phebe

Shoes!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3

It's so great to read you again. What has kept me away for so long??

I guess my stretch in March '13 was just shy of 2 months. I can't remember why I picked up again (other than the obvious) but I was keeping track back then on the outlook calendar and it just shows that I typed 'end'.. followed by blue dots on days I was consuming. I guess I thought I could moderate, because it shows mostly weekend blue dots and clear during the week. This must have went on till July.

July is when it was all over again. I lost total focus.

On July 13, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer. The whole summer became a tragic emotional blur. We were told he wasn't going to live, maybe weeks. They started him on chemo.

He had been renting a room from a German lady for 10 years +. She didn't want him back. Not if he had cancer, not if he was going to die. She didn't want the responsibility. So on top of the cancer, dad didn't have a home to go back to.

He went to rehab after the hospital... after 1 month he was doing better, enough to send him 'home'. I took him into my tiny 1 bedroom apartment and nursed him. Cooked, cleaned, gave him his meds. He slept on my couch. He's 72.

My brother happened to be on the market for a new apartment for himself as he was between living arrangements. So he scrambled and secured a 2 bedroom condo for the two of them in October. I won't go into all details, as I am very grateful he took my dad in, but there was a lot of turmoil created between us too. He was busy with his new girlfriend, and not with me and dad, that's all I say.

And I was suppose to move to West NY that September... I was delaying and giving up time with my own boyfriend to be there for my dad... spending time with him, cleaning his and my brothers apartment, going to the market, cooking for him, taking him to all his dr's appointments, filling his med box...

My dad had 6 treatments of chemo in 5 months. While we are told small cell is not curable, he actually went into remission. Stunning. And it was the best time ever that I spent with my dad. After years of a luke warm relationship, we got so close.

With dad stable, I went forward with my plans and moved to West NY March 4.

This was suppose to be my fairy tale ending with my Prince charming. We had been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. He offered me a life in his home where I wouldn't have to work. He said he would take care of everything. He is sober, an AA person himself. I thought the drinking would cease.

It got worse.

Adjusting to my new world has been difficult. Being home all day is not as easy as I thought it would be. It's very difficult to make and keep a healthy schedule. When you have to get up and go to work, there is a routine. There is companionship at work. There is something of a 'day' and an accomplishment at the end. Now I do laundry and unload the dishwasher and make the meals. My friends are 2 dogs.

So I took to drinking in the afternoon. About 2:30pm I would pour a glass of wine. Funny how I thought his sobriety would help mine, but it seems to have made it worse. I feel I have to 'sneak a few glasses in' whenever he is not looking. It's about a bottle a day and I feel horrible. Emotionally and physically.

Yesterday is the first day I didn't drink at 2:30. I was sober when he came home. I thought that was an accomplishment. To reward myself, I had a glass of wine before dinner. I didn't feel good after.

So I'm reading here again. I am being conscious again. I don't know if I am going to keep posting or if this will stick, but I'm going to try.

Reading you all again has been wonderful.

360shoes

Switch to green tea Gilmer. It's good with sugar free french vanilla cream in it if you like it a little sweet or just plain cream if you don't. Far far less caffeine but enough to help with keeping headaches manageable. I love it and haven't missed coffee at all. I never got a headache when I switched and I feel so much lighter and not as bogged down when I drink green tea vs coffee.

Nothing against coffee if it works for some. I just feel better with less caffeine. Just me.

360shoes

I'm at work Phebe and have a meeting. I'll be back to you soon! (((Hug)))

Marcher13

Good morning Marchers Paradise is pretty cold this morning, w had a huge gusty icy change overnight but it is sunny and blue.

Sass my sweet I am thinking of you especially today although I think of you several times a day anyway.

Trachy I am so so proud of you! Keep marching!

Life I am so pleased you feel so changed/encouraged at the moment, this sounds very positive -- one day at a time.

Phebe you are making progress, stay with us, we will support you all the way.

Have a good day peeps.

Dee74

Congrats Trach
glad to hear you doing well Life

I really hope you'll stick around Phebe

Have a good weekend to everyone else!

D

Gilmer

It was an absolutely shattering day today. I freaked out in a public place. Sobbed for the first time in 7 years. That actually was kind of good. I made amends as best I could. Tomorrow's another day.

360shoes

What happened Gilmer? You okay?

If it's been 7 years then I think you were long over due for a good cry and you don't need to make amends for that.

Get some rest. We will be here tomorrow. xoxo

lifetplant

Damn, I overslept for my womens meeting this morning. Feeling v annoyed, was really looking forward to that. On the other hand, it's early recovery, my body is crying out for sleep. I'm heading to a meeting tonight and an apparently huge one tomorrow night where someone has kindly offered me a lift.

Phebe. It's great to see you posting again. I'm sorry it's been such tumultuous year for you. Try your hardest to stick with us and get back on the sober train, it is so true the veil of drinking we hide behind masks nothing.

Marcher I know what you mean about the weather, we were so stormy Melbourne almost blew into NSW, I was almost sitting on your living room couch eating your freshly baked cake !

Sass sweet been thinking about you these days, I hope everything is going okay with the move, i've done so much of it over the past few years, I know how stressful it can be.

Bab's where are you, come back my friend.

Big shout out to everyone else.

Much love

LP x

Gilmer

Thanks, Shoes! I blathered all about it in the Undies thread, and now I'm just so sick inside I just can't bear to talk about it anymore.

I went to bed early, but I didn't sleep well--and now I'm wide awake again.

lifetplant

I haven't read the undies thread Gilmer, I keep meaning to pop in and join them. I hope everything is okay though. Sending thoughts, whatever is going on, hope you feel better soon. J x

trachemys

Gilmer, let's consider this in a positive light. You said you didn't like Effexor. Coming off it your emotions are coming back and coming back to something more normal than deadpan. So, maybe this is a good sign. Now what was it I was supposed to share? Too tired to remember today. Worked all afternoon at a golf tournament.

PHEBES! I think I went off the reservation quicker than you did last year. I've been wandering the wasteland and finally came back just last month. Dive in with us, lean on us, wail with us. You don't have to be alone. We're here.

As for the rest of you...I came this close this afternoon. As said above I worked a golf tournament this afternoon. I represent a golf ball manufacturer at charity tournaments. This one was busy. When it was over I had to go find the organizer to wrap up the paperwork. They were just breaking out the food and beer when I walked in. Had two out of four in hand...H and T...hungry and tired. Hot dogs, steamed in beer, yeah, I know that smell. Did my paperwork and ran. I'm headed down the road passing place after place. Chains, private places I've been to before, all manner of good foods, fine beers on tap, exquisite cocktails I've tried before are sliding past the windows of my truck. Now I've got three of four...Hungry, Tired and aLone. So I stopped.

At McDonalds. Got me a large sweet tea for a dollar and right back on the road. Made a beeline for the house. Made me a diet tonic with lime and a bag of popcorn and got on here. Hungry and Tired, I'll cop to. I was never Lonely or even alone. I knew y'all were waiting on me.

Gilmer

That was great, Trach! Glad you're safely ensconced at home now.

Gilmer

Life, I'm glad you'll be going to a meeting tonight, and even getting a friendly lift to the meeting tomorrow night. I am so pleased that you enjoyed a delicious sleep-in this morning.

MeSoSober

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AMIrxx3gx8



(Seriously, I really admire the way you handled that situation! Fantastic!)

Marcher13

Gilmer my sweet friend, it was you drawing me online when I am still at work. I just found your post in the Undies thread and I know how you felt about losing it but it was, in part, your medication that you are coming off. I get defensive about Mum too, I know how frustrating it can be in those medical appointments. Do you have something to do when you are in there? I can't just wait I have to have something to do.

It was very brave and gracious of you to go back in and apologise. Not many people would have had the guts to do that, I don't think I would have. You lost it, you apologised, it's over. Was it coming off the medication? Maybe. Maybe it was stress but the important thing is it happens to all of us. You are human, your emotions overwhelmed you and you let go. We all do it. Be good to yourself sweetie.

Trachy I am proud of you yet again, it is these triumphs that get us along the road.

Life I slept so much in the first few months that I worked out I had almost an extra week's sleep over four months.

Sass so glad about your cleaning decision -- to outsource I mean.

Gilmer

Thank you, Marcher.

Phebe, I feel like you could use a hug, too.

Dee74

D

Duffster

(((Gilmer))) You know what -- you're HUMAN! You had a human reaction to a horribly stressful situation. I guarantee you that's not the first time that staff saw someone get upset in their waiting room. I've come off of anti-ds before and your emotions really are all over the place. Not to mention, you are dealing with A LOT at the moment. So glad to hear you've found a support group - I hope it's helpful for you.

I've lost it in public places over a lot less. It's embarrassing but, again, we're only human. You handled the situation with grace and dignity to apologize. Now stop beating yourself up over a human moment!!!!

Remember the scene in Terms of Endearment when Shirley McLain went off on the nurses (of course you do because it's an amazing classic!!). Anyway, is there a person alive who didn't understand where she was coming from?? You love your dad, you're in an overwhelming situation right now. Please give yourself a break and go easy on yourself.

xoxo

Gilmer

Thanks, Duff.

Duffster

Trach, job well done! I spend a lot of time around golf tourneys and they are pretty much centered around drinking. Glad you kept us all with you and made it through -- how good do you feel this morning??

(((Phebe))) so glad to see you back. Thank you for sharing what you've been going through. Isolation is a tough one. I know you're in a situation where you don't have to work but there are so many options for you to get out of the house.

I have to go mediate a brawl over a puzzle - sigh- it all started out so innocently - lol.