Fandy

I will always remember you for the Broccoli Analogy...it was one of my favorites.

1/2 a beer does not make you a non-member. You do what works for you.

and I for one, respect your decisions.

pipparina

Best of luck to you. And please, if it gets to be too much, come back.

I have 14 1/2 years sober. I don't go to meetings much anymore, but I am know myself - I will never be able to drink like a normal person no matter how long I stay away from the stuff. I have enough evidence to prove it from my 20+ years of drinking to not even consider testing.

And for those newcomers who are afraid that life will be filled with the daily struggle against alcohol - I can attest that it is not. I don't think about drinking, I have no desire to drink. I stay close to other recovering people. I purposely go on this site every day to help another alcoholic. I stay close to my higher power. I live my life. I enjoy my life. I do no think I'm missing out on anything just because I don't drink.

stugotz

Thank you very much......

PaperDolls

Hey stugotz, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

You will be missed around here for sure. If you need us, you know where we'll be.

sobern2003

Stu my situation is similar to yours.. after 9 years abstinance I started back drinking in August...so far its working out fine. I dont drink,nor do i have the desire to drink at anywhere near the levels I was drinking in the past... some nights I have no more than one drink and then Im done.most times 2-3 drinks max.. I hope it continues to work for us... and if it doesnt we know what to do..

stugotz

Thanks again everyone. I dont plan on drinking or doing anything else for that matter. What I do plan on doing is continue living a decent moral life while trying to help others. But to continue as an AA'r would be like asking to borrow money while I have a gun to your head. Just sayin...

Mizzuno

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

Jeni26

I loved reading your posts, they have helped me a lot.
Thankyou for your contribution to SR, and for helping me along the road.
I feel a little sad, I guess if I'm honest, a bit scared for you too.
Take care xxx

KnowHope

Although what you do is really up to you, I'm sorry to hear it Stu...

I have just watched the person who I thought was the love of my life destroy nearly everything of value, from his relationships including ours in the last two weeks, to his career, his finances, his home, his reputation, his integrity, his self-respect, his health, his welfare, his family, his friendships and so much more in this last year through several relapses after putting together nearly 16 years sober. The insanity returned, and the illness progressed beyond anything he (or I) had ever known before. I hear he now has a few days clean and sober again and pray for his sake that he will do whatever it takes to get well. I would never wish what we have just lived on anyone.

I pray that you made a mistake when you found AA and that you aren't an alcoholic or an addict after all because all the evidence I have seen and lived tells me there is just no way to unpickle a pickle.

Perhaps it's not too late to turn this train around today, if you can find the willingness.

God bless

KnowHope

I thought the same thing and perhaps regret not saying it after this thread:

"Had a 12 pack last night....."

I remember feeling confused by all the support in the thread after this, as I can tell you that the last way I can think of that I want to spend my sobriety anniversary is to be covered in alcohol for any reason. Also the last sober alcoholic I knew who thought there was nothing too odd about being in a champagne fight relapsed some months later after many years sober. I'm just saying, maybe it's a shift in attitude, or maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe hindsight is 20/20, or maybe you've actually got it all planned, figured out and in control, and I'm Chicken Little.

Any hope in suggesting a meeting today, maybe?

KnowHope

That is, if you survive. Because it seems to me that when you're dancing with an 800 pound gorilla, it's not you that decides when you stop

stugotz

@Knowhope. You see for me alcohol and drugs werent the problem, I was. The program taught me to accept responsibility for my actions. It taught me that with God, patience love and tolerance I can learn to repair my defects in character. How dangerous it is to think that I was ok, it was just the booze that made my life unmanagable. Abstinency for all eternity isnt worth a thing if I was to remain the same person. Life doesnt have to be a struggle. Thank you for your concern. Just sayin...

KnowHope

From The Doctor's Opinion:

"It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."

Selfishness may be the root of our troubles, but it is not all that there is to alcoholism.

Also, although this is perhaps just an aside at this point but it doesn't say I can go and repair my defects of character, rather I turn them over to a Power greater than myself. My experience is that I don't have the power to manage my defects any more than I have the power to manage my life on my own power drunk or sober.

Either way, I mean it, good luck Stu. I have valued your posts, your sense of humor, your big heart, your contributions and your no-nonsense attitude in helping others. Think of it as returning the favor. You are loved.



Big Book quotes from the first edition

HeavyJ

I've got mixed feelings on this one. I've learned that alcoholism is a disease. you can find out how to deal with all of your defects of character, you can find god or a higher power, but you still have the disease. Alcohol isn't the problem, alcoholism is. There are some people that can drink, and some that can't. Why would you come to a Sober website and tell everyone you're going to drink again? For what it's worth, I would try not to have that first drink, and maybe talk to other alcoholics first...

Edit, P.S> I am very sorry for your loss....

DayWalker

Stu,

I just recently came back to the site after being away for a year or more, but I remember ya from when I was here last year.

I just recently came back because I went back to drinking for awhile as well. I made a lot of changes in my life when I quit drinking a couple years ago. I became a better person and changed a lot of the problems that I had with my personality & way I looked at life. When I started drinking again I thought it would not be a problem like it use to be for me because I was a totally different person inside. And the first few weeks of back to drinking it was different for a bit, but by a month or two later I found out I was in fact a "better person inside"...but I was a better person that still had a drinking problem.

I'm not saying this is what is gonna happen in your case, but I'm just saying to be very careful. I would hate to hear that something bad happened to you, because it's so easy for that half glass of beer to turn to a case or a fifth before you even know how it happened.

I honestly wish you well.

Steve

Mark75

You seem to be saying two different things Stu... are you just getting away from AA or are you going to start drinking?

stugotz

I dont think I ever said I was going to start drinking again. If I did, it was a typo. What I believe in most today is honesty and character. That being said, no longer being abstinant I cannot honestly make suggestions to others as I once did.

CarolD

As far as SR...AA and NA connections...I know this...

Members come...members go
Some return ..others do not.

Bless them all on their journey.....

RobbyRobot

Sorry to hear of this news, Stugotz. Sorry to hear of your friend too. The world is all too often an unsafe place for any of us nowadays it sometime seems...

I wish you every good fortune, and I hope your hopes for a good life are rewarded and blessed. Having said that, I don't agree you made the right move, taken the right path, or made the best decision. Its not about me though, and I respect your right to follow the music you hear, and thats the end of it for any of us.

Know this, from me, You're an amazing person, Stugotz.

Threshold

Stu,

I've been missing your posts, and feel a loss that you're leaving SR. Honesty has always been the thing I appreciated from you, and this is one more example.

Now I will be honest. I am jealous. Not that you can drink, because I don't miss booze or drugs, I miss the distraction they provided, but distractions are a dime a dozen for anyone inclined to look for one. I can monumentally F up my life over collecting ball bearings (yes, I DO collect them) if I let myself.

No, I'm jealous of the intense personal changes that bought you freedom. THAT is what I want. That is why I do recovery. That is what I long for.

Four years in recovery and I feel like I am not any better off deep inside me.

Recovery can be a "cover" as well, an interesting distraction from life and my deeper inner issues. I did that version of recovery. But in time I got down to brass tacks, got honest, or as honest as am I currently able. Maybe in another four years I'll find an honesty deep and raw enough to set me free.

I don't care if I ever get to a place where I can say "I could take a drink and it wouldn't matter". But I want to get up in the morning and feel I can face the day, really face it and embrace it without layers of magical thinking, masks and sidestepping.

I've always gotten the sense that is what you want as well, for your life to not be about drinking, or not drinking, or a regimen of recovery. But for life to be about life, which is enough. More than enough.

Don't be a stranger. Some of us need what you have to offer.