Csmcjewl

Well, Good morning to the world.
I made it through Neil and Scott coming over. The discussion of drinking did come up and stupid me was like...well, tell ya what, we won't drink tonight but we'll drink tomarrow..before Dave gets home so that he won't know and get mad. But that's only if I skip class. I'm such a dork sometimes. But...I think I'm gonna go to class tonight. I'm on such a good thing here...I haven't missed a single day all week, although i could really use the break! I'm just afraid I"m gonna come home tonight and get this Agggh! I have to work again tomarrow morning! Feeling. I've got Friday night though and all day Saturday till 5 to sit around. Sigh...we'll see. I might take tonight off, just to join my thoughts so I don't go crazy. It's like if I skip, I can go to a meeting, which is really appealing to me. But I shouldn't skip, by any means. Well, today is day 6...I made it to this last week and then I drank...I should force myself to go to school just to avoid me drinking. I don't want to fail again. If I just stay at school and go to class, I won't be home till 9:30 and Dave is home at 11. I can finally watch the movies I've renewed 3 times at work. I really want to watch them and I get them for half price so...I figure, why not. Ok....I'm doing ok right now. I just need to stay at school today. See, I've got Senior Research at 4, I'm probrably gonna go tell the registar finally that I don't want to graduate in May today. Then that goes from 4-5, it's only got my "talk about myself constantly" "friend" Laura and this Levi guy, who seems really cool. Abit of a pervert though, typical overachiver that is in honers classes, dong senior research...blahblah. But...yeah, one day out of the blue he asked Laura and I if we watch porn and masterbate. We were both like..uhhh....that's a little wierd to be asking. But, anyway....I'm feeling good right now. I need to keep in my brain that I need to stay at school and go to class. I've got a guy there that likes me anyway..hehe. At least I think he does, he always goes out of his way to touch me somehow everyday. Even though he know's I've got a fiance and he's apparently got a g/f and a kid...? I don't know. I don't pursue it or anything though. So, I'm gonna go...I'm feeling really good right now, still wish I could hit a meeting and I guess it all depends on how long I have to sit there between 5-7 alone..it's really boring but my class doesn't start till 7. We'll see....it all depends on then if I'm sitting there and go...screw it, I don't want to be here and come home. We'll see...I'll try to keep my butt at school. I'll remind myself that I need an A- in that class. Ok...I will see the world later! I'm doing ok..I think I can make it to one week, I've never done that before. I will be just a damn little ray of sunshine if I do...hehe. And I get to go to a meeting...should be good. I will talk to you later.
Stacey

EvrWideninHeart

When Dave kinda gave me the cold shoulder about drinking yesterday he walks out of the room and Neil is like, "I don't know how you can take critisism like that. He's so critical, so what if you want to have a couple of beers, at least you're setting a really low limit for yourself, what's the problem?" How do I react to something like that?

My experience was that my friends who drank as much or more than me did not want me to get sober. And then when I got another DUI, they came up to me and said, "oh gee, I guess you do have a problem."

And as far as just having a couple, I never in my life wanted just a couple.

But you've made it 6 days! That is awesome. And Dave is hanging in there with you. He sounds pretty well-adjusted. Amazing! You're pretty lucky. Keep it up!

Csmcjewl

Hello,
I am here, skipping class, just like I told myself I wouldn't do. See, here's what happened....I went to Senior Research and no one showed up except my teacher at first. Here I am cursing every single other person a part of that group because here I was..alone in a lab talking to my teacher! But...it's not so bad, he know's I got arrested, he knows the whole story..except that I'm trying to quit. I just keep playing the...I gotta go to AA, I gotta to go counseling, isn't that a drag line. It's easier than admitting my true feelings to anyone. I'm not good at that. Well, I was sitting there...people finally showed up but the guy who was supposed to get the bikes didn't do his job so..that was it. We were done in like 20 minutes. So there I was...at school...btw: Laura never even showed up...so I had no one to talk to..I hung around and talked to the overachievers for abit but..that's always boring. They just want to talk over you and tell you about their zillion accomplishments, like you're not already jealous enough. I was done at like 4:30, class didn't start till 7. There was no way I could entertain myself for that long when I wanted to come home so bad. So...I got into Dave's car and drove home. I immediatly picked up the phone and called Neil. Him, Mike and Scott already had plans of going to the community center and playing racketball...I told him..well, I'm here alone wanting to drink with no one to drink with. He makes plans with me to come over after racketball. (Not inviting me, although I would've loved to play.) I tell him to invite the others and maybe we can go down to the bar like 3 blocks from here. I'm sitting here after I hang up the phone wanting to drink...but with no one to drink with. I can't go buy the alcohol with my restricted license, that's too risky. So, I sit here and watch White Oleander, very good movie. Put me into kinda a depressive funk about my life. Somewhere during the movie the want to drink died, but by the end..thinking reflectively about my life, it comes back. Now, I'm here....waiting for them to show up and it's almost 9pm. Neil told me they'd be here by 8:30. The want to drink is dying but not gone because it's replaced with the depressed, I just want to drown my sorrows of being an alcoholic in a beer, or a blue motorcyle. I'm sitting here debating what I want my once every 5 days drink to be tonight. I think...beer...too lite, can't get drunk though cause I gotta pick up Dave. Long Beach? My favorite...but i"m in the mood for something a little stronger, something that I'll only need one of and I'll be good. A Blue Motorcycle. I know that I shouldn't be planning on drinking at all but...that craving is so strong, I don't know what to do. I was gonna go to a meeting tonight but...well, honestly I was int he middle of the movie and didn't want to stop it. I'll go tomarrow. I'm such a hypocrite. I don't want to drink, I mean...I do..but I want to prove to myself that I can put my foot down, but I don't want to put my foot down. I'm sitting here trying to will myself drunk without drinking anything. I'm saying everything out loud as I type like it's not really me writing it. Right now The object of my affection is playing on the tv..I'm not really watching it though, really messed up movie from what I've caught. It's almost too late to drink...I can't have Dave know that I've been drinking. The alcoholic in me wants to just tell him I'm gonna drink if I want to..you can't stop me. The real me somewhere inside is saying, "That's a good way to lose him." So...I guess I'll just sit here and wait for them....I don't know what to do. I'm at such a loss with no one to talk to that really knows. It seems as though Dave has kinda put himself on one side of fence and won't bend. He's as bad as them. (His friends on their way over) I don't know....I'm just gonna sit here and stare at the wall, listen to some music and hope I can figure myself out before they get here.

Iolo

Cmscjelw:

As you're into music, here's a lyric from a progressive rock band called IQ. It's the conclusion of their 1983 album _Tales From The Lush Attic_, which I believe is a concept ablum about drug & alochol addiction.

"The Enemy Smacks"

Helplessly held by the weeds, we are grown
I tried talking sense to you
Leave it alone
I give into the weight of the kick
So weary of waiting and hoping for this
The two of us alone
No-one else to see
I promise not to miss you
and no more jealousy

Careful my gender, it comes, how it goes
Love me tender so nobody knows
Nobody knows the trouble I seen
Each time they asked
I said something obscene
The splinters shower down
I shelter from the rain
Against the grain, against the moon
I waxes and I wanes

No ecstacy sent for taking a line
Right through the tokehead
They rip, run and shine
I awake and the feeling won't drop
Each time they slam down
I swear I will stop
The two of us alone
No-one else to see
The damage brings us closer to murder
Can't you see?

Here in my rocking-horse house
I keep the curtains drawn
Inside my little head
I hear them screaming out my name

Here in my rocking-horse room
I keep my eyes shut tight
Inside my peeping holes
I know that if they're empty I can sleep

Don't you believe her
Deliver a shiver to me
Is this what you wanted?
I'm haunted
My eyes grown cold
I still got second sight
I still can see at night

Here comes the enemy
The beast in me
Alive a little more
On my hard shoulder
The warning goes deeper than before
I still got second sight
I still can see at night

Csmcjewl

Well.....Sigh..I drank. Only 1 drink so...I don't know. I'm kinda mixed about it, I'm not totally dissapointed in myself but I'm not exactly proud either. I really wanted to reach day 7 damnit. Now it's day 1...Again! I'm sick of Day 1! and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5...but that's as far as I've ever made it so I don't know what it's like to make it any farther! Sigh..Dave and I got into another fight last night...about me drinking. I came home all glad that I only had one till he made me see, all I did is move the senery (we were at the bar), put in contraints so I knew I couldn't get drunk (I only took $10 and I was driving) and then used that against the driving force to drink to keep myself sober. And admittidly I did have my money out to buy another drink when I realized we had to leave, I still wanted one though. When Dave said, ya know...no matter where I was at if I had the money and the time I wouldv'e been trashed. Sadly enough, it's totally true. I would've been. So, as proud of myself as I was for only drinking one...once Dave pointed it out I realized, I didn't really only drink one...physically yes, but mentally...I was doomed. So....yeah, this fight was worse, I tell him I'm trying he tells me I'm not trying hard enough. I can't try any harder! I promised him last night that inbetween meetings I wouldn't invite his friends over. Beacuse I told him one of the major reasons I end up drinking is because I have such a busy week with like 4 12 hr days in a row that I can't make it to a meeting and I can't go that long inbetween and keep a good mindset, it just doesn't work. I never make it. He told me I was using that as an excuse. Sigh...I told him..yeah, kinda but it's true..I can't get any better if I don't feel like I'm at all happy with my life. It makes it really difficult. So..I don't know...I'm just going to think about everything today since it's finally Friday and I get to go to a meeting tonight. Little too late but at least I'm going I guess. I'm here waiting for the matchbox 20 tickets to go online. I'm supposed to be driving to work right now..hehe...I'm evil. The store will open late so I can get concert tickets..hehe. I don't care about that job anyways....no big deal, no one would probrably ever even know although I'm going to call my manager when I get there and claim car trouble (Something I know she'll believe!) I'll be bringing home Abandon and 8 Mile to watch tonight if Jon brings me the new movies. Pretty cool. I've been waiting to see them both. 20 more minutes....I'm just sitting here telling myself that if my credit card doesn't go through I'm going to scream...I don't know why it wouldn't but..ya get that paniced feeling anyways ya know? Well, I'm gonna get outta here...I'm kinda in bad spirits today...kinda pissed off at the world for handing me this although I always tell myself God doesn't give us anything we can't handle...but I sure am struggling. I got suicidal again last night. I get that whenever Dave is just yelling and pushing at me to be better. I get so hopeless because I can't just snap my fingers and be better, he doesn't understand the undying compulsion to pick up a drink. He just doesn't get it. He screams at me sometimes "All you have to do is NOT drink!! How hard is that???" He doesn't get it. If I don't have any time to myself to even think and get my mind straight about how to feel about it, the evil alcoholic in me creeps up and soon is convincing myself that I can drink, I'm in control. I will repeat this cycle forever if I never get that time to myself to think. Dave tells me I should be able to do it even though I'm really busy. I told him no, all that does is keep me busy while my head is going crazy..I need time to focus on what I enjoy so I can feel happier, do something to de-stress at the end of a long day instead of counting down the hours till I go back. I don't know...any advice here is greatly appreciated. BTW: I really like the song lyrics! i'm going to try to find that song...So...yeah, I"m at a loss here...i don't know if I can change being as busy as I am. I just don't have time, I need those meetings to keep me in the right frame of mind. What are others throughts on this? Do you think Dave's right and I should be able to just change myself without going to as many meetings as I would like? Or do you think it really takes that time to step back from your life to get your head straight? ...I'm going crazy here....
Stacey

CASEINPOINT

Interesting posts - all of them a cry for help. Believe it or not, you have all the problems of the average college student, with the disease of alcoholism thrown in. I found it interesting your description of the problems at school, b/f, etc. Except that mine where with girlfriends and not b/f, you pretty much discribe my college life, except fortunately I dispised alcohol while in college, I did not start with alcohol until my mid thirties. I can only image what you are going through, all the problems of college with all the anxiety that alcoholism causes thrown in. Plus you are stuck in the typical "party" drinking scene college provides. My advice having been there, done that - stop stressing so much over the typical problems of college, alot of your inablilty to cope, as you well know is your alcoholism. Keeping yourself down to one drink in an evening - contrary to your thoughts, this is a great accomplishment. Any alcoholic that can limit their drinking, through any means, ie "only took $10, designated driver" should continue taking these steps. It actually shows that you do in fact have some control over your problem, I sure you have read that alot of alcoholics cannot control their problem through any means.

Also - GET YOUR SH#T TOGETHER. By this I mean get on top of your problems instead of your problems being a lead weight. YOU ARE YOUNG. If your b/f is not supportive, perhaps get a new boyfriend. How many bf/gf's does the average college student go through?? I believe I went through at least 50 gf's in my college days. All your other problems, as I said typical, you are no different than 90% of the other college kids out there.(The other 10% being those damn overachievers) As to the alcoholism, as every one has told you, it is a day to day struggle, just as it was a day to day slide into alcoholism. Keep trying, if you do have to drink, do everything you can to force yourself to limit - every alcoholic has been there, the day 1's 2's etc again and again. The only other thing I can suggest is read my post dated 2/24. You have to realize that the craving your body gets are for more than alcohol, if you address the other craving's, the cravings for alcohol will be much less, and you will feel so much better it will make getting off alcohol that much easier.

vinnietoo

You definitely do have some great posts. Thank you!
Remember, we do not shoot our wounded! Keep coming
back and sharing it helps me. Always know that there are those who have been way down and know the way back up. If you are serious and want back up, go to meetings..get a sponsor..read the big book and don't drink. "it's simple, but not easy".

Blessings,
Vinnie

Peter

Hi Stacy.

I want to endorse what Vinnie suggested about meetings,sponsorship,reading the Big Book and NOT DRINKING.

If you are really an alcoholic there is no such thing as limiting yourself to just one or two.

Also bear in mind that if you have to work at "controlling" your drinking then it means you have already lost control.

Peter.

Csmcjewl

Hey, Thanks Peter and Everyone.....

"Also bear in mind that if you have to work at "controlling" your drinking then it means you have already lost control."

You know, it seems like the stupid little compleatly obvious things in my life like this are the very one's I try to argue against. I try to imagine my life normal again and when I can go to the bar, only take enough money for a couple drinks and make myself the driver. I think I'm actually controlling the drinking but all I'm doing is manipulating the environment. I didn't realize that until Dave screamed it at me while we were fighting the other night. I just sat there, stunned because I knew he was right. This is why I struggle with the first step of AA though, I admit to having lost control but the only way my life is unmanageable is in my own head, does that count? I mean, ....I don't know. I see how the battle going on in my head causes my life to be unmanagable, is that what they mean? I always took it in the more literal sence like when i got arrested. I've never lost a job or failed a class due to drinking, but keeping up with life certainly has been a trial some mornings with hangovers, I just never stop though. I go to work and vomit, I remember working at Speedway and pulling the trash can up next to the register and just sitting on the stool with my head in it when there weren't any customers. Yeah, real under control. I remind myself of moments like that and the one instance I did get drunk before a test and went to drive there and actually turned around and came back because I was too drunk to drive there. Athough it's only happened once, it happened. I don't displace it and pretend it didn't. I mean, yeah...I haven't lost a job but hey, truthfully, if I wasn't working crap jobs just to get through college, I know I would've. Last night Dave and I turned down an invitation to go to Neil's brothers house, despite the fact that he has a plasma screen tv with an x-box. Dave and I were both drooling, but there was just going to be lots of drinking going on so we stayed here and watched White Oleander. I know I already saw it but it was damn good and I wanted Dave to see it. We both come from pretty messed up homes so we both appreciate it. My dad used to hit me when I was younger. I've never really gotten into my family on here....Well, to summerize (if I can) My dad...oh boy. I don't like him much honestly. I know that makes me horrible and all but, he used to hit me whenever he had a bad day...Granted I was a smart mouth little brat but...I did eventually rebel...oddly not to alcohol, I didn't really start drinking till just before I moved out. My dad cares about no one but himself, here are some lifetime quotes I will carry with me to the grave, " I don't really like kids, but your mother wanted them so here we are." Said to me when I was 8-9. "Yes, I do care about money more than my family, if you don't have money, you don't have a family." Said to me when I was about 12. "If it wasn't for your mother, you would've been kicked out of here a long time ago." When I was about 14. "I don't like you." "I hate you" "I never wanted you, we should've stopped with your brother." The list goes on and on and on. This topped with the fact that my father checks me out like I'm some hot date of his is absolutly disgusting. I'm the only girl and I'm the youngest. I've got a brother in prison, (Long story.) My mom is very reserved and quiet, but she is the nicest person I know. I know she loves me but I have to wonder how she let my dad hit me while we were growing up and never did anything. My dad tends to be not only physically abusing but mentally also, and he does this to this day. And you may be going...but I thought you were the little angel of the family!? Well, that's just the picture he paints now for the world now that I'm actually doing smething with it. Don't let it fool you though, he is totally jealous of me and takes every opportunity he gets to insult Dave. This is why I don't tell my parents I have a problem. 1. They don't really care about me. 2. It would disrupt their perfect little picture they've made in their minds of me. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I visit them and all but, I hold my childhood in reserve when I think back to how happy I really was. I mean, there had to be a reason when I was 17 I turned into a goth chick and hated the world right? Still, I never drank really....It was when I was with my ex. and I started going out to the bar with my friend. We would get trashed on the way there and I loved the feeling because I could forget about my life, I didn't have to live in it...I could just party and be happy and not have to think about anything. I could go on for hours and days with stories about my father that would make your toes curl. Here's a good example of crazy behavior...My parents don't eat at home. They eat every breakfast at McDonald's and every supper too, every lunch is either at a buffet or Fazolli's. My dad says he doesn't eat at home because that's for poor people, it's a status symbol to be able to afford to go out to eat every meal. Is that messed up or what? My dad builds and sells houses for a living, they are currently selling the one they live in...that's the house that the money for my wedding comes out of. I'm grasping to my dad coming through with that, he never comes through with anything and I wish I didn't have to rely on him ever again. My dad is totally narsassistic and always talks about himself and how great he is, see, this spreads to me because he wants to act like me going to college and doing good was because of him and he takes all the credit for me about to graduate like...This is my daughter, she's so great. I feel like half my family (cousins n' such) hate me because of my dad always praising me up like I'm all stuck up or something. But, I got word over Christmas that they were all laughing at me because I got arrested behind my back like..haha, I bet she doesn't think she's so hot now. I told everyone to go to hell and haven't spoke to anyone but my parents since. I'm just going on and on aren't I? hehe...I didn't intend on writing about my family but...it had to be said sometimes, I have great gashing wounds left over from living at my house. I have story after story after story. I mean, the only redeeming fact was...it wasn't all bad. Every once in awhile my parents would do some really great thing for me, we'd go on lots of camping trips..stuff like that. Just enough that I couldn't completly hate my parents but I could hate my life most of the time I was with them but I couldn't say they were bad persay. I just let all this slide off me. I went to college originally because my mom would argue and fight with my dad when I was like 13 and swear she was going to get a divorce, I remember begging her too. She never did though because she said she couldn't afford to take care of my brother and I. Right then I swore I would make enough in my life to be able to support myself and whatever kids or whatever if I was put into that position. I would never be dependant upon anyone. And here I am....totally dependant upon Dave for nearly everything because I work at a crappy video store and make 50 cents and hour..hehe. Well, I'm really hoping that changes soon because it's part of what makes me depressed. I've worked so hard and here I am...about to get my car repossesed because I can't afford the payments. And then I get pulled over for drunk driving, making everything 10 times worse. Well, that's where I'm at...It's day 2 again. I'm ready to try again. I'm really sick of this position...I'm sick of the cycle and I know I feel good right now but in like 3 days...will I be the same? I doubt it, I"m gonna want a drink. I promised Dave that I would not invite anyone over if I felt I needed to go to a meeting though, I'm really hoping that works. I'm at the end of my rope, I'm willing to try anything right now. Well, things are good right now, I work till 12 tonight and then at 10am tomarrow so that sux but....then tomarrow night is the serenity meeting so, I'm really looking forward to that. Well, I'm gonna go get a bowl of cereal and watch Abandon. I'll let everyone know how it is, it's not out till tuesday! Pretty cool...the one and only perk of working at the video store. Ok, I'm off...thank you all for the support, I'm feeling good but down right now. it's going to be another depressed sober streak. I was too happy last time, I think this might work out better with no one around. I will see everyone later...don't know if I'll get a chance to write before tomarrow but, I'll try to get on here tonight. ...Thank you again for all the undying support, I'll do it one of these times, I swear!

Csmcjewl

Hey World,
Today is going well. I just got home from work. Long night last night and long day today but...at least I'm home now. Dave is taking a shower and then we're going for a walk. The Red Wings game starts at 6:30 and the meeting starts at 8pm. I'm all mapped out for the entier evening. I woke up today and thought about everyone up at crazy days getting all wasted and felt good that I woke up not feeling sick with them. I'm glad I was here and not there. Granted, don't let me fool you into thinking that I'm all happy now just because it's been warm outside and it's helped raise my mood, I know there is still a struggle. For tonight though, I think I'm ok. Neil and them may be calling me tonight, I'm not sure but...we'll see how it goes. I seem to be ok though, if I need some immediate support, I won't hesitate to log on here!
Stacey

Peter

If it is probably not a smart thing to do,then why do it?Why put ourselves in the line of temptation when we know the cunning baffling and powerful nature of alcohol.

The suggestion to avoid people,places and things associated with our drinking is said for an important reason and has evolved from people who had bitter experiences with breaking this suggestion.

Recovery does not mean we give up our friends forever or that we live a life of hermits and prudes but people who are sick need to follow a prescribed course of action in order to ensure the best chances of survival.

I was one of those who thought I could hang out with my drinking friends early in recovery and only drink soda water......I did not last two nights.The sight of all my friends chugging beer and laughing was too much for my little "one week sober" head to take.....plus I did not like the feeling of being "left out".

If anyone feels they can hang out with their drinking friends with only a couple of weeks clean........(and not drink) cool.I only know that this alcoholic found out the hard way why it was suggested to me to avoid...."people,places and things...."

Peter.

Csmcjewl

Hey,
I totally agree. I didn't see that in the beginning, well, I knew it but I was still stubborn to think I had enough willpower to not drink. And Peter....if I can ever make it to a week, it'll be an accomplishment! But...it's warmer now...at least for this week, I just got back from rollerblading for the fist time this year. 7 miles, I feel good...I'm skipping class to rollerblade but hey, I wasn't doing anything important anyway. So...here I am. This is really nice just chilling here. I've got all the windows open, the front door open to the front porch (it's screened in) and all the neighbor kids are riding bikes outside the house. Not that I don't still want to live in the country more but...Anyways, back to drinking related...I am trying out Dave's theory of drinking. I'm still having a rough time with it. But, I've got more stuff to do to take my mind off it when it's warm outside and I'm not cooped up in here all the time. I'm thinking of going to a meeting at 7 tonight, not sure yet though cause I'd have to go alone, Neil's busy. I think I probrably should go though, I've only got 2 more to do for the courts, then I can go on my own...I think psychologically that'll make me feel better to go on my own cause that's the first vital step to AA I think, and being forced to do it kinda defeates that. Anyway, so far I think I'm doing ok. I'm finally taking care of the claime on my car tomarrow morning, a big cause of why I drink so much...that's the one big problem I like to avoid. Anyways, yeah....it's really noisy here. I didn't really get a taste of summer life here cause it was oct. when we moved in. I'm not quite sure what to write today. Last night my parents came over, brought my grandpa, put in the required family time although they showed up unannounced, which pisses me off. Dave and I went to the meeting. The topic was Rationality. Very interesting, everyone talked about how they rashionalized themselves into thinking it was ok to drink. Everything they said was me all the way. Everything. Well, I'm gonna get going I guess.....get some supper or something, decide which meeting I'm going to and go....I think I will go, not to the beginner one though, they'll make me talk. I made a pact with myself that when I could do 30 days, I'll talk and I'll tell that the reason I didn't talk sooner was because I couldn't do it and I felt like a hypocryte going, which I do. I've been sober 4 days, but I know it's never going to get better than that if I don't keep going. So, here I go..hehe, I hope the weather stays nice, I really like this!
Stacey

Csmcjewl

I know that I cannot be around people who drink. I am not capable of it right now if I wish to stay sober, which I do. I ended up going to the meeting tonight. I also went and applied for a loss prevention job, not that I'll get it...I'm so frusterated with the job market right now I don't even want to think about it. Anyway, I actually went to my first meeting alone tonight. Boy was I nervous! I went and got a cappacino beforehand just to have something to sip on when I was nervous. Well, turns out it was a 12 step book meeting where they took turns reading. I was freaking out! I"m like, I can't even speak here let alone read a book in a little too hot room of like 25 people! Well, when it came around to me I convenionly didn't have a book and declined the offer of others and just passed. hehe. I'm not comfortable with being forced into speaking. I felt my face flush just passing, I need to work up to things like that. Well, the reading stopped after like a half hour then it was open speaking about the 12th step. Loud Hair lady was there that I don't really like. She's so...I don't know...overexaggerated with everything she does. It's just annoying, she makes big gestures, her voice is loud, her laugh is loud and saying prayer at the end, guess who's voice rang above all? Not to mention she's got this short blond really curly just big hair. Not that I have a real reason to hate her but, she's such an opposite of me it makes me feel uncomfortable to even be in the same room with her. Anyway, so ..here's the funny thing. This guy sitting next to me looks familar and ends up being this guy that worked at the video store when I was in Midland for like 2 days before we fired him. By we I mean when Me and my manager were the only people working there and we needed a 3rd person because we were both doing 7 day weeks. Well, this guy starts working there and just for one example, sits there in his chair and when my manager is trying to show him how to do stuff he just sits there not looking like he's listening at all and when she asked him about it he's like..Go on" and goes back to fidgeting like he hates being there. Granted, he lasted 1 actual day of work and we fired him. So here he is sitting at this AA meeting next to me. I almost started laughing because back then he was all ..."I'm perfect, I'm a genius, I have an I.Q. of 143, I'm way too smart for this job..." (you can obviously see why he was fired). Well, here he is like 7 months later sitting next to me in AA. Boy, you should've seen him practically run for the door at the end of the meeting! I didn't even get a chance to ask him what he did, he signed my sheet though! Anyway, so after the meeting the kids from the 1016 house (drug rehab house actually only about 4 blocks from me) started talking to me and I ended up standing outside with them for a half hour talking. It was really cool. There's this girl that's getting out Thursday that wants me to come pick her up and hang out cause she gets out at 6am but her dad's not picking her up till 3pm. Well, just so happens I've got that day off and have to be at school at 4 so...I'm actually free. I told her I'd swing by about 10am when I got up. So...yeah, pretty cool. I'm not sure if I really want to, I mean...get outta bed to go keep some girl company that lives in cheboygen that's leaving and I"ll never even see again? Why should I? I know it would be good for me though, I told them I've only been sober 4 days. I felt kinda naked admitting that because I met them like 2 weeks ago for the first time at that rainbow room little table meeting so they know I drank between that and now, I kinda felt like a traitor. Anyways, right now Neil is on his way over here. Right after I invited him though he was like...Ok, I"ll be right over after I finish my green beer. I just kinda got this sudden panic feeling that I was gonna want to drink green beer too, what if he brings it over? What if I try to get some? agggh! But, I'm hoping based upon the fact that the house is non-drinking territory that he won't bring it over. I'm so scared though cause i told him I'd never had green beer. I'm so scared he's gonna bring some over and put some food coloring in it and go...see? Want some? I'm really hoping not. I'd like to think Neil is more considerate than that. I've got to leave to pick up Dave soon though so, I'd better go. Just wanted to write about my night. Got alot done, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Rollerblading felt just wonderful, my legs still hurt! Anyway...I think I hear Neil's car so I'm gonna run just in case...I'll write tomarrow!
Stacey

EvrWideninHeart

Stacey,

If you're serious about not wanting to drink you might take the suggestions of the people here. It seems that most everyone has mentioned something about how hanging out with your drinking buddy Neil will continually jeopardize your fragile start at sobriety.

People are really trying to help you, but you're ignoring them. how come?

Csmcjewl

Hey,
Ya know....why do I hang out with Neil? Well, it's kinda rough. Between work and school the only person that doesn't have a job yet and actually wants to visit me is Neil. My actual friends, well...they kinda dissapeared through time, that's why I hang out with Neil, he's actually Dave's friend. He's always home, always willing to hang out and when he's not drinking, it's actually really cool. I realize I need to push him away for awhile, but when the only thing I do is go to work and school...it's nice to have some company every now and again...even if it comprimises my sobriety. Neil has his own problems and ever since I slowed down with my drinking, Neil hasn't really talked to me like he used to. I've come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything about that but...I'd like to still be there for him as a friend. That's why it's so hard, even though it'd be better for me, I tend to be more self sacrificing than I probrably should. I'd like to belive that I can still maintain a sober friendship with Neil in my "safe zone" (my house) and quit drinking. Today Dave and I didn't quite get everything finished with my car claim but we did get the old police report, which is a start. I managed to get that plastic peice away from the tire, all I need is a little duct tape and it'll be good as new! I did get to take out some frusterations with a hammer on it though..hehe, that was fun. Had a quiz in class tonight, my teacher is totally crazy. He teaches us about trade winds and mideastern flows and crap and then gives us a quiz on it like 2 minutes later like we memorized it and know it aleady. It's annoying. And in my other class, we're running subjects for our experiement on Thursday and we don't even have our tape ready yet. We're doing subliminal messages with 9-11 and measuring emotional response using a GSR, it's like a lie detector machine. Pretty cool if we can manage to pull it off, I gotta meet them at 12pm Thurs to start running subjects at 1. I'm in charge of the informed consent. Funfun. This is where my stress comes from. We drove all over Saginaw today looking for any footage on 911 on video, absolutly nothing. And then sure enough, there's a tape in Midland. They tried to get me to skip class and go pick it up but I said no way, enough skipping classes for me. On top of it I found out that when I skipped my one class yesterday my grade would've been raised by 1/3rd if I wouldn't have skipped. That pissed me off. I'm gonna see if I can get it excused. So...sigh, I looked at the clock tonight at 8pm and thought about the AA meeting starting somewhere without me while I learned about trade winds from a japanese instructor. Anyways, I'm in the middle of watching 8 mile right now so, I'm gonna go finish that...gotta return it tomarrow. So, that's why I'm friends with Neil. He's the only person I hang out with besides Dave, ya gotta have someone right? I mean, there's Laura but she goes to the bar like 4 nights a week and still proclaimes that I don't have a problem. And anyways, I don't really like her, remember? So...That's that....I'm on day 5...I'm doing ok, even if I'm a little depressed. Things could be a hell of alot worse. We're supposed to be going to see this band I used to see all the time when I drank alot. I haven't seen them in ages. I don't know if I'll actually end up going but...we'll see. Only if I can trust myself to not drink. Anyway, I'm gonna go....I'm not ignoring everyone, I have put Neil at a great distance, but...he's too good of a friend to be that selfish and push him totally away. As long as he's not drinking around me, I'm ok with that. I'm pretty down lately, dealing with the whole car thing....I'm trying to not be and just get into school and not let that stress me out too much. We'll see.....I'm gone all day tomarrow at school and work so...I'll write tomarrow night. I'll no doubt be depressed till then, but at least I'm not drinking....
Stacey

EvrWideninHeart

That was a pretty honest answer... you're actually probably doing better than you think. Being honest and trying to not drink. You said at least you're not drinking which is a big deal. It's the start and it's a miracle. imho

Beth

RJwantstolive

Hi Stacy

I can relate to college, or in my case a private school for photography. I had to repeat a second year because I drank the first year away.

I had my first drink at 16. When I hit past 19 is when the blackouts and problems started. I also deal with other things in my life such as manic depression, bi-polar and OCT and there were many times I was on really hard hitting medication and drinking hard. I wish there were things I could do to repair damages I had done. I believe someone the higher power was guiding me because I'm lucky to even be alive, I should logically be dead with the stuff I was on and drinking along with them. My attitude was terrifying, total opposite of who I really am, nice, polite, caring, etc. Total Dr Jekyll and Mr hyde scenario. I have dealt with the law, I have hurt people's feelings, a few probably thought I was psychotic.

I was at a bar in early 1997. I met a person who asked about my father, forgot how the issue came up though. This person was telling me stuff like he was somewhat directly in touch with my dad in some way. I backed him against a wall holding him by the neck and demanded he come by my apartment so my Mom could identify this guy. The van ride back to my apartment I was screaming at this guy and grabbed him by his neck a few times. Getting into my apartment I introduce him to My Mom, asked her if she knew him and she said no. I started telling her about how this guy seemed to know much about the Dad I never even knew myself. I was still screaming right in this guys face. He was rather calm, unusually calm which confuses me to this day. Then he said in a calm voice "You have a troubled mind" I then told him and my late uncle to get the <> out. Next few days I recall the events and it makes me think, This man that I unnecessarily shaked up was right, I do have a troubled mind. No charges were ever pressed upon me but up to this day it still eats away at me because I'm not this type of person who would do this.

New years of 1996 I broke into someone's apartment, I was blacked out. At some point I feel cold, there is no blanket, and I am halfway awake. Not too long after, my eyes focus on a Bob Marley poster and I suddenly see four head coming over me. One guy says "Do you know where you are?" I said no. He said you do know that you broke into here and the door was laying right on a washing machine in a hallway. He said that I was going to pay for the door, which I did, I had money with me and his last statement was that I was very lucky to be in company with civil people and that nothing else happened. One of this guys friends made a joke and said "Well, happy new years everyone"

I had even assaulted someone back in 1999 but luckily wasn't charged and served probation for a limited time. Out of all of these things and PC (protective custody) I do not have a record at all on file, they were dismissed!! I am damn lucky for this and to be alive.

Everyone has their own experiences and need to deal with the damages that have all ready been done, it is hard. Sometimes I cannot live with myself remembering the past and this will be a constant struggle for me to cope with things.

Dec 18th, 2002 was the last time I was drunk, wow three months all ready, time sure does fly. The thing with me is that drinking is not a temptation, and there are times when I could have one or two and leave it alone. It is when it gets out of control that is another story. In the past I could go for a few months off and on, here and there but the same or worse results came out from "the next times" During these three months I feel like I do have a piece of mind, with the exception of the things I have done in the past that still hurts me. I do know that the crappiest day while being sober is a hell of a lot better than dealing with the drunk and further consequences that follow the morning after. I am an alcoholic. I think I would be in trouble if I wasn't one and of not admitting to it. Self denial is one area that can do more harm than any good.

I read your posts and it really got to me. Taking it one day at a time is all we can do. We come to a point when after a certain time we think we are invincible, or rationalize, and get fooled into believing that the next time will be all right or not as bad as the last.. One guy noted in an AA meeting once "A drink as small as thimble-size is too much and a twelve pack is not enough" I thought about that hard and to me it makes sense. It can be the very first drink that is touched that can be the most lethal since it can lead to too much.

There is hope out there and I wish the best for you and everyone here who are battling these problems day by day. Another comment at the local AA to is "Enable to be truly sober, you need to hang out with alcoholics" :-) There is truth in this.

RJ

RJwantstolive

Nadoboy,

No matter how long one has been an alcoholic, it still equals alcoholic. Being alcoholic, or termed, is not a bad thing. many are even confident of this fact and proud of it. What I meant by the above stated by hanging with alcoholics is that many of them will understand thoroughly what your on about and are the people who are more supportive of newcomers to AA, or outside of it, no bull about it, only the truth.

Recovering alcoholics are victim no matter how long they have been sober, success is a daily accomplishment and isn't something that is a definite even with 20 years sobriety. It all comes down to living up to what comes your way one day at a time and wanting to get support for the problem.

RJ

Captain Morgan

Junkhead


Yeeaahhh...
Yeeeeaaannn...yeah

A good night,
The best in a long time
a new friend turned me on to on to an old favorite
Nothing better than a dealer who's high
Be hgih convince them to buyuyyyyyyyeahyeeaaaah.........

What's my drug of choice
Well what have you got
I don't go broke
and I do it a lot

Seems so sick to the hypocrite norm
running their boring drills
but we are an elite race of our own
the stoners. junkies, and freaks
Are you happy,(are you happy?) I am man
content, and fully aware
money, status, nothing to me
'cause your life's empty and bear....yeeeeaa...ahhhh

What's my drug of choice
well what have you got
I don't go broke
and I do it a lot

yeeeeeeaaaahhhh
Ohhyeaaahhhh
Yeaaahhhhh


You can't understand a user's mind
but try with your books and degrees
if you let yourself go and open your mind
I bet you'd be doin' like me...and it ain't so baad,,,,

What's my drug of choice
well what have you got
well I don't go broo...oke
and I do it a lot

I do it a lot ot
I do it a lot

Csmcjewl

Hey,
Haven't written in a couple of days...been crazy busy. A few things have happened. Well, first off, I ran the exp. at school for like 8 hours yesterday, and all of it was a big waste for one reason or another, it was really frusterating. But, to make it short everything we gathered had to be thrown out. So, I was pretty frusterated last night. And then I went to class and got test review for next Tuesday. Whew...I need a break. And it's cold and rainy outside again. But, I haven't drank...it's day 8. I'm running an official record right now. It feels pretty good, I have to admit. Saying goodbye to alcohol is like saying g'bye to my best friend though. I was thinking about it today...I thought of like if I can ever get to like day 20, I was filled with this saddness like there was something missing from my life. Wierd eh? Well, Neil came over last night. He was really wierd. He told me that after tonight's meeting, he's not going to any more with me. I didn't quite know how to react to that. I thought he liked going...I don't know. I know he doesn't even like to go but he's been telling me he really enjoys it and all of a sudden, he doesn't want to ever go to another one? Well, that kinda bummed me out. But then it made me angry cause I was like..well, why even bother going with me tonight if you hate it so much? Ya know? Don't even bother pretending to like it cause tonight's the last meeting he'll ever attend. So, I sat and stewed on that all day today at work. And afterwards we're supposed to be going to the bar to see this 80's band that I thought Michelle would really enjoy. Well, now I'm just like...why put myself in a rough situation when I don't need to? Why should I go through all this crap for my b/f's ex. g/f and a guy that doesn't really care if I stop drinking or not when I thought he was trying to help me. Well, on top of that I get a phone message today when I walk through the door form the guy that was with me the night I got arrested. I haven't heard from him hardly at all since the accident, I mean...we weren't the closest of friends but..yeah, isn't that odd? The night of my last AA meeting he all of a sudden calls me. So I'm kinda stuck like, do I call him and invite him to the bar basically making myself go? Or do I just avoid the world and sit here all night and watch my movies. I'm feeling pretty angry at Neil, but I know it's not really justified. Is this just a girl move? I mean, he didn't have to go...he volunteered to go with me but somehow when he said that last night it was like he's got conditional support that only goes as far as my court order will reach. When it's actually me that wants to keep going he's having no part of it. Is this a girl thing? I know I've got pms coming up but geez...hehe. I don't know, I don't quite feel justified in being mad at him but on the other hand, I feel like cheated. On the other note...the other day when Neil came over I was telling him how Dave talks about nothing but no drinking all the time and how it gets really annoying. Well, I happened to mention that it almost feels to me like he's trying to get Scott to "choose sides" because he talks about how sick of drinking he is to Scott all the time. Well, I meant it as a general statement and I even mentioned to Dave that Scott probrably doesn't want to hear about it all the time because he likes to drink sometimes. Well, on his own Scott had said that he didn't plan on drinking much when he moves back here because he doesn't want to end up like me or Neil. Well, I guess all this info basically pissed neil off the other day and that's why he left so suddenly on St. patricks day. Then he goes and tells Dave to not give his opinion of him to other people behind his back. Dave gave him a Whatever and that's it. But now there's like this riff between them and I feel like it's all because of me. Just because I was trying to feel better about being stuck in the middle of the two of them always hearing something different behind the other's back. Here I am trying to stop drinking and all I hear from Dave is annoyance about drinking and all I hear from Scott and Neil is...chill, you shouldn't let Dave push you around, do whatever you want to do. It's like both of them are imposing what they belive on me without listening or letting me make up my own mind. When I finally just start being honest and letting both of them know how the other one feels, it's like all I did was take the pressure of being in the middle off me and placed it onto Neil and Dave. Now Dave says that if Neil wants to be like that he just won't be friends with him. Problem is, they've been friends since elementary school! I feel terrible because I feel like just because I want to slow down/stop my drinking it's causing problems in their friendship. I know I can't do anything to make Dave ease up on Neil because he's concerned and trying to do the good friend thing by not giving in to accepting him drinking. But Neil needs to take a look at his own life and he's got to wonder, maybe he does drink too much. But the two of them are too damn stubborn to see anything. And I'm right in the middle. I don't want to "take sides" with Dave just because I'm not drinking but nor do I want to "give in" to Neil and just drink because that will cause Dave and I to break up. So, this is what's been going on. I hate all the drama, I'm not a melodramatic person, I really like my life to be nice and mellow. I don't really get upset easily and this is really bothering me because I'm half mad at Neil but I can't imagine his and Dave's friendship being over just because I want to stop drinking. Any advice? For now I'm just leaving the computer online, if Neil shows up before I leave for the meeting in an hour, he does...if not...aww well. That's how I'm leaving it for now. ....I don't know what else to do.
Stacey