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Old 04-03-2012, 08:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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A letter to my boyfriend

To my boyfriend who is addicted to pain meds,

I've come to realize that I am a co-dependent. *So I owe you an apology. *Lots of them. *

I'm sorry that after the first time you detoxed at your Mom's and stated you'd never go back on them again, when you did, I didn't push enough for you to find an alternative for your back pain, thinking you'd never let it get as bad as it got back then.

I'm sorry that when you did go back on them, and asked that I hold on to them to help you monitor your usage, when you changed your mind, I didn't fight it because of how insistent you were.

I'm sorry that when I learned of how much money you spent on pills, instead of giving me money towards rent, rather than putting my foot down and insisting that you help me going forward, I admired you for coming clean.

I'm sorry that when you apologized that I wasn't getting anything for my birthday because you weren't able to put aside any money explaining that when you're wrapped up in the pill addiction, it's all you can think about, I allowed myself to hurt but let it go thinking I was being selfish if I made a big stink about it.

I'm sorry for turning a blind eye and not realizing things were getting bad again when you told me that someone "stole your bottle out of your car" or that you "ran over your bottle in the driveway" or when you started asking me for some of mine.

I'm sorry for thinking I was being a "good" girlfriend for not totally freaking out on you when you took some of my pain meds without asking, let me think it was your daughter who took them, and we got into a huge fight where we didn't speak for two days and you put me through he**

I'm sorry that I've let you blame my anxiety and insecurity issues more than you should and for thinking that every time you were in a bad mood when you ran out of them and said such hurtful words, I should learn to respect you more when you were in pain

I'm sorry I failed to make a stand for myself when I knew that you took my pocketbook out of our bedroom, brought it outside, and creatively made it look like I dropped it, leaving it in the drizzling rain, where miraculously just my bottle of pain meds were lying on the ground makjng the pills soggy and useless. *I'm sorry I let you think I was losing my mind when I looked all over the house for my bag, knowing I brought it inside because I was already wearing my reading glasses that I carry faithfully in the bag, and because you were so convincingly insistent, I gave you the benefit of the doubt because I simply didn't want to argue yet again. *I'm sorry that I did not confront you the next day when, after testing my pain med bottle under a full stream of running water from the kitchen faucet, seeing that no water can get into the bottle even with this amount of pressure, my heart sank knowing what happened and how you must have replaced my pain meds with wet soggy Ibuprofen (or other pill similar size)

I'm sorry that when my doctor told me he was giving me one last prescription for my own pain meds and that I told you this stating "do not ask me for any, I don't want to resent you", when you ran out as Christmas approached, you became beligerent when I refused to give you any and told me that I would be the reason we have a lousy Christmas and that YOU resented ME.

I'm sorry that I once again turned a blind eye when you started having to buy pain meds again to supplement the prescriptions you were getting (yes, two different pain med scripts from two different doctors) simply because I wanted peace and not be around you when you were miserable.

I'm sorry that on New Year's Eve, when you told me you had to go to a bad section of the city to buy your latest meds, when you were gone much longer than anticipated, when you couldn't answer your phone, and when I was beside myself with worry, bawling my eyes out, I didn't push when YOU got irritated with ME when I suggested there might be a problem because I just wanted to have a nice, quiet New Year's Eve at home

I'm sorry that when I confronted you later about how you were acting a bit unusual on New Year's Eve, a little more hyper, annoying almost, when you told me your seller gave you an Oxycontin as a "gift", I didn't let you know just how much that bothered me and how stupid I thought that decision was

I'm sorry that I continued to give in and give you more of my script, the script I said I wasn't going to allow you to have, and leave me with barely any. *And when you said you'd repay me by having a family member from out of state mail you their script *they weren't using, and lied to me about it getting lost in the mail, I believed you.

I'm sorry that I fronted all of the money for buying your brother and his wife Christmas presents, with the agreement you'd pay me half as soon as the check from your occasional part time job came in, that I believed you - again - when you said it got lost in the mail. *And I'm sorry that I yet again did not flip out and quietly accepted that you spent it all on getting more pain meds.

I'm sorry that I brought home the remainder of my pain meds, hid them in an OTC bottle, and when finding them gone and replaced with "soggy" pills - that you CLAIM to be pain meds - that I am believing you once again, hoping that one of these times you are telling the truth.

I'm sorry for accepting what is not acceptable, including when you took me with you, without my knowledge, to your "friend's" apartment to pick up your latest, a location you told me you never wanted me to be in because of how dangerous the neighborhood was and left me sitting alone in the car because you needed a "break" from our argument

I'm sorry for never actually making a stand on how I feel, letting you know what I expect, the boundaries you have crossed and accepting that the innocence of this relationship has been destroyed. *And I'm sorry for allowing myself to sink so low, thinking I am unlovable when in fact, your disease is what is making you incapable of loving yourself, let alone me.

What is all this about? *I'm sorry that I became co-dependent and enabled you. *I'm sorry that I thought I was strong for putting up with all of this when instead I was weak for not respecting myself more. *I'm sorry that I've blamed you for so much when, what I didn't realize, is that this disease, this hold that the Vicodin has on you, makes you a prisoner and robs you of the beautiful man that I know you are capable of. *It has stripped you of your dignity and assisted you in thinking you're not worthy.

Lastly, what I am NOT sorry for is falling in love with you. *Although I'm not sure what I am feeling at the moment, I do know that I believe in your intentions and wanting to be free from this nightmare. *I will support you as long as you continue down the right path to finding a solution that is not being on pain meds. *I will pray for you while you struggle with this difficult journey and no matter what, I will always, forever, love you.
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:46 PM   #2 (permalink)
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HopefulGF, I hope that you help yourself more, to become less enmeshed in his addiction and maybe more into what's good for you. Have you tried any meetings?

Al-anon, Nar-Anon and CoDa are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us regain our balance and sanity. Maybe give them a try.

Hugs
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Old 04-03-2012, 04:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I think I would like to write a letter like this, it does show ourselves and the addict an awareness of our enabling behaviour. I can relate.
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Old 04-03-2012, 06:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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HopefulGF -- Wow, what a beautiful letter. It so clearly demonstrates how addiction twists a generous, loving heart into unhealthy co-dependence. Thank you for posting this.
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hugs to you. Some of what you wrote I can really relate to. "I ran over my pill bottle in the driveway, my pill bottle got stolen, etc". I just want a quiet evening at home, but he's off feeding his addiction.
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Old 04-05-2012, 06:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann View Post
HopefulGF, I hope that you help yourself more, to become less enmeshed in his addiction and maybe more into what's good for you. Have you tried any meetings?

Al-anon, Nar-Anon and CoDa are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us regain our balance and sanity. Maybe give them a try.

Hugs
There is less than a handful of Nar-Anon meetings in my general area which I'm su rprised since I live near one semi-major city and the 1 or 2 that I could potentially go to, I've either missed because of work and getting home too late or foolishly blew off because I didn't have the energy.

But emotionally, I don't think I can sink much lower and need some kind of help. I reached out to one person I trust and found that she has been dealing with the same thing with her son for 8 years. Sad, so very sad. But it helps to talk - and vent - with someone else who understands so I know now that a meeting would be greatly beneficial. Thank you for taking the time to post.
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Old 04-05-2012, 06:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, even though we are on a "break", my bf is still living with me. He is sleeping in the living room and I have the bedroom. We don't speak but a few words. He decided to detox the day we chose to take a break from each other unbeknownst to me until 2 days later when he was fully into the withdrawals. I think he should have gone the route of the pain mgt. facility where he could have properly had the support both emotionally and medically but since I am trying to break free of the co-dependency, that's not my job to insist.

We actually spoke on the phone yesterday and he told me he's turning the corner (from the withdrawals) and wants to see how he feels (about us) when his mind is clear. Instead of the old me where I would have been excited (like I was the first time this happened), I spit out words of anger, all the while amazing myself that I could even talk like this, showing no compassion, and telling him what a kick in the a$$ it is that *I* have to wait for *him* to figure out what he wants when I wanted HIM to worry about how *I* would feel when this is all done. He took it well surprisingly.

So what did I do when I got home? I gave him the "letter" (the one that I posted on here enitled Letter to my Boyfriend). Boy, what a dummy I was thinking that he would have read it and got how much pain his actions have put me through. I wanted compassion, I wanted a big "I'm sorry", SOMETHING telling me that there is remorse and a human being still in there. But instead he sat in silence for the longest time, staring off, until I finally broke the silence asking if he had anything to say. He asked what I wanted him to say and I responded saying I can't tell him, that it has to come from him.

Well, what he said was the opposite of anything I expected or had stupidly hoped for. He was angry, lashed out at me, said cruel things, and I realized I didn't wait long enough to talk about everything that has happened. He got so angry he left telling me that this has made him want to use again. Until now, I thought that **% of the time, he was using for pain. Now I've even lost that faith. He came back about 10 minutes later, as he only drove around the block to blow off steam and I was beyond crying my eyes out. He said nothing, ignored me, and I went to the bedroom and cried some more.

Now I'm at work, disgusted, hurting, angry. I won't move out because I don't have the money to move I'm so broke. Since he owes me money that I let him borrow for bills (I know, I know, I know how dumb that was), I'm not pushing for him to leave because I want him to pay me back and not use his extra money (yet) for moving. I asked him before the argument why didn't he go to a relative's house and he said he didn't want to put any of his family members through this (his detoxing). Yet it's ok to put me through it.

I know it's not the most productive emotion but I have to stay angry because it's the only thing that's keeping me strong or I'd be falling to pieces. But it's also making me have no compassion whatsoever. I don't want to help him at all even when he asked me the night before to pick him up some things that would help with the detoxing.

Am I doing the right thing by not helping him? I feel so mean but also feel it's necessary for me even though it's a foreign emotion. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
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Old 04-05-2012, 09:59 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Dear, I also wrote a letter to my coke addicted ex. I told him how worried and stressed I felt about his use and how progressive it's going. I afraid that he'd get me wrong and think that I criticize him. So, I wrote that I cared and loved him between paragraph and in the end.

What I got?! He said that I was crazy! Said that he had 4-year relationship before but never got a letter from any ex gf! But all his ex gfs are addicts like him... And he blamed at me; said I was crazy!

I understand how u feel, dear... Pls leave him. I got 5 more months of drama even after breakup. It ended up with the police in Feb.., since then,we went no contact. And im seeing social worker... Also went to psychiatrist as i really afraid if i was crazy(since hr kept saying i was). But it's not true.., I was proved to be normal. now I just start to be fine.
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann View Post
HopefulGF, I hope that you help yourself more, to become less enmeshed in his addiction and maybe more into what's good for you. Have you tried any meetings?

Al-anon, Nar-Anon and CoDa are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us regain our balance and sanity. Maybe give them a try.

Hugs
Ann, I had to come back and re-read this as it renews the strength I need to keep fighting forward. Boy it has been a long, hard, painful and tearful road. When I first came here, there were people here at all stages of this journey and the ones who had been through it all gave me advice I wasn't yet ready to hear. We all have our breaking points and this may sound trivial, but I think we are stronger coming out of these situations when we reach them vs. making the decision before we are ready. If we leave too soon (even though "too soon" is much longer than we should have stayed), we may feel guilty, responsible or any other way that would be so easy to get tricked back into the relationship. But now, where I've had ENOUGH, as much as I love him, I know I cannot go back, won't go back, and I know I won't cave.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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He got so angry he left telling me that this has made him want to use again. Until now, I thought that **% of the time, he was using for pain.
Interpretation: "I'm using drugs but at least now I can blame you for it! Wow! What a relief!"

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Now I'm at work, disgusted, hurting, angry. I won't move out because I don't have the money to move I'm so broke. Since he owes me money that I let him borrow for bills (I know, I know, I know how dumb that was), I'm not pushing for him to leave because I want him to pay me back and not use his extra money (yet) for moving.
A) He's actively using drugs or very near to a complete relapse, so there's about a .00001% chance you'll ever get that money. Chalk up the losses to experience and move the hell on with your healing. B) Are you sure that is your motive for wanting him to stay? Or are you secretly wishing he'll have an epiphany and/or the recovery fairy will sprinkle magic dust and suddenly make him whole again? Again, .00001% chance of either of those those things happening. Ask him to leave ASAP.


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I asked him before the argument why didn't he go to a relative's house and he said he didn't want to put any of his family members through this (his detoxing). Yet it's ok to put me through it.
Yep! And you require very little from him in the way of acting like a responsible MAN...he can pretty much do whatever he wants and he still has a soft place to lay his head at night. Eh, the relative's house probably wouldn't be nearly as cushy, so what is his motivation to leave?

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I don't want to help him at all even when he asked me the night before to pick him up some things that would help with the detoxing.
This is a tactic my son has used with me many times...it's just a hook to keep you emotionally engaged, playing on your sympathies because we codies are hard wired to drop everything to HELP someone in need. They know this. Believe me. Don't invest your energy this way at all. Detach detach detach.

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Am I doing the right thing by not helping him? I feel so mean but also feel it's necessary for me even though it's a foreign emotion. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Absolutely!! You have proclaimed that you are DONE, so BE DONE. He is a big boy who can drive himself to the pharmacy and get whatever he needs. (Oh, wait! Did he also want you to pay for the stuff he needed? )

HopefulGF, you have a codie emergency on your hands. Get yourself to the nearest library (and stay away from the house) and find all you can read about codependency and creating healthy boundaries! Attend Alanon meetings! Go catch up with your family and your girlfriends! Go volunteer somewhere! Do whatever it takes to create as much distance as you can until he is out of the house. Staying engaged with him is only going to confuse you and weaken your resolve.

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.
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Old 06-26-2012, 06:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I am definitely letting go. I've washed my hands of it all. For a moment over the weekend, I saw a glimpse of the man he can be when he's clearheaded and I found myself with feelings. It was so good while it lasted but later that day, I snapped myself out of it and today I reiterated for about the 4th time that we are clear about the move date (this weekend).

The co-dependent me would've tried to sway his decision on getting inpatient care or at the very least outpatient but I realize it's his choice alone to make, even if it's the wrong one.

The co-dependent me would've not pushed him to move out for fear of hurting his feelings or that he may end up living out of his car 'til he found somewhere.

The co-dependent me would try to somehow find a solution to the fact he'll lose his car because he can't make the remaining payments but the most I've done is feel sad.

The co-dependent me would've written him a letter of our memories, how good things used to be, how much I will miss him but that will only keep my heart tied to him.

The new me is detaching and, yes, crying, but reaching out to co-workers who I trust (and lo and behold, they have experienced something similar), planning workouts with other co-workers, taking an extended long weekend and making plans, even if it's to re-do the apartment to make it more of ME (I've been bargain shopping the last month or two and waiting for the day to do this), and planning a nice healthy grocery shopping trip to get all healthy foods in the house.

Yes, he still owes me money. If he moves in with a relative, and once he gets a new job, they have promised me he will pay me back the remainder (them I believe).

But I do have a question - is it ok to still feel sorry for him? I just keep praying that he'll find/choose the right path.

As of Monday, my new life begins. I hope for him it does too.
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Old 06-26-2012, 07:33 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Am I doing the right thing by not helping him? I feel so mean but also feel it's necessary for me even though it's a foreign emotion. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I hope you have resolved to insist he move out--and stay out. As things are, it will only get worse. From what you have stated he may move in with family. They will tire of his antics, too. What then?

My son came out of rehab to live with us. I thought after all he'd been through he'd be on the fast track to sorting out the mess he made of his life. Didn't happen. He reverted to the mindset of living with Mom and Dad who do everything for him. After seven long months of his not doing what we expected him to do, we set him free. He moved in with his girl friend. I said to him before he moved in with her "What will you do if it doesn't work out well between the two of you? This (our home) is not Plan B." He was not happy with my comment--said "Thanks Mom, you're always so negative." I just spoke to his girl friend this weekend. They have been living together for nearly four months and all does seem to be going well for them--BUT at the very beginning he did try to pull something and she told him she should ask him to leave but she'd give him one more chance. I wonder if he thought about our home not being Plan B and he straightened up. She says she is not naive and can read the signs of drug abuse (she's a nurse). I hope she really can and will give him the heave ho should he start to abuse drugs again. In the meantime I told her to be very wary of him. It's only been a year since he went through rehab.

If your boyfriend's family lets him go (or when as they will tire of his lazing away getting high) he no doubt will come crying to be let back in with you. Be prepared. Even if he comes to be intent to fight his battle, then it is better for him to detox and get some recovery help outside your home. The best help you can give him is to leave him to do what he needs to do by himself. You can't motivate him, you can't help him. It is an inside job--his inside job. He'll either sink or swim. Right now I think he is using you to stay stuck where he is. He'll use his family when he moves in with them. So convenient isn't it? Just don't fall for his empty promises. Make him prove himself--swim by himself for a good, long time, before ever entertaining the idea of a relationship with him.
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Old 06-26-2012, 08:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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The more I read, the stronger I am, thank you.

See, the thing is, as upsetting as all of this is for me, how this truly feels like I'm mourning, I realize the biggest reason (out of many) that I'm so upset is that I KNOW on some level this is goodbye. I know that there is a **% probablility this is the end. Even his aunt (one of many) who has taken more of an interest (she is in rehab psychology) said I need to move on. They know I've done more than ever expected or should have and I have all of their support. Not that I would need it to justify my actions but every time my ex said that he didn't want this (the split) or made some 'future' reference, I chose not to comment because inside I knew - for me - it was over.

I don't know what his choice will be come this weekend and/or over the next month, he has the resources, the information, etc. to choose a facility. For his sake, I hope he goes there and not elsewhere. But once he's out, that's it. If we ever (and right now I'm not even entertaining the idea because I can't imagine it) tried again, I still wouldn't let him move back, that's how firm I am. I cannot WAIT to live by myself again and that is a very good sign for me.

Thank you for the support and insight.

My next step is to find a Naranon meeting. They are very scarce around here but hopefully I'll be able to make one next week.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
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The countdown to my ex moving out is 5 days, including today. My emotions are whacked. They are caring one minute, angry the next, and then the tears come when I realize compassion always wins out. Just once, I want to be cold and unfeeling to get me through this. But that's not me. But he's carrying on as if life is not going to change. I don't think he's made any phone calls to the facilities his Aunt gave him. Those few days when he was off the Suboxone (and probably everything) and crying for 3 days straight was the only time he showed how clear headeded he was. He was sorry, he realized what he was losing, knew he had to go to inpatient and that he was not well, etc. etc.. Now that he's back on Suboxone, it doesn't seem like he cares, back to being moody (and I'm sure alot of that has to do with the fact he has no more bargaining with me, the move is imminent), and doesn't appear to be taking this seriously (the need for structured medical care). It's almost as if he is operating with a child's mind.

Thank God I took time off next week for a very long weekend. Now, if I can just stop this awful emotional eating...Does anyone have any advice on how to cut ties with the food that has been feeding the emotions? It's awful!!
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I've never been an emotional eater. When I'm upset I stop eating and start cleaning!

Not that I don't ever eat the wrong things as I do. I eat when I'm feeling good, so for me I don't have anything that I will binge on in the house. Make sure there are no unhealthy foods in your pantry. It's too easy to cave in when the junk food is calling your name. That's why I always waited until the last minute to buy my children's candy for holidays--I couldn't keep out of it!

Another suggestion I heard once was to do something totally unrelated to food when a craving comes--like take a shower. Can't eat and shower at the same time. Cravings only last a short period of time so by the time you get out of the shower they should have passed. People may wonder about your sudden fascination with cleanliness, though!

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing and doing the right thing is usually the more difficult option available to us. Perhaps this is the beginning of your boyfriend finally owning up to his dysfunction and you are giving him a gift of freedom to decide for himself what he wants to do.

Go pamper yourself this weekend. What would you really like to do for yourself? Start thinking about that, planning your weekend, and enjoy the anticipation.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:38 AM   #16 (permalink)
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See, I don't have anything unhealthy in the apartment, if you looked at my place, you'd think a health nut lives there, lol. But...where I work...there is free food here (mostly carb stuff) so it is VERY easy to skip a healthy breakfast and go for the bread stuff. That and not working out has sped up my weight gain. It's almost as if I have no self control. That moment or two when you should stop and think about what you're doing, it's like that piece is missing. And when I'm eating something bad at work, I know exactly what I'm doing but I say "just one more time". Stupid I know. It's not just this issue with my ex that causes this, I've done this off and on all my life. Sooooo frustrating.

But, I am going to think of something fun for this weekend and I'll make sure t doesn't involve food. Thank you
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:46 PM   #17 (permalink)
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There's a difference between being compassionate and wanting to fix everything for him and make it all better.

You can have compassion at any distance. Compassion is good! Compassion is non-judgement and acceptance. Compassion says, "Hey, I know what its like to be human."

Compassion does not sacrifice oneself for the sake of another. That's martyrdom. And what is to be gained?

I'll tell you two things that helped me in the early days was 1) Realizing that my AS could very easily take me down with him if I allow it; and 2) every time I rescue or fix things for him it's like I'm digging his grave. *I* am helping him to die! I guess everyone is different, but I know for sure that it's true in my son's situation.

So for me, compassion means that I treat him with respect and dignity, while giving myself those same gifts. I am not interested in being a martyr or helping my son to die.
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Old 06-29-2012, 12:05 AM   #18 (permalink)
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see, the thing is, as upsetting as all of this is for me, how this truly feels like I'm mourning

I felt that way as well IMO we do mourn.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:08 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
There's a difference between being compassionate and wanting to fix everything for him and make it all better.

You can have compassion at any distance. Compassion is good! Compassion is non-judgement and acceptance. Compassion says, "Hey, I know what its like to be human."
This is what I need to keep doing, thank you. Everything I'm feeling or have felt seems to somehow overlap into one another and it's blurred sometimes. He's leaving tonight and he doesn't know it yet but once he's gone, the locks are getting changed. I still don't know what he's going to do, he's going to his Mom's and looking into a facility near there. I also found out he took a family member's Vicodin from a bottle left out. with everything I've already been through, I certainly don't need any justification for ending the relationship but it just strengthens my convictions.

Anger
Disgust
Betrayal
Hurt
Compassion

That's what I feel but the hurt is getting just a tiny bit less each day and that has to be a good sign.

Thanks everyone for your support up 'til now. It has helped alot.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:45 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I think that compassion is different from feeling sorry for someone.

When you have compassion, your heart feels for them. Perhaps you want to do something for them to ease their suffering.

On the other hand, when you FEEL SORRY for them, you approach them with the attitude that they are unable to care for themselves. It is actually an insult. I have always had this "feel sorry for others" attitude and I know I got this from growing up in an alcoholic home. I have had to learn that this attitude is actually one that says, "I am better, more capable, than you." I have had to learn to allow others the DIGNITY to manage their own lives the way they see fit, to make their own decisions, without me thinking they need my help, rushing in and taking over.
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