firestorm090

Merc, I feel for you and know the pain of hearing a doctor try to get you to see the light. Just last month I underwent a defibrillator implant and it scared the dickens out of me when the doc said I could die while on the table, good grief. I haven't even wanted a drink since then and hope you heed the warning your doc expressed to you.

You're 32 and can have a whole new life ahead if you're able to find whatever it takes to plug the jug and turn this around. Keep trying, never give up my friend and stay close to SR and we'll help however we can. You're loved and cherished here, so hang tough!!

Peter G

Like Kjell said Merc, what is there to think about anymore? At 32 you may well die from one more drink. It's time to put all the bull$h!t aside and get to a treatment facility. GET HELP NOW. Even though you "hope" that finally you have it licked, you've been in that position before yes? How'd that work out for ya?

I am going to be praying that you check yourself in to a treatment center Merc. Some place that will keep you from a bottle for at least a month. Do it for no other reason then to save your own a$$. At least get to AA. Hell mate, you have to do whatever it takes this time - because time has obviously run out for you. Merc, for crying out loud you're only 32!! You have so much more life to live.

I could pop in here and just say "Wow Merc, that sucks, I hope you get sober this time", but in your case it's gone beyond any need for sympathetic replies, don't ya think? You've got no more time experimenting with what you think "may work" to keep you sober. What you've done hasn't worked out so well, has it? And while Rain In My Heart may be a poignant reminder to us alcoholics, if I depended on that and a few visits to church to stay sober, I'd already be in the same intensive care unit you may end up in (if you're lucky). Plainly bro you just cannot trust your own brain to make the right decisions to keep you sober, and the quicker you realize this, the faster you'll stop killing yourself.

Get somewhere that completely takes the possibility of scoring booze out of your life for the next little while anyway. Let your body try and heal itself a bit. You mentioned going to church? Whatever, you know deep down that is a pretty weak answer to your alcoholism at this point. What else do you have planned to combat your disease Merc? Willpower and self knowledge? Good luck with that.

Sorry mate, but I can't play nice reading this thread, as I've also read your other posts in my short stay here, and been inspired to stay sober from the messages you gave. I'm sincerely worried for you, and I'll be praying for you to figure it out from this day until you get the job done. Get somewhere that will force you to stay sober NOW, and while you're there, learn the skills necessary to implement a decent recovery plan to keep you sober once you've finished the treatment. Do it man. You're worried about the stress your family may put you under, knowing how sick you are? What stress do you think you will have put them under knowing that you bloody died keeping it a secret! Come on mate, please, please, get help.

You're in my prayers.

LexieCat

Merc, I agree with the others.

It is time to pull out ALL the stops. Your life quite literally hangs in the balance.

Live or die? Do you really think all those people with years and years of happy sobriety in AA are any better or more deserving than you are? We ALL have overcome obstacles--obstacles we could not have overcome under our own steam.

Long-term in-patient rehab MIGHT just be the ticket. Admit that you don't know how the f*** to get sober and stay that way. Let others teach you. LISTEN to them. Open your heart and your mind. Decide you are willing to do whatever it takes.

We are all pulling for you.

WakeUp

That's what it comes down to merc. Do you want to live or do you want to die?
Choose to live.

Opivotal

MM, I just wanted to add my support and prayers to you. I pray you find the strength to SAVE yourself. Best wishes to you!

TheEnd

You're an awesome contributor and I really hope you make it. My uncle was in your shoes and he basically decided that life wasn't worth living without alcohol and continued to drink. I hope that you are able to pull it together. I'm pulling for you.

I think I just read somewhere that you're only 32, that is way too young too die and to be in the condition that you are in. Give up the fight bro and surrender.

RobbyRobot

Good to hear you say that Merc. I completely agree there is little we can do about the illness of alcoholism in the very early days of getting sober. We can stop drinking of course. And we can put our lives into the hands of God, as we understand God for ourselves. We can be with others who have empathy and support for us. We can be with friends and family who have love for us. We can be with medical and professional people who have services and science for us. We can... well, the list goes on and on.

In each day the single most essential action we can take is to stop the drinking. Nothing else matters in the early days more than stopping the drinking. later on, sobriety is more then just not drinking, but in the early days, sobriety is all about not drinking.

So, for me, you already have this thing nailed down by what you're saying about not drinking. As you keep away from the drink, your experiences throughout the coming days will inspire you and show you a path forward to continue to stay away from the drink. You've been around enough to know there is plenty of help everywhere if what one wants is help to keep from drinking and get a reprieve from their alcoholism.

One of my saddest and greatest struggles with staying away from booze in those early times for me was my obsession with my past experiences that just having one more drink wasn't going to kill me dead on the spot. My alcoholic mind really played that over and over in my mind, that I could have a quick one, and get sober anyways later. To my sick mind, was why the big rush? One more day this way or that way won't make any difference, so why not have a drink? I'm not dead yet, so one more won't kill me, will it now?

I'm sure you've had similar experiences with your own alcoholic mental obsessions as I'm sharing from my own experiences. Its all in the illness.

The other thing I had was professionals telling me that I was also in the end times with my alcoholism, and that I had only so long to live. For me, my case, it was my mentality was dying. Many of them were convinced i was on the edge of suicide daily. Chronic undifferentiated schizophrenia was the actual mental illness diagnosis, along with, of course, alcoholism. I was 20 years old back then in 1977. They were always trying to get me back into a residential medical supervison thing so they could help me before i could [would] do myself in and solve all my problems that way. Them telling me I was always risking my life with each drink and drug I did was akin to them telling me that the story of "Moby-Dick" was really just about a one-legged guy trying to catch a fish. LOL, there was much more to my story than just wanting to die. Yeah, I knew what I was risking, and my alcoholism had total control of me. There was little I could do. I was powerless to stop.

I did stop at 24 back in July 1981. Never drank again. It was a residential detox and rehab. I stayed 3 months rez. I did [and do] the AA program of recovery, and other group and private therapy. I eventually worked for the not-for-profit rehab company. Became an executive director. Retired from active counselling in 2001. What a strange trip it all was [and still is] [lol]

Yeah. I stopped drinking and just went from there wherever it took me. What I did that was different from all the other times is I took the help that was offered along with my stopping my drinking. Not all the help actually helped, but all the help put together always led me to more help which did help. I never drank again. My alcoholism is not cured. There is no cure for schizophrenia. I do not take meds for my schizophrenia. I'm also an amputee. My paralysed right leg is missing a foot. My right hip is fused and steel-plated with a dozen bolts holding it all together. I am a polio survivor since 1958. I get around with crutches or a wheelchair. I live with chronic pain daily. I take no pain meds presently, I've had many surgeries and medical procedures. The progression of my post-polio syndrome forced me to give up walking with my prosthetic leg in 2008. There is no cure for post-polio syndrome. [of course there isn't.... haha.] What is is.

Anyways.

We know alcoholism kills us dead. We know sobriety stops alcoholism from killing us dead. What's there not to like about sobriety?!

Stay with it. Don't drink no more no more. That will open all the doors needed to get sober, stay sober, live sober. Spiritual sobriety is the creme of the creme, imo. You've already talked about God, so you just need to come to grasp with your own understanding and your good to go. Best Wishes!

Sincerely,

RobbyRobot

Forwards

Hi Mercurial, thank you so much for sharing this.

I'm much the same age as you and a while back was in a bad way. My liver was swollen, I was jaundiced, my pancreas wasn't doing what it should, my hair was rapidly turning grey, you name it I was very sick.

Somehow, and I still don't know why, I woke up one morning with the sense of peace that you describe and a belief that I really could quit. Divine intervention? Maybe.

I set about it, found SR for the first time and made over 4 months with not a drop after 14 years of solid drinking. In that time my health recovered to a remarkable extent. It can be done - have faith, get help and stick close to SR. It's time to give your body a break.

shantra32

That shocked me. I honestly thought you were much older from reading your posts. PLEASE STOP.......it's not too late to change your life...it really isn't. It isn't a death sentence if you choose to change it. The body can be very resiliant and can undo some of the damage. But you need to stop for good. Not even one. You are an alcoholic....I am an alcoholic. We cannot drink...thats the bottom line. Please take care of yourself.....please.

mercurial me

I am pretty blown away & overwhelmed by all of the concern and support here. I can't even put into words how touched I am. My immediate family know I'm an alcoholic but haven't wanted to know to what extent. My mother is an alcoholic and much of my extended family so drinking habits are very much a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. My g/f knew I was a heavy drinker when she met me 9 years ago and has just accepted her life with an alcoholic. She's always called my alcoholism my one "fatal flaw" that takes away from an otherwise wonderful guy.

The doctor who saw me Friday after work at emergency said he would be contacting my family doctor asap to set up an appointment. I'll be seeing him early this week to consult about this latest development. I'll want to discuss treatment options with him. Feeling ok today and haven't been drinking since Thursday. Went to church this morning as I don't know where else to turn this weekend. The ascities itself is horribly uncomfortable but amazingly I haven't been experiencing many other symptoms of withdrawal this time around. My body feels like if you pricked my abdomen with a pin it would deflate. Other parts of my body feel rock hard. It's scary.

I've read all of the posts here in great detail and appreciate them all. Every post here and concerned person thinking about me/praying for me is giving my the motivation to have a hopefully story to tell on here & not another war story.

Thanks so much and God bless.

ReadyAndAble

Thanks for the update, MM. I've been checking in all morning, hoping to read a post just like that one. Really glad you're staying strong.

nvrbeentospain

Oh, M, I'm sorry to hear about this but hope you're feeling better now. From reading your posts, it sounded like you kind of knew you were going this way, but yeah, the denial can be pretty powerful. Your post does serve as a good warning for the rest of us, so thanks for sharing.

I'm also glad you have that feeling of peace about not drinking. I guess you've reached the point of no more excuses which can be a good thing.

battypatty

I'm an alcoholic and there are only two reasons I wouldn't tell my loved ones the news you received, and neither has to do with their feelings:

1) I really do want to die

2) I don't want to be accountable

Which is it? If neither, time to get help. You have proven you can't do it by yourself. Neither could I and asking for help was such a relief!!!

I hope you live . . .

artsoul

Hi mercurial - I hope you're able to see your doctor soon and begin the healing process with some medical help. While doing my own research on alcoholism, I ran across a wonderful support group (forum) for those with liver disease. I still go there and read sometimes (I'm not a member) to drive the point home that it's just not worth it to drink.

Maybe that "peaceful feeling" you described was a kind of surrender or even God's grace reaching out to you. I'm so proud of you for the days you've stayed sober. Hugs.....

RunnerMD2be

Some diseases progress and end up being mostly benign. The end result of alcoholism is always, always death. You absolutely have to stop. I am relatively new to sobriety but have a bit of experience being around people with cirrhosis and ESLD. You don't want to go there. You cannot do it alone, absolutely cannot. I think you deep down know that. Its such a struggle, a fight to the death really, but you have to win. I'll be praying for you and your recovery tonight.

Beard82

Praying for you Merc. Please get treatment ASAP!

Thanks for your post, I'm 29 and thought I had years of time left to quit. Not so sure now.

ZZworldontheweb

Wow, sounds like Merc is doing well.

ReadyAndAble

Just giving this thread a bump. Hoping to hear an update from Merc. Stay strong.

Brucel

All I could think of when I read your post was "We stood at the turning point". I pray you are there. God Bless

TTOSBT

I do not remember reading your story Merc, but I guess I know your story, right?

"Cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help it was too much for us..." "Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point....."

Please choose to live. Get help, anywhere, everywhere.
The truth is, some of us die from this disease.
Don't be one of them. I'll be praying for you.