mpr

Some great posts here guys, thanks. I want to quote and reply to everyone but that is tough!

Everything you say makes sense. Truth is I can justify yay or nay in my mind. I am a great salesman and the truth is either side can be appealing.

I have been thinking more and more about my specific problem with alcoholic. I think I am a problem drinker with an addictive personality. I think my biggest enemy is my mind, not the act of drinking or over consumption. My mind does this with many things I fixate on, luckily most of them aren't unhealthy - though the thought process is unhealthy.

I believe I can have a drink or two and be fine, abstain for time between drinks, continue indefinitely but my mind will mess with me as opposed to the alcohol itself. Even though I am not a weed head, if I have it on hand I will smoke it, not all of it, some of it, but regularly, why? cause I have it, and its on my mind, its my thought process.

Essentially lets say I appeased my addictive personality with 1-2 drinks everyday, recommended dosage for men to reap health benefits. My mind would be pleased but I really do not want to drink every single day, my mind wins when it should not. I believe my addictive personality is the root of MY problems, of course YMMV. I need to tackle my addictive personality on some level as I never have before.

Alcohol was a problem in my life and I quickly got rid of it, which is fine but I never once addressed the underlying issue. This thread has really made me realize how bad my thought process can be.

I'm the kind of guy if I have nothing in the house to indulge in i'm good to go, no problem. If I have said item on hand its on my mind, simple as that.

I hope this thread helps some out too! I have actually learned from it, glad i made it.

I'm not sold on any decision yet either so no worries. We take this sober thing day by day.

Oh, and those the guys who are concerned about having cravings at 1 year, or 5, 7 etc.. days, years are just numbers, don't get overly confident as sober time passes. 1 month or 1 year, no difference. Worry about today and the rest will follow, that is all you can do. Cravings will come and go like the weather, its a on going battle.

thenewguy

I'm a year sober, and I guess my question would be "what's the point"?

When I quit for good last year, I was crossing a threshold from an old identity to a new one. I was Dave the Drunken hermit, and I decided from then on I am Sober Dave. who is fully present in his life, and the lives of others he loves and cares for.

I believe we take on new personas thru our lives, and to try to tiptoe back around the old persona would undermine (and potentially destroy) everything I tried to work for in establishing a new, improved persona in sobriety.

I hope this makes sense. Whatever you decide, simply ask if you are best honoring yourself- your goals, hopes, and dreams, with the decision.

mick3580

When you drank, you only had five drinks on any given night? Sounds like you moderated your drinking the whole time. It sounds like you are saying you never got out of control. Do, what would be harmful about drinking?

2muchpain

[QUOTE=mpr;4904869]Yes it all varies person to person. I can say I quit cold turkey for 7 years and never had a slip up even once. I just find myself a much more mature person now and wouldn't even want to over indulge personally but one can never know for sure.

Problem drinkers apparently are not physically addicted to alcohol, probably more mental than anything. A true alcoholic is physically addicted. These are all labels though, and both are a problem.

Sorry, but I have to disagree with you. Being an alcoholic, to me, is much more mental than physical. I am physically addicted for a short time, but it's the mental part that causes me to back to drinking again, again causing the physical addiction. My biggest problem is what is going on between my ears. If I don't work on that part of my addiction, the physical addiction is a guarantee. Label or no label, this to me is true addiction.

Sounds like you have managed to come up with a lot of ways to justify going back to drinking. Many people that have had some serious sober time like you ended up believing they can moderate only to end up with some disasterous results. But everybody is different. After 7 years of sobriety, I'm guessing you'll know real quick if your addicted or not. Personally, I don't understand why you would want to take the chance, but each to their own. Take care.



]

mpr

Ya roughly 5 drinks. I would usually pick up a mickey of stoli's every night, i'd never finish the bottle though. I was in control enough to know I had enough but I felt the drinks I had was excessive plus it was almost daily.

[QUOTE=2muchpain;4906389] You're absolutely right, the mental is part of it and for some it is the bigger part. Like myself, I don't think I was ever physically addicted to alcohol but psychologically I was, underlying issue being my addictive personality.

Mental and physical addiction are both very serious however the true alcoholic according to what I've read is very much physically addicted which in turn creates a deadly situation based on health and what not.

I am no expert but a problem is a problem no matter what.

In my case I put the booze down but my addictive personality never went away. I was addicted to exercise where I would never want to miss a workout or felt bad if I did. I never felt I could slack on my diet. The truth is I can miss the odd workout and don't have to eat clean 100% of the time, 90% is fine and better than many. That is most definitely my addictive personality at work. Alcohol, online shopping, fitness, I find something I like and I run with it. I need to tackle this. Alcohol for me became a problem of me having to do my daily routine of 5 drinks because my addictive personality told me I should.

Alcoholism is very real. Is addictive personality real, is it a choice? I don't know because I never researched it before. I find it very fascinating nonetheless.

Aellyce

Please re-read these quotes together, buddy:

You already know what's missing, probably. You decided to quit 7 years ago and could, and went on with your life, but never addressed more? If you read these boards, you will see all over that people are talking about "working on recovery" and "changing our lives". That's basically modifying our orientation towards our choices, actions, and most importantly, our minds and motivations as the origin. We can't change who we are of course but we can change our focus and how we handle our challenges.

Some of us on this forum have actually done research (as a professional) on how addiction works and the "addictive personality". Myself included. It is indeed fascinating, for me at least

It sounds like you are someone with a good and successful life and probably your obsessive tendencies have helped build it in some ways. I won't say anything else now just encourage you to think again whether you want to risk all that thinking you can control drinking just because you are able to control other things in your life.

In terms of working on our personalities: keep reading here. There is a lot of cool psychology and other stuff you might enjoy. Probably you don't feel the difference time and effort makes within you mostly because of what you said: that you never addressed more than the drink specifically.

grubby

I believe "addictive personality" is real, hindsight is 20/20 and when i think back on some of my previous hobbies i can't help but notice that i REALLY threw myself 100% into them....... whether we're talking Pokemon cards, certain PC games, or certain foods, i notice i would always "look forward" to times involving whatever i was into at the time. More recently with booze i noticed i would "look forward" to whenever i had planned to drink that day.

Physical addiction is a whole other animal, i don't think physical addiction discriminates at all....... rich or poor...... young or old......... healthy or un-healthy......... look at all the celebrities and high-profile people who were physically hooked in their past.

I guess there is a need for more information, i don't know if these were addressed in this rather lengthy thread yet or not but just in case......

1. Did you experience withdrawal(s) when you quit? Examples include high blood pressure, bad insomnia, vomiting, anxiety, shakes, etc.

2. Did you ever have an "AV" incident where your mind suddenly inexplicably veered off for a moment and started thinking about booze?

mpr

I can relate. I was on a exercise kick to the point it was probably unhealthy, considered taking enhancers to further that(i didn't) and hell even pre workouts were getting addicting! I took a step back(much like i did with alcohol) and had a whoa moment, I went 'lax on the exercise, did away with pre workouts and said it isn't important and now I just moderate it with the bare minimum.

I think in my case I had a choice, I was able to walk away from my vices and simply said "nope, no more" if that was booze, pre workout etc.. what have you. With physical addiction I think you have no choice, the body wants, the body gets, nothing else matters. Like you said totally different animal.

I did not get any physical withdrawals when I quit. It was all basically just grasping it mentally that I would not be drinking each night and within a week or two it subsided a great deal and here I am. Up until now I've never even really considered or been tempted to have a drink.

What is a AV moment? I've thought of booze but its usually if it came up in a movie or i saw something booze related. It never really out of the blue pops into my head.

DoubleDragons

Please don't romanticize the drink. There is nothing there for you. I drank for 27 years. I quit cold turkey and have not relapsed and I am going on one year sober at the end of this month and man, I am so jealous of you. You are only 33 and you already have had seven glorious alcohol-free years!!! That is my biggest regret. That I romanticized the drink and let it take away real life from me for 27 years. I am living more aware, more grateful, more in awe than I can ever remember. Tonight I took a class trying something I never dreamed that I might have an interest in, then I went to dinner with lovely friends. Most of them drank alcohol. I didn't. I was clear, healthy, enjoyed my conversations, had a fabulous ride home by the ocean in my convertible. My son, daughter and I painted some pictures when I got home, listened to jazz, and talked about our day. I am ready to set in for a good night's sleep because my sleep is always delicious now that I don't drink. I have four children, and I would love if they would never drink alcohol or ever do any mind altering drugs, whether they're alcoholics or not. I want for them what I didn't give to myself: total awareness, total sensation, total awe of the miracles of their lives. If these were the last days of your life, would you want to live them dazed, buzzed, numbed??? Man, be in awe of yourself. You are so cool. You are so amazing for getting "it" so early. Don't be a fool.

grubby

That is very interesting............. i drank for around a similar time-frame in terms of years, I am younger than you too........ and i had a BRUTAL first 2 weeks in terms of withdrawal, it was hell on earth especially the "no sleep for two weeks" part. It was an awful awful experience, i also had 1 or 2 days of that "skyrocketing blood pressure while lying perfectly still in bed" that some people describe.

I guess another question is what were you drinking exactly? Pretty light stuff?

I mostly drank regular strength beer during my drinking career, with some "hard" liquor towards the end, and i was surprised by the withdrawal i had.

What's an AV moment? You'll know when it happens trust me..........

From the sounds of it perhaps you never progressed to being physically hooked, again without more details like type of drink as mentioned above it is hard to tell. For all we know perhaps you were drinking Bud Light's the whole time...... or a similarly weak brand. If that is the case, i can see how it would take a lot longer to get hooked than a person who is imbibing "standard" strength drinks and "hard" liquor.

I guess it's your call regarding trying "moderation", but do so at your own risk..........

mpr

I was drinking stolichinaya vodka, 5~ drinks a night. I may have had a restless night of sleep or two but really nothing major i'd say. All in all I just kept busy and occupying my drinking time was probably the hardest but again that isn't a physical thing.

DoubleBarrel

Do you want us to tell you it's ok, or talk you out of it?

I think posting here, you know what the consensus is likely to be.

Very rarely after feeling the need to quit does anyone return successfully to moderation.

If you can do it, more power to you, but I see absolutely no upside to trying.

Sounds like addictive voice run amuck.

fini

Essentially lets say I appeased my addictive personality with 1-2 drinks everyday,.....

there's something so screwy in this statement, so circular or backwards....if you have what you term an addictive personality, there IS no appeasing it. drinking every day would FEED it. keep it going.
an addictive personality would be best served to look deeper and make changes such that the addictive personality can live life without needing "appeasement" via daily drug.

it's a bit like dealing with dogs, or two-year-old tempertantrum-throwers: yeah, you can "appease" them by giving them what they're screaming about, but you're growing a monster in no time flat. it's quite a bit like that, though not exactly.

Raider

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mpr

Correct which is why I am attempting to understand and tackle the addictive personality within myself at this point. Alcohol, exercise, online shopping have not been my problems they have simply become a problem as a result of my addictive personality.

Can I ever do anything in moderation, curb my addictive personality? I do not know. I am just trying to gain a understanding of what I am exactly dealing with.

Croissant

I think now, with a rational and sober mind, I could stop, at one or two drinks. For sure. I agree completely.

I have no doubt I have no desire to get blind rolling drunk.

Problem is...alcohol has already screwed my system and the way I respond to it. Nothing is predictable once it's in my system.

To me, I may as well pick up a gun and play Russian roulette with my life. There's no guarantee I could resist another dose of "euphoric Recall"...of which it's proven, without a doubt, our brain will fight to keep the addiction going, by how our system categorises memories of drinking.

I had everything and lost everything. To even consider getting back into bed with an abusive ex is considered crazy. I think choosing alcohol would be the same disastrous choice?

For me, that is.

jdooner

If you were like me I doubt they were 1.5oz pours. Your 5 drink may actually be closer to 10 drinks served in a bar. Again, delusions, illusions, obsessions are all lies we tell ourselves.

jdooner

By returning to active drinking? I could understand if you had done tons of work and felt you no longer had an addictive mindset. However, through this work you would never be in this debate. But that would make more sense. What you are doing here is saying I have Asthma and its gotten better but I feel to test my lung capacity I am going to get dropped off on top of Everest to see how it will go without acclimating. Yes, you are going to find out but you may suffer some sever or fatal consequences in the process. The one thing for sure is you will find out for certain.

I think you know this though and that is precisely why you are asking for permission from an anonymous recovery forum to become active again.

grubby

I forgot to mention this, at the time i was actively drinking it didn't ~seem~ to me that i was drinking a lot, i thought my intake was more or less normal but erring a bit on the high side.

It wasn't until i started looking into this stuff via Google and here that i discovered i was actually drinking A LOT, i would guess-timate i was what they call a "binge" drinker.

mpr

I agree. Thing is in my case if I feed it alcohol or not I still appease the need by feeding it something, whatever that may be.