seems to be up-cycling you.
This suggests a challenge may be a good choice.
I'm sure the money won't hurt either.
What's your feeling about the project?
I get it is commercial shite, as it nearly everything out of H-wood, but
is there some long-term gain reputation / further work-wise to be had
by taking it and doing it well?
More data points needed for accurate triangulation, in other words. . .
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi guys, first, thank you so much for think about this with me with such sincerity and thoughtfulness, it really touch me that you has take the time.
Second, I guess is my time to be sincere and admit I has episode of coffee/drinking since I been working again. I not want to tell you, cuz I was doing good, and was extremely stupid and devestating for me. It really lot harder on you if you been stop for a while. I mean BRUTAL. Almost went to hospital. Stupid madness. I not plan to ever does that again. Which I realize I say every time, but damn was that horrific. Has to be no caffeines for me period.
Anyways, job would probable be 2 year comittment with options to go longer. It not gonna be any award-winning or super creative work, but might keep me in game/employable as I get older.
Walk, I does realize this is what I call "a quality problem." But it also very big deal with lasting impact on my future. Could be pivatol decision in my life either way I decides.
As for game, I know Pathers gonna slaughter but I not can stand Cam Newton, so will root for Denver.
Second, I guess is my time to be sincere and admit I has episode of coffee/drinking since I been working again. I not want to tell you, cuz I was doing good, and was extremely stupid and devestating for me. It really lot harder on you if you been stop for a while. I mean BRUTAL. Almost went to hospital. Stupid madness. I not plan to ever does that again. Which I realize I say every time, but damn was that horrific. Has to be no caffeines for me period.
Anyways, job would probable be 2 year comittment with options to go longer. It not gonna be any award-winning or super creative work, but might keep me in game/employable as I get older.
Walk, I does realize this is what I call "a quality problem." But it also very big deal with lasting impact on my future. Could be pivatol decision in my life either way I decides.
As for game, I know Pathers gonna slaughter but I not can stand Cam Newton, so will root for Denver.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Cow,
You can be honest with us Moo -- we know its hard, especially under pressure, but sounds like that last foray might have kicked your ass into sober land for good, which would not be a bad thing. A bit like Sleeps with her PAWS action going down when she drinks. Like an internal automatic antabuse.
So on the job front, two years be long time, especially if you be working 12 hours a day. Talk about feast or famine GF.
For me, it would be more about saying in the game than the dosh. But staying in the game would be VIP for me.
But I have always been defined by my work. Not so much now, and I know if someone offered me a ways back, I would take it. Period. End of story, just being honest.
So take my thoughts with that big grain of salt.
I think the best advice you have gotten is to go with your heart. Problem for me would be that my heart would want job on good show, 8 hours a week, with enough vacation time to go to cabin. So anyway I go its going to be a less than ideal choice -- lots and lots of uninspiring work for good money with risks attached thereto, or not enough work and fear I blew your last best shot.
What I do in such a situation is make the decision mentally and sit on it for a while and see how I feel. Usually I know.
Concerning the big game, I am with you tonight -- but I think Denver may actually beat the spread at 6.
Things are looking up. Found out its on BBC 2 from midnight until 330am, which we get here, so I will be watching live this year.
Good luck to you, and the Broncos.
You can be honest with us Moo -- we know its hard, especially under pressure, but sounds like that last foray might have kicked your ass into sober land for good, which would not be a bad thing. A bit like Sleeps with her PAWS action going down when she drinks. Like an internal automatic antabuse.
So on the job front, two years be long time, especially if you be working 12 hours a day. Talk about feast or famine GF.
For me, it would be more about saying in the game than the dosh. But staying in the game would be VIP for me.
But I have always been defined by my work. Not so much now, and I know if someone offered me a ways back, I would take it. Period. End of story, just being honest.
So take my thoughts with that big grain of salt.
I think the best advice you have gotten is to go with your heart. Problem for me would be that my heart would want job on good show, 8 hours a week, with enough vacation time to go to cabin. So anyway I go its going to be a less than ideal choice -- lots and lots of uninspiring work for good money with risks attached thereto, or not enough work and fear I blew your last best shot.
What I do in such a situation is make the decision mentally and sit on it for a while and see how I feel. Usually I know.
Concerning the big game, I am with you tonight -- but I think Denver may actually beat the spread at 6.
Things are looking up. Found out its on BBC 2 from midnight until 330am, which we get here, so I will be watching live this year.
Good luck to you, and the Broncos.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Yeah, was thinking maybe I should start set alarm for 6AM and see how that work. I mean, I already know that gonna be cruel and unusual punishments, but can I actual even physically get self up and going in morning when is time I feel worst. ...without caffeine. And has to figure out how I will do my limited diet and such.
I know I can be honest with you guys. It not you I was protecting, it moo.
Thanks again for all you help, Drops. Go Broncos!
I know I can be honest with you guys. It not you I was protecting, it moo.
Thanks again for all you help, Drops. Go Broncos!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Well, if that rider you sent me with your "modest" requirements is any indicator,
I expect they'll be hard pressed to meet your needs:
Fresh Gardenias selected by nubile ex-virgins on your writing desk?
Hourly foot massages from defeated GOP candidates in tutus?
Buffalo-liver pate on slivers of toasted rice paper on demand?
I expect they'll be hard pressed to meet your needs:
Fresh Gardenias selected by nubile ex-virgins on your writing desk?
Hourly foot massages from defeated GOP candidates in tutus?
Buffalo-liver pate on slivers of toasted rice paper on demand?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Cow,
another perspective: all your different ways of trying to get and stay sober haven't worked out so well.
so why worry about the pressure this job might put on you as far as ongoing sobriety? i'm not being snarky, i think it's a valid question.
if you need excuses for drinking again, it won't matter if it's the job or something else.
next: the 12 hour thing. that, for me, would be a deal breaker. i'm an introvert, and this would drive me nuts; 12 hours with a team and no time to be by myself. but that's me.
next: you're scared. yes. so my question would be: what will you say to yourself/believe about yourself if you don't take it?
another perspective: all your different ways of trying to get and stay sober haven't worked out so well.
so why worry about the pressure this job might put on you as far as ongoing sobriety? i'm not being snarky, i think it's a valid question.
if you need excuses for drinking again, it won't matter if it's the job or something else.
next: the 12 hour thing. that, for me, would be a deal breaker. i'm an introvert, and this would drive me nuts; 12 hours with a team and no time to be by myself. but that's me.
next: you're scared. yes. so my question would be: what will you say to yourself/believe about yourself if you don't take it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Having a private space with a place to lay down and a fridge / cooking thing
for your food would be really important for long days.
Is that possible or am I dreaming?
Is this a kind of 30 Rock situation with an office for you and some others, but a central writing / creative space for communal work?
for your food would be really important for long days.
Is that possible or am I dreaming?
Is this a kind of 30 Rock situation with an office for you and some others, but a central writing / creative space for communal work?
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
I had an interesting experience last night. I've been thinking lately that I don't need my crutch, Antabuse. I have been thinking that bc every time I take it, I remember the last time I drank and think, "I never want to do that again!" I feel like I never will, as I'm taking the pill. So why do I need to keep taking it?
My wife still drinks, not like I did but she does drink. She keeps it hidden from me. I asked her to do this and she does very well at it. Usually.
Last night I saw a water glass on the counter with something that did not look like water in it. It looked more like Chardonnay. I picked it up to smell it and sure enough, I was holding full tumbler style water glass, about two wine glasses equivalents, of Chardonnay.
My first thought was to chug it. Yes, I can drink that much Chardonnay without taking a breath to swallow. Easily. I almost did that. I would most certainly have done that but I recalled I was on the pill.
Funny how easily and impulsively I could still go down that dark hole.
Doh! I guess I still need the pill. It is so easy to find this stuff. So hard to resist. I don't know how you others can do it without a crutch. You guys are amazing.
My wife still drinks, not like I did but she does drink. She keeps it hidden from me. I asked her to do this and she does very well at it. Usually.
Last night I saw a water glass on the counter with something that did not look like water in it. It looked more like Chardonnay. I picked it up to smell it and sure enough, I was holding full tumbler style water glass, about two wine glasses equivalents, of Chardonnay.
My first thought was to chug it. Yes, I can drink that much Chardonnay without taking a breath to swallow. Easily. I almost did that. I would most certainly have done that but I recalled I was on the pill.
Funny how easily and impulsively I could still go down that dark hole.
Doh! I guess I still need the pill. It is so easy to find this stuff. So hard to resist. I don't know how you others can do it without a crutch. You guys are amazing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by walkbeformakrun 
Funny how easily and impulsively I could still go down that dark hole. Doh! I guess I still need the pill. It is so easy to find this stuff. So hard to resist. I don't know how you others can do it without a crutch. You guys are amazing. [/FONT]
Doh! I guess I still need the pill. It is so easy to find this stuff. So hard to resist. I don't know how you others can do it without a crutch. You guys are amazing. [/FONT]That's why most of us have a plan. Crutch might not be the best term to use, but in a sense our recovery plan is our crutch to lean on. I think the difference is that most of our plans start out with acceptance of the fact that picking up a drink is never an option. We then build on that acceptance to find healthy ways to deal with stress and life around us. Many of the plans that others use here use medications for supplemental help, but I think that's where you are getting stuck. A pill in itself cannot be a long term sobriety solution - the temptation you found last night is a pretty clear example of that to me.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Scott - Most plans I've seen, have will power and impulse control as key ingredients. So far I'm lacking in those areas. My long term plan is to develop those strengths. My experience last night showed me I have a long way to go yet.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
"Impulse control," is kind of oxymoron, yes? I had try the naltrexone, Walk, just brain could no tolerate it. I have same craziness yesterday, brain was ploopy and wanting coffee! No matter how many time coffee burn me! Is like having furious OCD trantrum throwing 2-year old living in you head who not capable to understand or learn from consequence. I say, you medicates that little bastard until you well sure it not gonna play with fire again.
Well, earliest I get up today is 7:30. How I dial that back to 6? Ay yi yi. I really hate rushed morning, GET UP! GET DRESS! SHOVE FOOD DOWN YOU GULLET! GET OUT! So jarring. So harsh.
Well, I not a "beat self up" kind of cow, and I not really even has too much beliefs about self. I probable file it under, "After weighing pro and con and circumstances, I make what seem to be best decision for me." Then sure, they gonna be time I wonder if was right decision. Just as I sure I wonder same thing if I does take it.
Well, earliest I get up today is 7:30. How I dial that back to 6? Ay yi yi. I really hate rushed morning, GET UP! GET DRESS! SHOVE FOOD DOWN YOU GULLET! GET OUT! So jarring. So harsh.
Originally Posted by fini
my question would be: what will you say to yourself/believe about yourself if you don't take it?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by walkbeformakrun
Scott - Most plans I've seen, have will power and impulse control as key ingredients. So far I'm lacking in those areas. My long term plan is to develop those strengths. My experience last night showed me I have a long way to go yet.
Certainly willpower is important in life and it plays a part in taking the initiative to get sober and keep working at the plan ( whatever it may be ), but when it comes down to the actual "how do i deal with a craving" or "how do I deal with this stressful/difficult situation", there are clearly defined steps on how to make a healthy decision rather than drinking.
For example, in AA there are meetings. And there are phone numbers to call and sponsors. All of these are external tools one can rely on in times of trouble. Feel like drining? Call your sponsor or someone else. They can help you make it through the craving...because cravings are simply feelings, and they always pass.
For people who use SR or other online communities, they log on and start a virtual conversation before they drink. For those that use methods like AVRT, there are specific ways to deal with the "beast" that don't involve willpower at all.
The good news is that once you have a plan established, the cravings really do become much less intense and farther between. At some point sobriety becomes "the norm" and thoughts of drinking are rare.
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