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Old 03-19-2005, 01:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Do alcoholics really love us?

One thing that's always come to mind is do our alcoholic partners really love us like they say they do and do they realise half of what they put us through and how upset they make us?

Do they feel any guilt when they lie to us about how much they've had to drink/how much money they've spent on drink? Do they even know they are lying in the first place? Do they realise that we know they're lying?

Do they think about things from our perspectives at all? Or are they too wrapped up in themselves and their problem to be able to do this?
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Old 03-19-2005, 01:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I used to ask the same questions.... over and over again.

Now, I don't care what he's thinking, doing or saying. I come first and if he don't measure up, I'm moving on.

MY life is not about him, it's about ME!!
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Old 03-19-2005, 01:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You're right. Are you still with this person or are you with someone else now?
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Old 03-19-2005, 01:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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He lives in his own apartment. We have been married for 15 years. I'm still working on myself. I'll know when I'm ready to move on. I feel it's inevitable, i'm just not there yet.
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Old 03-19-2005, 01:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hello

I am new to this forum. Hi, My name is Lori and I have been married to an addict for 11 years. His last episode landed him in rehab for 10 days, he has been out for5 days and already he has me miserable. He is so selfish in his recovery. It is always about him.
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Old 03-19-2005, 02:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Do they know they are lying?? I think each one is different, some know they are lying but sure they are doing a good job. others do not know. Just my opinion.
Do they love us?? Same thing, some don't know, some do, and prob some don't or can't love.
These are impossible questions in my opinion.

However we see and know of many non drinkers that do not love. Some marriages they just stay for the kids, or don't want to give up lifestyle etc. etc.. I have accepted that there isn't an answer. but I so hate it, that there isn't any way to know for sure. If anyone knows how to find out I hope they answer.
Wishin the Best for you always clancy46
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Old 03-19-2005, 03:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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My AH loves me and his kiddos. But, when he is "in" his addiction, nothing, absolutely nothing else comes before how, when, where, he will get his next drink. It's like they are obsessed and think of nothing else. I like to think of alcohol as the devil. It tricks them into thinking they can't live without it. I also like to think of it as adultry, as they put it before their marriage. It is so sad. I don't know if they are capable of love when using, other than loving their drug.
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Old 03-19-2005, 04:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I think it's more realistic to ask, "Do alcoholics love?"

Just by taking yourself out of it, the answer is, I think, a lot more clear.

The fact is that while using/drinking our behavior is pretty close to sociopathic. Guilt and shame come AFTER...not during, our using.
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Old 03-19-2005, 04:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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My belief is the answer is Yes, they still love us BUT...they have no capacity to SHOW love when in disease.

Love is a verb.....that means its an action word. Addicts and Alcholics are incapable of taking loving action towards others when they do not love themselves.

If they loved themselves, they would not abuse themselves with the chemicals and thier dreaded aftermath consequences.

I love myself today, which is why I take loving actions towards myself on a daily basis by going to meetings, sponsoring people, setting up chairs, making coffee at a meeting and doing service.

When I love myself that way, Im truly able and capable of loving others.

peace,
FOB
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Old 03-19-2005, 06:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I actually shared this observation with my husband today while we were hiking with the kids.

I told him that when he was actively drinking and did things with us, it was more stressful for me. I felt that he was always thinking of other things (beer and whiskey) and even though he was going through the motions of family times, it was not sincere.

Since he has started his journey into sobriety, the difference in our family time is startling. He said today that he was going to take the kids to the park and I realized that I WANTED to go, I WANTED to spend time with him, it is MORE fun when we are all together.

I feel that he has always loved us , however now that he is not drinking, he is really present with us. It is very nice.

So, I shared all of this with him and he just looked at me and said "Really, I had no idea that you didn't want to spend time with me before". DOH!

Jenny
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Old 03-19-2005, 06:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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They love us, they are just emotionally detached. They love the only way they know how. They love and they love deeply, but they don't know how to express it because alcoholism has kept them emotionally imature. If you can live with that, then your ok, if not you need to move on. BUT, they do love you but in their own way and it is a way we may not understand but can accept if we work the program for ourselves.
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Old 03-20-2005, 05:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Daneydoo... someone gave me this passage. It is posted to my computer and I read it every day.


My name is ---- and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behaviour. You can not make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I can not love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat and steal from you. My behaviour will not change and can not change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again.
Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do.


I know this sounds harsh, but it has helped me a great deal. It has allowed me to stop lying to myself and it has helped me to stop being disappointed by him every single day when I raise my expectations each morning. He is who he is and that will not change. I need to stop lying to myself and telling myself that today he will love us the way we need to be loved. It won't happen. That in itself hurts, but not as much as being crushed day after day after day. I hope this helps. Good luck!
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Old 03-20-2005, 07:17 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
I feel that he has always loved us , however now that he is not drinking, he is really present with us. It is very nice.
You know..
Being an addict myself... I tend to cut other addicts a lot of slack in the love department. But.. there are certain things that push my hurt buttons really bad... and when I've tried to address it and leave myself open to more hurt by trying to address it and getting shot down...

It makes me want to shut down.

I've tried to not react... but when I'm blown off on the one or two things that REALLY matter to me... it hurts to the point that I feel inconsequential yet again to someone.

Makes me wanna go numb again.

But... I have all the ghosts of my past transgressions whispering in my ear....

"Payback's a bitch eh ?"


Yeah.
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Old 03-20-2005, 09:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikewench
You know..
Being an addict myself... I tend to cut other addicts a lot of slack in the love department. But.. there are certain things that push my hurt buttons really bad... and when I've tried to address it and leave myself open to more hurt by trying to address it and getting shot down...

It makes me want to shut down.

I've tried to not react... but when I'm blown off on the one or two things that REALLY matter to me... it hurts to the point that I feel inconsequential yet again to someone.

Makes me wanna go numb again.

But... I have all the ghosts of my past transgressions whispering in my ear....

"Payback's a bitch eh ?"


Yeah.
I don't understand your post in response to mine. Does my post make you want to shut down? Can you explain a bit more?

Thank you,

Jenny
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Old 03-20-2005, 09:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
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In speaking for myself, I sometimes wonder if it is love, or just him doing nice things for me and the boys just so he will feel better about himself drinking!
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Old 03-20-2005, 09:47 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Oh You bet they think about it, there is no doubt in my mind that my X-A loves me and our daughter, can they control how they show it? No...Can we control how we react to them? Yes!

Step one for me...I stopped reacting to his actions, good or bad.
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Old 03-20-2005, 10:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikewench
I've tried to not react... but when I'm blown off on the one or two things that REALLY matter to me... it hurts to the point that I feel inconsequential yet again to someone.
Makes me wanna go numb again.
Oh no you don't.
I'll have none of you going numb again.
Feeling inconsequential to someone has got to be one of the hardest hurts to deal with.
Hugs to you from me Bike.
Do addicts love?
Of course they do.
They are human beings with feelings just like the rest of us.
They may not be able to show that love in appropriate ways while they're using, but that doesn't mean the feelings are gone.
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Old 03-20-2005, 10:07 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Sorry...

Was kinda caught up in my own thing there.

But.. what twigged me about your comment was the "being present" part.
So much of the time I feel uncared about. Unheard.

I know that it's immature and I feel like an idiot.

But always feeling like I'm an .... afterthought.



Quote:
I told him that when he was actively drinking and did things with us, it was more stressful for me. I felt that he was always thinking of other things (beer and whiskey) and even though he was going through the motions of family times, it was not sincere.
That as well.
My guy is stoned all the time. And the drinking is always in the wings. Fun time just ain't fun without the booze.

I don't know...

I don't know what to think or feel anymore. It just seems that no matter what I do... I still hurt.

My daughter tells me to become indifferent. The wise women tell me to detach. So... I guess the path to no pain is to just not care anymore.

Doesn't seem right to me...

Anway... I hope this explained my last post. It really brought up the feeling of how it "could" be.

And I know it's very dumb to focus on that.
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Old 03-20-2005, 10:17 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Gabe....

Your post is like salve on my owie... thank you.
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Old 03-20-2005, 10:47 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikewench

My daughter tells me to become indifferent. The wise women tell me to detach. So... I guess the path to no pain is to just not care anymore.

Doesn't seem right to me...

Thats MY big problem! I can detatch just fine, but I feel like I apear to not care about him anymore, and how can you have a relationship like THAT?
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