StellaBlu

Hi,
I wanted to share that I feel a bit overwhelmed today. I know I'm processing a significant life event - partially caused by me being triggered by feelings of violation as an ACOA.

I did not meditate today so I need to get on that cushion and do the work.

I hope all beings are free from emotional distress this evening.

Maudcat

Listening, Stella.
Definitely do the meditation.
Everything helps.

StellaBlu

Maudcat - thank you for the encouragement. I did meditate for 15 minutes and am feeling a bit more like myself.

Many thanks.
Stella

StellaBlu

Definitely going to meditation group this evening.

StellaBlu

Difficult day.
Spent much of the day lying in bed going in and out of sleep and depressive/reflective states. Not sure how this will end up. Trying to stay positive. Late this afternoon I managed to get myself out for a 4 mile run. Felt marginally better only to slip back into to it later.

Thankful for my supportive husband. Thankful for a warm comfortable bed.
Thankful for this forum.
Thank you for listening.

StellaBlu

Learning that recovery is not necessarily linear.
Sometimes we regress.
Bummer.

Maudcat

Good days and bad days.
Things will smooth out in time.

StellaBlu

Feeling much better today.

This is challenging. Wondering what the long term effects will be.

May all be free from emotional distress this evening.

StellaBlu

Have to drop the documents off at the lawyers office today. This is bringing up a lot of negative emotions for me. Trauma triggers. I think I'm going to throw up.

May all beings be free from emotional distress.

StellaBlu

Feeling more stable. It was difficult today but I haven't done anything self-destructive or damaging. I feel scared though.

May all beings be well.

StellaBlu

I wish I didn't feel so much shame.

Seren

Oh, Stella, I am sorry to hear that. I must admit, I have suffered many "shame storms" in my day. And they do seem to come out of nowhere and at the oddest times....like walking down an innocuous hallway or something like that.

I have never learned a particular technique to help with them, but sometimes I can think my way out of them.

1) Did I actually do anything for which I should be ashamed? Would I think someone else should be ashamed if they did the same thing?

2) If I did do something wrong, have I worked to apologize for my behavior? If so, did the person(s) forgive me? If the person did forgive me then I should be able to forgive myself.

3) Breathe!

StellaBlu

Seren -
Yes that's it - I'm in a 'Shame storm'. Thank you for putting a name to it. That was so very helpful. And yes, it seems that it doesn't take much to trigger them lately.

I go back and forth everyday trying to decide if what I did should cause me so much shame. Some days I think I'm fooling myself. I think I should feel ashamed of what I did. I'm stuck trying to figure out how much I need to own. The other person was certainly not perfect - but did they do to me what I did to them? And then I'm not sure that I *want* to apologize to this person - which causes me more confusion...and shame.

I meditated this evening. I fear it's going to take me some time to sort this all out...and feel good about myself.

I am thankful for the insights you and others have shared on this topic. It is so helpful.
Stella

StellaBlu

Yesterday, I met with a professional and discussed the nature of my shame.
This person knows extensively about my situation and about me and about the other person(s) involved.
I was honest with this person when conveying what I had said - the comment that gave me so much shame. It gave me so much relief to here her tell me that she knew I was a kind person and that based on the circumstances she could understand how I could say what I said. She also said that she knew I didn't mean it the way it came out and that it was a statement made in desperation/frustration.

It gave me such a relief to hear her say that. Though I'm still dealing with the fallout from my comment - which is serious and I cannot undo it. I was comforted by her words.

I'm trying now to move past this. I don't think I will make amends to this person anytime soon. It still feels too raw. I'm too hurt. I've already paid a huge cost for my actions. I need to heal myself.

I'm grateful to this forum. Thank you for listening.

StellaBlu

Hello,
So now after feeling 'good' about it for a couple of days I'm now back on reflecting on the 'shameful' comment I made.

Here's the question: why can't I control my impulse to say some of the most vile things sometimes? And I'm not talking about being drunk and saying these things - I say them when I'm stone cold sober. Like I get triggered and feel violated and these things nasty things come flying out of my mouth - even before I can think about it.

I know that, in general, I am a generous, kind, considerate and intelligent person. I'm often told that I'm a good listener. People often share things they don't share with others because I ask open questions and am genuinely interested in them.

I *know* I'm a good person. And yet..

Does anyone have any help in advising me how to understand and control these [verbal] impulses?

DesertEyes

I use to have those same "instant defense" reflexes. Took me awhile with a good therapist to figure out that in my FOO the daily form of interaction was the "put down". All the adults spent their day saying nasty things to each other. Each one trying to bolster up their small ego by making everybody else look even smaller still.

My only defense was to snap back with a nastier reply and then run as fast as I could before things turned physical. That was a great defensive mechanism for surviving that toxic family. Not so good once I grew up and became an adult.

What my therapist had me do was the old fashioned "baby steps". First I changed my approach to interacting with people. I simply closed my mouth and said nothing to anybody for any reason. Whether good or bad. But only for a few seconds in order to give me time to differentiate an "instant defense" from a normal reply.

Only after a second or two had passed and I had a good idea of what my emotions were doing did I actually open my mouth and speak. Ok, so it didn't work overnite. Took me awhile to learn how to do that "pause", but once I got in the habit it worked really well.

Mike

StellaBlu

Thank you this insightful post. I read and reread what you wrote over the past couple of days and am trying to process it all. My first thought after reading this is - maybe I need a new therapist. One who understands ACoA issues better.
My second thought is: I wonder how long it took you to master the "pause" technique. And do you use it in both personal as well as work settings? Is it equally effective in both?
I think I can control my verbal impulses 90-95% of the time in both work and personal situations. It's the 5-10% of the time that I feel is devastating to me.

I feel like I'm crawling today. Trying to understand what I need to do. But at least I can crawl.

Thank you again, Mike. Your words are very much appreciated.

DesertEyes

Every day is different. Some days I'd do great the whole day long, other days not so good. It's just a matter of practice.

Oh yes. I use it all the time with everybody. Keep my mouth shut, take a second or two just to allow my brain to catch up with my reflexes, and most of the time that first response that comes to me is just plain wrong.

Absolutely.

In that case, you are almost done with that particular problem. 5 - 10% more practice and you will be all set

Mike

StellaBlu

Mike, thank you for the encouragement!
It feels like the last 5 to 10% is 90-95% of the work. The 5% at the wrong moment is particularly more devastating than the 90% at some random moment. But I'm trying.
I'm crawling today. The fallout from it is tough for me. My heart is in my stomach as I write this.
sb

StellaBlu

I'm practicing. I think my issue arises particularly in triggering situations - which I haven't in the past week or so. I'm thinking *a lot* about this. I'm trying to 'pause' and check in with myself to see how I'm feeling. I want to master this.