Csmcjewl

Hey,
Thanks t2003, I do plan on talking to people at counseling once I get there. Last night was just an ugly night. Dave basically told me he's going to shut up and stay out of my life that pertains to drinking. I told him I didn't want him to do that but sometimes when he gets on my case it drives me nuts, ya know? I know that in the shape I'm in right now though, I'm gonna be drinking this Saturday when Dave works all night. I know that if something doesn't change in my head I will be drinking. That's not what I need. I know I can't but I'm at the breaking point and I'm just going to say..screw it all, I"m just drinking...it's easier. But, I know that's not going to help me either. Today went ok...I'm back to borrowing Dave's car. Sigh...Tonight is going to be make up night, not with sex either. Just make up and talk...I'm sooo tired. I'm not sure what time I went to sleep last night but I'm really freakin' tired today and I haven't had any cappacino. I got out of speaking at my presentation Tuesday by bribery with my partner. hehe...I'm really really really nervous about presentations. I just really suck with them. I've been known to actually drop classes that presentations are in. I just can't take them...my face turns all red and it just drives me nuts. There's nothing I can do to stop it, all I can do is avoid the situation. But, anyways...I don't know. I really scared myself last night. I was actually honestly suicidal. I was planning it, I was mapping out how I'd do it, what day (april 16th) and everything. I just didn't want to live anymore with the thought of losing Dave, I just couldn't take it. My brain was telling me..you can just move out, it'll be ok. But everything else was saying...no, it won't. I can't take this depression anymore. I don't laugh anymore, I never smile really....only occasionally to be poliet. I just...I can't live like this. I'm either going to die or drink again ya know? But, I've gotta go pick up Dave so...I gotta go even though I'm not really done writing. I'm really tired though. Another long day tomarrow...work till 6 and then class till 9ish. Sigh...Well, I don't want to log off...I grasp to this place lately. I just need it like air. It's the only thing giving me hope right now. There are people out there who care, I just need to keep telling myself that. Ok, I'd better go before he kicks my butt. I wish I could hit a meeting tomarrow. 2 more days....I'll just keep telling myself that. I'll talk to ya later people's.....
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Ok...
This is going to be abit personal but...aww well. I couldn't get to any websites so I always check the history to make sure Dave didn't clear everything. Well, a couple of months ago when Dave formatted his computer he put everything on his computer on cd's.. Well, not that I was looking for it..I really wasn't but he was watching porn today. Dave, who's hand supposedly hurts too much to even touch the computer can look at it long enough to get off even though we haven't had sex in like a week n' a half. Damnit. And there was stuff he hadn't told me about it and wonderwonder..the disk is nowhere to be found, so not only did he download more that he hadn't told me about (We had agreed a long time ago to keep a "group access" folder for that) but he hides the disks. Damn him. I'm just annoyed, like I'm not sexually frusterated. And when I know he's done that and I'm angry at him he's the last thing I want to touch...damnit, but that doesn't mean I don't want to get laid! aggghhh. hehe..told you it was going to be personal. Well, wouldn't that just **** ya off? I know, back to alcohol related. Well, it is in a way...I practically sleptwalked through today because I stayed up too late last night talking to Dave and have been dragging my feet all day. I just got home from being gone for like 13 hours. It would be nice to just chill and not have to be annoyed. I'll ask him about it but....I"m just gonna blow this one off. I don't even care. But, it just made me a hopeless case ya know? I feel like I'm destined to drink Saturday. I don't have control at all at this point. I picked up my paycheck and scheduled $20 out of it to buy booze on Saturday with. I need to get control but I just can't right now. The littlest things like Dave watching porn just kinda set off any willpower I had going ya know? I immediatly got this....well, if he can hide things from me, why can't I drink and just not tell him? I don't know. I'm pretty pissed off right now at him for hiding the disks from me and downloading more that he hadn't told me about. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to recover on my own but I know I can't go home. Dave is wonderful most of the time and all, he's great for me but just sometimes. Damnit, I just want to strangle him and go..."Stop being such a guy!!! You **** me off!" Anyways, another day of running subjects tomarrow. On the good side, I talked to my partner for the project and she's gonna do all the talking and I'm gonna do all the work. hehe...I struck a deal so I don't have to give a presentation. I just have to work for hours and do the computer bit this weekend so...that's ok. I can handle that. But...Ok...I"m gonna just go chill for abit. I'm sooo tired. I should just crawl into bed. Dave and I looked at cars for me to buy yesterday. The plan is...we're going to file my claim tomarrow...whatever happens. If they total out my car and pay for what I owe on it..which is less than the damages, well...great. Then I take my taxes and save for awhile (we figured I could wait at latest till August) and buy a car with the $1000 or whatever I've got. If they don't give me my claims, I keep paying on my car, park it and use my taxes to get a car. And, if by chance they give me the money to fix my car...I'm paying for my class so I can graduate in August and paying the rest off on my car and still using my taxes to get a car. I've been looking at a Buick Lesabre, Saturn __2 something or uhh, I can't remember what the other one was. No caveliers, no escorts. Oh, a truck..hehe. But yeah, no car just like everyone else, that's why I have my delsol. Nobody has one and I love it. I'm really sad to see things going the way they are. I worked so hard to get my car and all because of my drinking, I have to give it up and go through all this crap, be graduating college with a $1000 POS because my insurance is going to be crazy. Any ideas with an impaired driving? I know State Farm (who I have now) will drop me. Anything alcohol related, which is why I haven't claimed my accident yet. They haven't noticed and I haven't said anything, it's been nice. But now that I can't drive my car no matter what. Even if they don't drop me I'm gonna drop my insurance. I can't drive it with the huge spiderweb in the windsheild..I can only imagine what the convertible top is gonna do in the wind. It's still at my work, I'm driving it home Friday after work cause I don't have school. Well, this has turned really long so, I'm gonna go...any tips are greatly appreciated. I can only wait for the Friday meeting and wonder in the back of my mind if Billy will be there or if Aaron will talk all the way through the meeting. We'll see, either way...I really need it if I'm not going to drink because right now I'm on the verge of saying screw it and just drinking. Nothing is going good this week. I got a 71% on my meteorology test. Ok considering the class average was 68. I won't complain I guess...and we have extra credit to do for Tuesday so...as I said, I'm going to be busy this weekend. Well, I'll write later or if not, tomarrow....later....
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Hey,
Just came back from a meeting. Ya know, I don't know if anyone has been watching the weather in Michigan but it sux!!! I finally got to drive my car home today. What a trip...it took me like 2 hours to get home. I've seen 4 cars in the ditch today and now on top of everything my windsheild wipers just quit working. But not only did they quit but they quit in the upright position. I turn them off, they go up. I give up on that car. Following plan A there, going to take the insurance off it and and get a junker. All on account of me drinking, sometimes..ya know, I never stop amazing myself. The changes in my life still happening on account of that one Sept. night. Tonight I'm supposed to be drinking. By the time I got home in my car I was just so upset I called Neil and was like...let's drink. Tonight. Something tall, hard and very alcoholic. Sigh, he's supposed to be here in 10 minutes. I feel bad for even calling him out in this weather, it's horrible! And it's been like this for like 2 days and it's going to get worse! I'm so glad I have tomarrow off. My car is now home and in the garage, which makes me alot happier. I felt so bad at the meeting. No Billy again, but I guess a whole week isn't past and I don't really blame him for not going out in the weather, all of us that did are plain stupid. I'm not driving again tonight, anywhere. Anyways, I feel bad cause I sat up by Aaron, it was ok but he introduced me to this Jill girl that's new to the 1016 house and for some reason she started laughing and I started laughing, then Aaron started laughing and you know how that goes. I felt sooo bad I just couldn't stop. And see, I'd put waaaay too much sugar in my coffee so I'm pretty damn wired right now. So, yeah, I was just all giddy and the speaker was like, Ya know...I used to think it was funny when I first stopped drinking too. I felt so horrible! How disrespectful and childish can I be? Anyways, we got ahold of ourselves eventually by stuffing our faces in our coffee. I don't know what came over me, I haven't had a laughing fit like that since like jr. high! Anyways, So...after that we paid attention. I feel like everyone there was really looking down on us like children though. I really don't want to be looked at like that. I do take the program serioiusly. Why do you think I would limp my gimpy car there just to go? I felt like I was going to drink if I didn't go. And now I only kinda feel like I'm going to drink. I'm just so....I don't know. I need to relax....bad. And I don't know how. It's been a damn long week and I need a relaxer. Maybe Neil shouldn't be coming over. I don't know....Maybe I should've just stayed here alone. I mean, there's only an hour n' a half till Dave gets home. I've gone 22 days, why stop now ya know? I could get a 30 day coin next week. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I'm in control of what I do at this point, I'm going to drink. It's like...yeah, admit I'm powerless, but then what? I am powerless, I'm going to drink at this point and I don't quite know how to gain control to convince myself otherwise because that's what I've been doing for 22 days. I'm so frusterated coming up with different reasons not to, I just want to give in for a night. Just one, ya know? Well...we'll see....I'll keep an eye on here if anyone has any suggestions. I'd love to hear them, I could certainly use the help right now.
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Hey,
Yeah, it's 1:15am. Neil and Scott just left. Dave is in the other bedroom. He hasn't really spoke to me since he got home. I'm kinda pissed about the assumptions he's making of me. Here's what happened....Neil and Scott got here, we went down to Oscars. I got a beer. 1 beer. Well, each of us got one, and I payed the tab cause I had $10.00 with me. Well, then it was desided that each of them would pick up a beer. Well, I drank much slower than them because for me...while I was there it was more about just savoring the taste and enjoying myself and relaxing more than about getting drunk. They seemed to be drinking for the buzz. I wasn't. I was drinking to relax and enjoy myself, which was great. I was perfectly happy with 1 drink even though I rightfully paid for 3. Neil ended up buying me a PuckerFucker but....that's a light shot if I ever saw one. So, yeah...and I specifically picked a light shot just to use up a little more of my money. So, that was it. They both had 3 drinks and I had 1 and a shot. They were both at least double as drunk as me. I wasn't really at all, I had a buzz, that's it. And I was happy with that, which made me really happy about myself. Now, i come home and Dave is pissed off assuming that I'm just going to defend my right to drink, blahblah. Well, ya know what? The key for me is to control it, which yeah...I've been proven to not be able to do in the past, but I did it tonight just fine and I was happy with that. So, maybe I'm not quite the raving alcoholic I was...maybe I can learn to control it. What do you think? I don't know, part of me says yes, part of me says no. I really enjoyed the meeting tonight....I'm going again tomarrow night. i told Neil and Scott to not come over till afterwards. Well, I'd better get off here...I'm sure this isn't the last I've heard of Dave. We never actually end the night with me sleeping on the couch, that's where I'm at now. I just walked out and said, " I can tell you're upset, I'm just going to let it go and go sleep on the couch." He just said he's staying out of it. Well, fine. Whatever..ya know? What can I do? I can only do things for me. If I want to try and control it, why can't I? And when I do manage to do just that without even a craving for more, shouldn't I be proud? I don't know.....
Stacey

whiskysquicker

The only practical advice I can give anyone who is unsure whether or not they are a real alcoholic is first find a sponsor who has had a barn burning spirtiual experience.How will you know? Ask them? Please don't be shy this could life and death!Second ask them to take you through the book.Read the doctors opinion in the front part of the book you can and need to find the truth about yourself if you are truly an alcoholic we can help,but you have to identify the problem before you can apply the solution.Ask yourself honestly this.When I put alcohol in my body do I develop a craving for more and more and find it virtually impossible to control the amount I drink once I start,and when I want to stay stopped can I do that on my own for good?Not do you think you can,not how you feel about it,but what is your experience physically when you drink,what happens,normal drinkers don't experience this physical phenomenon,EVER When you have no reason to drink and every reason not to,do you drink anyway?Again not what you think about why you drink, that it relaxes you or helps you deal with your feelingsThat doesn't matter "peole drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol" ALL PEOPLE. You don't want to ba an alcoholic,but if you are we can help.But you must find someone in the program who works the steps out of the book,there's only one program so be careful,cuz some peopl no matter how good their intentions will will blow smoke up you know where and tell you to just not drink and it'll get better,BS.If you are a real alcoholic you have a chronic ,proggressive and fatal illness and you will get sicker.Alcoholism is a three fold disease physical.mental spiritual,find some one who knows what that means and knows how to apply them in their own life,one more thing never let anyone read your big book for you.

Best of Luck in Your Quest

Csmcjewl

Hey,
What's up all? Well, I had a long chat with Dave this morning about drinking last night. Yes, I slept out here on the couch. I woke up at 9am to my dismay and couldn't get back to sleep. Talk about one pissed off girl! hehe. My only day all week to sleep in and I can't...so, anyways...I talked to Dave. I told him, yes, I'm not saying that I'm not still an alcoholic. I'm just saying that maybe I can have just 1 drink every now and again, ya know? I handled it better than I thought I would have last night. And don't worry, I'm not being stupid here and going...I'm in control, I did it once, I must be ok..because I know I'm not. Not by any means, but....maybe, just maybe there is a chance that I could have a drink every now and again. And here I am saying in my head...wow, this sounds like a mini-series with a moral. "Then the girl learns through other means of happiness and that she doesn't need alcohol and gives it up forever and never remembers that she was going to drink every once in awhile in the first place". Give me a break. Anyways, My hands are going gimpy again, I keep skipping words and spelling everything wrong. I already typed 12 pages today for the presentation and I still have to do the **********. Ug. I don't even want to start it. It's going to be so much work. Dave leaves in like 4.5 hours, and then I go to the meeting. I'm gonna get there early so I can be sure to get a "cool" table. Anyways, I'm outta here...I don't know where I'm at in the whole alcoholic world, all I know is I'm ok right now.
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Well, it's the middle of the night so this will be breif. I do have to get up and go to work in like 5 hours. I drank again tonight. Dave was working...I knew I would. I went to the meeting, just like I should and everything just kinda got messed up cause I sat with the rehab kids, Aaron and them. They are just a bunch of people who don't really want to be there. Somehow I got lumped with them, how did that happen? I really need to be there! And here I am sitting with these people who didn't even really talk tonight. Not at all....we just sat around and Bs'd all night and ended the meeting 20 minutes early so everyone could go smoke. Sigh...shouldn't have sat there. But, so the meeting did me no good..and then neil and Scott came over. We ended up over at Mike and Michelle's house. Michelle being Dave's ex who Neil was dating for awhile. Apparently Bosman, Michelle's ex. is who she's kinda uhh..boning right now, he's before Neil. But he was there too, it was pretty wierd. We were all connected in this twisted web. Anyways, so I told them to bring me home so i could sleep and they went back over there. Dave is home in 31/2 hours. I gotta get some sleep though. I'm not proud of myself at all, total relapse. What's wrong with me? Well, I'm not giving up. I will just hop back on the bandwagon and start again. It's ok. I can always start over. At least I'm not too drunk to write this....Sigh...I am dissapointed in myself though, I'm not going to get too caught up in it, I'm just going to focus on why I need to learn from this so it doesn't happen again. I'm so sad though, ....I don't know. I would be going on 24 days tomarrow...and now I'm back to jack. Sigh...yes, I am dissapointed in myself. I will go to the meeting tomarrow and absorb everything I can because the rehab kids don't go there. Talk to everyone tomarrow....
Stacey

The Jay Walker

Quote

__________________________________________________

It's ok. I can always start over.

__________________________________________________ _
Are you sure you can always do it again?

unfortunately, relapse does happen to some of us, But I want to let you know that you don't have to keep doing this over and over,

when you are ready to surrender your way of life and get and stay sober. you can stop the relapsing and get sober.

I hope I'm not comming across sounding hard core, but Alcoholism is very serious, I have seen people come and go, some don't surrender, and later say that A.A. doesn't work

A.A. does work, and will be ready for you when you want it.

Csmcjewl

Hi,
Actually, ya know....yer totally right. I know that I need to totally surrender to AA, I'm just having a hard time doing it right now because I dont even get enough time to go as much as I feel like I need to in order to get it through my head as much as I need. I'll use tonight as an example...I really wanted to go to the Sunday Night meeting, it's my favorite all week and after the last few I've had I really felt like I could use it. Well, where was I? I was at school in the computer lab working on my presentation with my partner for 4 hours! I just got home now and I have to be in bed in 2 hours...sigh. This is why I end up drinking. My life keeps me so busy I just dont have time for me, and I need it, ya know? That's why I was drinking in the first place was just to relieve a little stress and relax. Well, I have to say after drinking the past 2 days, I do feel more relaxed but, my dissapointment is far greater. I do plan on skipping class tomarrow night and going to a meeting. I need it. I really need it before another week picks up too much. I can only hold on until I get out of school for the summer and have more chance to go whenever I want to. I do start counseling this Friday though, I'm kinda nervous about that...we'll see how it works out. Well, I also havn't ate in like 10 hours and there is a plate of food in front of me so I'm gonna go eat! I might write more tonight but, I did write soo much at school that my hands are pretty damn tired. I wish I could write all night but unfortunatly, I don't have time to! I will give myself to AA, I like it....or I wouldn't have been pissed that I missed the meeting tonight. I know I need it and it pisses me off when my life gets in the way of me taking care of my well being ya know? Sigh, so...I'm certainly not starting out the week too great. I'm definitly going to a meeting tomarrow. I need it, and I know I keep saying that but...right now I can think of no where I'd rather be. Ok....I will talk tomarrow...wish me luck...I need it.
Stacey

SobrietyFirst

__________________________________________________ __

I admit to having lost control but the only way my life is unmanageable is in my own head, does that count?
__________________________________________________ __

I've been folowing your threads as well as the responses, and wanted to offer something here about this question, and another question you posted.

First, regarding your question here...it most definitely counts...at least that is true of my experience. This disease is without question cunning, baffling and powerful.

It incorporates an alergic reaction to alcohol that normal people do not have that stimulates cravings in the mind and body.

It aflicts the mind of every alcoholic, as once the disease kicks in, the mind looses the ability to diferentiate the true from the false.

Over time, the disease gets progressively worse in its impact on the alcoholic, never better, which only means that unaided by a power greater than ourselves, it is a hopeless condition.

The unmanageability you have asked about here is linked very definitely to the mind, as it is through the mind that we think and perceive, leading to what can only be described as insane actions.
__________________________________________________ __

I mean, ....I don't know. I see how the battle going on in my head causes my life to be unmanagable, is that what they mean?
__________________________________________________ __

Not knowing is a great place to be here, truly. Seeing the battle rage in your head, feeling these ups and downs you have desribed in detail throughout your posts, is not at all unusual in the early days of sobriety.

I know in my own experience in my first 30 days in particular that my mind went in a hundred different directions, often simultaneously. That generated alot of turbulence and quite a few sleepless nights. Acting on any of those thoughts would have been disasterous, left to my own devices.

Know that you are not alone here, as every alcoholic has experienced in various ways what you experience today. It is my sincere hope that you will continue to do the simple things, and simply allow your mind to rage away.

My sponsor made it very clear to me early on that my mind and emotions would play tricks on me, that they should be ignored as much as possible. He told me that a sick mind cannot fix itself, as my experience made abundantly. He pointed out that once the spiritual malady is addressed, then we straighten out mentally and physically. and he stressed that I did not have to like any of it, that I only had to do it.

I encourgae you to pray day and night the most simple prayer. Simply say "Help" when you get up, and then "Thank You" when you go to bed. You might be surprised at the result.

Keeping going, little lady. You are doing the right things. In the same way that the disease is progressive, so, too, is the solution and recovery progressive.

Blessings

SobrietyFirst

__________________________________________________ __

To term yourself an alcoholic, and not have any distinction for those who have truly conquered their affliction is to deny hope to the newcomer.
__________________________________________________ __

I appreciate very much your concerns expressed in this and other threads. I remember very well where I came from, and to be quite honest, do not ever wish to forget.

I have learned that alcoholism is, unaided by a spiritual power greater than myself, is a progressively terminal condition. That the solution is spiritually based, and must be spiritually based, has been a tough nut to swallow.

I have spent a lifetime placing people, places, and things ahead of that spiritual power, and have spent an equally extensive amount of time standing in the place of that spiritual power.

I have learned since coming to AA and working the steps, THE program of recovery, that placing my dependence upon people ahead of dependence on God is a dangerous thing to do. In the end, people, being every bit as falible as I am, will fail me. The resentments that result, plus the fears, will ultimately lead me to a drink and back into the jaws of death once again.

Recently, a man with 24 years of sobriety, whom I respected very much, who is well respected in the circle of which I am a part, relapsed. To all outward appearances, his sobriety was solid. He knows the disease and the solution very well. Yet once his relapse occured, it really shook me up, and generated a resentment that nearly toppled my little world of recovery. I was truly ready to dump AA all together.

It didn't take very long for words to come to me through others, plus working steps four and five, that placing reliance upon people, no matter who they are, ahead of what I choose to call God, was the real trouble here.

What it has reminded me of is that only God knows with perfect clarity what I require to both remain sober and to grow in my relationship and reliance upon him. God was not at fault, I was not at fault, and neither was this other man. He drank because he is an alcoholic. He is sick, every bit as much as I am.

It reminded me further that this disease is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful. It neither discriminates amongst races, social strata, education level, intelligence quotient, or anything else...INCLUDING LENGTH OF SOBRIETY OR THE SEEMING SOLIDITY OF SOBRIETY ONE MIGHT APPEAR TO HAVE.

God has taught me much through this man's life about the disease, as well as the solution. It is valuable experience that perhaps one day will save another man's life, as it has done for me.

I do not want to forget, and though I do not associate with everyone directly, God teaches me through them every bit as much as he does through my sponsor and those with whom I do associate.

Blessings

rubio

I agree with the last post.
I have been an alcolholic for 45 years and spent 30 years or so in and out of AA.
Alcoholism is a very complicated disease and there is no easy answers.
I chose the tough path and had to keep going back out to prove that everything I had been warned about at meetings would come true.
For an alcoholic there is no cure! just as for a diabetic there is no cure!
Also you can't be a little bit alcoholic any more than you can be a little bit pregnant.
I struggled for years with the spiritual aspect but now realise as explained in appendix 2 of THE BIG BOOK that a spiritual awakening is not a sudden vision or flash of light, but the gradual alteration of attitudes and actions that comes with honestly trying
to work the 12 step programme one day at a time.
I have often found myself feeling good after a few months offf the bottle shooting away to try some great new venture.
Major lifestyle changes are dangerous without at least one years sobriety behind you.
As Gert Behanna said an alcoholic as per Jeckyl and Hyde is like
Siamese twins; one of whom must die that the other may live.
May your God go with you all!

Csmcjewl

Hey,
I ended up skipping that second class and going to a meeting. I was really glad I did too...it was great. Probrably one of the best meetings I've been to and it really helped, I'll be thinking about it for awhile. Just when I think that Aaron is just going to ruin all meetings for me he goes off about how the religious aspect of AA bothers him and all this. Well, then people start replying to him and it was just great, I really assosited with everything. I can't even remember everything that was said but...it was really good for me, I'm glad I went. Well, tomarrow is the speech. I can't wait to get that over with. I'm just hoping it all goes smoothly. I have to put it on disk yet and get it to load at school. Wish me luck! But..uhh, that's about it....work this morning, school this afternoon where I got a D on that test I took the day my hood flew up. I might actually retake that class next fall, I don't know. So, anyways....yeah, I guess that's it. I'm very on edge right now. I feel like drinking and I feel like being sober. I guess it's just kinda up in the air because I'm pretty nervous about the presentation, I'm very at risk of drinking because of that, I'm gonna try not to though. I almost feel like I need a good night of drinking before I start counseling. Ya know? I keep thinking like, well...I've only got 2 days going now...counseling starts this Friday, why not drink before that starts and I'll go sober on Friday? I know that's not the way to go but...I can't say the thought doesn't cross my mind. I think actually this summer I'll be able to compleatly devote myself to AA. I just can't right now until I get finals out of the way and all that. It's just frusterating. 2 more weeks and then finals and I'm out! I need the break desperatly!!! Anyways, that's about it for tonight. Looks like I'm going to be buying my old car back from my mom that I sold her so I could get my beloved Delsol, isn't that funny? It's an odd thing really....I had 30 days to sell that car before my loan expired and I couldn't sell it so my mom bought it just so I could get my loan...and here I am buying it back from her. Sigh...I guess, it's a GeoMetro LSI, little pink convertible. It's cute...it's just..I don't really feel like cute. But it is a convertible and it is a 2 seater, just like my delsol. I guess...sigh, still depressed about my car though. I'll write tomarrow, I'm writing about crap tonight. I'm just waiting to get that presentation over with. Wish me luck!
Stacey

Csmcjewl

Hey,
I know, I've been soo busy. On the good side, presentation is done. My partner rambled for 25 minutes, 10 minutes over the recommended limit. Don't have the grade yet but I'm sure I'm doing ok...Anyways, I'm at school in the computer lab. I'm just....I don't know. I don't quite know what I am because I'm just here. I was just trekking up to school today thinking, wow...I'm not even thinking..I'm just doing ya know? I don't even live my life, I don't choose anything I do because it's already laid out for me. I get a choice of what to do like once a week. And I know I could say, well...I choose to go to school, I don't have to be here but realistically, I'm not going to go 13 weeks and just quit, No matter what I may Want to do. Anyways, I don't know....so here I am. I haven't drank since Saturday, I'm not sure what day that even makes it. I'm still grasping to that Monday meeting. I'm waiting for the Friday one but I also start Counseling so...I'm kinda nervous about how that's gonna go. Last night on my way home I admittedly did walk in the door and call Neil to go to the bar but he wasn't home. Well, then after I sat down and relaxed for abit I calmed down and was like...I don't need to go. Well, then I picked up Dave and we rented a movie (I know I work at a video store but my manager is a fan of Full Screen and I'm a fan of Widescreen, so I rent if I really want to see something) and we got pizza. Well, I was pretty psyched about being able to actually spend some time with Dave. Well, then Neil and Scott walk through the door two seconds later and I was just pissed. I was like, so what if I called you, I didn't invite you over! I don't know....I was just kinda...ug, there went our day ya know? So, I haven't actually spent time with Dave alone for any extended period over 30 minutes since like uhh...Friday i think? It really sux. Tonight I have to study cause I have a test tomarrow. Sigh...And it's my day off but we're meeting here at 12pm to work on the manuscript for Psych. We finished running subjects and now we're up to the paper, the poster presentation is next week. Sigh, I don't know....I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining but...I mean, I'm just getting burned out I think. All I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep until I feel like getting up. And when I get up, I want to play video games, I want to read a book for more than just "between customers"...etc. You get the idea right? I just have NO time. Sigh, I don't know....I'm just going to try to make it through today. I'm so scared I'm gonna drink tomarrow. I'm not doing well spiritually at all. I'm so busy I can't be, I"m just in this automatic pilot mode which inludes drinking when this God awful week ends. If I don't, I'll be surprized, I want to get rip roaring wasted and go hungover to my first counseling meeting. I know it'll make me deprssed but I can't help wanting to do it. My self destruct button is turned on for the moment and I don't know how to turn it off. We'll see...any advice would be appreiated because I'm at a loss on how to turn the self destruct off.
Stacey

marilyn s

Hi Stacey,

After all of these pages and pages written here, and all of the good solid advice and wisdom from these good people, I can't help but wonder if you've read any of the responses they've written to you.
Just wondering.

Csmcjewl

Hey,
As for a reply to the post, which is the reason I haven't written in 3 days. I don't go back and re-read stuff because I'm afraid that I will read one of my own posts when I wasn't doing so well and will screw up my thinking. Does that make sence? My willpower is only paper thin at best and I'm trying to make it stronger, if I go back and re-read one of my posts that say..screw it, I might as well drink I could very well just convince myself of that or at least severely change my outlook by the end of the posting. So, I try to not look back and only forward. Now, as for what's been going on. Well, I was on self destruct. I know that, I drank Thursday because the Red Wings were on and I invited Neil and Scott to the bar. Stupid by me, I know. Well, we went and I drank. Well, then yesterday I started counseling..and then I went to a meeting. Well, it's time to start over again. It's time, no more self destruct. I need to not just give up on myself. I've been pretty down the last week or so, with the presentation, tests and finals coming, I just can't wait to get it all over with. But, I actually have today off...the whole day, all to myself. That's damn exciting. I bought Harrry Potter last night and I was almost relapsed but I managed to only get pissed off. Dave and I haven't had a night together alone all week long because his friends keep showing up. Well, last night Dave actually took the night off work and went to the meeting with me, we went wandering around Saginaw and bought some stuff, basically just spending time together. We get home and I put in Harry Potter, get all comfy on the couch to watch it and knock, knock, knock...oh, guess who could it be? Yeah, I was pretty damn pissed off, no phone call or anything. And then Dave comes and asks if it it's ok if they visit even though we both didn't want them there and I reluctantly said..only if they want to watch Harry Potter. So, they come in and we start the movie and they start talking through it and making fun of it. I couldn't have been more pissed off at this point. Well, yeah, I could..when Dave's friend Andrew asks if we have any snacks and goes and helps himself to the snacks Dave had bought for us while we watched movies. Wouldn't that just **** you off? I was annoyed, but Dave and I stayed up till 4am after they left and watched about half of Harry Potter, I was still annoyed but it was ok. Today Neil and Scott are coming over in 2 1/2 hours to watch the Red Wings game, which is kinda annoying but I invited them Thursday at the bar so....Sigh. I'm really trying and I'm almost just getting annoyed at drinking and Dave's friends. They pressured me to go to the bar Thursday even though it was the 3rd period. Even though they went into 3 OT, still..I didn't want to go. So, I've come to the conclusion, Neil and Scott aren't ever going to be able to hang out with me not drinking. I thought they could, they didn't seem to care much either way and would only give me a hard time from time to time but...I can't have them pressuring me to go to the bar when I'm already so susseptable with the Playoff's on. Last year we went to a different bar for every playoff game, that's why it's really hard for me to watch the games and not be at a bar this year. I'll manage though, somehow. Counseling was ok, it's me and 7 guys...Can't go wrong there right? hehe, no..it's ok. I'm the humor in the group. I think the counselor thinks I'm taking anything seriously but I'm just dealing with my uncomfortableness with humor. I got the letter back from State Farm saying they will cover my accident, which is great...that's like $2,300. So..we'll see...it's going to be a big pain though cause they're not letting me just pay off my car, they actually want me to get it fixed. Ok, well...I've rambled enough, I'll be going to another meeting tonight. BTW: Billy hasn't been back since that day...someone fell off the bandwagon and has no intention of getting back on! So....anyways, I hope that covers why I dno't usually go back and re-read stuff. I figure where I was then is where I was then, I know I go through cycles but I'm hoping it's getting a little better each time and I'm gonna be able to do it one of these times. I hope so....I'm on the sober train right now, it's day 2 again...sigh, aww well.
Stacey

marilyn s

Stacey,
I asked if you read the posts other people write, not if you re-read what you've written. I think the addict in us doesn't want to hear the good advice sometimes because that might get in the way of our drinking. I struggle with this all the time. I have relapse problems too, and I'm having to open my ears and mind and listen to what sober alcoholics keep telling me, that I need to start working the steps if I want to get sober. I have faith in us, I think we'll get there, I just hate to see you suffer longer than you have to, and that goes for me and everyone else.

whiskysquicker

Girlfriend I got two questions for you.Do you want to stop drinking for good and for all,forever,and are you willing to go to any length to do so?
If you cannot answer yes to these questions then your chances for recovery are slim,because you'll just find another excuse for drinking,Oh look the sun is shining,better have a drink!I'm telling you it sounds like you may have alcoholism,it is chronic it is proggressive and it is fatal.I drank when I got fired when I got promoted ,when SHE left,when she came back,hell one time a just drank cuz it was Wednesday,that's all the reason I needed at the end.I would suggest that you get a Big Book and start on the first page not page one.The first page in the book.Pay special attention to the Doctors Opinion. It gives information on the physical symptoms and help in determining if you are physically alcoholic,a good place to start.I would love to be able to help you,if I can,but you must decide.There are plenty of people willing to help,our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depend on it

Peace

whiskysquicker

Wo Dude,I thought I was ascerbic Bam you hit the old self-pity nail right on the head OW!
"Wine is fine But whiskeys Quicjer
Suicide is slow with liqour"

marilyn s

Wow guys, don't be so mean. The AA philosophy is to help the alcoholic whether or not they're drinking, the only requirement is the desire to stop. I agree that it sounds like Stacey is struggling with whether or not she really wants to stop. She's young and hasn't gone through most of the 'yets' and misery in store for her. I could see through all of these days and pages of posts that she wasn't reading the replies she was getting.
Stacey, girfriend, you are too hung up on focusing on your daily BS of your boyfriend, friends, school. Your concern about the alcohol is secondary. Alcohol will eventually f*** up all of that. If you can find it within yourself to seriously confront the alcoholic in you first, then you have a chance of living a productive happy life. Continue drinking, and I guarantee that these years of school, friendships...they'll all go down the tubes. This is a real mother f***** to fight, the longer you do it the harder it is to change your behaviour. Please don't let the comments that came from frustration and impatience turn you away. ****, if the actively drinking alcoholics were turned away from the meetings, they would be very small lonely meetings. I understand where Nadoboy and whiskysquicker's coming from. I often feel a rage when I see so many offering insight and advice that comes from their own depth of pain, and then what they have to say is ignored. Go to the meetings, and don't sit with the friends there who really only seem to be making it a half assed social occasion. Open up those ears and listen. Who gives a rats ass if somebody is coming onto someone else, or some other BS like that.