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day 2:

didn't sleep very well. sober sleep always gives me these weird dreams and a lot of nightmares. i think that also ties into my anxiety problems, i've had this since i was a kid, before drinking ever became a problem.

went to physiotherapy and had my bones popped for the first time in my life, informed my employers that i will be able to return to work on friday as long as my MRI and xrays come out ok, and told the inlaws they can come over on saturday instead of friday so that i can serve them cake for my birthday. somehow i will figure out a way not to drink this weekend, birthday or no birthday.

i still haven't told my husband, or anyone else who knows me in person, that i've joined this forum or have finally decided to quit. maybe i'm leaving myself wiggle room to cheat???

maybe i should tell him tonight when he gets home. i'm so afraid to say anything because as soon as i make it public to anyone, i always sabotage myself. this happens in all aspects of my life. it's some sort of sick song and dance. the other 3 times or so i told him i would quit i never lived up to my promise, i'm so afraid to let him down again. if i relapse, then the only person i'm letting down is myself because he won't know that i was ever trying to begin with.

still feeling lost, but not going to drink.

oh yeah - one other thing: i've watched the movie "28 days" (about a woman ending up in rehab) about 30 times in the last few days since i can't actually go to rehab myself, and i can identify very much with the main character. somehow it's keeping me sane and reminding me why i'm doing this...