Today is Another Day
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
On 18 now, I'd say that's well over half a month! 
Thank goodness I'm not dragging today like I was yesterday. That was really awful.
Got my tasks done. Not quite as well-done as I would have in the past, but I'm finding that settling for "Medium" is perfectly ok in some instances.
Thank goodness I'm not dragging today like I was yesterday. That was really awful.
Got my tasks done. Not quite as well-done as I would have in the past, but I'm finding that settling for "Medium" is perfectly ok in some instances.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Nothing much to report.
Had lab draws today in prep for physical. Took youngest with me to get hers done as well. Worked. Went to group. The educational hour today was about how to get an AA sponsor and why. The counselor seemed really sold on it. At the end of the session, one of the women asked the presenter if she'd be her sponsor. "Oh no, not me, I've never done the steps." ???
Anyhow, I'm not drinking.
More later, maybe tomorrow.
Had lab draws today in prep for physical. Took youngest with me to get hers done as well. Worked. Went to group. The educational hour today was about how to get an AA sponsor and why. The counselor seemed really sold on it. At the end of the session, one of the women asked the presenter if she'd be her sponsor. "Oh no, not me, I've never done the steps." ???
Anyhow, I'm not drinking.
More later, maybe tomorrow.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Good morning. Posting from my tablet so the brevity will continue for the time being.
I am still quite tired and have that morning headache. I think I may have a sinus infection as one of my ears has that sort of pain. Walked the dog and I'm back in bed now until some of this unpleasantness subsides.
But guess what? I'm not drinking nor do I wish I were.
I am still quite tired and have that morning headache. I think I may have a sinus infection as one of my ears has that sort of pain. Walked the dog and I'm back in bed now until some of this unpleasantness subsides.
But guess what? I'm not drinking nor do I wish I were.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
How are you feeling today??
Better I hope.
I manage to spend way too much time in bed island not matter how I am feeling.
I am having a much too lazy, unearned Sunday. As you can tell, feeling guilty about it.
Take care of yourself, and your sinuses.
Better I hope.
I manage to spend way too much time in bed island not matter how I am feeling.
I am having a much too lazy, unearned Sunday. As you can tell, feeling guilty about it.
Take care of yourself, and your sinuses.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sobrie, congratulations on your matriculation! No continuing care option with your program? Mine doesn't consider me to have fully completed until 70 weeks of continuing care beyond the first 8 weeks.
Thanks for asking after me, Dropsie. I am somewhat better today in that I'm actually sitting up and have done one or two productive things (including paying the bills, Soberwolf!). I think I was maybe awake a total of four hours yesterday. Not sure if it's some kind of infection or my body is just working hard on regenerating my liver and brain and other fatty organs. Needless to say, bed island has been well-occupied this weekend. And I am most decidedly not feeling guilty about it. I'm sober, my room is reasonably picked up, the bills are paid and that's good enough for me at the moment.
Thanks for asking after me, Dropsie. I am somewhat better today in that I'm actually sitting up and have done one or two productive things (including paying the bills, Soberwolf!). I think I was maybe awake a total of four hours yesterday. Not sure if it's some kind of infection or my body is just working hard on regenerating my liver and brain and other fatty organs. Needless to say, bed island has been well-occupied this weekend. And I am most decidedly not feeling guilty about it. I'm sober, my room is reasonably picked up, the bills are paid and that's good enough for me at the moment.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
So I feel like something is amiss with this group thing. Perhaps I missed the meeting where they passed out the koolaid, but I'm just not feeling this rebornedness that others seem to be experiencing. I mean, I feel pretty good. Not depressed, even-keeled, no pain or discomfort (aside from the morning headaches) and no real desire to drink. These are all good things, but I'm not waxing poetic/religious like so many of these folks are doing. They are all so damned positive all the time, and I'm like, "really?" Even Keep it Real Guy was spouting the company line on Friday.
One of the facilitators seemed to be wondering the same thing last week - on several check-ins, she said "If things weren't going well, would you feel comfortable telling us that?" I don't know - it just seems unreal that in a room full of 20 or so addicts in various states of removal from their DOC, every one is fine and with the program and just thankful to their higher power for having helped them to do a 180.
Anyhow, it's keeping my out of mischief and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just hoping I get to have that 5-week light switch moment that guy spoke about the other night.
I didn't take the Antabuse last night and probably won't tonight either. If I understand correctly, it will stay in my system for at least a week or two beyond taking it, and as I take it at group every night I'm there, weekend doses don't seem to be necessary. They certainly aren't necessary for me to not drink. Not sure what my long term plan is with that, but I've got some time to work it out. On the one hand, there is no harm at all in taking it as long as I don't drink but on the other hand, it does sort of feel like cheating. And if I had a third hand, I might say, "so what?" If it works, what does it matter?
One of the facilitators seemed to be wondering the same thing last week - on several check-ins, she said "If things weren't going well, would you feel comfortable telling us that?" I don't know - it just seems unreal that in a room full of 20 or so addicts in various states of removal from their DOC, every one is fine and with the program and just thankful to their higher power for having helped them to do a 180.
Anyhow, it's keeping my out of mischief and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just hoping I get to have that 5-week light switch moment that guy spoke about the other night.
I didn't take the Antabuse last night and probably won't tonight either. If I understand correctly, it will stay in my system for at least a week or two beyond taking it, and as I take it at group every night I'm there, weekend doses don't seem to be necessary. They certainly aren't necessary for me to not drink. Not sure what my long term plan is with that, but I've got some time to work it out. On the one hand, there is no harm at all in taking it as long as I don't drink but on the other hand, it does sort of feel like cheating. And if I had a third hand, I might say, "so what?" If it works, what does it matter?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
A little bit tardy for check-in this morning. Despite voluminous rest/sleep, I was still hitting that snooze button this morning!
So that leaves little to report aside from I seem to excel at sleeping. This is something I remember from late teenage/early adult years but haven't seen since. Are there sleepathons in which I can perhaps participate?
When my head hits the pillow tonight, I'll be celebrating 3 weeks sober. There is no doubt in my mind that I will not drink today, so feel free to count my chickens before they hatch.
So that leaves little to report aside from I seem to excel at sleeping. This is something I remember from late teenage/early adult years but haven't seen since. Are there sleepathons in which I can perhaps participate?
When my head hits the pillow tonight, I'll be celebrating 3 weeks sober. There is no doubt in my mind that I will not drink today, so feel free to count my chickens before they hatch.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Middle daughter texted me today, "If you aren't drinking, why aren't you taking your Antabuse?" I said, "How would you know that? I take it at the clinic." "But you should also be taking it on the weekend." So I went outside to call her and she didn't pick up. More texting, "I didn't take it this weekend because I didn't need it. And I didn't drink either. Read up on it - the stuff will make me sick for 1-2 weeks even after my last dose. And if you want me to take it in front of you on non-group days, I can do that." No response. And she's too busy to talk with me now.
We talked about it in group this evening and a couple of the folks said words to the effect of "It's hard when people don't trust me." My feeling is more like, "I feel bad for my kid that she doesn't trust me. It sucks when you don't know if you can trust your parent. But what can I do but keep on keeping on?" So I got a bit of a scolding from one of the counselors for not sticking with my medication as prescribed, but... I don't know. I didn't need it. I took it tonight. And I know there are other people who don't take it at all, by their choice. So... sigh. I feel like the most important thing is that I'm being honest with myself. I didn't not take it because I was planning to drink - I didn't take it because I knew for sure I wouldn't.
Also talked about where we were with commitment to this process and I said "I'm hoping the light goes on in a few weeks because I'm not feeling fully vested here. Not that I feel like I'm going to drink - I don't. I'm just not at the forever point yet." Another guy said he feels the same way only he went further to start giving himself permission to try having a drink (in the future) on special occasions. See, I'm not there either. Like I can't imagine any special occasion for which I would feel compelled to drink. Guess I'm in limbo as to my future plans while I'm tooling along sober. (If that's One Day at a Time, I'm doing it?)
One guy's response to this was to quote what someone said last week in another session, "If you're not on the team, then what are you doing here?" I'm not sure if that was meant to be harsh, but I let it sit because it didn't seem to be directed AT me. I dunno. I AM on the team, but I'm not convinced that I need to think the same way as everyone else does. The fact is I don't and it took me a long time to realize and appreciate just in general that this is a fact and it doesn't make me wrong that I think differently. I don't think this is a Terminally Unique situation; I just know from spending a good amount of time around SR that we don't all need to sing the melody. Some folks do very well on harmony proving that there are a multitude of ways to get to the same positive outcome.
Work was fine. Straightened a couple of things out, one of which entailed having a phone call with a difficult customer who wanted to resolve an outstanding issue from October via email. I insisted that we needed to talk by saying "I honestly don't know what exactly the issue is and I need you to talk me through it." Thank goodness she buckled because it would have taken another three months at least to get through what we did today in 30 minutes. This is the kind of stuff I do well and I'm glad that I am in a position now to be able to do my job the way that I know how to best do it.
Thanks for the felicitations, guys!
I am open to feedback, thoughts and input on any of the above from anyone in the peanut gallery.
We talked about it in group this evening and a couple of the folks said words to the effect of "It's hard when people don't trust me." My feeling is more like, "I feel bad for my kid that she doesn't trust me. It sucks when you don't know if you can trust your parent. But what can I do but keep on keeping on?" So I got a bit of a scolding from one of the counselors for not sticking with my medication as prescribed, but... I don't know. I didn't need it. I took it tonight. And I know there are other people who don't take it at all, by their choice. So... sigh. I feel like the most important thing is that I'm being honest with myself. I didn't not take it because I was planning to drink - I didn't take it because I knew for sure I wouldn't.
Also talked about where we were with commitment to this process and I said "I'm hoping the light goes on in a few weeks because I'm not feeling fully vested here. Not that I feel like I'm going to drink - I don't. I'm just not at the forever point yet." Another guy said he feels the same way only he went further to start giving himself permission to try having a drink (in the future) on special occasions. See, I'm not there either. Like I can't imagine any special occasion for which I would feel compelled to drink. Guess I'm in limbo as to my future plans while I'm tooling along sober. (If that's One Day at a Time, I'm doing it?)
One guy's response to this was to quote what someone said last week in another session, "If you're not on the team, then what are you doing here?" I'm not sure if that was meant to be harsh, but I let it sit because it didn't seem to be directed AT me. I dunno. I AM on the team, but I'm not convinced that I need to think the same way as everyone else does. The fact is I don't and it took me a long time to realize and appreciate just in general that this is a fact and it doesn't make me wrong that I think differently. I don't think this is a Terminally Unique situation; I just know from spending a good amount of time around SR that we don't all need to sing the melody. Some folks do very well on harmony proving that there are a multitude of ways to get to the same positive outcome.
Work was fine. Straightened a couple of things out, one of which entailed having a phone call with a difficult customer who wanted to resolve an outstanding issue from October via email. I insisted that we needed to talk by saying "I honestly don't know what exactly the issue is and I need you to talk me through it." Thank goodness she buckled because it would have taken another three months at least to get through what we did today in 30 minutes. This is the kind of stuff I do well and I'm glad that I am in a position now to be able to do my job the way that I know how to best do it.
Thanks for the felicitations, guys!
I am open to feedback, thoughts and input on any of the above from anyone in the peanut gallery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 151
Hey O,
Sorry to read that you are a bit disappointed with your group. I experienced the same feelings at some point. Early in sobriety (like 1 week in) I was all about groups and AA, how my life was so much better, etc. Then I got to a point where, for lack of a better term, I got bored with sobriety. I couldn't figure out why everyone was so damn positive all the time, because I wasn't enjoying life. I never told anyone, but I got pretty close to a relapse. In fact, one day I was sitting in a parking lot waiting to pick up my dog from his grooming appointment, and I almost walked into the liquor store (conveniently located next door) to grab a pint of vodka, "just to have a few sips and get a buzz." The only thing that stopped me was my phone rining - the groomer had finished early. Anyway, my point is that all of this passed. I find I don't have to always be 100% positive in meetings or group. I CAN have crappy days. Now I love meetings because I can simply be myself, happy or sad, upbeat or cranky. I guess I've leveled out a bit, at least for now. I think it's great that you are honest about your feelings. Keep on keeping on
And to answer your question about my aftercare, I do have the option of doing 1 more round of individual counseling. I guess I'll decide about that at my exit interview tomorrow. I think it may be a good idea, but I'm not sure I'll have the time because I just got a new job.
Sorry to read that you are a bit disappointed with your group. I experienced the same feelings at some point. Early in sobriety (like 1 week in) I was all about groups and AA, how my life was so much better, etc. Then I got to a point where, for lack of a better term, I got bored with sobriety. I couldn't figure out why everyone was so damn positive all the time, because I wasn't enjoying life. I never told anyone, but I got pretty close to a relapse. In fact, one day I was sitting in a parking lot waiting to pick up my dog from his grooming appointment, and I almost walked into the liquor store (conveniently located next door) to grab a pint of vodka, "just to have a few sips and get a buzz." The only thing that stopped me was my phone rining - the groomer had finished early. Anyway, my point is that all of this passed. I find I don't have to always be 100% positive in meetings or group. I CAN have crappy days. Now I love meetings because I can simply be myself, happy or sad, upbeat or cranky. I guess I've leveled out a bit, at least for now. I think it's great that you are honest about your feelings. Keep on keeping on
And to answer your question about my aftercare, I do have the option of doing 1 more round of individual counseling. I guess I'll decide about that at my exit interview tomorrow. I think it may be a good idea, but I'm not sure I'll have the time because I just got a new job.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You sound good your being open & honest don't worry about the forever thing so much lots of ppl were like that as the old saying goes one day at a time as is it litrelly all we have
O as for your daughter all I can say is what I know from experience as my late mother was alcoholic and its obvious she wants you to do well and really loves you she is proberly frightened & so was I when my mum relapsed it was scary beyond belief it also hurt a lot & she is proberly a mixture of fear & frightened but keep doing what your doing I swear I see a deep connection there one built out of love and one she wants to have with you x
In short I think your amazing x
O as for your daughter all I can say is what I know from experience as my late mother was alcoholic and its obvious she wants you to do well and really loves you she is proberly frightened & so was I when my mum relapsed it was scary beyond belief it also hurt a lot & she is proberly a mixture of fear & frightened but keep doing what your doing I swear I see a deep connection there one built out of love and one she wants to have with you x
In short I think your amazing x
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, both of you.
Daughter now seems to be angry with me as she went out at midnight and just silenced my call to check on her.
Ok, I gotta get going.
Site visit today.
22
Congratulations on the new job, Sobrie. I missed that chapter - must look you up later!
Daughter now seems to be angry with me as she went out at midnight and just silenced my call to check on her.
Ok, I gotta get going.
Site visit today.
22
Congratulations on the new job, Sobrie. I missed that chapter - must look you up later!
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sobrie,
I wouldn't say I'm disappointed in the group. I like the group just fine and there are some cool things about it, including that there are people in all stages of their 8 weeks and beyond coming in and out around the core of us that are consistent. We have some good discussions, laugh at least several times/night and even have our own motto/mantra.
I just think that it's a little too Pleasantville sometimes. Like last night, this guy is smelling of pot but real engaged with how his recovery is going so well and he's about to move on to continuing care next week. But we didn't talk about how his marijuana cologne.
In any event, I'm following the advice of many a person here who suggest that we need to give to get and we should take what's worthwhile and leave the rest. I'm not there for Mr Weed; I'm there for me. Just trying to remain open while also keeping it real. For myself.
I wouldn't say I'm disappointed in the group. I like the group just fine and there are some cool things about it, including that there are people in all stages of their 8 weeks and beyond coming in and out around the core of us that are consistent. We have some good discussions, laugh at least several times/night and even have our own motto/mantra.
I just think that it's a little too Pleasantville sometimes. Like last night, this guy is smelling of pot but real engaged with how his recovery is going so well and he's about to move on to continuing care next week. But we didn't talk about how his marijuana cologne.
In any event, I'm following the advice of many a person here who suggest that we need to give to get and we should take what's worthwhile and leave the rest. I'm not there for Mr Weed; I'm there for me. Just trying to remain open while also keeping it real. For myself.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
SW,
I really appreciate your response about my daughter. I had an alcoholic father and understand that anxiety/fear/worry. It's just sort of frustrating because I've tried to be so open with her about what's going on and there's no way I can "prove" that I'm staying on course.
Although I did have an inspiration today. I still have a dose of Antabuse left from the weekend (took the one tonight because I'm off group). So I think next time I see her, I will offer it up. If she ever suspects I've been drinking, she can ask me to take the pill. If I take it, she'll see within less than an hour if I'm being truthful. And if I refuse to take it, I'll obviously have to fess up.
Anyways.... I was thinking about this today and I think it might be sort of like when I get angry with the kids for being way later than I expect them to be. While I'm waiting, I fret about where they might be and what horrible calamities might have befallen them, but when they get home, I am relieved and incredibly angry all at the same time. Maybe, just maybe, she feels sort of safe enough to be angry with me right now while still being afraid that I'm pulling one over on her. That might be.
You're right Soberwolf; we have a very special connection.
All I can do is hang in there. It will work itself out.
I really appreciate your response about my daughter. I had an alcoholic father and understand that anxiety/fear/worry. It's just sort of frustrating because I've tried to be so open with her about what's going on and there's no way I can "prove" that I'm staying on course.
Although I did have an inspiration today. I still have a dose of Antabuse left from the weekend (took the one tonight because I'm off group). So I think next time I see her, I will offer it up. If she ever suspects I've been drinking, she can ask me to take the pill. If I take it, she'll see within less than an hour if I'm being truthful. And if I refuse to take it, I'll obviously have to fess up.
Anyways.... I was thinking about this today and I think it might be sort of like when I get angry with the kids for being way later than I expect them to be. While I'm waiting, I fret about where they might be and what horrible calamities might have befallen them, but when they get home, I am relieved and incredibly angry all at the same time. Maybe, just maybe, she feels sort of safe enough to be angry with me right now while still being afraid that I'm pulling one over on her. That might be.
You're right Soberwolf; we have a very special connection.
All I can do is hang in there. It will work itself out.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Site visit today went quite well. I love my customers. It's always so great to go see them in their natural habitat, even when it involves driving to and from DC.
Using my extra hours this evening to take out trash, cook some chicken for salads, do some laundry and order contacts. It's nice to feel like I'm somewhat on top of things at home - though there is an awful lot waiting to be done!
Using my extra hours this evening to take out trash, cook some chicken for salads, do some laundry and order contacts. It's nice to feel like I'm somewhat on top of things at home - though there is an awful lot waiting to be done!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
