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i've lurked here for a few months now, i know i have a drinking problem, hell just about everyone knows it. i don't drink daily, it's always easy to quit when i have a hangover. i drink just about every other day, and when i do, i binge. i can't remember the last time i went a full week without drinking.

i've never had DTs or any of the horrible withdrawal symptoms i've been reading about on here, but i'm afraid i'm headed in that direction.

i need to figure out a way to stop. my first husband killed himself and the last thing my kids need is an alcoholic mother on top of that. my new husband is great and supportive, but this insanity needs to end, my family doesn't deserve this. i hate myself because sometimes i feel like i love beer more than my own children, or i wouldn't be acting this way.

i don't know why it's so hard to just NOT drink! the normal quitting programs don't work for me because:

- i'm an atheist. i don't have a higher power. trust me, i've tried to believe in something, i just can't.

- rehab is not an option. not just because of the cost but because i've already been out of work due to a herniated disc in my back, i don't want to push it more than i already have.

- i can't even go to a doctor about it because my mother-in-law works in the health care system here (i'm american but i live in the netherlands) and has access to all of my medical records and snoops through them. this is something very private to me.

- we are allowed to drink at my job at 5pm everyday (they even pay for it), and everyone there drinks quite a bit. i even have a reputation and a nickname due to my incredibly high tolerance to beer. it's funny to them, but i'm starting to really scare myself.

i'm so lost. i didn't drink when i was pregnant, so i know that i'm capable of NOT doing it, i don't know what it is in my brain that makes me crave that buzz so much. i used to smoke weed as well and quit that with no problem, i also quit caffeine, cigarettes (years ago), all of those i never had any problem quitting. this back problem has scared me about how i treat my body so i've been taking care of my health - except that i can't stop the drinking part

i don't know what to do. drinking has always been a huge part of my life, what wine to go with dinner, what beer to take to the beach, etc. not to mention social events!!! i can't even clean my house unless i have a crate of beer. i get blackouts and sometimes it would be nice to wake up to a spotless house but not remember doing any of it... it's still not worth it.

i NEED to quit, for me, for my kids, for my husband. this is something that i need to be able to do on my own, privately. this message board was the best place i could find.

if anyone has any advice on how to quit on your own with no outside help, i would so much appreciate it!

(sorry this post was so long...)

DoingWell

You sound a lot like me. I too could go a few days without drinking and then binge drink, I kept thinking because I could do that.. I didn't have a problem. I would even setup little tests for myself.. "Not going to drink for 4 days" and I did it, but I can remember all too well every minute of those 4 days was spent waiting for the 4 days to be up so I could resume this crazy pattern.

Here in the US. We have what's known as HIPAA Privacy laws, do you have any medical privacy laws where you are?
If you don't.. what would the harm be to you if your mother in law found out you were seeking help?
Do you have a family doctor that you could confide in?
AA was not for me but my doctor got me hooked up with a great therapist and group therapy program and I know I'm well on my way. I'll have 8 months on 10/5.
Getting help is not something you should be ashamed of or worried about what your Mother in law will think.. your doing this to get help.. she can't do anything to you.
I would also suggest sitting your husband down and telling him you want to stop.

You don't have to do this alone, no matter what your religious preference, you can get recovery! I believe in God but I don't mix religion along with my recovery as that is just my preference, I never knew so many alternatives to AA existed until my doctor and I setup a recovery plan that I was comfortable with.

CarolD

Hi and Welcome to SR!

The situation you are in is outside of my personal experiences.
I do use God and AA for my recovery.
And I care not what my medical records say.

Here is a link to various recovery programs...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

I think SMART has an interesting approach.

The top sticky post here is from the book
that convinced me to quit.
Blackouts are explained on 35.

Keep in touch with us....we do understand the frustration.

pixel

that definitely sounds like me. being sober is just a waiting period until my next buzz, i can't find anything that makes me as happy as a good beer buzz.

privacy laws exist here but the database is nationalized so she can see my information no matter where i go. i know that she looks at my records because she printed out xrays i had done on my back a few weeks ago. she completely broke the law in discussing the results with my husband, but if i tell someone i might cause her to lose her job. that would be BAD! my in-laws are a strange bunch, very gossipy, i really don't need to yet again be a source of their gossip. sometimes they make my life absolutely miserable. i really need for this to be private.

gratz, 10/5 is my birthday . it's hard for me to get out to go to therapy not just because of my back but because i work so much (and have to travel 1.5 hours each way) that i hardly see my family as it is. i guess i was sort of hoping to use this board as therapy

i had a total breakdown a few weeks ago and told my husband i would quit, and i made it 3 days. his disappointment in me, as well as scolding me like a child really put a tear into our relationship. this is something i very, very much need to do on my own.

maybe there's a recovery plan i can find online anonymously... a doctor is out of the question on this one due to the family problems. luckily i don't think i've gotten to the point where i NEED a doctor (like for people who need detox), i'm trying to get control of this before i reach that point.

pixel

thank you!!! i'll check out that link.

Pinkcuda

How can you say that, and then say this in the same breath? It seems you already have a higher power. The concept of a higher power is there, it's just the wrong higher power.

CarolD

Here is another link

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...640436,00.html

You may have missed this informative article.

Take care...

SaTiT

why can't you stopped ?

maybe it has something to do with alcoholism.

how did I know, I have alcoholism ?
My answer : i wouldn't stopped or stay stopped with my own willpower.

My conclusion or acceptence: I could no longer do it alone.

My path : After many failed attemps of trying to get my life together
or bascailly, I didn't wanna go insane more than I already was.
I became very sick and tired of being sick and tired of it all.
I started attending AA out of desperations.
I sat in meetings stairing at the walls, partly becuase i was shy
party becuase I was bewilder, party becuase alcoholism kicked my ass.
Partly becuase i had nowhere else to go. partly becuase i was bankrupted.
partly because I was ashamed.

I guess some people thought I was listening. I was.... if i would make it out.
I had a heck of a time focusing.
The only thing that made any sense to me or the only thing I could grasp
was " KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT"
I dragged my ass to AA and for the most part i was tired just making it
through those doors. So bascailly i just sat in my little conner and chilled.
day after day.

I guess i could have tried other programs or treament centers.
But ya see....i walked off of my JOB . No job = no money or insurance
I 'm not a habitual or carreer criminal so the court system or the government
didn't stepped in to motivate me..lol

AA is free. so I just had to dragg my ass there.
okay...it helped when AA was only two doors down from my favorite bar.lol

pixel

i'm a little confused here, are you saying beer is my higher power?

pixel

i'm reading it right now, thanks everyone very much for the advice, today is hangover day. we'll see if i make it tomorrow when i feel fine, that's when i'm always at my weakest. (sorry i had to remove the link i got a error message saying i need to post 15 times before it will allow me to post urls.)

chip

Welcome Pixel,

I think I understand what Pinkcuda was trying to say. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like alcohol has a strong power over you. Let me tell you how it was for me...

King alcohol ruled my life. I had no power over it, especially once I took a first drink. Once I started drinking, I could not guarentee anything about when I would stop or even what would happen. Alcohol is a power greater than myself: When I drink it, I lose myself. My self will doesn't work under the influence.

I hope you'll stick with us. I hope you can find recovery.

I based my whole life around drinking. It was very hard for me to imagine quitting. I quit one day at a time, and it's working. I hope you can find an option that works for you.
chip

chip

Just to add to the "power greater than myself" thing....

When I quit, I had to understand that my problem was bigger than I am. My problem, king alcohol, had more power than I. I needed to find another power greater than myself to defeat king alcohol....

This is the basis of AA, and many other recovery programs. These programs work for millions of people all around the world.

What if I don't believe in God? Well, there are lot's of other things that have more power than I have. The very fact that a room full of alcoholics can stay sober is something I consider to be a miracle. Heck, if anybody can stay sober they must have more power than I have...

Some people start out by seeing their AA group, or even the SR group here, as a higher power.

The bottom line for me was: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable as a result. The question for me became: What can I do about this????

pixel

ok thanks, that makes much more sense. yes, i feel like a slave to the bottle. so far, beer has held a lot of power over me, and i'm sick of it. i see pictures of alcoholics in their 40s & 50s, with the red faces and bloated bellies, and since i'll be 37 next week i'm nearing that time. i can usually spot a serious alcoholic from 100 paces. i don't want to end up like those people

chip

It sounds like you are ready to do something about this.

AA was the last place I wanted to go. I went there because I was at my own personal bottom, and I was desparate. Guess what? I havn't had a drink in 2 years. This is a big miracle for me. I was a "serious alcoholic".

chip

You brought up a very good point:

This disease is progressive. It will end in 1 of 3 ways: Death, Institution, or Sobriety.

You don't want to die an alcoholic death. It isn't a very good way to go.

I don't want to scare you, but the reality is that we die from our disease if we don't stop drinking.

chip

I had all sorts of ideas about AA, what other people would think etc....

The bottom line is that I need to save my life. I got to the point where I would do anything to get sober. Now, I try to help others who get to that point as well. This helps me stay sober. I havn't had a drink in 2 years, but I'm only sober today. I know that my powerful addiction is waiting for me, to let my guard down.

I'm here on this forum because I need to do these things to stay sober.

Thank you for being here for me.
peace,
chip

pixel

that's very inspirational for me to hear. i haven't had the willpower for it except when i was pregnant. or maybe the desire? tomorrow is going to be a tough day but i'll be back posting diatribes if i feel the urge.

if the neurologist lets me go back to work on friday, that will be the hardest. it's my birthday, plus fridays are always pub lunch days at work, add all the 5 o'clock drinking on top of that... ugh

pixel

yeah, i'm scared. my uncle, who is only in his 60s, had a stroke recently after decades of booze, drugs, and cigarettes. there have been times where i really thought that i was going to die - a gin hangover had me believing that i was having an anneurism - which turned out to be just migraine from the gin hangover, why don't i learn from these things?!??!! i don't want to die like this, i owe it to my kids to stay healthy and alive. i want to live long enough to see my grandkids.

there is a joke amongst my friends though that if i quit drinking i'm sure to die by being hit by a heineken truck...

Mar13

Hi, im the same way like you
i have a lot in common with you.
Can you go to a private doctor? nobody will know.
I think whey should start together with no drinking
if you want
I have 2 kids and i need to stop
I can have 2 beers for my dinner every day i want get drunk., but if i dont have 2 beers at least once or every 15 days get drunk
and i get drunk so fast and just 5 or 6 beers.
did you hear about the craving pills?
read it here
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/

pixel

i'm only going to go to the doctor if i can't do this on my own. i haven't even told my husband yet. but yeah, let's quit together.

i can't have 2 beers with dinner because then it turns into 10... and then i'll usually skip on the eating part of the dinner.

i wish i was a social drinker who could handle it! i hate giving it up altogether but i have accepted that i can't handle just one or two. especially when i have PMS!! i craaaaave it so bad when i'm PMSing. and that's when i always do the dumbest drunk things

going to check out that link right now. hope some of this stuff is available in holland, things are weird here you can get weed and shrooms but you can't get a decent decongestant or visine. go figure.