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Old 01-17-2016, 03:47 PM
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Obladi - I just caught up on everything - very interested in your observations & progress.

What your mom said - I was worried about that. I drank almost my whole adult life - was sure the obsession would never leave me. It did. Can't say exactly when. Drinking rarely crosses my mind now, & the thought is easily dismissed.
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Old 01-17-2016, 03:56 PM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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Well, the way I see it, the difference is I chose this.

Sure, my daughter gave me an ultimatum but her plan would not have worked out the way she thought/hoped it might. It would have just been a pain in the rear and maybe somewhat embarrassing. This is no way detracts from my gratitude for her delivery of said ultimatum. She and my middle girl really did kick my rear into taking serious action.

In Dad's case, he was forced into treatment by his workplace. As far as I know, he did not reach the desperate desire to stop that I have been through over the past several years.

So that's what I'm going with.
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Old 01-18-2016, 05:13 AM
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It's a work holiday, so I had the freedom to sleep in, but didn't due to (a) waking up at my customary 5:45am time and (b) the dog insisting he needed to go out. I'm a bit relieved at the normal wakeup time because this sleeping until almost 11 was worrying me a bit - how was I ever going to get up for work? Funny how one or two anomalies can make me think there is a new rule. I imagine my body just needed the rest the past couple of days.

So this morning's small victory is that I tidied the kitchen, made coffee, walked the dog, took my meds, and cleaned the cat box all in one continuous activity. Last week, this would have taken the better part of the morning - and the cat box might have needed to wait until evening.

Walking the dog was no small feat, mind you - the wind chill is currently -1 farenheit. Which is alright walking away from the wind, but not so great when you have to turn around and walk back into it. People think since I'm from Wisconsin that I'm "used to it," but that acclimatization got knocked out of me by my second winter in Maryland which was quite some time ago.
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Old 01-18-2016, 09:34 AM
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There is an empty bottle and a mostly empty bottle of vodka on the shelf in my middle daughter's room. This is what she found when she raided my closet last week Monday and it's been sitting there since. We haven't spoken about it. Because well, for the most part we haven't spoken much.

I imagine perhaps she kept it initially in case I showed any threatening signs of withdrawal, but that doesn't explain why it's still there. I don't think it's a test? Could be a reminder to herself not to get comfie with me just yet. I dunno. I don't care that it's there - it is not tempting to me, would not be enough to get me even a bit buzzed even if it was, would be life-threatening due to the nightly Klonopin, and would likely make me violently ill due to the antabuse.

For now it's just a question sitting on a shelf and I can live with that.

I may have mentioned that I went to therapy for close to two years: this didn't help with the drinking (and that's not why I went) but did help with other things. One of those is being able to tolerate the unknown and let things unfold as they will. Being anxious about things I can't know is useless.
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Old 01-18-2016, 07:17 PM
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I think there is definitelysomething to be said about coming from a place of having had enough, meaning it and wanting it to be so. When I drank I always wanted to drink which becomes drinking even when you don't want to. I somehow put my foot down one morning a couple of years ago and said enough, done , no more ever , whether I want to or not. Sometime between then and now the wanting to stopped, can't say when for sure, not a real specific date or time , just a realization that even phantom desire was gone. Hang in there , meaning 'enough' can be enough, it just may take time but almost without fanfare you find yourself in a new normal.
Enjoy your thread and your writing, rooting for ya
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Old 01-18-2016, 09:02 PM
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Thanks, dwtbd.

I appreciate both you and Hevyn giving me those glimmers of hope. Over the course of the last few years, I've often wondered if I'm somehow trying to replay my Dad's legacy? Which is weird because... I dunno. He sure didn't seem to be a happy man to me and I don't know why I'd be going for that. (Actually I think I do. ) Anyhow, it doesn't matter today. Maybe another day it will or maybe another day I will find that I've just let that go because I've let go of the behaviors and impulses so it really won't matter at all.

I asked middle daughter about the vodka today. She said she wasn't sure why she had kept it and then in the next breath asked if I'd purchased any more. I said, "No... Do you believe that I'm really doing this treatment thing?" She said she wasn't sure. So I'm going with the notion that she is keeping it to remind herself not to too comfie . And that's perfectly understandable.

Although it was a day off from work, I still needed to drive into the city for group. It was fine, but seemed like a lot of people were sort of off. Maybe that's normal after a weekend? The guy whose "keeping it real" attitude I like used over the weekend, but he still showed up. One of those Unfortunately but Fortunately stories, I guess? I'm sure I'll need to get used to people disappearing; just hope he isn't one. Well, that's silly - I hope none of them are one of those!

During group, we veered all over the place again, only more so. It seems that people have trouble staying on topic. This is going to be a challenge for me as we go along and the novelty wears off. The best way I can think of to handle it at the moment is as an exercise in not having control. As in, it's not the way I would (or do) run my meetings, but this isn't my workplace and I'm not the boss nor the expert, so maybe I can learn some tolerance and humility. (Maybe "on topic" is not the most important thing for this person today, What can I learn from what IS?)
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Old 01-19-2016, 03:24 AM
  # 87 (permalink)  
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Feeling like today is going to be a piece of cake, despite frigid weather - now I'd best get on it or I'll be late!
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Old 01-19-2016, 03:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
During group, we veered all over the place again, only more so. It seems that people have trouble staying on topic. This is going to be a challenge for me as we go along and the novelty wears off. The best way I can think of to handle it at the moment is as an exercise in not having control. As in, it's not the way I would (or do) run my meetings, but this isn't my workplace and I'm not the boss nor the expert, so maybe I can learn some tolerance and humility. (Maybe "on topic" is not the most important thing for this person today, What can I learn from what IS?)
Obladi, glad you're going strong again. I think you've got it right in this paragraph. Either in treatment or in my various finance-rehabilitating situations over the last few months, I've been annoyed and impatient past what I thought was my breaking point a whole lot of times, but been unable to do anything about it. It's really been good for my sobriety and I'm glad you recognize it'll be good for yours. I went to inpatient rehab which was an excruciating loss of control. And the place was brand new, so it was all kinds of chaotic and disorganized to boot. And I seriously think that that was very, very good for me. That was the serenity prayer put into practice eight thousand times daily. It was incredibly hard but I was a much more patient person when I left that place than when I went in. Hope you get the same effect, keep looking for those silver linings.
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Old 01-19-2016, 07:50 PM
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Thanks, Fantail. I don't know if I'm so much as looking for silver linings as I am trying to remain aware that this treatment is supposed to be about me, so I'd best find the healing where I can. Oh wait, is that looking for silver linings? Maybe it is

I hope you got some sort of discount on your new rehab place - seems like maybe they should have done that "rehearsal" thing that new restaurants do: "Your stay is free as long as you try every craft class we offer, but not more than once."

So today I had to be at a client site gawdawful early, then drive back to the train to get to my meeting. Enjoyed the group portion quite a lot - there was a guy there that has a couple of months and a really great perspective. And I found no one particularly annoying. Though these folks that say the key to sobriety is to "keep it positive" are a little... I dunno, deluded? It's not always going to be positive. We are all going to face crappy stuff where it's impossible to "keep it positive." Then what? We still have to find the resolve to not drink/use.

I also had my first meeting with my case manager; got to do the social history thang. Ugh. I mean, I'm fine with it, I know I need to tell my life story as many times as it takes to get better, but it slays me every time. We came toward the end of the hour and she said we'd finish up Friday. (But wait, there's more?!?) And then she said, "So, bringing up this stuff can be really hard on people so I want us to put this all in a box and leave it in this room until we come back Friday. Where can we put it?" I told her I wanted to take the box with me and she said that wasn't an option - too risky; I might use. I knew that drinking wouldn't happen and she wasn't hearing or accepting me saying that I did not know how to leave it, so told her we could stash the box behind the lamp. But I took it with me anyhow. I know I'm only as sick as my secrets, but every time I put them out there for someone to hold onto, it seems I get way worse. The best that's ever worked out was with the last psychologist I was seeing - he helped with some stuff, but definitely not the darkest places.

Speaking of leaving things where they are unsafe, I foolishly left the delicious beef jerky I had left over from last night where the dog could reach it. He had himself a good old time tearing up that bag while I was gone. Good thing I got more. And I'm not telling him where I put it neither.
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Old 01-19-2016, 08:05 PM
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I'm a little afraid I may find out exactly how much beef jerky , eaten in one session , is potentially dangerous.
Keep trucking
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Old 01-20-2016, 04:04 AM
  # 91 (permalink)  
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Well, that jerky is coming in smaller and smaller portions, so I think we're probably good because I got the most of it. Oh, are you talking about me? None yesterday, so no accidents here! But seriously folks, haven't ventured out of my room yet, so we'll see about the dog. I'm kind of glad he found it - the boy must've been in heaven for a bit.

Warmer today - the wind chill is in the teens!
The forecasts for weekend snow I hear through the grapevine keep growing - 8", then 12" and someone last night said 2 feet. A bit over a week ago I would have started planning in my mind for the drinking this would incite or justify. I recognize that AV, but I am not and engaging.

Off to the races with me!
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Old 01-20-2016, 05:16 AM
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Lucky pup. I did mean me with the jerky. I'd have been the nom, nom, nom dead cowboy/frontier guy. I always remember the stories of being on the trail / range and rationing out the jerky provisions to make it to the end of trail. But I fear I wouldn't last a day , I mean cmon a satchel of jerky at the hip just moseying along? Nom, nom ..
I'd have a better chance of making it with a pouch of salted lima beans.
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Old 01-20-2016, 07:39 PM
  # 93 (permalink)  
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Wow, really?
I just lost a whole post. Funny how my most illuminating and inspirational musings get lost that way.

Alight, suffice it to say these are very long days for me, but it's fine.

Thought of the day is that to continue with my progress, I'm going to try to gradually identify people I think I can trust to let them know I'm in treatment. First person is tomorrow because she is going to be wondering why we're not riding the train home together and I am not inclined to lie to her. This woman is my best work friend and is also a nurse, so hopefully she will be understanding and supportive. (Although I think she's going to be rather shocked.) I've got some pretty serious trust issues, but they haven't done me much good lately, so it's time to start taking some "safe" risks. Not that I feel there is such a thing, but I used to and would like to work my way back toward that Life Lived Fully concept.
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Old 01-21-2016, 01:48 AM
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I agree that lying is wrong, but I would be careful about putting too much out there at work.

Not to validate your trust issues, but people are people and you know that your share will be shared, so once its out there, its out there.

If you are comfortable with that, go for it, but for me, this took time and I would not make a potential issue this early.

But that is just me.
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Old 01-21-2016, 07:28 PM
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Day 10, Baby

I really appreciate your input and thought a lot about it, Dropsie. Thank you. I do feel that I really can trust this friend, though. We've been through a lot together and have a very healthy amount of respect for each other and our boundaries, etc. We went out for coffee/cocoa and when I told her that I was in treatment, she was floored. I rather expected she would be, and for that I was grateful. My worst case scenario was that she would say, "Thank God - I've been praying for you to get help."

The next words from her were that she already admired me for all that she knows I am handling (stressful job, raising these girls by myself halfway across the country from my family), and this just increased her esteem for me. Because I'm handling it.

Wow. My turn to be floored.
I didn't expect rejection, but I most certainly did not expect admiration.
That was a nice moment.

On my way to group this evening, I lost my monthly train pass. So that's $20 extra worth of fare I'll need to pay this month. But I figure whoever found it was probably pretty happy, so that's ok. Nicer than that, though: I mentioned losing my pass to Keep It Real Guy as we were gathering for the evening and he said, "Are you all right? I can loan you some cash." How nice was that! I told him I was fine. But was really touched by the offer.

We got our schedules for next week, and I've graduated so that I get a day off. I always was a good pupil.
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Old 01-21-2016, 07:32 PM
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Oh and I'm off the Klonopin as of tonight.
Fingers crossed that will not be an issue.
I wasn't on it long, and halved the dose for the last several days per the psychiatrist's directions, so I'm thinking it will be fine.
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Old 01-21-2016, 07:36 PM
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Some very positive steps you are making and congrats on double digits! It's pretty amazing what can happen when we really put our minds to this sobriety thing, huh? And others around you are noticing too...that's a great feeling, isn't it!
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Old 01-22-2016, 03:30 AM
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Scott, thanks for those thoughts. You seem a bit more enthusiastic than I am about it, but that may because I am only at the stage of being cautiously optimistic.

What IS great is the support and love that I've received from the handful of people who know what I'm up to. Oh and no pain. Then there's the amazing new habit of falling asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow and sleeping through the night. Plus waking up every day knowing I was honest (to the best of my ability) the prior day. And when I think about it, it's pretty great that the years I spent drinking weren't entirely a loss because I learned an awful lot about addiction and recovery through tons of reading and youtube-ing.

Alright, you convinced me.
What's happening here is to be expected and follows all logic because I've got on the right track and I'm staying there. That does not make it any less amazing than it is - the difference between today and two weeks ago is remarkable.
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Old 01-22-2016, 03:36 AM
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Post Script

I slept just fine, sans Klonopin.

Am going into the city today because group is still planned for this evening, although the blizzard warning goes into affect 3pm. I'm thinking it should be fine - we should be out by 7:15. The only drive I need to make is from the train station to my home, just around 5 miles. Seeing as I'm from Wisconsin, I know how to drive in the snow and seeing as most people around here are afraid of the snow, most of them should be off the streets and therefore not a danger to me or others.

My middle kid is scheduled to work in the city tonight. She promises to sleep there if things get as bad as they are expected to be.

So I'm beginning my day with a bit of healthy trepidation with a good dose of "everything is as right as it can be" mixed in.
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Old 01-22-2016, 05:35 PM
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Took myself in to work and got a call at 10am to tell me group was cancelled.

The snow was just starting to accumulate as I left work but by the time I got to the end of the train ride, there was probably already about an inch on the ground. Middle daughter was home and agreed not to go in to work, so this makes me happy.

Having these extra several hours is quite a treat. It's really been a long week, but I don't regret or resent a bit of it. I think it gave me the backbone to disregard that voice. It thought that I should probably stop for some vodka as this is the perfect complementary beverage for a blizzard. I thought that It was being foolish, because in the first place I'd get violently ill if I drank and in the second place I've committed to not drinking.

I'm looking forward to the day that I internalize that this addictive voice is absolutely bonkers. Not there yet, but knowing It's totally irrational and selfish and doesn't care if It destroys me is enough.
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