Originally Posted by
DesertEyes 
I use to have those same "instant defense" reflexes. Took me awhile with a good therapist to figure out that in my FOO the daily form of interaction was the "put down". All the adults spent their day saying nasty things to each other. Each one trying to bolster up their small ego by making everybody else look even smaller still.
My only defense was to snap back with a nastier reply and then run as fast as I could before things turned physical. That was a great defensive mechanism for surviving that toxic family. Not so good once I grew up and became an adult.
What my therapist had me do was the old fashioned "baby steps". First I changed my approach to interacting with people. I simply closed my mouth and said nothing to anybody for any reason. Whether good or bad. But only for a few seconds in order to give me time to differentiate an "instant defense" from a normal reply.
Only after a second or two had passed and I had a good idea of what my emotions were doing did I actually open my mouth and speak. Ok, so it didn't work overnite. Took me awhile to learn how to do that "pause", but once I got in the habit it worked really well.
Mike
Thank you this insightful post. I read and reread what you wrote over the past couple of days and am trying to process it all. My first thought after reading this is - maybe I need a new therapist. One who understands ACoA issues better.
My second thought is: I wonder how long it took you to master the "pause" technique. And do you use it in both personal as well as work settings? Is it equally effective in both?
I think I can control my verbal impulses 90-95% of the time in both work and personal situations. It's the 5-10% of the time that I feel is devastating to me.
I feel like I'm crawling today. Trying to understand what I need to do. But at least I can crawl.
Thank you again, Mike. Your words are very much appreciated.