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Old 04-03-2012, 08:18 AM
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HopefulGF65
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
A letter to my boyfriend

To my boyfriend who is addicted to pain meds,

I've come to realize that I am a co-dependent. *So I owe you an apology. *Lots of them. *

I'm sorry that after the first time you detoxed at your Mom's and stated you'd never go back on them again, when you did, I didn't push enough for you to find an alternative for your back pain, thinking you'd never let it get as bad as it got back then.

I'm sorry that when you did go back on them, and asked that I hold on to them to help you monitor your usage, when you changed your mind, I didn't fight it because of how insistent you were.

I'm sorry that when I learned of how much money you spent on pills, instead of giving me money towards rent, rather than putting my foot down and insisting that you help me going forward, I admired you for coming clean.

I'm sorry that when you apologized that I wasn't getting anything for my birthday because you weren't able to put aside any money explaining that when you're wrapped up in the pill addiction, it's all you can think about, I allowed myself to hurt but let it go thinking I was being selfish if I made a big stink about it.

I'm sorry for turning a blind eye and not realizing things were getting bad again when you told me that someone "stole your bottle out of your car" or that you "ran over your bottle in the driveway" or when you started asking me for some of mine.

I'm sorry for thinking I was being a "good" girlfriend for not totally freaking out on you when you took some of my pain meds without asking, let me think it was your daughter who took them, and we got into a huge fight where we didn't speak for two days and you put me through he**

I'm sorry that I've let you blame my anxiety and insecurity issues more than you should and for thinking that every time you were in a bad mood when you ran out of them and said such hurtful words, I should learn to respect you more when you were in pain

I'm sorry I failed to make a stand for myself when I knew that you took my pocketbook out of our bedroom, brought it outside, and creatively made it look like I dropped it, leaving it in the drizzling rain, where miraculously just my bottle of pain meds were lying on the ground makjng the pills soggy and useless. *I'm sorry I let you think I was losing my mind when I looked all over the house for my bag, knowing I brought it inside because I was already wearing my reading glasses that I carry faithfully in the bag, and because you were so convincingly insistent, I gave you the benefit of the doubt because I simply didn't want to argue yet again. *I'm sorry that I did not confront you the next day when, after testing my pain med bottle under a full stream of running water from the kitchen faucet, seeing that no water can get into the bottle even with this amount of pressure, my heart sank knowing what happened and how you must have replaced my pain meds with wet soggy Ibuprofen (or other pill similar size)

I'm sorry that when my doctor told me he was giving me one last prescription for my own pain meds and that I told you this stating "do not ask me for any, I don't want to resent you", when you ran out as Christmas approached, you became beligerent when I refused to give you any and told me that I would be the reason we have a lousy Christmas and that YOU resented ME.

I'm sorry that I once again turned a blind eye when you started having to buy pain meds again to supplement the prescriptions you were getting (yes, two different pain med scripts from two different doctors) simply because I wanted peace and not be around you when you were miserable.

I'm sorry that on New Year's Eve, when you told me you had to go to a bad section of the city to buy your latest meds, when you were gone much longer than anticipated, when you couldn't answer your phone, and when I was beside myself with worry, bawling my eyes out, I didn't push when YOU got irritated with ME when I suggested there might be a problem because I just wanted to have a nice, quiet New Year's Eve at home

I'm sorry that when I confronted you later about how you were acting a bit unusual on New Year's Eve, a little more hyper, annoying almost, when you told me your seller gave you an Oxycontin as a "gift", I didn't let you know just how much that bothered me and how stupid I thought that decision was

I'm sorry that I continued to give in and give you more of my script, the script I said I wasn't going to allow you to have, and leave me with barely any. *And when you said you'd repay me by having a family member from out of state mail you their script *they weren't using, and lied to me about it getting lost in the mail, I believed you.

I'm sorry that I fronted all of the money for buying your brother and his wife Christmas presents, with the agreement you'd pay me half as soon as the check from your occasional part time job came in, that I believed you - again - when you said it got lost in the mail. *And I'm sorry that I yet again did not flip out and quietly accepted that you spent it all on getting more pain meds.

I'm sorry that I brought home the remainder of my pain meds, hid them in an OTC bottle, and when finding them gone and replaced with "soggy" pills - that you CLAIM to be pain meds - that I am believing you once again, hoping that one of these times you are telling the truth.

I'm sorry for accepting what is not acceptable, including when you took me with you, without my knowledge, to your "friend's" apartment to pick up your latest, a location you told me you never wanted me to be in because of how dangerous the neighborhood was and left me sitting alone in the car because you needed a "break" from our argument

I'm sorry for never actually making a stand on how I feel, letting you know what I expect, the boundaries you have crossed and accepting that the innocence of this relationship has been destroyed. *And I'm sorry for allowing myself to sink so low, thinking I am unlovable when in fact, your disease is what is making you incapable of loving yourself, let alone me.

What is all this about? *I'm sorry that I became co-dependent and enabled you. *I'm sorry that I thought I was strong for putting up with all of this when instead I was weak for not respecting myself more. *I'm sorry that I've blamed you for so much when, what I didn't realize, is that this disease, this hold that the Vicodin has on you, makes you a prisoner and robs you of the beautiful man that I know you are capable of. *It has stripped you of your dignity and assisted you in thinking you're not worthy.

Lastly, what I am NOT sorry for is falling in love with you. *Although I'm not sure what I am feeling at the moment, I do know that I believe in your intentions and wanting to be free from this nightmare. *I will support you as long as you continue down the right path to finding a solution that is not being on pain meds. *I will pray for you while you struggle with this difficult journey and no matter what, I will always, forever, love you.
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