courage2

Having upped my meds, I'm in a curious mental state. When I concentrate on any idea, I feel considerable pressure on my brain stem to *stop*. But I'm totally alert. It's like I'm primed to be effective but can't step up to starting.

trachemys

Between your conundrum and your signature I think you need:

puffy

Bunny, I've read through that forum somewhat. It really takes a lot for me to break into a thread. And to answer Dropsie's question I'm afraid of facing losing someone who is my best friend. I know I have to explore the idea that this relationship is no longer good for me. I can't ride that bull when I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure my cowboy is going to be okay.
SR- I have noticed that my skin feels smoother but I don't know if I look younger. That is for others to judge I guess. I went to my radiation appointment and they gave me tiny tattoos to use as markers. I'm mentally exhausted from always wondering what they are going to do to me and wondering what I'm going to have waiting for me when I get home. I cried for the first time in a long time as I prayed to my father who passed away from cancer. All I could say was I was tired and let things just stop for a moment. I need to breathe. However, like Hawkeye I keep moving and eventually find something else to smile about,,, well maybe tomorrow I will smile. Right now , I'm okay with feeling a little down. Feels good to release the tears.

Tooshabby

(((darling angel puffy)))

I virtually never cry. Like twice in the last 15 years or something, so I know what a relief it is when it finally comes. I get teary or cry for other people, but am a bit dead inside when it comes to myself.

Puff -I'm going to go way out on a flimsy, unpopular limb here, but if you feel like your husband is your best friend maybe it's a relationship worth nurturing. No doubt, it's awful that he's getting drunk when you are recovering (in more ways than one), but hey guys, we are/were addicts too, right? If he is a lovely person, and you love him, then wreak every last drop of the milk of human kindness out of the love you have together, because you deserve it Puff.

Dropsie

Puffs,

Shabs is right as usual --must get boring....

My point is, do what is good for you -- whatever that is. That is all I am saying.

I know that knowing that is hard, especially now. But l always knew. But I was afraid, of being alone, of letting him down, etc etc etc

Do what ever will make you the happiest or least sad, for you. And having the company of your best friend even bombed is a good thing. Until it isn't.

Which may be never. Or may be tomorrow. You will know, and if you don't, ask Shabs. Cause she is my imaginary go to gal for such things.

sleepie

Puff

Drops what a lovely thing you wrote

Croutie

Sleepie I agree with you. Dropsie expresses herself so well. I always want to chime in and say " ditto" to most everything Drops and Shabby have to say!
They always seem to hit the nail squarely on the head...
And Puffy, I think you are very sweet and brave. I wish you all the best. You deserve peace and happiness...

Cow

Puff, whatever get you through. I know for self, sometime it make it harder to be with "wrong" person, but then sometime I would give entire kingdom just to has any person. Only you can decide what make you feel most comforted during tough times. I think about you often.

I gonna be taking break from SR, my sweet little doves. I just need to go to my cowplace and take care of some things. I be back though. No you worry, I never break promise to you yet, yes?

Moo Mwah, Moo Mwah, and I see you soon.

PS. Please not PM me, as I will not be on site and not wish anyone to think I ignore them.

sleepie

Sigh that really makes me sad Cow I found a new friend and now ur leavin' sorry I gotta be honest, few in life make me feel, I dunno, accepted. Or close to it. So I don't care if it's selfish, this news makes me sad. Sigh sorry Cow

Hawkeye13

Will be thinking of you and wishing you peace dear Cow

trachemys

Enjoy your cowplace.

Advance warning: in five weeks, I'll be making a disappearance. Heading to the island with the folks for a long weekend. Dayhiking, golfing, seafood eating all being planned.

Kinda irate at the moment. Water's off in the apartment complex. Can't do laundry or clean anything right now.

puffy

Shabs- thanks for saying that! One reason I don't go to the family forum is because I feel some push for the more popular view of leaving the partner that is struggling. I guess I still have hope for him even though his family and some of mine don't. He has no one that believes in him but me. I won't lie... he is tough to be around when he is drinking but when he is sober he is the man that I want to be with. And I know he wants to quit. For right now, I'm here and not leaving. Later on, maybe I will decide that I can't be healthy and happy if he doesn't figure it out. Regardless, I thank you all for your support. Drops and Cow I really appreciate you having my back too. Never knew how much this place really means to me until I start reading and realizing that I tell you all more about this struggle than I do others. Somehow with you, I'm not embarrassed. Much Love Puffy.

sleepie

Puff I think it's really strong of you and very kind to see your partner's better qualities and of course I hope he quits. You said he wants to quit, so that's good. Of course you can't do it for him and I hope he will quit on his own and come to appreciate you. Of course when you are involved with someone you love, know and care about it isn't always as easy as simply leaving the person. If they showed no signs of quitting or even wanting to that might be different, we all have our boundaries and such and you have yours too so if being with this guy is where it's at for now then I hope for you both to be happy.

trachemys

I need to make some changes.

The company I work for had some mandatory long hours over the past couple of months to cover needed production and shipping during the holidays. I mean 60-80 hours a week. That was unremarkable for the company as productivity stayed the same.

I was one of the bright spots for the owners since I don't care what others think. When I got tired and unproductive, I went home. "You're hurting morale not staying." Yeah? You're hurting the company staying.

In response, the owner shut down all overtime except as he requested. Except for me. I can work all I want.

I did take a couple of weeks of normal hours to rest up. Heck, I'm older than most of them and am on my feet longer than any of them. I have no sit down work. And the owner keeps thanking me and putting extra hours on my paycheck.

Not a bad position to be in. The work is interesting. People have learned to leave me alone. I make big, long lasting contributions.

However, I'm underemployed and underpaid. I need to get back to a commensurate position. I'm going to overhaul my resume and my job search. I need to get myself into a position to provide for myself for the rest of my life. I failed at killing myself drinking so I better get on with living.

I had just hit comfortable here after a year. It's still a struggle and all I'm doing is maintaining so, I need a big change. I need a better day job so I can figure out a sustainable long term life. Y'know, something other than living out of a backpack? I have some ideas but need some funds and resources.

Moral of this story? My purpose for sharing this?

You pay the piper. I've seen my former drinking buddies do so, and am myself doing so, now. Instead of easing into a retirement of golf and fishing, I'm trying to build a new career and some kind of income that lasts as long as I will. I'll probably work until I die but that's better than dying in a way that makes people heartbroken.

So, change is gonna come.

Cow

Jesus God. That is most words I ever seen turtle write.

You go, Trach! You movin' on up!

puffy

Yes Sleepie...you are right. And I just want to be happy no matter what. Facing my own mortality it seems even more so.
Trach- I admire you switching professions. It is tough to do at any age.
Hope you find something that fulfills you financially and passionately.

trachemys

Apart from in my home Class thread, I think you're right Cow. You out of Cowland?

trachemys

Oh, Puffy, thanks for the "switching professions"! I really had no choice. I lost a business and my life to the housing crash in '08. Total bankruptcy. That equaled total depression and rampant alcoholism. I'm rebuilding life from zero. In fits and starts.

Croutie

I was just wondering Trach, that given your current employer seems to put more trust and faith in you than others working with you, is it possible that if you shared your need for a better job/opportunity that he/she might step up to the plate and offer you a better position with growth potential where you are now?
Just a thought...

Cow

I not out of my cowplace just yet, Trach. But ...dammit... sometime I just has to check in and see how you chuckleheads is doing, and I could no let you sudden verbosity go unappreciated. ~ to all