Am I an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 17
One passage from the AA Big Book that first helped me to accept that maybe AA had something for me is called "They Stopped in Time" on page 316:
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance.
Why do men and women like these join AA?
They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, (this was me. if I wasn't a "real" alcoholic, I could at least admit I was a potential alcoholic.) even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. ...complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to AA. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
"We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us."
Hang in there! Try to get to meetings. Go to your counseling even if you feel weird and like you're exposing yourself and being dramatic. You're not. All your feelings are valid. And it's normal to think about drinking all the time. Of course you will. But you just don't have to pick up that first drink. It WILL get better. It might suck for a while, and sometimes we just can't escape the pain, but the pain will not last forever and you will get better.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance.
Why do men and women like these join AA?
They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, (this was me. if I wasn't a "real" alcoholic, I could at least admit I was a potential alcoholic.) even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. ...complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to AA. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
"We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us."
Hang in there! Try to get to meetings. Go to your counseling even if you feel weird and like you're exposing yourself and being dramatic. You're not. All your feelings are valid. And it's normal to think about drinking all the time. Of course you will. But you just don't have to pick up that first drink. It WILL get better. It might suck for a while, and sometimes we just can't escape the pain, but the pain will not last forever and you will get better.
Last edited by EvrWideninHeart; 03-07-2003 at 09:45 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
vodka
Hey everyone,
I failed. I drank, and not just drank...but I got drunk. Sigh...Oh man, I now I"m gonna be depressed about this later. i went with Neil over to his ex g/f's house where her brother, his new g/f and her other friend were drinking. I can't really write because they are till here and it's 5:45am and they are still awake and I am still drunk but.....Oh god, I failed you guys. i can't even write, I made it 6 days and I failed. What a loser am I. I hope and pray that you guys will accept me to try again. My b/f is already in bed pissed. They had this big conversation that I am only staying drunk instead od going compleatly sober because of Neil. Because I feel like Neil needs more help than I do, I will stay drinking to keep his trust. Well, Sort of. I would feel horrible if I got all good and he was still drunk. He is onl anti-depressents and he is diabetic but...so, yeah, what do you guys think about that? I guess that is kinda why I still drink, I don't want to leave my drinking buddy behind who will no doubt die if I don't help him but I'm the only one he trusts. What do you guys think about that? damnit, why did I have to drink, please trust me, you guys...I love ya all...don't give up on me....gotta go...former sober, now drinker back....ug. I'll read any responses tomarrow...Thank you for being there if you are.....and please be....it's been really hard and now my b/f is pissed at me. Sigh, I need all the help I can get. God....I wish I wouldnt have drank. We got out of the meeting though and his ex. Who he was still trying to be friends with asked us over, he asked if it was ok with me. I hesistated because I knew there could be drinking but said sure because I had a handle on it...laugh! Funny!
But, anyways...here I am....depressed as hell and the cat just scared the **** outta me by jumping on my lap and my b/f's ex's friend is drunk laying behind me so I gotta go...sigh, I wish I would've been better. I'm sorry.
Stacey
I failed. I drank, and not just drank...but I got drunk. Sigh...Oh man, I now I"m gonna be depressed about this later. i went with Neil over to his ex g/f's house where her brother, his new g/f and her other friend were drinking. I can't really write because they are till here and it's 5:45am and they are still awake and I am still drunk but.....Oh god, I failed you guys. i can't even write, I made it 6 days and I failed. What a loser am I. I hope and pray that you guys will accept me to try again. My b/f is already in bed pissed. They had this big conversation that I am only staying drunk instead od going compleatly sober because of Neil. Because I feel like Neil needs more help than I do, I will stay drinking to keep his trust. Well, Sort of. I would feel horrible if I got all good and he was still drunk. He is onl anti-depressents and he is diabetic but...so, yeah, what do you guys think about that? I guess that is kinda why I still drink, I don't want to leave my drinking buddy behind who will no doubt die if I don't help him but I'm the only one he trusts. What do you guys think about that? damnit, why did I have to drink, please trust me, you guys...I love ya all...don't give up on me....gotta go...former sober, now drinker back....ug. I'll read any responses tomarrow...Thank you for being there if you are.....and please be....it's been really hard and now my b/f is pissed at me. Sigh, I need all the help I can get. God....I wish I wouldnt have drank. We got out of the meeting though and his ex. Who he was still trying to be friends with asked us over, he asked if it was ok with me. I hesistated because I knew there could be drinking but said sure because I had a handle on it...laugh! Funny!
But, anyways...here I am....depressed as hell and the cat just scared the **** outta me by jumping on my lap and my b/f's ex's friend is drunk laying behind me so I gotta go...sigh, I wish I would've been better. I'm sorry. Stacey
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
You've written so many things I want to address that I don't even know where to start. It's probably going to take me several posts to say what I want to say. The main thing we seem to have in common is we're dealing with a similar problem while in college. Even with all you've wrote I still barely know a fraction of the details of your life I'm sure, but one thing I do know is we're both trying to keep alcohol from preventing us from graduating from school and basically from ruining our lives. First of all do you agree that's at least one of the things that is bothering you? I also relate to you feeling shy about speaking in front of a group of people, and that has to make it difficult to get through school because speeches, presentations, and speaking up in class is a big part of what it takes to graduate. That's my opinion, do you agree and is that one of your anxieties?
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 17
Hi Stacey ~ I know you don't know me, but I wanted to say something if that's okay with you...
Every person here probably slipped more than once, so I don't think anyone will be mad at you. I 'm not, for whatever that's worth.
People told me that the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is to drink. In fact, no one should judge you because any one of us could be Drunk or Dead tomorrow. Someone told me that if anyone comes up to me and says "I have worked a perfect AA program and I don't have bad thoughts or I don't struggle with wanting to drink," Do NOT get a ride home with this person! They will probably be drunk in the bushes tomorrow. We are all in this boat because we f___ed up our lives royally with alcohol.
About Neil. If you are drinking, there is NO way you can help him. imho. If you can stay sober and show him that it's not so bad
then maybe you can help him
You also said that you hesitated. You knew deep down it would be hard. It seems to me that you KNOW what you have to do, but it is hard. And it is! It f___in sucks! I would go to AA meetings and literally hang on to the chair I was sitting in because I wanted to get up and leave so badly.
My friends, once I quit drinking, didn't really want to be with me as much. They all loved to talk about what a screw-up I was and they theorized about why I drank and on and on. But when I finally stopped drinking and acting like a fool, they didn't really have much to talk to me about. But I knew that I'd be dead or in jail and they'd carry on without two thoughts about me, so, at one point I had to just go it alone. Some of them didn't want me to stop drinking because then they might have to look at themselves!
Maybe next time you're going some place and you know there will be a lot of drinking, you will remember this and say, hey I can't hang out right now with people who are going to be drinking hard. People told me I had to give up my playmates and playthings, but I would still go with my friends to bars for my whole first year sober! And then i finally realized it just was Not fun at all -- being sober around drunk people was not that fun.
Don't beat yourself up. Try to get to a meeting and share. You are a newcomer. YOU are the most important person in that room. Those know-it-alls need to listen to the struggling new person! Sometimes people in AA do think they know EVERYTHING...
Like I said, you know deep down. Listen to the people who share honestly and with some humility. They are there. I promise.
Every person here probably slipped more than once, so I don't think anyone will be mad at you. I 'm not, for whatever that's worth.
People told me that the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is to drink. In fact, no one should judge you because any one of us could be Drunk or Dead tomorrow. Someone told me that if anyone comes up to me and says "I have worked a perfect AA program and I don't have bad thoughts or I don't struggle with wanting to drink," Do NOT get a ride home with this person! They will probably be drunk in the bushes tomorrow. We are all in this boat because we f___ed up our lives royally with alcohol.
About Neil. If you are drinking, there is NO way you can help him. imho. If you can stay sober and show him that it's not so bad
then maybe you can help himYou also said that you hesitated. You knew deep down it would be hard. It seems to me that you KNOW what you have to do, but it is hard. And it is! It f___in sucks! I would go to AA meetings and literally hang on to the chair I was sitting in because I wanted to get up and leave so badly.
My friends, once I quit drinking, didn't really want to be with me as much. They all loved to talk about what a screw-up I was and they theorized about why I drank and on and on. But when I finally stopped drinking and acting like a fool, they didn't really have much to talk to me about. But I knew that I'd be dead or in jail and they'd carry on without two thoughts about me, so, at one point I had to just go it alone. Some of them didn't want me to stop drinking because then they might have to look at themselves!
Maybe next time you're going some place and you know there will be a lot of drinking, you will remember this and say, hey I can't hang out right now with people who are going to be drinking hard. People told me I had to give up my playmates and playthings, but I would still go with my friends to bars for my whole first year sober! And then i finally realized it just was Not fun at all -- being sober around drunk people was not that fun.
Don't beat yourself up. Try to get to a meeting and share. You are a newcomer. YOU are the most important person in that room. Those know-it-alls need to listen to the struggling new person! Sometimes people in AA do think they know EVERYTHING...
Like I said, you know deep down. Listen to the people who share honestly and with some humility. They are there. I promise.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
The morning after
God, I dont' know where to start. Captain Morgan, as much as your name makes me want to hurl right now, you are totally right. I compleatly agree with you. You know, I remember writing on here last night, it was like I felt like if I wrote I was ok, at least I was aware of the problem. Today I'm asking myself "Did I drink more than I intended?" Well, I didn't puke and that's a first, but I was out in the kitchen doing shots of vodka (ug, making myself sick just saying the word) before I went to bed...alone. That's the key word, I was doing shots alone. Everyone else was laying here sleeping. I was open enough when I was drunk to tell everyone I was trying to quit drinking. Turns out I was there with my b/f's ex's friend who was an alcoholic and had been sober for 2 1/2 years and was there getting drunk, not to mention she was pregnant. This made me literally almost stop drinking. Almost being the key word. Well, it's morning now, I have sketchy memories of last night, I didn't black out but I don't really remember what was said during most of the conversations. We were talking about Neil and how I said I couldn't go sober without him because he's my drinking buddy and if he ends up dead tomarrow drunk and I was sober, I would feel responsible for not trying to get him to go with me. I didn't realize it then but it was really probrably just a clever plot to keep drinking. Funny thing was, once I was drunk everyone at the party tells me when Neil's out of the room that apparently everyone's discussed it that they think Neil and I have a thing for each other. This just made things wierd. Very wierd. I hate it when people have to screw with a perfectly good thing. Neil is like one of my best friends, yeah he's my b/f's friend but...aww well. Sigh, the meeting that we went to last night was great. It was afterwards, we came home Neil said he wanted to give them a call. He's holding the phone down asking me, "Is it cool if we hang out with them? They are going to play drinking games..etc. ARe you cool around alcohol? Do you want to go?" That moment, my heart started beating harder because I was like...This is the moment, this is what you're going to have to put up with. I knew that Neil would get all wierd if I said no, I'll just stay here. He wouldn't want to leave me here alone and go off to drink with them. So I said, "Yeah, I'll go...don't worry about me, I'll be ok. I'll just have a couple." I bought a 6 pack, ended up drinking the whole thing and then doing...uhh.....I don't know how many shots...3?4?5? No...not 5...hrm....I don't really remember. I feel so horrible. What a loser ya know? I'm supposed to be in Lansing right now taking my civil service exam to maybe get me out of my loser job, but no...I feel like **** so I'm sitting here 2 hours north wishing I wasn't such a screwup. I thank you guys for being there ya know. I kept telling myself last night, ya know...every alcoholic fails once or twice, it's ok...hell, it's almost expected. I'm going to a meeting tonight. Everyone wants to go out tonight....well, Neil's Ex. g/f wants a "girls night out" with us going to a dance club so we can "flirt with guys without the b/f's knowing" and the guys go see this band, Burnaround. Personally, I'd much rather go see the band, they are much cooler. Besides, I'm the only one with a b/f, well, fiance' in the whole group. Crap, I think I left my purse in Neil's car...sigh, crap. I have to get that back or I can't go to any meetings, it's got my sheets to get signed. Well, I haven't given up on myself. I can still do this. I can stay sober, I don't care how crazy I'm going, I WILL stay sober for more than 6 days at a time. Damnit, that was a record for me too....6 days is the longest I've made it since sept. How pathetic is that? Even that should answer my question about being an alcoholic. Yeah, I don't drink everyday but damn, I haven't gone a whole week sober in over 6 months. Not since I was arrested. Well, I feel like complete **** here. My hangover is killing me (I've already vomited once, actually I make myself vomit to clear out my stomach and feel better.) and I'm still kinda tired. I just really needed to write. Like, there I was ...I got outta bed and sat huddled around the toilet with a finger down my throught. I'm like....why the Hell am I living like this? Right here, right now....why am I doing this? Why aren't I at my exam and getting a better job rather than sitting here self inducing vomitting to feel better cause I drank to much (once again!) last night. God, how pathetic. I feel sooo.....pathetic. I am an alcoholic, I am a social alcoholic, but still an alcoholic. I keep trying to convince myself that my life is still managable, but not when I start drinking it's not. My life goes to **** for 2 days if I pick up a bottle. I knew even when I got the 6 pack that I would drink it all. And then my friend Mike puts down the bottle of vodka next to me. I looked at him like, don't put that near me! He said I looked thirsty. This is so much harder than I thought. I was feeling so good last night, I was so confident. And I know Neil knew I was pretty pissed with myself for drinking, he could tell but...his ex. g/f was attached to my hip being girly so I couldn't really talk to him. I have this song I dedicate to this board....I'll put the liricks....I listen to this everyday:
Leap of Faith
One last call to answer
feeling full of dispair
don't think I can get through it
just one last prayer
(chorus)
and it's a leap of faith when you belive there's someone out there.
It's a leap of faith when you belive that someone who care's...
when I call out to you, will you be right there.
right there.
searching for the answer
nobody seems to care
and now I wish that you were here, beside me
to wipe away my tears
Chorus
waiting for the answer
remembering times we would share
somehow I feel you here beside me
even though you're not there
chorus
I'll be waiting, by the window
for you're smile to come through
and I'll be waiting in the darkness,
when I call out to you
and I remember, when you told me,
I could trust in you.
chorus
and it's a leap of faith......
Isn't that the best song? I can't tell you how many times I listen to that while I'm typing on here to give me faith that someone will always be there, no matter what. I'm feeling better already. I scewed up, big time but I can be better. I don't Need alcohol in my life. Of corse, right now I feel so worn out that I can't even cry and I want to. I'm gonna go try to puke again and get a big glass of water and crawl back into bed and talk to Dave, my fiance. I think he's ready to kick me out. I know last night he got pissed at me but I don't remember why exactly, something to do with me drinking, that's guarenteed. I think it was because I refused to stop drinking without Neil. See, Neil is diabetic and on anti-depressents. This is why everyone is worried about him dying. He screws up his sugar levels on a regular basis. I don't know...I think that is part of my stubborn resisitance (at least last night) to stop drinking and leave Neil an alcoholic, because he is killing himself and I hate to see that. Anyways, I'm outta here. I've written practically a book here. Please keep coming with the answers for me. I relaly appreciate any help, I obviously can't do this alone.
Stacey
Leap of Faith
One last call to answer
feeling full of dispair
don't think I can get through it
just one last prayer
(chorus)
and it's a leap of faith when you belive there's someone out there.
It's a leap of faith when you belive that someone who care's...
when I call out to you, will you be right there.
right there.
searching for the answer
nobody seems to care
and now I wish that you were here, beside me
to wipe away my tears
Chorus
waiting for the answer
remembering times we would share
somehow I feel you here beside me
even though you're not there
chorus
I'll be waiting, by the window
for you're smile to come through
and I'll be waiting in the darkness,
when I call out to you
and I remember, when you told me,
I could trust in you.
chorus
and it's a leap of faith......
Isn't that the best song? I can't tell you how many times I listen to that while I'm typing on here to give me faith that someone will always be there, no matter what. I'm feeling better already. I scewed up, big time but I can be better. I don't Need alcohol in my life. Of corse, right now I feel so worn out that I can't even cry and I want to. I'm gonna go try to puke again and get a big glass of water and crawl back into bed and talk to Dave, my fiance. I think he's ready to kick me out. I know last night he got pissed at me but I don't remember why exactly, something to do with me drinking, that's guarenteed. I think it was because I refused to stop drinking without Neil. See, Neil is diabetic and on anti-depressents. This is why everyone is worried about him dying. He screws up his sugar levels on a regular basis. I don't know...I think that is part of my stubborn resisitance (at least last night) to stop drinking and leave Neil an alcoholic, because he is killing himself and I hate to see that. Anyways, I'm outta here. I've written practically a book here. Please keep coming with the answers for me. I relaly appreciate any help, I obviously can't do this alone.
Stacey
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: AZ
Posts: 57
Stacey, I have been thinking a lot about you. When I read this last message on thing you wrote really stuck out -I feel sooo.....pathetic. I am an alcoholic, Please don't forget that. Answering your original question is the first step. Please try to stay away from people drinking until you feel stronger. I know you can do this. As far as not having your slip for AA, don't let that keep you from going. You need to start going because you want to, not because the court says you have too! Hang in there ans remember that everyone is here for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
Hey Stacey it's me again. It's funny what you said about my name. I take it you had a really bad experience with the captain or something. I call myself that because it was the drink that initially really hooked me in. In fact, it was my nickname at a previously college I attended, haha. Eventually because of the amounts I was drinking it became too expensive, so I kept cutting back to cheaper and cheaper rums and vodka's. To this day it's still my favorite though, something for a special occasion...at least it would be if I didn't have to quit drinking.
Anyway the first time I was confronted about my drinking problem, I couldn't believe people were telling me I needed to stop. To me drinking had become the only thing in life I even remotely enjoyed. It was like telling most people they have to stop having sex or they have to stop eating or breathing. Cut back, that I could handle, or at least I thought I could. I'm able to do that for a while but it's just a matter of time before I'm drinking out of control again. It's so damn frustrating because just like any other alcoholic I would just like to enjoy a couple of drinks. Unfortunately that doesn't do anything for me.
I see in your posts you have other friends who drink as much or more than you do. I've never had any alcoholic friends, just alcohol abusers, you know the ones who get trashed on the weekends or just a few days a week whenever they feel like it. I do know there was no way I could go out with them and just watch them drink. That was one of the biggest things we had in common, just going out to clubs and getting trashed together. I tried to cut back to just going out and having a couple with them, and I was successful...for a while. Like I read in another post here it's not really any fun being sober around a bunch of drunks. So I never really tried to completely quit drinking before for any length of time, but it's got to be extremely difficult to quit when you have other friends who like to drink as much as you do. It's definitely going to take some support from people who don't drink now or people who never did. I wish I could tell you my success story of how I've experienced a great life after alcohol, but I'm just now trying to give it up myself. I can tell you I relate to how difficult it is trying to quit. It was difficult cutting back let alone stopping all together. Good luck.
Anyway the first time I was confronted about my drinking problem, I couldn't believe people were telling me I needed to stop. To me drinking had become the only thing in life I even remotely enjoyed. It was like telling most people they have to stop having sex or they have to stop eating or breathing. Cut back, that I could handle, or at least I thought I could. I'm able to do that for a while but it's just a matter of time before I'm drinking out of control again. It's so damn frustrating because just like any other alcoholic I would just like to enjoy a couple of drinks. Unfortunately that doesn't do anything for me.
I see in your posts you have other friends who drink as much or more than you do. I've never had any alcoholic friends, just alcohol abusers, you know the ones who get trashed on the weekends or just a few days a week whenever they feel like it. I do know there was no way I could go out with them and just watch them drink. That was one of the biggest things we had in common, just going out to clubs and getting trashed together. I tried to cut back to just going out and having a couple with them, and I was successful...for a while. Like I read in another post here it's not really any fun being sober around a bunch of drunks. So I never really tried to completely quit drinking before for any length of time, but it's got to be extremely difficult to quit when you have other friends who like to drink as much as you do. It's definitely going to take some support from people who don't drink now or people who never did. I wish I could tell you my success story of how I've experienced a great life after alcohol, but I'm just now trying to give it up myself. I can tell you I relate to how difficult it is trying to quit. It was difficult cutting back let alone stopping all together. Good luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Day 1....again.
Well, my song for the say is Here we go again...isn't that by whitesnake or something? hehe...well, feeling much better now. I spent like 4 hours just laying on the couch talking to my b/f. We had a huge discussion and I think it was really good. I took him to a meeting tonight too, that was really good. I'm really glad we went. A lot better than taking Neil! Who is staying at home tonight to spend some "family" time. I think it's just that his parents are worried about him cause we just got a big snowstorm and he always drives drunk. But, my b/f said that he is really sick of my behavior and he loves me and wants to marry me (we just got engaged 2 weeks ago) but, he's not willing to marry a drinking alcoholic. He said no matter how much he loves me, he will eventually leave me if I dont stop. That really hurt me, ya know? I told him..the best I can do is try. All I can do is avoid the situations that make me drink until the physical cravings stop and I can choose to go on my own, not because the cravings tell me to. I'm doing ok now today, it's Day 1..again, yeah. But ya know...ya gotta start somewhere and honestly, I didn't have that much fun last night! And I really didn't have fun this morning, I puked like 4 times..it really sucked. I like being sober much more and I realized that ya know, I'm gonna get my AA meetings done for the court and I'm gonna keep on going. As much as I feel I need to, as often as I do. I told Dave, I'll call into work, I'll skip a class...if I think that I might drink because I put my responsibilities first..well, I'm just not going to do it. If I'm in jeapordy of drinking, I'm going to a meeting. Sometimes when I've given in it's because I just don't have time to make it to a meeting, and when I can't go...it stresses me out that I don't have any time for me. I'm really glad Cap't. Morgan (used to be my favorite drink.) that you are going through the same thing as me, it really makes me feel like someone understands what I'm going through, they aren't already there, ya know? That's the thing at the meeting tonight, I was talking around these little tables to 4 guys (wierd being the only girl...) that had just started this intensive rehab program like 3-5 days before. That really helped me because I'm just starting too. It's really hard but I know I have to do it. I love my b/f too much and if I did lose him because of it, I don't think I could ever forgive myself for being such a dumbass. We've been together for 3 1/2 years now, I'd be stupid to lose him for alcohol. So...yeah, thank you Capt Morgan and all the other support from people. I wish I could offer more support to everone else and I know I will eventually, but right now I'm just trying to collect the support and try to understand what the hell's wrong with me. BTW: Cap't Mor., wierd thing, I know I live in Michigan but my parents actually almost moved to the same town you live in when I was young, they were obsessed with it for like 10 years, kinda odd. But....I keep reminding myself, I don't care about the future, as long as I'm sober today, that's what counts. Tonight Dave's friend Scott from Toledo is coming over. No alcohol rule in the house so I'm ok for now. I told Dave if I'm avoiding the drinking situations I"m gonna be spending alot of time at home! It's like playing freeze tag and never leaving the safe..hehe. Everntually, for tonight though, I'm ok..and I'm damn glad for that.
Stacey
Stacey
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
Hey Stacey, I'm Mike by the way. I don't want you to get sick everytime you think of my name, so hopefully you don't have any aversions to my real name. (i.e., a bad experience with an ex-boyfriend named Mike)
Anyway I'm glad too if my situation makes you feel less alone. I'll just be glad when the day comes when I truly understand why it is I hate sobriety so damn much.
That's interesting your parents almost moved here to Murfreesboro before. I'm actually originally from Pittsburgh, PA, and I just moved down here last August just before school started. Anyway glad to see you're feeling better. Keep your head up and thanks to you for your support as well.
Anyway I'm glad too if my situation makes you feel less alone. I'll just be glad when the day comes when I truly understand why it is I hate sobriety so damn much.
That's interesting your parents almost moved here to Murfreesboro before. I'm actually originally from Pittsburgh, PA, and I just moved down here last August just before school started. Anyway glad to see you're feeling better. Keep your head up and thanks to you for your support as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 26
Mike, I can tell you why I hated sobriety so much before I made it to the Fellowship of AA. Because I couldn't accept that I was an alcoholic and I believed that someday, I would be able to drink socially. I didn't want to admit or accept the fact that I had absolutely no control over alcohol and that alcohol had control over me.
Hey I had to drink every drink I drank. I had to go everywhere that alcohol brought me, and I had to lose everything I lost, including myself, to get to where I am today. And Mike, you may have to do the same thing. You may have to reach the bottom some of us have. You may have to reach a bottom I haven't reached yet. I say yet, because all I have to do is pick up 1 more drink, and the run is on. That is all I have to do.
So, Mike, the decision is yours to make. Maybe you aren't an alcoholic. Hell I don't know. Only you can answer that question. I will tell you one thing I know for sure. Social drinkers don't come to forums like this or go to AA meetings.
Good luck to you Mike. My prayers are with you. God Bless.
Harry
Hey I had to drink every drink I drank. I had to go everywhere that alcohol brought me, and I had to lose everything I lost, including myself, to get to where I am today. And Mike, you may have to do the same thing. You may have to reach the bottom some of us have. You may have to reach a bottom I haven't reached yet. I say yet, because all I have to do is pick up 1 more drink, and the run is on. That is all I have to do.
So, Mike, the decision is yours to make. Maybe you aren't an alcoholic. Hell I don't know. Only you can answer that question. I will tell you one thing I know for sure. Social drinkers don't come to forums like this or go to AA meetings.
Good luck to you Mike. My prayers are with you. God Bless.
Harry
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
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Mike and Evrwideninheart (cool handle).
Hi and welcome to the forum.
Mike you said something in your last post about "hating sobriety".
I can understand what you mean.I used to have similar feelings.
I dont think it was so much that I "hated sobriety" It was more like I hated the "realities" of my life and alcohol allowed me to escape from those realities.
Learning to stay sober for me meant that I had to learn to accept myself for what I was and to find a different way of facing up to issues in my life.
Peter.
Hi and welcome to the forum.
Mike you said something in your last post about "hating sobriety".
I can understand what you mean.I used to have similar feelings.
I dont think it was so much that I "hated sobriety" It was more like I hated the "realities" of my life and alcohol allowed me to escape from those realities.
Learning to stay sober for me meant that I had to learn to accept myself for what I was and to find a different way of facing up to issues in my life.
Peter.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
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Hey Harry thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience. There's no doubt in my mind at this point I'm an alcoholic. I didn't come to terms with this until last weekend. I now know it's all or nothing for me. I' m convinced I'll never be able to just have a few. Thanks again.
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Thanks Peter, very insightful. I totally agree with you. It's not so much I don't understand why I hate sobriety, I guess I just don't specifically know what causes me to not accept myself sober. I'm sure there are many underlying reasons though. I think I've just let an enormous pressure build up inside me and becoming an alcoholic just made me explode. Thanks again.
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Good Days...
Hello Everyone,
Very interesting replies. One particular thing stuck out that Harry said about social drinkers not being on forum's like this and not going to meetings. The alcoholic me goes, well, I'm only at meetings because of the court making me go and I'm only on here because my b/f suggested it as a solution. But then the real me caught up and immediatly thought, well...how come I enjoy both so much then? Why do I feel like it's keeping me sober right now? Crazy. So...that was a really good point. Mike, I feel like we are at a similar spot. I haven't quite came to terms with myself sober yet, I'm still trying to figure out why people like it so much. I'm not depressed right now like I was last week but, looking at my work schedule and thinking about school this week I start to get stressed out. I mean, I'm getting midterm grades back tomarrow that determine weather I graduate this semester or not, I've got two psychology experiments that I need to start running subjects for, time is crunching, I've got a 15 minutes presentation coming up on April 28th. All this looms in my head, and work and school....hold on, Neil is back, I have to go...I haven't came to terms with him knowing i'm stopped. He know's I'm stopping but not that I've stopped. I'll write a little later.
Very interesting replies. One particular thing stuck out that Harry said about social drinkers not being on forum's like this and not going to meetings. The alcoholic me goes, well, I'm only at meetings because of the court making me go and I'm only on here because my b/f suggested it as a solution. But then the real me caught up and immediatly thought, well...how come I enjoy both so much then? Why do I feel like it's keeping me sober right now? Crazy. So...that was a really good point. Mike, I feel like we are at a similar spot. I haven't quite came to terms with myself sober yet, I'm still trying to figure out why people like it so much. I'm not depressed right now like I was last week but, looking at my work schedule and thinking about school this week I start to get stressed out. I mean, I'm getting midterm grades back tomarrow that determine weather I graduate this semester or not, I've got two psychology experiments that I need to start running subjects for, time is crunching, I've got a 15 minutes presentation coming up on April 28th. All this looms in my head, and work and school....hold on, Neil is back, I have to go...I haven't came to terms with him knowing i'm stopped. He know's I'm stopping but not that I've stopped. I'll write a little later.
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Back again...
Hello again,
Well, I know that not being compleatly honest with Neil isn't the way to go right now but after the whole..you guys like each other which I was forced to tell him today, things are a little wierd. They are out in the next room playing Magic. (nerd game!) But, anyways....Dave went to a meeting with me last night, and tonight him and Neil went with me. Dave says he really liked it. The topic was attitude and how attitude has such a big impact on your mood and weather you want to drink or not. It made me think about my own attitude actually. I tend to have a very pleasant, friendly attitude. But, like....All the time. It never changes, outwardly I never show much in the way of very objective attitude at all. Inwardly, that's another story. I mean, I've got my "friend" at school that I really don't even like, but yet I do projects with her and listen to her talk about herself for at least 2 hours every Tuesday and Thursday. It's really amazing. Then I come home and complain endlessly to Dave. People are actually starting to recognize me at AA now. I had someone smile at me, it made me feel much better actually. I still hate pulling out the sheet to get signed though. 3 AA meetings this last week and now I"m stuck, I can't go unless I miss something till Friday, which I already have lined up with Neil. Problem is, I'd really like to go more. It's not like I can just drop school or anything either, I mean...there's only 6 more weeks left, that's too expensive to just drop. I wish I could make more meetings though. I'm really nervous about my midterm I'm getting back tomarrow. I know that it makes or breaks my attitude. That's one of the things they were talking about tonight I mean, I understand being upset if I dno't do well but...I can imagine right now that I would instantly want to drink. I know that which tells me my attitude needs some help. I'm glad I'm in better spirits this time though, of course it's only day 2. It's the last day of spring break. I've already told Dave...ya know, normally I would totally be trashed right now, the last day of spring break. But I'm not...and that's good. I really hope I can do it this time. I'm going to keep going to as many meetings as I have time for. Tomarrow I leave at 9am for work and between work and school I have 1 hr (45 min drive) and I'm gone till 10:30pm. Nothing sucks more than that! But anyways, writing too much again, but yeah...I'm still thinking about what I said earlier, I realize that I Need this board and the meetings. It's not just something I'm trying, having a help source and a support system to not drink has to become a part of my life, not just a temporary "till I get better" solution. I am slowly accepting that. There is no "cure" no matter how much I want one. With that, I am going to go crawl into bed, leave them out here playing nerd games and go look at the wedding magizine I bought the other night when I was drunk to make Michelle (Dave's ex/Neil's at the time g/f) jealous because she thought I was cheating on Dave with Neil...that whole soap box opera thing. 12 yr old crap, I tell ya. I don't need it. Thing is....I'm just going to write about this....the test I'm getting back, the class is forensics and it's the teachers first time teaching. Well, I missed a class (yes, due to drinking) and the next week we had a quiz that apparently the whole rest of the class knew about, well..when we got it back I failed and the teacher actually held me and two other people after to ask basically, "why did you fail?" Is it me? Is it my teaching? and when I said I had missed the week before he went on to lecture us about how important it is to attend class and if we weren't going to put forth the effort that we shouldn't be there. Personally, this really pissed me off. I'm a senior in college, I don't need to be lectured by my teacher. I'm scared I won't do well on the midterm and he'll yell at me again or I'll just drop or something out of shame. I studied really hard though, ya know...I keep meaning to stop writing but the truth is, I"m scared of the power of that test over me and my willpower to want to drink, that's what I'm scared of even more than the grade. I'm scared of it because it powers me and my attitude. I need some sort of adjustment. Don't quite know how to make school less important to me, it's more important than anything but Dave so....it's hard..and there is Soo much pressure on myself from myself to get into grad school. It's what I've been working for my whole life...blahblah. I really hope I can keep my spirits up and keep going. I really don't want to drink, but I'm so scared I will anyway. I'm scared of myself, how pathetic. Sigh....well, now that I've managed to depress myself...hehe, I think that all goes alone with admitting my faults so I can correct them. Well, I'm tired....I wish you all the best of luck to one more sober day, especially you Mike, I feel like you really understand me and therefore, I really understand you. It's rough...keep with it. I know we can do it. I think I'm finally accepting step #1. I've always accepted that I was powerless, but I've never accepted that my life was unmanageable. When my grades determine weather I drink or not, I am a slave to the addiction. It's a sad world....I will try to keep my spirits up tomarrow, even if i do bad and you can guarentee that even if I can't make it to a meeting, I will be on here as soon as I walk through the door. Thank you so much for being here.
Stacey
Well, I know that not being compleatly honest with Neil isn't the way to go right now but after the whole..you guys like each other which I was forced to tell him today, things are a little wierd. They are out in the next room playing Magic. (nerd game!)
But, anyways....Dave went to a meeting with me last night, and tonight him and Neil went with me. Dave says he really liked it. The topic was attitude and how attitude has such a big impact on your mood and weather you want to drink or not. It made me think about my own attitude actually. I tend to have a very pleasant, friendly attitude. But, like....All the time. It never changes, outwardly I never show much in the way of very objective attitude at all. Inwardly, that's another story. I mean, I've got my "friend" at school that I really don't even like, but yet I do projects with her and listen to her talk about herself for at least 2 hours every Tuesday and Thursday. It's really amazing. Then I come home and complain endlessly to Dave. People are actually starting to recognize me at AA now. I had someone smile at me, it made me feel much better actually. I still hate pulling out the sheet to get signed though. 3 AA meetings this last week and now I"m stuck, I can't go unless I miss something till Friday, which I already have lined up with Neil. Problem is, I'd really like to go more. It's not like I can just drop school or anything either, I mean...there's only 6 more weeks left, that's too expensive to just drop. I wish I could make more meetings though. I'm really nervous about my midterm I'm getting back tomarrow. I know that it makes or breaks my attitude. That's one of the things they were talking about tonight I mean, I understand being upset if I dno't do well but...I can imagine right now that I would instantly want to drink. I know that which tells me my attitude needs some help. I'm glad I'm in better spirits this time though, of course it's only day 2. It's the last day of spring break. I've already told Dave...ya know, normally I would totally be trashed right now, the last day of spring break. But I'm not...and that's good. I really hope I can do it this time. I'm going to keep going to as many meetings as I have time for. Tomarrow I leave at 9am for work and between work and school I have 1 hr (45 min drive) and I'm gone till 10:30pm. Nothing sucks more than that! But anyways, writing too much again, but yeah...I'm still thinking about what I said earlier, I realize that I Need this board and the meetings. It's not just something I'm trying, having a help source and a support system to not drink has to become a part of my life, not just a temporary "till I get better" solution. I am slowly accepting that. There is no "cure" no matter how much I want one. With that, I am going to go crawl into bed, leave them out here playing nerd games and go look at the wedding magizine I bought the other night when I was drunk to make Michelle (Dave's ex/Neil's at the time g/f) jealous because she thought I was cheating on Dave with Neil...that whole soap box opera thing. 12 yr old crap, I tell ya. I don't need it. Thing is....I'm just going to write about this....the test I'm getting back, the class is forensics and it's the teachers first time teaching. Well, I missed a class (yes, due to drinking) and the next week we had a quiz that apparently the whole rest of the class knew about, well..when we got it back I failed and the teacher actually held me and two other people after to ask basically, "why did you fail?" Is it me? Is it my teaching? and when I said I had missed the week before he went on to lecture us about how important it is to attend class and if we weren't going to put forth the effort that we shouldn't be there. Personally, this really pissed me off. I'm a senior in college, I don't need to be lectured by my teacher. I'm scared I won't do well on the midterm and he'll yell at me again or I'll just drop or something out of shame. I studied really hard though, ya know...I keep meaning to stop writing but the truth is, I"m scared of the power of that test over me and my willpower to want to drink, that's what I'm scared of even more than the grade. I'm scared of it because it powers me and my attitude. I need some sort of adjustment. Don't quite know how to make school less important to me, it's more important than anything but Dave so....it's hard..and there is Soo much pressure on myself from myself to get into grad school. It's what I've been working for my whole life...blahblah. I really hope I can keep my spirits up and keep going. I really don't want to drink, but I'm so scared I will anyway. I'm scared of myself, how pathetic. Sigh....well, now that I've managed to depress myself...hehe, I think that all goes alone with admitting my faults so I can correct them. Well, I'm tired....I wish you all the best of luck to one more sober day, especially you Mike, I feel like you really understand me and therefore, I really understand you. It's rough...keep with it. I know we can do it. I think I'm finally accepting step #1. I've always accepted that I was powerless, but I've never accepted that my life was unmanageable. When my grades determine weather I drink or not, I am a slave to the addiction. It's a sad world....I will try to keep my spirits up tomarrow, even if i do bad and you can guarentee that even if I can't make it to a meeting, I will be on here as soon as I walk through the door. Thank you so much for being here.Stacey
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
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Good to see you back again Stacey. I have so many thoughts on what you wrote today but I'm just having trouble keeping them and actually organizing them. While I agree we certainly do have some anxieties, dillemas, and other things in common, you may find it encouraging when I tell you the things we don't.
First of all, this is actually my first night of true sobriety, and I didn't mean to make you think I had actually quit the last few nights. Maybe it was something I said that gave you that impression and I'm sorry if I led you into thinking I had actually achieved sobriety.
I came to this sight for the first time just this past Friday night looking for advice, suggestions, and answers and I found what I was looking for. What actually happened was I had missed an appointment to see a counselor on campus for depression and alocholism Friday afternoon (yes afternoon, not a misprint )after a heavy night of drinking. I have no-one like you have your boyfriend and the courts pushing me to get help and with the combination of lethargy from depression and alcohol I think I literally needed someone to drag my butt out of my apartment, but I have no good friends down here right now not only because I'm relatively new to the area and I came down here alone, but because I cut off the people I did meet down here because of my addiction and for other reasons I won't go into right now. That's a whole other story. I do have a rooomate, however he's Korean and has only lived in this country about a year and a half and needless to say, communication isn't very good. He's a great guy but he doesn't even know or realize what I'm going through and my apartment is set up in such a way we each have a lot of privacy. I'm a quiet, withdrawn drunk, so I have been able to fool even people in the past who knew me well.
Anyway I am feeling really bizarre tonight because this is the first night since around Christmas time of last year I've went a night without a drink. I feel very dazed and confused and just plain weird. I'm also having concerns about going through some type of serious withdrawal. At this point I'm as used to being under the influence as most people are of being sober.
But yeah I don't think we're really at the same stage of alcoholism and while it's never to late to quit until you die, the earlier you can arrest the disease the easier it will be. I noticed in your profile you're two years younger than me and from what I've read about you you're not a daily drinker at this point and chances are you never even would be. I actually didn't even take my first drink of alcohol until I was about 21. I started out just binging every once in a while and by the time I was 22 I was already drinking daily and it's practically been nonstop ever since, although the amounts I was drinking peaked when I was23-24.
Anyway I have a lot more I'd like write but I'm going to have to save it for later. I'll be here tomorrow night sometime. Wish me luck until then and I hope I was able to clear up some things about myself. Peace.
First of all, this is actually my first night of true sobriety, and I didn't mean to make you think I had actually quit the last few nights. Maybe it was something I said that gave you that impression and I'm sorry if I led you into thinking I had actually achieved sobriety.
I came to this sight for the first time just this past Friday night looking for advice, suggestions, and answers and I found what I was looking for. What actually happened was I had missed an appointment to see a counselor on campus for depression and alocholism Friday afternoon (yes afternoon, not a misprint )after a heavy night of drinking. I have no-one like you have your boyfriend and the courts pushing me to get help and with the combination of lethargy from depression and alcohol I think I literally needed someone to drag my butt out of my apartment, but I have no good friends down here right now not only because I'm relatively new to the area and I came down here alone, but because I cut off the people I did meet down here because of my addiction and for other reasons I won't go into right now. That's a whole other story. I do have a rooomate, however he's Korean and has only lived in this country about a year and a half and needless to say, communication isn't very good. He's a great guy but he doesn't even know or realize what I'm going through and my apartment is set up in such a way we each have a lot of privacy. I'm a quiet, withdrawn drunk, so I have been able to fool even people in the past who knew me well.
Anyway I am feeling really bizarre tonight because this is the first night since around Christmas time of last year I've went a night without a drink. I feel very dazed and confused and just plain weird. I'm also having concerns about going through some type of serious withdrawal. At this point I'm as used to being under the influence as most people are of being sober.
But yeah I don't think we're really at the same stage of alcoholism and while it's never to late to quit until you die, the earlier you can arrest the disease the easier it will be. I noticed in your profile you're two years younger than me and from what I've read about you you're not a daily drinker at this point and chances are you never even would be. I actually didn't even take my first drink of alcohol until I was about 21. I started out just binging every once in a while and by the time I was 22 I was already drinking daily and it's practically been nonstop ever since, although the amounts I was drinking peaked when I was23-24.
Anyway I have a lot more I'd like write but I'm going to have to save it for later. I'll be here tomorrow night sometime. Wish me luck until then and I hope I was able to clear up some things about myself. Peace.
Last edited by Captain Morgan; 03-10-2003 at 01:24 AM.
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Phone Shut off
Hey Everyone,
I had a really rough day yesterday, still managed to stay sober but it wasn't easy. After my first day back from spring break...My teacher forgot the mid-terms at his office so I have to wait till next week to see what I go...but, that's ok. He says no one got lower than a C so...I can live with that. But, then I got home after 12 1/2 hours practically craving to log on here and the phone was dead. Apparently because my phone company are dumbass's even after I paid the bill like last week they shut it off, I wasn't even late! So, I have switched services and the phone will be back on the 18th. When I realized the phone wasn't going to work no matter how much I played with the phone jack I almost started getting this almost panic attack, but I sat down, put my head on the table and turned on Michelle Branch. I took some really deep breaths and tried to tell myself I was going to make it, it helped a little, but not much. Until the 18th I'm stuck slinking around at school in the labs and trying to make everyone think I'm just writing e-mail. I don't quite know why I'm so ashamed, I guess I'm just not ready for the world to look at me like that yet. I like to be known as the cool college chick that can out drink anyone. Well, as I was saying, Neil and Scott showed up to play euchre not 10 minutes after I walked through the door, which I wasn't really prepared for, I need time alone!! But, yeah, they came over and we played euchre, which was wierd because I couldn't remember how to play sober! I never have! But, after we were done I did something really stupid. I didn't drink..(there isn't anything in the house) but I made plans with Neil and Scott to come over tomarrow night to drink. I told them I'd just buy a 40 and for them to not offer me anything of theirs, I just wanted to drink a little. Stupid stupid me because in my head I know very well that if I have even a 40 I will be soon begging Neil for one of his beers or go buy my own. So, Dave overheard and got really pissed off at me. We almost got into a fight, well we did..a little one. He spouted off all these like, why don't you just go drink your beer and move out...stuff like that. It really hurt, I tried to tell him I just had a moment of weakness, it's not like I actually drank! He said if I made the plans I may as well have. Sigh...so now I need to figure out what to do tomarrow...I mean, I can just not drink but I'm going to be miserable and everything in me is going to crave it like the world is ending without it. I can't even call them or anything because the phone doesn't work and I'm gone all the time until then anyways. Well, I do have class tomarrow so I'll be on here around 6pm. I don't quite know what to do...I really wish I could make it to a meeting but, I don't want to skip class either. Sigh, any ideas? The lady I work with told me to play sick but I know I won't, I know they'll just tell me I'm lying which they'll be able to tell I am. When Dave kinda gave me the cold shoulder about drinking yesterday he walks out of the room and Neil is like, "I don't know how you can take critisism like that. He's so critical, so what if you want to have a couple of beers, at least you're setting a really low limit for yourself, what's the problem?" How do I react to something like that? Well, I know if I can make it through Friday I'll be ok. We go to the meeting and Neil, Scott, Mike ad Michelle are all going up to "crazy days". A party all weekend at the ski resort kinda thing. We were originally supposed to go. So, I should be ok this weekend, even if I have to go to meetings everyday. I'll try not to get depressed that I'm not there having fun with them. Capt' Morgan....: I'm not sure why I thought you were sober...I just remembered that you were new, like me. I hope you can do it, but I know how hard it is. Hell, when I drank on Friday I used the excuse that ya know, I'm an alcoholic, we're expected to fail! Don't be like me...I set a bad example last week. Tell ya what, I"ll try to go through tomarrow night just for you. To prove that I can be sober and you try to make it through tonight for me. I want to see that you can be too...Ok? If I feel like I'm letting someone down sometimes it has an effect on me. You're right though, I'm only a social drinker, but the problem is...I can't Not drink in the social situation if everyone else is...it's either that or avoid society all together, which isn't an answer. Well, I've got to head to class...i'm really glad I could get back on here...I hope I can make it. Tonight shouldn't be bad, I'm just going home at 9 to watch White Oleander, I've heard it's depressing....I"m excited. I will be back tomarrow, you can trust that. Thank you for listening to me ramble, whoever reads this. I'm longwinded because I don't ever want to leave something out and feel like I didn't say everything I wanted to. Thank you, I rely on this board now when I can't make meetings. I will see everyone tomarrow....
Stacey
I had a really rough day yesterday, still managed to stay sober but it wasn't easy. After my first day back from spring break...My teacher forgot the mid-terms at his office so I have to wait till next week to see what I go...but, that's ok. He says no one got lower than a C so...I can live with that. But, then I got home after 12 1/2 hours practically craving to log on here and the phone was dead. Apparently because my phone company are dumbass's even after I paid the bill like last week they shut it off, I wasn't even late! So, I have switched services and the phone will be back on the 18th. When I realized the phone wasn't going to work no matter how much I played with the phone jack I almost started getting this almost panic attack, but I sat down, put my head on the table and turned on Michelle Branch. I took some really deep breaths and tried to tell myself I was going to make it, it helped a little, but not much. Until the 18th I'm stuck slinking around at school in the labs and trying to make everyone think I'm just writing e-mail. I don't quite know why I'm so ashamed, I guess I'm just not ready for the world to look at me like that yet. I like to be known as the cool college chick that can out drink anyone. Well, as I was saying, Neil and Scott showed up to play euchre not 10 minutes after I walked through the door, which I wasn't really prepared for, I need time alone!! But, yeah, they came over and we played euchre, which was wierd because I couldn't remember how to play sober! I never have! But, after we were done I did something really stupid. I didn't drink..(there isn't anything in the house) but I made plans with Neil and Scott to come over tomarrow night to drink. I told them I'd just buy a 40 and for them to not offer me anything of theirs, I just wanted to drink a little. Stupid stupid me because in my head I know very well that if I have even a 40 I will be soon begging Neil for one of his beers or go buy my own. So, Dave overheard and got really pissed off at me. We almost got into a fight, well we did..a little one. He spouted off all these like, why don't you just go drink your beer and move out...stuff like that. It really hurt, I tried to tell him I just had a moment of weakness, it's not like I actually drank! He said if I made the plans I may as well have. Sigh...so now I need to figure out what to do tomarrow...I mean, I can just not drink but I'm going to be miserable and everything in me is going to crave it like the world is ending without it. I can't even call them or anything because the phone doesn't work and I'm gone all the time until then anyways. Well, I do have class tomarrow so I'll be on here around 6pm. I don't quite know what to do...I really wish I could make it to a meeting but, I don't want to skip class either. Sigh, any ideas? The lady I work with told me to play sick but I know I won't, I know they'll just tell me I'm lying which they'll be able to tell I am. When Dave kinda gave me the cold shoulder about drinking yesterday he walks out of the room and Neil is like, "I don't know how you can take critisism like that. He's so critical, so what if you want to have a couple of beers, at least you're setting a really low limit for yourself, what's the problem?" How do I react to something like that? Well, I know if I can make it through Friday I'll be ok. We go to the meeting and Neil, Scott, Mike ad Michelle are all going up to "crazy days". A party all weekend at the ski resort kinda thing. We were originally supposed to go. So, I should be ok this weekend, even if I have to go to meetings everyday. I'll try not to get depressed that I'm not there having fun with them. Capt' Morgan....: I'm not sure why I thought you were sober...I just remembered that you were new, like me. I hope you can do it, but I know how hard it is. Hell, when I drank on Friday I used the excuse that ya know, I'm an alcoholic, we're expected to fail! Don't be like me...I set a bad example last week. Tell ya what, I"ll try to go through tomarrow night just for you. To prove that I can be sober and you try to make it through tonight for me. I want to see that you can be too...Ok?
If I feel like I'm letting someone down sometimes it has an effect on me. You're right though, I'm only a social drinker, but the problem is...I can't Not drink in the social situation if everyone else is...it's either that or avoid society all together, which isn't an answer. Well, I've got to head to class...i'm really glad I could get back on here...I hope I can make it. Tonight shouldn't be bad, I'm just going home at 9 to watch White Oleander, I've heard it's depressing....I"m excited. I will be back tomarrow, you can trust that. Thank you for listening to me ramble, whoever reads this. I'm longwinded because I don't ever want to leave something out and feel like I didn't say everything I wanted to. Thank you, I rely on this board now when I can't make meetings. I will see everyone tomarrow....Stacey
member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
Hey Stacey I'm sorry If I've become a discouragement to you but I'm just not there yet. I've found out that quitting for someone like me at this point can be very dangerous. I haven't given up though. I know I want and have to quit. This is going to be more of a challenge than I ever could have imagined...or dreaded. You're success is an encouragement to me though. Peace.
Paused
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: AZ
Posts: 57
Treatment Programs
Hello Captain Morgan,
Please go to the Christian Recovery area. I asked about treatment programs for my son and received several responses. Here is an example:
Adding to that list would be The Salvation Army programs. They are by far the most successful free drug treatment programs in the country. Otherwise known as "ARC's", the Sally offers a Christian-based work-threrapy program, usually 90-180 days, that inlucdes 12-step, church, counseling and work. There is no charge for their programs.
A christ-centered program in California is Pacific Hills
I am not an alcoholic but a mother of one. He is going to be starting a 90 day in-patient program soon. It seems to me that life can get in the way of recovery and sometimes you have to give yourself a chance to get away and learn how to deal with life without alcohol. I wish you the best!
Please go to the Christian Recovery area. I asked about treatment programs for my son and received several responses. Here is an example:
Adding to that list would be The Salvation Army programs. They are by far the most successful free drug treatment programs in the country. Otherwise known as "ARC's", the Sally offers a Christian-based work-threrapy program, usually 90-180 days, that inlucdes 12-step, church, counseling and work. There is no charge for their programs.
A christ-centered program in California is Pacific Hills
I am not an alcoholic but a mother of one. He is going to be starting a 90 day in-patient program soon. It seems to me that life can get in the way of recovery and sometimes you have to give yourself a chance to get away and learn how to deal with life without alcohol. I wish you the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Rough Week...
Hey,
I'm going to just use this as a diary of sorts today. It's been another long day, got up at 9, went to work at 10 after getting there late cause my car has something up with the little plastic thingy scraping against the wheel...too lazy to shovel! hehe...So, I'm in my b/f's car today, which is nice. But, just got outta work and now I'm at school til 10....Sigh, I just feel like I never get to go home and just chill. I was sitting at work today writing in my real diary that I felt I really needed a meeting tonight...and maybe I do. Yeah, I know I do...but i'm here. I'm almost as safe here as at a meeting, I just don't leave with the positive feeling that I'm not going to drink, It almost harbors the drinking feeling till I get outta class. Neil and Scott are supposed to be coming over to drink tonight, tonight's that night. Dave said he was going to call and tell them I didn't want them over. I was really hesitant about it...at first I was like..nono, they can come over, just tell them they can't drink. But then I was like....am I admitting I'm that pathetic and can't even be around it without drinking it? So, then I tell him...nono, tell them it's ok, I'm just not going to drink. Then I tell myself, "Who do you think you are kidding? Are you ready for this? I don't think so!" So, then I go...nono, better just tell them not to come over with a sigh of defeat. However, Dave is a guy, so who knows if he'll actually call them...I"m betting against it. So, I'm kinda nervous, I don't quite know what's going on and so I can't get myself prepared for it. I wish I could. I wish I was on my way home and to a meeting tonight. I really could use it. I may skip class tomarrow to go. See, I skipped this class the week before spring break to drink so...I"m kinda stuck going tonight. We're learning about this big ol' 30 page paper I have to do next month anyways. But, I guess I'll go..the phone is working again at home now. Don't ask me...I don't understand it...but, either way I'm switching back to the old company. So...I guess that's about it, I'm nervous, I want to go to a meeting but alas, my life calls me. Dave and I figured out the grades I need to get this semester to get into grad school next year, I basically need to kick ass. Like that doesn't put even more pressure on me. It's not going to be easy but if I can make it through tonight, whatever happens...it'll be that crutial day 5, the one I never make it past and haven't ever made it past in the past 6 months so...wish me luck. Tomarrow I've got the day off work finally, Thank god! I really need it...I'll talk to you guys again when I get home. ......I can do it.
Stacey
I'm going to just use this as a diary of sorts today. It's been another long day, got up at 9, went to work at 10 after getting there late cause my car has something up with the little plastic thingy scraping against the wheel...too lazy to shovel! hehe...So, I'm in my b/f's car today, which is nice. But, just got outta work and now I'm at school til 10....Sigh, I just feel like I never get to go home and just chill. I was sitting at work today writing in my real diary that I felt I really needed a meeting tonight...and maybe I do. Yeah, I know I do...but i'm here. I'm almost as safe here as at a meeting, I just don't leave with the positive feeling that I'm not going to drink, It almost harbors the drinking feeling till I get outta class. Neil and Scott are supposed to be coming over to drink tonight, tonight's that night. Dave said he was going to call and tell them I didn't want them over. I was really hesitant about it...at first I was like..nono, they can come over, just tell them they can't drink. But then I was like....am I admitting I'm that pathetic and can't even be around it without drinking it? So, then I tell him...nono, tell them it's ok, I'm just not going to drink. Then I tell myself, "Who do you think you are kidding? Are you ready for this? I don't think so!" So, then I go...nono, better just tell them not to come over with a sigh of defeat. However, Dave is a guy, so who knows if he'll actually call them...I"m betting against it. So, I'm kinda nervous, I don't quite know what's going on and so I can't get myself prepared for it. I wish I could. I wish I was on my way home and to a meeting tonight. I really could use it. I may skip class tomarrow to go. See, I skipped this class the week before spring break to drink so...I"m kinda stuck going tonight. We're learning about this big ol' 30 page paper I have to do next month anyways. But, I guess I'll go..the phone is working again at home now. Don't ask me...I don't understand it...but, either way I'm switching back to the old company. So...I guess that's about it, I'm nervous, I want to go to a meeting but alas, my life calls me. Dave and I figured out the grades I need to get this semester to get into grad school next year, I basically need to kick ass. Like that doesn't put even more pressure on me. It's not going to be easy but if I can make it through tonight, whatever happens...it'll be that crutial day 5, the one I never make it past and haven't ever made it past in the past 6 months so...wish me luck. Tomarrow I've got the day off work finally, Thank god! I really need it...I'll talk to you guys again when I get home. ......I can do it.
Stacey
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