Mar13

When is the last time you drank? My last day was Thursday
If I don’t drink for a while I have that craving I need to drink and get drunk fast, I drink fast
But if I have my 2 glasses of wine or 2 beers every day I’m fine, (maybe because I have alcohol in my system I do need to drink more ? ) I don’t know it’s really strange what happens to me.
I hear about Holland, is the alcohol cheap like in Spain? How are the doctors there?
In Spain the social security what’s is free and private ones, but the medicine is more cheaper there then here, I was there last summer and run out of my pills when to get prescription

And it cost me 1 euro for them, I pay much more here! I don’t know

Mar13

I don’t know about Holland

pixel

the last time i drank was yesterday. the better i feel (meaning the less hung over i feel) the more i want to drink. this is my first day of attempting to live a sober life once and for all.

and yeah beer is pretty cheap here, €10 for a crate of 24 decent beers (some cost more, some less). and then there's the no-name beer that i frequently see the "serious" alcoholics buy that are the big cans for .30 each. they always buy a bunch of those but never any food. those are the people i do not want to end up becoming.

the doctors here are not free, you have to pay for insurance - kind of like america, and it's illegal NOT to be insured. i also don't think it costs as much as america. but you don't have to fill out all sorts of paperwork and that sort of thing if you go to the hospital. kids are automatically covered for free.

Pinkcuda

That is exactly what I'm saying. You are inded, "Powerless" over it. Therefore it is a higher power. Now you can begin to grasp the concept of a higher power. There are powers that are greater than you. They aren't limited to beer and other destructive forces, there are also good ones out there. Knowing that, it is now possible to find one and use it.

Mar13

Ok, I was thinking it was like spain, they pay social security and it comes free and you can pay private if you want ...
so its caind like here .
I think whe have to do something about it
lets start having NO alcohol in the house
how this that sound?

GlassPrisoner

That, is the textbook definition or "powerless over alcohol".

pixel

that would make my husband very unhappy... i still haven't told him that i'm trying to quit yet again, i've realized that this is MY problem and it's time to start owning up to it and taking responsibility for my own actions.

he's a normal drinker and he likes his liquor cabinet, i'm around drinkers on a regular basis. if i was able to abstain while i was pregnant but still have booze around i should be able to do this. i can't expect the world around me to change because i've been too weak to change myself.

i did a lot of soul searching last night and this morning and i finally think i figured out WHY i haven't stopped drinking. whenever i start in with the self-loathing, i automatically go to my drinking problem as the main source. i think i've just needed a reason to hate myself, and i use that one. when i'm hung over, i have a valid reason to feel bad and can ignore any other reasons i might be feeling bad. i'm an expert at escaping problems and not dealing with them.

without the drinking, i'm forced to look at myself in a sober light and look at the real reasons that i have this strange need to hate myself.

i mean how stupid is that? no one likes someone going around feeling sorry for themselves and i've been doing it for far too long, and for no good reason. i shouldn't have anything to complain about, i have a great life!

i've had anxiety problems in the past (before drinking became a problem), and now every time i feel anxious i automatically blame the bottle instead of accepting that i'm just having anxiety. it's like i've been hiding behind it, it's been an easy way out.

now it's time to stop making excuses, start accepting, forgive myself for all the mistakes i've made and will undoubtedly make in the future, and be healthy. even if it means that my death will be by being run over by a heineken truck as my friends joke.

sorry for the rant, i just feel like i need to be telling this to SOMEONE, and right now, anonymous strangers on the internet feels the safest. as soon as i tell someone in person, i start sabotaging myself...

i consider this day 1 of recovery, i don't think yesterday's hangover day counts because i don't usually drink when i have a hangover. i hope i make it through the entire day!

BP44

This is how I'll do the deal today. I got up this morning and prayed to God as I understand him to help me stay sober today, to help me have selfless thoughts and selfless behavior and to be of maximum sevice to Him and my fellow man. I'll hit a 9:00am meeting. I'll talk to a number of alcoholics today, including my sponsor, all of them friends. I'll hit the 7:00pm meeting tonight. I love going to a morning and an evening meetings on the weekends. Some time during the day I'll do some more work on my 4th step, UGHHH. I'm almost finished. If I don't do anything stupid between now and bedtime, I'll thank God for another 24 hours sober. Last night was our monthly birthday meeting. My sponsor picked up his 15 year medallion, and one of his other sponsees picked up his 1 yr. And the lady that introduced me to my sponsor picked up her 23 yr medallion. Boy was that a Divine intervention day. I'll never forget it. I was freaking out and she came up to me and did the "Easy Does It" deal. And then she said, " have you talked to your sponsor about all of this? " " Oh, you don't have a sponsor? Hey, Jim, come over here, can you talk to this guy about sponsorship?" And here we go......Pixel, all I can tell you is when you become willing to do anything to get sober, AA will look more attractive, as will the concept of a higher power.

GreenTea

Pixel... A lot of what you said sounds so very familiar to me. First and foremost, please remember this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! You'd be truly amazed at how many people have stood right where you're standing, right now.

You've asked yourself questions, like why can't you drink "normally", or why can't you stop once you start? You are naturally trying to apply reason to the situation. But with this situation, reason doesn't apply, (and its futile to keep trying -- acceptance is more effective). It was certainly that way with me.

Here's another link you might be interested in...

Excerpts...

It might help explain a few things for you. It certainly did for me.

Self knowledge only took me so far though. For me, it was also vital to get people around me, a network of folks I could talk to and interact with, who already understood where I was at and what I was going through. Service work was also essential.

SR (SoberRecover.Com, this site), has been a wonderful place for me. I've met some amazing people here, done a lot of "journaling", gained a lot of good perspective from people I've met. Among other things, back to that "You Are Not Alone" thing, which is very important for me.

But it can only be a supplement for me. A great place, very handy, only as far away as the nearest computer usually. But still only a supplement.

AA has helped me tremendously. You'll hear people in AA talk about about miracles. Well, they aren't exaggerating. I'm a living, breathing example of one -- God's accomplishment, not mine.

Anonymity is taken seriously within the Fellowship. There are no "records" for your mother-in-law to find. Simply show up at a meeting, preferably at the same time each day. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to say anything. You don't even have to agree with anything. Just show up and have a seat and keep coming back. Soon enough (say thirty days) you'll know whether or not you're in the right place.

Welcome to SR! You are not alone!

Mar13

Pixel I hope you make today! pleaseeeeeeeeeeee
When somebody haves an addition have not be around the thing you addicted for a while
Like if a drug addict sees drugs will not stop, like a gambler sees games or a smoker sees cigarettes
You have to tell you husband to look the cabinet for a while to you make it
I have no problem with my husband he does not drink at all, he does not like alcohol
But, if you only drink beer? You want feel like drinking strong liquors? I don’t like liquors; I just like beer and red wine or some nice cold wine in the summer,
Let’s do something together I don’t have any desire to drink, I had one glass of wine last night with my dinner and did not had anymore.
I know I should at have any wine but did fancy one glass.

pixel

mar13, i envy you that you could only have 1 glass. i typically cannot do that. it will turn into the whole bottle. the liquor is safe, i'm not a big liquor drinker, i mostly beer and wine. i have about 4 more hours before bedtime and so far, so good. although strange thing is i have a craving to smoke weed now, not drink. go figure. anything to escape feeling sober i guess.

not going to smoke though, even though it's legal here...

Pinkster

Pixel,
I can totally relate with you. We have a lot in common. I feel the same way about AA right now. It just isn't for me. I also have the ridiculously high tolerance for beer. LOL

I'll tell you what seems to help with the cravings: L-Glutamine and Kudzu supplements a couple hours before "bewitching time". If you want to hear more, just PM me.

I'd love to join forces with you. Maybe we can do this together?!!?

Question for everyone:
Is "Chat" used much on this site? No one is ever in there when I try. I just ask because if my fingers are busy typing, I can't drink!


Have a great day!

pixel

i'll have to find out the dutch equivalent of these things - then again i'm going to america in a couple weeks to visit family, maybe i can grab some then!

funny thing is i have a stash of valium because of my back but i've been saving them for america because i know there will be many temptations to drink, and i'm hoping they will calm my nerves enough not to want to... also for beer o'clock at work, i actually get anxious when 5:00 nears, wondering how in the hell am i going to say no when everyone is offering me a beer and having a few themselves?

i mean wtf i could be totally abusing this valium but i don't even care about it. i don't even take pain relievers if at all possible because i'm afraid of the damage i might have already done to my liver & kidneys. i'm just a slave to the beer. i may as well live in a bottle.

i would pm you but i haven't been able to yet because i haven't posted enough i guess. if you pm me your email i can email you

CarolD

Pinkster...
SR chat has been broken so often
I think members rarely try to use it...

If you want to Chat...
invite someone to join you there.

You might want to read this info on Chat

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-chat.html

Mar13

Im the same way ! and never smoke but when i drink a lot and feeling drunk i want to smoke
i dont know why
but its good pixel you going to feel better tomorrow, you see !

internalpeace23

Pixel,

I also celebrate my bday on the 5th of October. My biggest fear was how to have a get together without alcohol present as we know where that will lead. I found a good female friend who agreed to dinner and good conversation, so I think I will be safe for the weekend. The first thing you should do while searching for the method that works for you is to avoid all triggers. Remove all alcohol from the house. Its very easy when your confused and uncertain to put down one or two and begin the viscious cycle over again. Keep busy all the time. The more time you have on your hands the more your addiction will haunt you. For example, I have started to write a book about my experiences and addiction in general. Being on this site helps, talking to people, globally around the world who share your pain and are also suffering from addictions. Exercise helps me as well. Anything to tire the mind and keep the body fit. You need a to follow a routine and stick to it. These are tools to hopefully get you on your way. I have drifted off the path recently as I am in Greece as it is so engrained in the culture to drink with food and go out for a drink or two. I of course am making excuses but hey alcoholism is barely accepted as a disease here. Its considered normal by most regions here to drink daily. My most recent embarassment, is I went out with a family friend and his daughter for dinner and wine. When i said i wouldn't drink water he almost made fun of me and so i thought what the heck one glass of wone wont hurt. We ended up drinking 2.5 kilos of wine between the three of us. That should have been my cue to go home and sleep, but instead I went back to my cousins house continued drinking and found myself at a club with my best friend here. I switched to Vodka and found myself puking on first trip to the bathroom. I then at some point, that i was later told about, decided to walk out of the club and fall asleep in what I thought was my friends car at the time. When my friend was looking for me frantically he asked the valet guy if I was sleeping in his car and the gentleman replied no but there is someone sleeping in another car, I was woken up and started to realize what was going on. I surely had a blackout. When I woke up and of course apologized to my friend in the early afternoon, I went into the kitchen and put down a few more drinks to fall back asleep. I was genuinely sorry, yet I went into the kitchen and did the same thing that made me have to apologize. It sounds ludicrous, but is I continued drinking for lunch that day. I am so sick as a result and I am ashamed. I had to skip out on a day trip today and I am home instead here on the computer wondering how this all started. The answer is simple,
we can't have a drink, a sip, or even smell alcohol. There is no social drinking for us. Even if we have a good day where we control our addiction, it will surely be eventually followed by a really bad night. I hope I clearly showed how pathetic my behavior was and how this relapse puts a dent in my confidence level. I see relapse as a set back and like time wasted, when I could be doing all the great things I am capable of. I remain optimistic though, that if and when I come out of this period, I will be a better person as a result. I know I will never judge anyones weakness. Just b/c we don't have it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Everyone has vices but it is those combat them and put them to bay that distinguish themselves from the rest. Lets find the courage!

pixel

oh i soooo know how you feel. it's part of dutch culture to have your family over for cake (you give THEM the cake, it's so backwards here), and i will be expected to serve and drink wine with my father-in-law. i was trying to get out of it, but they already gave me an expensive gift and if i try to blow them off it will cause MAJOR family problems. they've gotten offended at the order in which i serve the cake, snacks, coffee, and drinks, if that gives you any clue. all of these must be served in a particular order - which as an american is completely backwards for me. it's cake then drinks then snacks then coffee. in america, cake comes last... but i diverge.

it's also very looked down upon to have any sort of "mental" problems, including alcoholism, as drinking is a huge part of the culture here. if you have any of these problems, you just don't talk about it. you are expected to be able to control yourself in all aspects of life. if only...

i'm considering telling them that i'm not supposed to drink while on the pain medication the doctors gave me (that valium i've been hoarding for my trip to america), but honestly i'm afraid just of even making it through tomorrow. usually if i go for a week or so of not drinking i can safely socially drink and just have 1-2 beers/glasses of wine and then go back to abstaining, but i still think that's risky.

i'm totally lost on this one. there's no getting out of it, there's no NOT serving wine, it's just not done. best i can try to get away with is just serving it but not drinking it, or having a glass and trying to fake sip it. i have 5 days to figure this out, and causing family problems is absolutely not an option.

Jalyn

I came to this thread because the title is exactly how I have been feeling for the last 1 and a half years. I came to sober recovery over three years ago when I realized that I could not control my drinking. I had suspected this for a long long time actually. With SR and AA, I stayed sober for almost a year and a half. Now, I have been trying to stay clean and sober ever since going over 100 days, then drinking, going another few weeks or months, then drinking. It is relapse after relapse. I have read over 20 books, I know the damage I am probably doing to my body and mind. I know I need to stop. I have so many people who depend on me to stay alive for a long long time. I have been asking myself why I can't stop for a long long time. It is so powerful, that need to relax, the need to catch the buzz so that relaxation can come......I feel ashamed and scared because and I wish so badly I would not have started again. I feel I have had at least five start ups and all have been failures. I am a failure when it comes to this. I will join your thread and hopefully, starting today, one day at a time, I can do this too.

pixel

i've failed at all my attempts too... so far. i hate all the cliché stuff but the whole "don't quit quitting" keeps running through my mind.

Tazman53

Pixel you have recieved a lot of good advice, I will share with you how I quit drinking after becoming one of those red eyed, red faced, bloated alkies you mentioned.

I was able to quit when I threw aside every prejudice I had against every method there was to get and stay sober!

I was able to get & stay sober when every reason I could come up with to not do a certain thing to get sober was cast aside!

In other words I became willing to do anything it took to get and stay sober!

As long as I had one single thing I was not willing to do to stop drinking I drank!

When I was willing to do what ever it took to stop drinking I was able to stop drinking!

I had to put me being sober ahead of every thing including what I thought was right for me!

My way of quitting and staying sober did not work!!!!!