Today is Another Day
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Good to know Sis.
I've been both, on my way back to TLAS, so I'll keep an eye out for those dysfunctional tendencies.
Speaking of which, I've lost a couple of pounds and being of small stature that means I can shop my closet now for clothes I couldn't (shouldn't) previously wear. It's just a couple of things at this point, but venturing back out into caring about how I look and having pride about it is an awesome turn of events.
I've been both, on my way back to TLAS, so I'll keep an eye out for those dysfunctional tendencies.
Speaking of which, I've lost a couple of pounds and being of small stature that means I can shop my closet now for clothes I couldn't (shouldn't) previously wear. It's just a couple of things at this point, but venturing back out into caring about how I look and having pride about it is an awesome turn of events.
We're not body-dysmorphic adolescents languishing over pictures of "thinspiration." I believe it's about reclaiming one of the frontiers we lost while our addiction had us on the ropes.
You're taking back your schedule, your family, your mind and your spirit. It's only natural you'd take back your body and your public image, too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Hey SIS! How are you these days. Where do you post if I may ask. I was following your progress a while back and just now saw your post. Sounds like you are doing well. Hope so! Seems you went thru a pretty advanced rehab technique. Did it work well. Would you recommend it to someone else? Thanks
Olivia
Olivia
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Good for you Obladi! I have several items of clothing that I outgrew and that I'm looking forward to wearing again. Already in less than two weeks I can feel and see that I'm not as bloated so maybe in a few months I'll be strutting in my old clothes too! If it were me I'd go shopping and buy new things to wear on my slimmer body
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I can "shop" in my closet and I'm perfectly happy with that at the moment, Zen. But the bug is buzzing about maybe picking up a couple of things. Like a plain black dress and several jackets. We shall see!
I'm home and all is quiet, but there's a bit of a cloud swirling on my inside. Have at least a boundary-setting conversation ahead and am not looking forward to it. Not so long ago, I would've drank to avoid it. *deep breaths*
I'm home and all is quiet, but there's a bit of a cloud swirling on my inside. Have at least a boundary-setting conversation ahead and am not looking forward to it. Not so long ago, I would've drank to avoid it. *deep breaths*
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Conversation was forestalled by life events (not mine, theirs).
When my girls were young, I remember talking with my boss and saying that I looked forward to when the kids were older and I wouldn't have to deal with all of these problems all of the time. She said, "Oh the problems don't go away, they just get bigger." True dat.
I'm on the verge of having all adult children. (Officially, anyhow.) They need me but they usually don't want me to help my way; they want me to help their way. To stay in the game and out of the bottle, I'm going to need to figure out how to navigate that minefield. I respect their right to do it their way, but then I need to figure out a way to lovingly extract myself from that part of the equation.
I'm really proud of myself for recognizing yesterday that I wanted to drink because I was pretty much impotent. I wouldn't call it white-knuckling at all, what I did - it was more like (wait for it, Dee...) surfing. At one point when my offer of help was soundly and roundly rejected by one of the girls, I literally stopped stock still for at least a full minute and just breathed. The moment passed and I just knew what the right next thing was. And did that.
When my girls were young, I remember talking with my boss and saying that I looked forward to when the kids were older and I wouldn't have to deal with all of these problems all of the time. She said, "Oh the problems don't go away, they just get bigger." True dat.
I'm on the verge of having all adult children. (Officially, anyhow.) They need me but they usually don't want me to help my way; they want me to help their way. To stay in the game and out of the bottle, I'm going to need to figure out how to navigate that minefield. I respect their right to do it their way, but then I need to figure out a way to lovingly extract myself from that part of the equation.
I'm really proud of myself for recognizing yesterday that I wanted to drink because I was pretty much impotent. I wouldn't call it white-knuckling at all, what I did - it was more like (wait for it, Dee...) surfing. At one point when my offer of help was soundly and roundly rejected by one of the girls, I literally stopped stock still for at least a full minute and just breathed. The moment passed and I just knew what the right next thing was. And did that.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, y'all.
I keep coming back to "it's not the alcohol, it's me."
That is so empowering when taken the right way, isn't it?
Over the past 24 hours, the young woman drama has dissipated as it is wont to do. This has more to do with the astounding resilience of youth than it does with their problems, which were real and truly sad and haven't resolved completely. What I wouldn't give to have known when they were younger what I know now. I gather that's why so many women relish being grandmothers.
No group tonight. I go tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'm done after one session next week but they don't seem to have figured that out yet. I had said that I would go into continuing care (once weekly) and I probably will give it a try, but I'm just not sure.
You tell me if I'm being a snob or off base or something here. The other night when I was angry about the guy learning about "dry drunks," it was because I feel like these counselors think/act like they've got it all figured out and their job is to spoon feed it to us until we get it too. Which would kind of be ok, but they aren't accessible in their style of communication. Most of the folks in this program probably have no more than a high school education at best. And when they are confronted with questions like, "I'm wondering what people feel about self-actualization" or "What does recovery look like to you?" it's completely clear that they have no idea what those questions mean. I hear responses like, "Well, recovery means staying sober" or "Self-actualization means I realize I can't use again."
So when someone says "I'm wondering if not being able to make a decision is my disease" and the counselor nods sagely to acknowledge it is, it gets on my nerves. Or when I learn that someone has learned that they are in danger of being a dry drunk it sets my teeth on edge. I know I was ok earlier in this program with people learning or accepting at their own level, but I don't think that's what's happening here. I think people are not being given the chance to really figure **** out because it's not being presented or discussed in a way that really gets to the heart of things. For them.
So for me, I need to put away my rather tattered flag of righteousness on the part of my fellows and think about if continuing care will benefit me. It might. My participation in the program certainly has benefited me thus far (I'm sober, eh?); I just need to think about whether it will continue to do so. It just might. We'll see.
I keep coming back to "it's not the alcohol, it's me."
That is so empowering when taken the right way, isn't it?
Over the past 24 hours, the young woman drama has dissipated as it is wont to do. This has more to do with the astounding resilience of youth than it does with their problems, which were real and truly sad and haven't resolved completely. What I wouldn't give to have known when they were younger what I know now. I gather that's why so many women relish being grandmothers.
No group tonight. I go tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'm done after one session next week but they don't seem to have figured that out yet. I had said that I would go into continuing care (once weekly) and I probably will give it a try, but I'm just not sure.
You tell me if I'm being a snob or off base or something here. The other night when I was angry about the guy learning about "dry drunks," it was because I feel like these counselors think/act like they've got it all figured out and their job is to spoon feed it to us until we get it too. Which would kind of be ok, but they aren't accessible in their style of communication. Most of the folks in this program probably have no more than a high school education at best. And when they are confronted with questions like, "I'm wondering what people feel about self-actualization" or "What does recovery look like to you?" it's completely clear that they have no idea what those questions mean. I hear responses like, "Well, recovery means staying sober" or "Self-actualization means I realize I can't use again."
So when someone says "I'm wondering if not being able to make a decision is my disease" and the counselor nods sagely to acknowledge it is, it gets on my nerves. Or when I learn that someone has learned that they are in danger of being a dry drunk it sets my teeth on edge. I know I was ok earlier in this program with people learning or accepting at their own level, but I don't think that's what's happening here. I think people are not being given the chance to really figure **** out because it's not being presented or discussed in a way that really gets to the heart of things. For them.
So for me, I need to put away my rather tattered flag of righteousness on the part of my fellows and think about if continuing care will benefit me. It might. My participation in the program certainly has benefited me thus far (I'm sober, eh?); I just need to think about whether it will continue to do so. It just might. We'll see.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i sometimes have conversations similar to this with my sponsor-type person, Obladi.
and what i take away from them is that i have a long way to go in my own ability or even willingness to accept, really accept, where others are at.
my sponsor never ever says that to me, but consistently models acceptance of me and exactly where i'm at in my own non-acceptance.
it's pretty bizarre and wonderful all at once
i realize this only speaks to your post tangentially. i'm not entirely sure why i'm writing it, though it probably relates to your mentioning a possible snob-aspect. which i know i can be guilty of and .
continuing might benefit you simply by putting you continuously in a spot where you need to grapple with these things that irritate you.
and you could certainly benefit some other folk there by innocently rephrasing a counselor's question or asking them to clarify, thereby asking the counselor to put things into understandable terms for all. you might have some fun with that.
personally, i have no idea how i feel about self-actualization since i don't know what that term means. it probably has a rather precise definition in psychology or psychiatry or ...see? no idea!
how can one answer such a question??!???
and what i take away from them is that i have a long way to go in my own ability or even willingness to accept, really accept, where others are at.
my sponsor never ever says that to me, but consistently models acceptance of me and exactly where i'm at in my own non-acceptance.
it's pretty bizarre and wonderful all at once
i realize this only speaks to your post tangentially. i'm not entirely sure why i'm writing it, though it probably relates to your mentioning a possible snob-aspect. which i know i can be guilty of and .
continuing might benefit you simply by putting you continuously in a spot where you need to grapple with these things that irritate you.
and you could certainly benefit some other folk there by innocently rephrasing a counselor's question or asking them to clarify, thereby asking the counselor to put things into understandable terms for all. you might have some fun with that.
personally, i have no idea how i feel about self-actualization since i don't know what that term means. it probably has a rather precise definition in psychology or psychiatry or ...see? no idea!
how can one answer such a question??!???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Obladi,
Just wanted to let you know that you helped me a lot yesterday and I wanted to say thank you.
I may have mentioned that I share custody over my 11 year old daughter with my sociopath ex husband. He is a HUGE trigger for me, so I avoid him at all costs, but we now have to agree on her junior high school so there is a lot of contact and he is being his old manipulative self. I could go into details, but its boring.
So, yesterday, I had had it. And for the first time in a long time thought about drinking.
But then I thought of you and your issues with your daughters and said, if Obladi can handle her family issues sober, I can too. Not that your daughters are anything like my EX, but you know what I am saying.
So that was that. No drinking. Early night. It also made me realise that I don't have this thing as licked as I would like if this event made me want to drink, which was a good lesson.
He is going to "win" this battle again, but that is OK. Probably best of the options for the little one, because when he is feeling like a winner everyone is happier.
I am feeling like Mother Theresa's comment that she knew that God would not give her more than she could handle but sometimes she wished he did not have so much faith in her.
Thanks again, very much. I hope you will keep going to group for their sake, you are a wise one.
Just wanted to let you know that you helped me a lot yesterday and I wanted to say thank you.
I may have mentioned that I share custody over my 11 year old daughter with my sociopath ex husband. He is a HUGE trigger for me, so I avoid him at all costs, but we now have to agree on her junior high school so there is a lot of contact and he is being his old manipulative self. I could go into details, but its boring.
So, yesterday, I had had it. And for the first time in a long time thought about drinking.
But then I thought of you and your issues with your daughters and said, if Obladi can handle her family issues sober, I can too. Not that your daughters are anything like my EX, but you know what I am saying.
So that was that. No drinking. Early night. It also made me realise that I don't have this thing as licked as I would like if this event made me want to drink, which was a good lesson.
He is going to "win" this battle again, but that is OK. Probably best of the options for the little one, because when he is feeling like a winner everyone is happier.
I am feeling like Mother Theresa's comment that she knew that God would not give her more than she could handle but sometimes she wished he did not have so much faith in her.
Thanks again, very much. I hope you will keep going to group for their sake, you are a wise one.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
It's 4pm and I'm finally getting to my morning check-in.
Some days are like that. School excuses, permission slips, dog walking, showering, medication taking lead to Quick Out The Door! And once I got to work it was a continuous series of conference calls until just now. Fridays are hard. But when I get done with those meetings, it feels like the last day of school!
fini, glad you could hear where I was coming from. I think it's important to accept where people are and I try to do that. Even better is if I can meet them right where they are. And I think that for people in the helping professions it should be a requirement. Only I don't know who there is to enforce that.
I guess there's value in learning to grapple with irritations... have to think on how much it's worth to need to pay someone for the privilege. Also, are they deserving of the $200 per session or whatever it is? And I think I could certainly be of benefit to other people by being there, but that's not my role. You know? There's that snob thing again. Or if I'm not a snob, maybe something else. And if that's the role I play, shouldn't they be paying me?
Some days are like that. School excuses, permission slips, dog walking, showering, medication taking lead to Quick Out The Door! And once I got to work it was a continuous series of conference calls until just now. Fridays are hard. But when I get done with those meetings, it feels like the last day of school!
fini, glad you could hear where I was coming from. I think it's important to accept where people are and I try to do that. Even better is if I can meet them right where they are. And I think that for people in the helping professions it should be a requirement. Only I don't know who there is to enforce that.
I guess there's value in learning to grapple with irritations... have to think on how much it's worth to need to pay someone for the privilege. Also, are they deserving of the $200 per session or whatever it is? And I think I could certainly be of benefit to other people by being there, but that's not my role. You know? There's that snob thing again. Or if I'm not a snob, maybe something else. And if that's the role I play, shouldn't they be paying me?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Dropsie,
How AWEsome that I was able to help you and how kind of you to tell me that. Part of the reason I have my own thread is that I worry about treading too heavily on others, so it's really good to hear that my rambling can be helpful.
I too avoid my sociopath ex at all costs, so I can relate to how very triggering that might be for you. It's interesting to me that he "wins" again and that's ok with you. That's exactly how I managed things with my ex when I had to deal with him. I honestly felt like I was paying him for my peace of mind by giving in. And that was totally worth it.
O
How AWEsome that I was able to help you and how kind of you to tell me that. Part of the reason I have my own thread is that I worry about treading too heavily on others, so it's really good to hear that my rambling can be helpful.
I too avoid my sociopath ex at all costs, so I can relate to how very triggering that might be for you. It's interesting to me that he "wins" again and that's ok with you. That's exactly how I managed things with my ex when I had to deal with him. I honestly felt like I was paying him for my peace of mind by giving in. And that was totally worth it.
O
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
I keep coming back to "it's not the alcohol, it's me."
That is so empowering when taken the right way, isn't it?
yes, yes i find it so.
but i've been meaning to throw out this caution about reading it the wrong way, which would look something like this: "ah! it's not the alcohol!! it's me!!! goodie. this means: it's not the alcohol and therefore i can drink it!!!!"
another way i sometimes hear this said is this "saying": alcoholism comes in people, not in bottles.
ah; no, i didn't realize you were paying for this privilege. sorry; must have missed some posts along the way.
That is so empowering when taken the right way, isn't it?
yes, yes i find it so.
but i've been meaning to throw out this caution about reading it the wrong way, which would look something like this: "ah! it's not the alcohol!! it's me!!! goodie. this means: it's not the alcohol and therefore i can drink it!!!!"
another way i sometimes hear this said is this "saying": alcoholism comes in people, not in bottles.
ah; no, i didn't realize you were paying for this privilege. sorry; must have missed some posts along the way.
Last edited by fini; 03-04-2016 at 07:25 PM. Reason: mass confusion
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm not paying the full cost fini, just the copay. But still, someone is forking out the balance and in the end it's us, you know?
In the end, I think people come with troubles and some of us land in the bottle. We are or could be the fortunate few because we are all put in a position at some point of facing it or else...
In the end, I think people come with troubles and some of us land in the bottle. We are or could be the fortunate few because we are all put in a position at some point of facing it or else...
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Took a full-on break this weekend. Didn't know that was coming until I found myself finishing up Season 3 of the House of Cards around 5am yesterday morning!
I don't guys, some weekends I just can't face the next spin on the merry-go-round. The dishes that I didn't use, the kitchen floor that no one can clean but me, the towels that need washing, drying and folding again. Etc etc
Don't get me wrong. I love my girls. I love a clean house. But it's like that deal with the guy who muscles the boulder to the top of the hill and in the morning has to start all over again from the bottom. I don't know where he gets the strength or the brute will to keep going through with it. That's a depiction of hell, right? I don't know - have to go look it up. Anyhow, my initial impression is that guy that I can't spell his name (Sisyphus?) is either an idiot or in hell.
I don't guys, some weekends I just can't face the next spin on the merry-go-round. The dishes that I didn't use, the kitchen floor that no one can clean but me, the towels that need washing, drying and folding again. Etc etc
Don't get me wrong. I love my girls. I love a clean house. But it's like that deal with the guy who muscles the boulder to the top of the hill and in the morning has to start all over again from the bottom. I don't know where he gets the strength or the brute will to keep going through with it. That's a depiction of hell, right? I don't know - have to go look it up. Anyhow, my initial impression is that guy that I can't spell his name (Sisyphus?) is either an idiot or in hell.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
So that was a rosy way to start my day, huh?
Thought I'd break right out of that last post to say it ain't all that bad and in some ways my weekend was terrific. I truly enjoy doing nothing. It's a good contrast to doing a lot. I'm feeling personally fine and strong and just generally good. I totally love it that I no longer spend my weekend soused.
Things haven't changed much weekend activity-wise, overall (as you can tell), but as I said that's ok and the other benefits are pretty great. I'm
- no longer a danger to anyone
- continuing to lose weight (at a reasonable pace, even)
- absent of those horrible Sunday cravings that too often sent me to the next county for another bottle
- waking up each day without physical issues, aside from the disappointing stiffness of middle age and the occasional headache
- feeling personally so much more balanced than ever
I've got a long way to go. Though I would like to be fully "self-actualized" now, thank you very much, I'm good with understanding that my journey is not likely to end until it ends. No doubt someone much wiser and more eloquent than I has already made the point that when the learning stops is when the living ends.
No doubt there are some that substitute the word "suffering" for "living" in that last sentence, but I don't think everything that's hard constitutes suffering. At least not today. And that, my friend, is a pretty awesome realization.
Thought I'd break right out of that last post to say it ain't all that bad and in some ways my weekend was terrific. I truly enjoy doing nothing. It's a good contrast to doing a lot. I'm feeling personally fine and strong and just generally good. I totally love it that I no longer spend my weekend soused.
Things haven't changed much weekend activity-wise, overall (as you can tell), but as I said that's ok and the other benefits are pretty great. I'm
- no longer a danger to anyone
- continuing to lose weight (at a reasonable pace, even)
- absent of those horrible Sunday cravings that too often sent me to the next county for another bottle
- waking up each day without physical issues, aside from the disappointing stiffness of middle age and the occasional headache
- feeling personally so much more balanced than ever
I've got a long way to go. Though I would like to be fully "self-actualized" now, thank you very much, I'm good with understanding that my journey is not likely to end until it ends. No doubt someone much wiser and more eloquent than I has already made the point that when the learning stops is when the living ends.
No doubt there are some that substitute the word "suffering" for "living" in that last sentence, but I don't think everything that's hard constitutes suffering. At least not today. And that, my friend, is a pretty awesome realization.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
I know what you're saying. But I speculate that "self-actualized" might be overrated. I'll let you know for sure once I get there. ;-)
Here's something I heard: "You're either green and growing, or ripe and rotting." In other words, it truly is about the journey.
FWIW...I get awfully cranky when my place isn't clean. And my roommate is no help. It's comical how spun up I can get about that clown!
Here's something I heard: "You're either green and growing, or ripe and rotting." In other words, it truly is about the journey.
FWIW...I get awfully cranky when my place isn't clean. And my roommate is no help. It's comical how spun up I can get about that clown!
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sis, I thought you were going to toss that guy out on his ear. Do it. I can't imagine living with someone's mess if I weren't related to them. Ok well I can, but it's bad enough when you are related.
Two of three daughters are angry with me right now. Actually they have been all weekend. This contributed in no small way to my Netflix binge, honestly. And honestly too, I really felt like drinking over it. But I didn't. It is NO fun living through this. Nevertheless, I stick by my story that I'm feeling good and strong. Just wanted to say that.
Two of three daughters are angry with me right now. Actually they have been all weekend. This contributed in no small way to my Netflix binge, honestly. And honestly too, I really felt like drinking over it. But I didn't. It is NO fun living through this. Nevertheless, I stick by my story that I'm feeling good and strong. Just wanted to say that.
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