stone

I have to smile, my dad is a bit gone with alzheimers and usually he is very upbeat. Today I gave him a big hug and talked with him, he tried to rape me when I was a kid, but I forgive him, I also forgive my mum for being so ****** up that she didn't believe me when I told her about it at the time.
I look in my dad's eyes and there is nothing there, just fear
poor guy. No-one deserves that.

stone

That picture sums it all up, I was reading about meditation and enlightenment etc.
Hope3, you have a huge talent and compassion.

came2believe

I will keep you in my prayers, StoneRat.

Link to a website about Self-Injury that may help you

Tazman53

SR cutting can get pretty serious, you may really want to consider mentioning this to the medical folks you are talking with, they may move you up to the head of the line or set you up for some other help.

If you feel that the cutting is due to drinking or not drinking you may want to consider calling a sober drunk to help you out until you get into detox.

Hang in there hon, once you get fully sober and start working on your self things will start to improve.

gypsytears

That along with your post #121... leaves me at a loss for words stonerat. I really don't know what to say at the moment.

Please stop hurting yourself.

That's all I got.

paulmh

Morning matey!

Another day - and hurts heal.

Have a good one!

gypsytears

Hey stonerat... how are you doing today ?

came2believe

i'm thinking about you too stonerat! xx

stone

I am feeling pretty depressed today but not as bad as the previous few days. It was my birthday last thursday and I drank, I am shocked at my stupidity but still have some hope in me.
Thanks for saying hi everyone it has cheered me up

stone

I feel a lot better now, as for the cutting...I have never done it before and I can't see it happening again. I won't be drinking tomorrow or Tuesday as that is the day of the funeral so I can't let my mum down. I intend just carrying on not drinking after that. When I get a few days under my belt or have been to the clinic or AA I will start a new thread with a more postive tone. Or maybe I will just keep updating this.

stone

Double post.

gypsytears

Happy Birthday !!!

Well...I was officially discharged from my outpatient program on Thursday night. Maybe you'll get into the program you've been waiting for now. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it... you sound like you just maybe need that edge a program might give. Or a kick in the ass in my case. It really did help push me in the right direction. Have you been to AA in the meanwhile (if not me... others have and will suggest it again)???

stone

Hi Gypsy, well done on finishing your outpatient program
The earliest appt. I can get is March 17 which is a dissappointment to me really, I can't go on treating the clinic as some sort of cut off point, I need to do it now.
As for AA, I am going on Saturday, where I live there are only a couple of meetings I can get to without transport. I lost my driving licence because...you guessed it, drunk driving.

Nuudawn

Hello Stone,
I was startled to read of your recent difficulties but I am soooooo glad you are heading off to AA. It is so apparent that you need some support and love my friend - face to face interaction, smiles, laughter, human relating (not just cyber support). For all you are going through, there is just no sense in going it alone. There are too many similar souls in this universe who need you as much as you need them. My life is brand new...brand spanking new since I reached out to the universe and allowed myself to be supported.

stone

Thanks Nuudawn, I wanted to get to the clinic first and, like most people I just don't want to go to AA lol.
I am going on saturday for sure though, glad to hear you are still doing great too

Nuudawn

I'm so glad you're going. Just remember...we drunks (without some work) are a judgmental and critical and resistant lot. When you go...please keep your eyes, ears and heart open. I know I have had some bad first impressions when I got to a new group...but I stick around thinking...I'm not going to like this lot...they look (funny, pathetic, poor, snotty..whatever!) but am often surprised by the wonderful wisdom that will come out of the most unlikely soul.

paulmh

Hi bud

you're right of course, none of us wanted to go to AA. Maybe I shouldn't speak for anyone else - I didn't want to go to AA. I didn't want to go, I didn't believe it could work, I didn't like its philosophy, I didn't like the people who went. I first went when I was about 26, for one meeting. Thought they were wankers. I then went when I was about 33, again for one meeting and they didn't seem to have changed any. I finally went again when I was 39. They were still the same, but I had drank myself into what is referred to as a "state of reasonableness". I had no options left. I reached the point where I knew - knew - that I couldn't stop drinking and that it was going to kill me. Unpleasantly.

No matter how much I might say to myself that I wish I had carried on going to AA when I was in my twenties or my early thirties, truth is I had to drink as much as I had to drink, to get to the point where any change was better than continuing the same. Where I was prepared to go to any lengths to get sober. Now, life is incomparable.

Hope you find what you need, wherever you can.

Tazman53

Stonerat you are making it tougher on yourself then it really needs to be, one of the best ways of staying sober is what is called service work in AA, part of that is giving rides to anyone who wants to go to a meeting.

Give the local folks at AA a call and tell them you need a ride to a meeting.

Trust me when I say an awfult lot of folks start off getting rides to AA meetings because they have lost thier license, think about it, you will be able to return the favor in the future to someone else who needs a ride to a meeting when you have your license back.

AA is all about alcoholics helping alcoholics in everything, you will not be inconviencing anyone, you will be helping someone else stay sober by letting them help you stay sober! This is one of the big reasons AA works so well, I stay sober by helping other either stay sober or get sober.

There is a saying in AA about sobriety, "You have to give it away in order to keep it."

stone

I will remember that, thanks again Nuudawn.
I like your sig btw, I am listening to 'The Power of Now' audiobook atm which helps spiritually. It is also good for listening to in bed as his voice puts me to sleep lol

Thanks Paul, your post gave me a good smile even though I still take your points very seriously, I hope I have reached my state of reasonableness. I am quite a cynical an independent minded person and don't like groups of people but I have promised myself I will give AA a proper go.

Thanks Taz, I didn't realise that was possible actually. If I feel I need to do that before Saturday I will do it.

paulmh

Curiously enough I just bought a copy of the PoN. I started reading it a little over the weekend. He could be an alcoholic in recovery the way he writes!