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day 2:

didn't sleep very well. sober sleep always gives me these weird dreams and a lot of nightmares. i think that also ties into my anxiety problems, i've had this since i was a kid, before drinking ever became a problem.

went to physiotherapy and had my bones popped for the first time in my life, informed my employers that i will be able to return to work on friday as long as my MRI and xrays come out ok, and told the inlaws they can come over on saturday instead of friday so that i can serve them cake for my birthday. somehow i will figure out a way not to drink this weekend, birthday or no birthday.

i still haven't told my husband, or anyone else who knows me in person, that i've joined this forum or have finally decided to quit. maybe i'm leaving myself wiggle room to cheat???

maybe i should tell him tonight when he gets home. i'm so afraid to say anything because as soon as i make it public to anyone, i always sabotage myself. this happens in all aspects of my life. it's some sort of sick song and dance. the other 3 times or so i told him i would quit i never lived up to my promise, i'm so afraid to let him down again. if i relapse, then the only person i'm letting down is myself because he won't know that i was ever trying to begin with.

still feeling lost, but not going to drink.

oh yeah - one other thing: i've watched the movie "28 days" (about a woman ending up in rehab) about 30 times in the last few days since i can't actually go to rehab myself, and i can identify very much with the main character. somehow it's keeping me sane and reminding me why i'm doing this...

Tazman53

I have never seen "28 days", what type of rehab is it?

BTW keep in mind that actions speak louder then words, simply do not drink today, do not worry about tomorrow.

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i don't know the different types of rehabs... so i'm not really sure, but here's one of the reviews from amazon.com:

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***** "Everybody hurts everybody, it's the human condition.", March 29, 2006
By Schtinky "Schtinky" (California) - See all my reviews
(TOP 500 REVIEWER)
Maybe you are thinking what I was thinking when I first heard about this movie. "Oh great, they are making a cute movie out of a horrible problem called addiction, and are going to sum up rehab in a darling, romanticized way." I refused to watch it for a long time because of this presumption. Relax, and give the film a try. Although cute in places and using some subtle but great humor, '28 Days' does not romanticize the problem of addiction.

What it does manage to show, much to my amazement, is how trite and cheesy 'Recovery' can seem to the addict. The scenes of chanting, serenity prayers, and singing 'Lean On Me' are not portrayed as inspiring or moving, but as irritating customs of the Center. Perhaps portions of the movie go to the far edges of each condition, drunkenness and sobriety, but it does not come across as contrived. People really do these things, and some people really recover from it, and '28 Days' follows Gwen Cummings story, who is an exceptionally "gravitational" personality, easily allowing for a larger than life story.

Gwen (Sandra Bullock) is a writer, and along with party-time boyfriend Jasper (Dominic West) show up late and manage to ruin her sister Lily's (Elizabeth Perkins) wedding. After being late, Gwen ruins the mother-in-law's dress, takes a spin on the dance floor and winds out crushing the wedding cake, then steals a limo to drive to a cake store and replace it. Careening down the road, Gwen wrecks the limo into the side of a house. Sentenced to twenty-eight days in rehab or prison, Gwen finds herself at the Serenity Glen Rehabilitation Center.

Gwen's lifestyle as a New York writer/columnist is not conductive to sobriety, but even Gwen never realized the extent of her reliance on booze and prescription drugs. Not until she breaks the rules of Serenity Glen and her counselor Cornell (played by the amazing Steve Buscemi) arranges to have her sentence continued in prison. Only when Gwen practically leaps from a third story window in an attempt to retrieve the pills from Jasper that she earlier threw away does Gwen realize something is wrong with her. She decides its time to do something for herself, and convinces Cornell to let her stay at Serenity Glen.

Gwen must face many aspects of herself that she finds intolerable while sober, while also facing visits from Jasper who doesn't see the point of leaving their old life behind for sobriety. What follows is a touching, and yes, comical romp through Gwen's rehab, but it fits well because Gwen has a tendency to use humor to deflect emotional response.

The characters in this movie are outstanding. Sandra Bullock plays Gwen to perfection. Steve Buscemi is amazing as always, Dominic West as fun-boy Jasper is perfect, and look for a ridiculously intriguing performance by Alan Tudyk as Gerhardt, the funniest character in the movie. Gerhardt is an eccentric, over-the-top, emotional, stammering geek, and steals the movie with only a few lines. ("Oh my God, look at my package!" and "I want my foreskin back, no one asked when they took it, they just took it.") Also, at the very end of the movie, check out Gerhardt's T-shirt that he's wearing. Hysterical!!

Even through the horrid cheesiness of ridiculous rehab ritual, Gwen manages to make friends. Aside from Gerhardt, there is Daniel (Reni Santoni) the doctor who used to pump his own stomach, Andrea (Azura Skye), Gwen's roommate, a seventeen year old heroin addict who is far wiser than her years, Betty (Margo Martindale) as the crotchety but not humorless receptionist, and Eddie Boone (Viggo Mortenson) a professional baseball player addicted to booze and sex.

I was surprised at how well this movie actually turned out, comparing in my opinion to the classics 'Days Of Wine And Roses' and 'Lost Weekend'. Pay special attention to Cornell's speech for the group, where he talks about using whether something happened or nothing happened. While there is good humor in this movie, and it realistically portrays the cheesiness of all those rehab clichés, it still winds out to be a good (though somewhat tragic) story about a good person. Gwen is obviously a loveable personality, both drunk and sober, which makes her choice more realistic than someone who makes a "dramatic change". There is a very funny scene where Gwen uses her talents as a writer to create an impromptu play based on Andrea's favorite soap opera, Santa Cruz. The clips of this soap opera are so over the top that you will laugh your hinder off at them.

Great acting, fantastic characterizations, good photography, a healthy dose of realism, a great script, and insightfully surreal flashbacks made this movie much better than it should have been. Oh, and it made me thirsty (he he he). Definitely a 'buy', but I always recommend rent first. Enjoy!

Source

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i don't know why but watching these people talk about their own problems makes me feel like maybe mine aren't so extraordinary, that there are other people out there like me. i know it's cheesy to use a movie and fictional characters to relate to in order to help me not drink, but for now it's been working...

Tazman53

Pixel the fact that there are rooms full of people with the same problem I have who have found a solution to thier problem saved this old drunks life!

Only an alcoholic understands how an alcoholic thinks and only an alcoholic who has found a solution to thier alcoholism can get through to another alcoholic to share their solution with them.

If your stereo broke would you take it to a plumber or would you take it to someone who knows stereos and has fixed thier own stereo?

My problem is alcoholism, as a result I do not want to hear a thing from someone who has not personally found a solution to thier own alcoholism. I have found a solution to my alcoholism and today I help other alcoholics find the same solution I found in their own way by sharing freely with them what was shared freely with me.

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i just took the huge step in telling my husband i joined this forum and am doing my best to stay sober... he's happy because i worry him so much. he's afraid someday i'll fall down the stairs or get hit by a bus (which almost happened last year) and that will be the end of me. he also promises that when we argue he'll do his best not to throw my alcoholism in my face (he tends to go for the throat if we argue which always sends me into a downward spiral).

tazman53 (and everyone else), thanks so much for being here. this has so far been such a huge help, you really are a great group of people.

Mar13

That's great you told you husband
I told mine but he seems to care less lol
well im doing the best i can

pixel

there have been times that i wish he didn't care as much as he did, as sick as that sounds. the more pain i feel, the more i tend to withdraw and just want to be left alone to deal with things on my own. and it hurts a billion times more to see that i've hurt him with my drinking. i guess i try to escape in more ways than one.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Pixel,

I'm very happy for you that you told your husband. Have you checked out the Friends and Family board? It's good to see the other side of things..

I drank to escape everything. Fear is a huge thing. I'm an AA'r and I've found that working the steps is helping me to face those fears, and that in turn helps me not to drink.

I love that movie. One of my favorites.

Keep going girl

Karen

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i'm having a bout of panic attacks.

i just spent the last hour looking through baby pictures of my first son to see if he had effects of fetal alcohol syndrome, because i didn't know for the first 2-3 weeks that i was pregnant and was still drinking. i quit the moment i found out, for that matter i had a hard time even tasting alcohol during those first couple weeks, but there were times that my ex-husband pressured me into binge drinking with him even though i didn't want to before we found out i was pregnant (the taste was too much for me to handle but he had this "you HAVE to" drinking-game type attitude).

i also developed preeclampsia when i was pregnant with both kids, so both were born prematurely, but my older one was born 10 weeks early and had a really rough start of things.

luckily i didn't see many signs in all those baby pictures, and while he does have ADHD, the docs believe it's from his being born so early and having inherited it from me.

good god i can't stop freaking out and beating myself up!!!!!

edit: ok my freak out is calming now, after reading tons on premature babies and FAS, i'm realizing that my son is lucky to be doing as well as he is for being as premature as he was (and he really doesn't have the symptoms of FAS, this is my irrational mind playing tricks on me again). he's already been IQ tested just above genius range, has a girlfriend and friends at school, i need to be counting my blessings instead of freaking out about things i can't go back and change.

Mar13

Pixel honey lots of mother not alcoholic drank and did not know they was pregnant and did ok
I was not an alcoholic with my 1st baby but i did go out a lot and have a lot of alcohol and my baby was fine
don’t worry you are a great mom and did not know you was having a baby
Lots of alcoholic moms don’t stop
I never drank like you so its not you fault if you baby was premature
Things like that happen and with very healthy mothers

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day 3.

trouble sleeping, vivid dreams, waking up feeling like i've been beaten up in my sleep. feel like i have bricks tied to my limbs when i try to move.

i think my blood pressure is acting weird (i got used to knowing its ups and downs from pregnancy complications), feeling bloated, especially in my face.

i've gotten over the panic of thinking i gave my kid FAS after hours of searching for information on the internet, he doesn't have any of the signs and luckily i had only drunk a handful of times that first couple weeks before finding out i was pregnant.

did learn a lot about how lucky i am, and how lucky he is, that his premature birth wasn't much worse. a manageable case of ADHD and a bit of asthma was all he got, when it could have been blindness, paralysis, or much worse. we both almost died during that time.

being so sober, spending a lot of time reliving every bad thing i've ever done or experienced in my life. no wonder i spent so much of my time numbing myself. my husband thinks i'm nuts. he's probably right.

dystopia

well done on three days
im a day behind you and also having disturbed sleep, but i know this will improve if we both keep at it.
pete

Tazman53

Pixel for me withdrawing & being on my own trying to do it alone was always a big mistake for me. I kept trying to quit my way, on my own for about 5 years and always wound up drinking again, I kept on doing this until I had to drink every day just to feel normal. The last 5 years I had to drink, I finally admitted to myself that I could not stop my way and I could not do it alone, I needed help!!!!!

I am no longer alone, I have found the solution to my alcoholism, part of the solution I found is helping fellow alcoholics get and stay sober, it is like a great circle, as I help others get & stay sober they help me stay sober.

pixel

i'm hoping i can do this with you guys. if not, i will seek outside help.

i know a couple colleagues who are also struggling, and they're dutch so it's even harder for them because in dutch culture it's unheard of to give up drinking altogether or god forbid admit that you have a problem. that sort of problem just doesn't exist here, and if it does, you are VERY looked down upon for admitting it. they just do it on the weekends now, but the 3 of us know that we're facing the same situation. i might talk to them when i'm back at work because they face the same beer o'clock and pub lunches that i do.

Tazman53

Pixel I have a feeling you will find out like I did that not everyone drinks, a lot of people don't. There are an awful lot of folks who have quit drinking and I have yet to meet a single person who looks down upon me or anyone else who has quit drinking with the exception of one group of people. Who are these people? The only people I know who talk badly about people who quit drinking are people who have a drinking problem them selfs. Heck I used to feel the same way.

Here is a link to AA in the Netherlands http://www.aa-netherlands.org/aaindex19.php

Amsterdaam alone has 31 meetings a week!!! Sure sounds to me like quite a few folks there have a problem and are doing something about it.

Here is the 24-hour Helpline: 020 - 625 60 57 Why not call and talk to some one?

pixel

unfortunately i don't live in amsterdam, i only work there and it's a 1.5 hour trip each way, although amsterdam meetings would probably be easier because they would be in english. if i went to meetings after work, i probably would only see my children on the weekends because it takes so long to get home they'd already be in bed, which is something i would have to consider.

i know that AA exists here but i would have to be extremely private about it when it comes to other dutch (especially family) knowing about it. i've figured out a way to explain my upcoming lack of drinking during my birthday celebration at the very least - going to blame it on my back problems and the medication i'm prescribed (that i don't actually take).

they really aren't as liberal and tolerant as you'd think they are here, they just claim to be.

if i feel tempted, i will call though, thank you for the info . friday and saturday will be big tests for me.

Tazman53

Do what you have to do Pixel, getting sober and staying sober for me was a choice of life or a slow painful death, when I had finally had enough to drink I was just like I was when I was drinking and had not had enough........ When I was drinking I reached the point where I did not give a damn what other people thought about me being a drunk, the difference was I was at the point where I did not give a damn what other people thought about me not drinking...... I wanted to live more then I cared what other people thought! Funny how the people I thought may have been upset that I had a drinking problem were actually amoung my strongest supporters!

Mar13

great 3 days and today the 4 great pixel im very happy

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day 4.

woke up feeling like utter **** but nothing to do with being an alcoholic or withdrawals, just having to do with being the female of the species. there is still a good deal of alcohol in the house (even a couple of my favorite wines), but no cravings whatsoever. went to physiotherapy and then to the grocery store, walked down the booze isle to get to another spot, it didn't even phase me. i guess pms can be a good thing, i feel too crappy to care about anything except staying in bed and getting some work done.

tomorrow i go see the neurologist to get the results of my xrays/MRI regarding my herniated disc. hopefully they won't find something else like a messed up liver or pancreas or something in there, if all goes well i will finally be back at work on friday after being out for 6 weeks. not looking forward to that as i'm already getting emails about people preparing to get drunk that day... keep reminding myself it's just as easy not to put that bottle to my lips as it is to do so.

just glad that i'm too worn out today to feel panicky or crave alcohol. so far, so good. the redness in my face seems to be clearing up as well