Today is Another Day
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Middle daughter drove off to her friend's house for the night sometime around 8pm, then asked me to come get her a couple of hours later. Mom to the rescue! I like those opportunities, and we only had maybe 3-4" of snow, so I felt it was safe and it was. Daughter safely delivered back to her own safe and comfie home.
A few minutes later, she was in my doorway holding the mostly empty bottle of vodka with noticeably less liquid in it, perhaps around 1-2 drinks - "You DRANK." No, I didn't. She stormed off in a huff. I went downstairs and asked youngest daughter if she drank it. She denied it. To which I said, "I don't care at this moment whether you did or you didn't, but you need to tell the truth." Then, "I drank a sip." I asked her to tell middle daughter what she'd told me. Middle daughter said, "Well it was more than a sip" and huffed off again.
What could I do?
I went to middle daughter and said, "I have not had anything to drink for 12 days." No response.
I went to youngest daughter to say, "I've been doing all the right things and what you did today - lying about it - was very hurtful to me."
That's all I could do.
Today I will talk with youngest again to remind her that lying can have a very serious impact on other people and that I find this case of throwing me under the bus (when she just told me the other day how proud she as of me) was particularly vile.
That last sentence seems full of pompous self-righteousness, but I don't think it is? I have certainly screwed up and lied plenty in my time, so are the chickens coming home to roost? I don't know. Maybe I have no right to feel so offended. But I am hurt.
Middle daughter was just starting to come back around. I've no idea how far this will set us back. *sigh*
A few minutes later, she was in my doorway holding the mostly empty bottle of vodka with noticeably less liquid in it, perhaps around 1-2 drinks - "You DRANK." No, I didn't. She stormed off in a huff. I went downstairs and asked youngest daughter if she drank it. She denied it. To which I said, "I don't care at this moment whether you did or you didn't, but you need to tell the truth." Then, "I drank a sip." I asked her to tell middle daughter what she'd told me. Middle daughter said, "Well it was more than a sip" and huffed off again.
What could I do?
I went to middle daughter and said, "I have not had anything to drink for 12 days." No response.
I went to youngest daughter to say, "I've been doing all the right things and what you did today - lying about it - was very hurtful to me."
That's all I could do.
Today I will talk with youngest again to remind her that lying can have a very serious impact on other people and that I find this case of throwing me under the bus (when she just told me the other day how proud she as of me) was particularly vile.
That last sentence seems full of pompous self-righteousness, but I don't think it is? I have certainly screwed up and lied plenty in my time, so are the chickens coming home to roost? I don't know. Maybe I have no right to feel so offended. But I am hurt.
Middle daughter was just starting to come back around. I've no idea how far this will set us back. *sigh*
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
That's the plan, Soberwolf.
That plus shoveling and making sure laundry and dishes are clean in case we lose power and/or water. Perhaps I'll get to paying bills or something else useful.
That plus shoveling and making sure laundry and dishes are clean in case we lose power and/or water. Perhaps I'll get to paying bills or something else useful.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
It does me, too! There are still times I bop around the house declaring, "I paid ALL the bills!" I got divorced and promoted some 12 years ago and it immediately became possible to do so, but how I DO remember the every two week struggle of juggling. That stress is something I will never forget.
Things with middle daughter were fine by evening yesterday. I think this was helped by the fact that she was taken hostage by the snow so was forced to be in some kind of proximity to me throughout the day. I haven't spoken with youngest daughter yet. She has a friend here with her and she's likely to blow me off more easily, "Ok, sorry mom."
That may still happen when I speak with her, but there's a slightly higher chance we can actually talk if her friend is not around.
I was very restless yesterday, not able to focus on anything for long. So I did get laundry and dishes and quite a bit of shoveling done. There's plenty more shoveling to do. Who knows? I may actually get to the bills or working on my closet today.
Haven't done an inventory lately.
Mentally: I'm good. Not too much taxing my brain, so I'm able to wander around all day just letting the thoughts sort of flow through.
Physically: Somewhat achy from shoveling, but nothing that won't subside with a bit of time. No digestive issues for many days now. Head hurts a little - it's morning, after all.
Emotionally: Pretty good. I feel like I am more "myself" today than I have been in a long time. I was actually thinking yesterday that I think I'm a better me than I've maybe ever been? Notwithstanding obsessing and procrastinating and whatnot.
Snow awaits, but first there will be coffee!
Things with middle daughter were fine by evening yesterday. I think this was helped by the fact that she was taken hostage by the snow so was forced to be in some kind of proximity to me throughout the day. I haven't spoken with youngest daughter yet. She has a friend here with her and she's likely to blow me off more easily, "Ok, sorry mom."
That may still happen when I speak with her, but there's a slightly higher chance we can actually talk if her friend is not around.I was very restless yesterday, not able to focus on anything for long. So I did get laundry and dishes and quite a bit of shoveling done. There's plenty more shoveling to do. Who knows? I may actually get to the bills or working on my closet today.
Haven't done an inventory lately.
Mentally: I'm good. Not too much taxing my brain, so I'm able to wander around all day just letting the thoughts sort of flow through.
Physically: Somewhat achy from shoveling, but nothing that won't subside with a bit of time. No digestive issues for many days now. Head hurts a little - it's morning, after all.
Emotionally: Pretty good. I feel like I am more "myself" today than I have been in a long time. I was actually thinking yesterday that I think I'm a better me than I've maybe ever been? Notwithstanding obsessing and procrastinating and whatnot.
Snow awaits, but first there will be coffee!
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
That's great, Sobrie.
It's funny, but I kind of miss the group. I will likely not see them until Tuesday unless some miracle brings a plow down my street.
Thanks for stopping by!
It's funny, but I kind of miss the group. I will likely not see them until Tuesday unless some miracle brings a plow down my street.
Thanks for stopping by!
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
14 Days, Yo
I'm at a milestone I haven't seen for quite some time - this is Day 14. No dancing or prancing, but it does feel pretty good.
What's especially nice is that the beastie voices simmered down considerably yesterday. In contrast to Saturday, I was good with just being home and low-key. And shoveling, shoveling, shoveling. This morning I'm at the point of thinking that it would be nice just to keep up with this routine for a few more days - without the shoveling.
But reality calls and I'll need to work. And if the road gets plowed, I'll need to get myself to group. I think - that's a logistics thing like "Can I drive in Baltimore now?" or "Is the train running yet?" I'll 'worry about that when the time comes. I suspect I'll get a call this morning cancelling it anyhow, so no need to waste the brain power.
So... let's see, aside from being out of butter (horrors!) and dealing with the usual headache exacerbated by extraordinary physical feats yesterday, things are just fine.
Still need to pay those bills.
What's especially nice is that the beastie voices simmered down considerably yesterday. In contrast to Saturday, I was good with just being home and low-key. And shoveling, shoveling, shoveling. This morning I'm at the point of thinking that it would be nice just to keep up with this routine for a few more days - without the shoveling.
But reality calls and I'll need to work. And if the road gets plowed, I'll need to get myself to group. I think - that's a logistics thing like "Can I drive in Baltimore now?" or "Is the train running yet?" I'll 'worry about that when the time comes. I suspect I'll get a call this morning cancelling it anyhow, so no need to waste the brain power.
So... let's see, aside from being out of butter (horrors!) and dealing with the usual headache exacerbated by extraordinary physical feats yesterday, things are just fine.
Still need to pay those bills.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Edgy, edgy on edge.
Snapped at the youngest and she is very hurt that I've been "so mean" to her all weekend. I am sorry she's hurt, but truly do not understand. She's had a friend over all weekend, added another today, and I've been dealing with their dishes and debris every single day. They have done nothing productive, which is fine, but she's hurt because after I said for the 10,000th time, "Can you please clean up the kitchen?" and she responded laconically, "Yessss, mommmm," I got fed up and (literally) yelled, "Don't use that tone of voice with me."
When we spoke about it this evening, I told her I was irritated at being stuck in the house all weekend and cleaning up after her and that probably my irritation was quite honestly related to her throwing me under the bus the other day plus the simple fact that I'm just two weeks sober and somewhat edgy.
Her response is that this isn't her fault and that it's also been hard on her to be cooped up all weekend. I was like, "Really? This has been difficult for you? Because it seems like you're having a fine time hanging out with your friends." She went to her room to cry and does not want to speak with me because I "invalidated her feelings."
Oh. Kay.
Worked from home, shoveled some more. Went to group, took my Antabuse, did not stop at Go for liquor. It's not an option. I would like for it to be not a desire, but since others are telling me that one day that feeling may dissipate, I'm going to keep trusting in the process and keep trying to refrain from asking, "And how long exactly is that going to take?"
Snapped at the youngest and she is very hurt that I've been "so mean" to her all weekend. I am sorry she's hurt, but truly do not understand. She's had a friend over all weekend, added another today, and I've been dealing with their dishes and debris every single day. They have done nothing productive, which is fine, but she's hurt because after I said for the 10,000th time, "Can you please clean up the kitchen?" and she responded laconically, "Yessss, mommmm," I got fed up and (literally) yelled, "Don't use that tone of voice with me."
When we spoke about it this evening, I told her I was irritated at being stuck in the house all weekend and cleaning up after her and that probably my irritation was quite honestly related to her throwing me under the bus the other day plus the simple fact that I'm just two weeks sober and somewhat edgy.
Her response is that this isn't her fault and that it's also been hard on her to be cooped up all weekend. I was like, "Really? This has been difficult for you? Because it seems like you're having a fine time hanging out with your friends." She went to her room to cry and does not want to speak with me because I "invalidated her feelings."
Oh. Kay.
Worked from home, shoveled some more. Went to group, took my Antabuse, did not stop at Go for liquor. It's not an option. I would like for it to be not a desire, but since others are telling me that one day that feeling may dissipate, I'm going to keep trusting in the process and keep trying to refrain from asking, "And how long exactly is that going to take?"
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Obladi,
I can so relate.
My girls are 22 and 11 and each in their own way seem to be able to hurt my feelings more than anyone in the world, and make me angrier.
I heard something recently that resonated with me in my battle to stay positive in the face of my children's hurtful behaviour, which happens a lot.
"It is not your children' job to love you, it is your job to love them."
On a philosophical level I get this, but it did not stop me from feeling at my 11 year old when she was late for school again.
Hang in there -- they do love us, and especially need us, and lets face it, we have not always been there for them like we should have.
I can so relate.
My girls are 22 and 11 and each in their own way seem to be able to hurt my feelings more than anyone in the world, and make me angrier.
I heard something recently that resonated with me in my battle to stay positive in the face of my children's hurtful behaviour, which happens a lot.
"It is not your children' job to love you, it is your job to love them."
On a philosophical level I get this, but it did not stop me from feeling at my 11 year old when she was late for school again.
Hang in there -- they do love us, and especially need us, and lets face it, we have not always been there for them like we should have.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Dropsie, thanks. I'm not sure it's "my job" to love my kids, but love them I do. I have no choice, really. I understand the underlying theme of unconditional love and I think we have that for each other. Seems like it's my job to try to teach my kids about being the best me that I can be and I've certainly failed (or maybe succeeded) (or maybe both) in that arena.
Kahlil Gibran wrote "Your children are not your children."
I think that's right.
It's my job to be here to support her, do my best to understand her, help her to develop as an independent person and to give her an understanding what is supposed to happen when you live in a communal setting.
So today we start again and I know the ice will thaw. Patience is not only a virtue but is sometimes all I have.
Day 15.
Woke up tired, ready to sleep for another couple of hours.
But I have to work. But I can do it from home!!! So so lucky.
It's supposed to rain later. Street is still not plowed. Depending on what the temperature decides to do I will or will not drive in for group. It's funny or ironic or something that the most treacherous part of my drive right now is the 1/3 mile between me and the closest main road.
That's some sort of brilliant analogy. Maybe I'll use that one day.
Kahlil Gibran wrote "Your children are not your children."
I think that's right.
It's my job to be here to support her, do my best to understand her, help her to develop as an independent person and to give her an understanding what is supposed to happen when you live in a communal setting.
So today we start again and I know the ice will thaw. Patience is not only a virtue but is sometimes all I have.
Day 15.
Woke up tired, ready to sleep for another couple of hours.
But I have to work. But I can do it from home!!! So so lucky.
It's supposed to rain later. Street is still not plowed. Depending on what the temperature decides to do I will or will not drive in for group. It's funny or ironic or something that the most treacherous part of my drive right now is the 1/3 mile between me and the closest main road.
That's some sort of brilliant analogy. Maybe I'll use that one day.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sometimes I think I'm so skeptical it's a character defect.
Other times I think people are full of it.
Perhaps it's some of each.
Two weeks in and there are folks in this group who say the same rote phrases over and over again, and a few who say what I perceive as Real Stuff. Tonight, there were a number of people who were nodding sagely and repeating the phrase "live in the moment" in response to the question about how we can be proactive about our recovery. Therapist says, "What does that mean, to live in the moment?" People say, basically, "stay positive" and "keep busy."
Finally, this guy says, "Hold up. Maybe I'm a fool, but I don't understand what it means to live in the moment AND be proactive. How can you plan for the future if you're living in the moment?"
I'm glad he asked because I was sitting there practicing deep breathing.
Guess I'm still a wee bit irritable.
Or maybe I just miss Keep it Real Guy. He's been off plowing (but not MY street; we're going to need to have a word about that).
Other times I think people are full of it.
Perhaps it's some of each.
Two weeks in and there are folks in this group who say the same rote phrases over and over again, and a few who say what I perceive as Real Stuff. Tonight, there were a number of people who were nodding sagely and repeating the phrase "live in the moment" in response to the question about how we can be proactive about our recovery. Therapist says, "What does that mean, to live in the moment?" People say, basically, "stay positive" and "keep busy."
Finally, this guy says, "Hold up. Maybe I'm a fool, but I don't understand what it means to live in the moment AND be proactive. How can you plan for the future if you're living in the moment?"
I'm glad he asked because I was sitting there practicing deep breathing.
Guess I'm still a wee bit irritable.
Or maybe I just miss Keep it Real Guy. He's been off plowing (but not MY street; we're going to need to have a word about that).
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Day16, how can that be? That's not half bad. but it is more than half a month. 
Head hurts a bit more than usual. I don't think I drank any water yesterday, so that may be why it's worse. Just woke up, so not sure but don't think there are any additional aches or pains.
Just checked my calendar and I have six hours of meetings today. That's normal, but a lot.
Dog is yelling.
What was that Tom Hanks movie where he gets stranded on an island? When he's rescued, someone asks him how he survived and in the final analysis he just kept breathing.
Deep breaths aaaaand onward.
Head hurts a bit more than usual. I don't think I drank any water yesterday, so that may be why it's worse. Just woke up, so not sure but don't think there are any additional aches or pains.
Just checked my calendar and I have six hours of meetings today. That's normal, but a lot.
Dog is yelling.
What was that Tom Hanks movie where he gets stranded on an island? When he's rescued, someone asks him how he survived and in the final analysis he just kept breathing.
Deep breaths aaaaand onward.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
living in the moment so easily can mean following the good idea of the moment.
so many of the rote trite sayings, though, are shortcuts for something rather deeper, and often different from what i thought.
so many of the rote trite sayings, though, are shortcuts for something rather deeper, and often different from what i thought.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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True that, fini.
I think maybe that's part of why they work. For folks who are ok with "rote," they are effective and for people who look beyond they can be meaningful beyond the surface.
My task is to appreciate that not everyone feels this compulsion to look under the covers. It doesn't make anyone better or worse - it just makes us different.
I think maybe that's part of why they work. For folks who are ok with "rote," they are effective and for people who look beyond they can be meaningful beyond the surface.
My task is to appreciate that not everyone feels this compulsion to look under the covers. It doesn't make anyone better or worse - it just makes us different.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Wow, woke up this morning as if I'd been drinking. Disoriented, had to check my phone right away to see what had gone on, couldn't remember if I had walked the dog, have a sore headache and a strong desire to just go back to sleep. Thought "Thank God, at least it's Friday." But it's not. What a long week this is! No doubt this will pass, but wow.
I had off from group last night, but got home only an hour earlier than I would have because traffic was horrible. The streets never got fully cleared from last week's storm.
And so Day 17 commences... after I lay down again for a bit.
I had off from group last night, but got home only an hour earlier than I would have because traffic was horrible. The streets never got fully cleared from last week's storm.
And so Day 17 commences... after I lay down again for a bit.
Life Goes On
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Aw, thanks Mr Wolf.
I'm feeling less than amazing, but I'll take a compliment any day.
Yawned all day long.
But got some stuff done at work, so that's good.
Went to group. Didn't have much to say as the topic seemed to be compulsive spending and I'm the opposite. Two guys "graduated," a new one started (and fell asleep). We had a speaker who said it took him until about 5 weeks into IOP for things to click. That was heartening cuz I'm walking the line but feel out of tune.
I'm feeling less than amazing, but I'll take a compliment any day.
Yawned all day long.
But got some stuff done at work, so that's good.
Went to group. Didn't have much to say as the topic seemed to be compulsive spending and I'm the opposite. Two guys "graduated," a new one started (and fell asleep). We had a speaker who said it took him until about 5 weeks into IOP for things to click. That was heartening cuz I'm walking the line but feel out of tune.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yay, it's Friday!
Long day ahead, but it's nice to know I'll be able to rest tomorrow.
Going for pre-physical exam labs this morning.
Did not take care of a couple of tasks due first thing today.
I should shower.
One foot in front of the other...
Long day ahead, but it's nice to know I'll be able to rest tomorrow.
Going for pre-physical exam labs this morning.
Did not take care of a couple of tasks due first thing today.
I should shower.
One foot in front of the other...
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