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Alcohol and Infidelity part 2

Old 10-10-2016, 12:33 AM
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Alcohol and Infidelity part 2

I want to firstly say thank you for the posts.

I am inclined to agree the alcoholism is an addition and illness however the affair which continued for two year so blatantly is a major character flaw. I am struggling now as he is In Rehab and that he now needs to make a decision. Wow when I analysis this he is just a mixed up guy. And I know if he ends with the other woman who is a heavy drinker he will cheat on her to and move on to the next and realistically will the other woman ever trust him knowing she only won him in veils of lies, deceit and betrayal, sometimes I think this kind of women are stupid and cannot see the wood from the trees, but I know that's not my problems. I feel so betrayed and sad but I have taken my self off to Spain to heal myself for a week. It is about me now and I am not going to wait for him to make his mind up .....I will make my mind up and to be honest I am long gone. I don't want to go through life wondering everytime he walks out the door is he going to drink or see another woman.

I cannot believe he is even thinking like this he seems to have compartmentalised me as his wife and has now said he loves up both. I really don't know how considering he was on major drinking binges during his time with her. Yes it is about respect and you are all right he has none for me whatsoever.

I am trying to stop making sense of this and gain an understanding as I know it will screw me up.

I know now that emotional detachment is the answer and just move on for my own sanity.

I will take the time out to heal myself this week even if it's just a tiny bit and to be honest I've been here a couple of days and my mind is clearing.

Thank you guys x

Last edited by SusieJ; 10-10-2016 at 12:36 AM. Reason: S
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Old 10-10-2016, 03:43 AM
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Spain sounds so nice, Susie - proud of you for doing something for yourself.

I used to worry about "gaining an understanding" or "forgiveness", but what it got me was a barrage of blame, and excuses for unexeptable behaviour. I will never understand as to why XAH chose alcohol, drugs, and endangering his own and my health due a meaningless fling with addicted unemployed person.
He had a son, wife, house, nice car. Now he is a 50 years old broke recovering alchy who lives with his brother (next to his mom), sees son briefly twice a month, still as miserable, stressed out and fearful about the future as ever, even without me and son serving as "impediment to life he wanted to have". Go figure.

I hope he gets better. He put me and DS through a lot of pain, but I wish him well in his recovery. I gave up hope for true "I am sorry" that is not coupled with "you contributed to this blah blah".
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Old 10-10-2016, 05:42 AM
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Hi Susie
I'm glad you are " getting out of dodge" to clear your head a bit. Just a heads up, it's going to take more than a week!

Character Flaw. That's putting it mildly. My exabf did the same thing to his exwife. BEFORE he met me. I wasn't any part of that. When we first started seeing each other he had told me "yes" when I asked him the question of whether or not he cheated on his exwife. I should have run for the hills then. What he failed to mention was that it was a 3 year long affair and not only that but when they relocated to a different state he had a 2 year affair with someone else. It's funny ( not funny ) the things you find out about someone after you split up. His friends were more than accommodating with the info. This is obviously who he is.
Character defect? Yeah, I would say so.
Is this the kind of man you want to invest more time in?? I doubt it. Go clear your head girl.... You are on the right track.
Ro
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Old 10-10-2016, 06:12 AM
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Just one thing you should be prepared for. When you tell him you are DONE, there's a good likelihood he will suddenly "decide" he wants YOU, and only you. You may get lots of tears and promises--that he's seen the light, he knows what he stands to lose, he's a changed man, he will make it all up to you.

I'd strongly suggest that if you decide you are DONE, you remember that you will likely hear those things and be prepared to kindly tell him that you wish him the best with his recovery, but you are out of the picture. Telling him this while he's in rehab will allow the counselors to help him process it. His sobriety, and his ability to accept the breakup, is completely up to him.

Some time away sounds great.
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Old 10-10-2016, 06:13 AM
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Enjoy your time in Spain.
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Old 10-10-2016, 11:08 AM
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Just to throw my experience out there--

I decided to divorce XAH when he wouldn't come home and was getting deeper into drinking, drugs, and the OW...

One week after our divorce he married her, our kids were a wreck, and when I tried to discuss it with him he said "things might have turned out differently if you hadn't left". Implying that he and I would still be married and he wouldn't have "had to marry her because he was lonely", as he told the kids. I KNEW that if I hadn't left, he and I would still be married, and he'd still be with her and not coming home. So that's a line of crap.

One of my best friends said the switch flipped in her head when her H said, "I just can't decide who I love more". She said- I'm your WIFE. There isn't a decision to be made here. And she walked away. He married the OW.

In my experience guys like this NEED someone to hold on to. So I second the thought that he may grasp at you as you leave (mine did), but if you stick to it, don't be shocked if he turns up remarried quickly. It has nothing to do with you. And it never will, even if you stay. You deserve so much better!!!

Enjoy your trip!
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Old 10-10-2016, 05:41 PM
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There's a joke in the rooms-- I'll paraphrase because I'm not a good joke-teller: What do you get when a drunk cheater gets sober? The answer, of course, is a sober cheater. You can really fill in anything for "cheater." You get the picture.

C-
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Old 10-10-2016, 06:33 PM
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Susie,
So happy for you that you are thinking about yourself. When you think of all the time he needs to get his shxt together. It is a waste of your time. Plus years and years of always questioning the truth. It is really hard work, working a program and getting sober. If he truly does, he will realize what he lost.

I wasted 34 years (26 married) with my addict. I will be divorced 2 years at the end of October. I am doing really well, but it did take me almost 1 3/4 years to finally go no contact (June 16) . I am so glad I moved on in my life.
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Old 10-10-2016, 09:32 PM
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I think alcoholics are often the types who enjoy "thrill seeking" behaviors.--attention from women, stealing, gambling...you get the idea. And they usually pair up with codependents seeking a simple kind of life.
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Old 10-10-2016, 11:06 PM
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Thank you guys for all the posts and responses. Deep down I know what,I have to do. He's on his last week of rehab and pulling away from me the first week he was in he was telling me how much he loved me blah blah now he's just sending the odd text. He is in contact with the OW (she's one piece of work). And said again he needs to make a decision when he comes out. ....the guy is u believable. But he doesn't need to make that decision because I have and he's out of my life ...I can't look back I wish him well in his recovery but have now u tangled another set of lies.

Apparently he wasn't single when I met him he told me he was and now I found he left his long term partner for me. My whole relationship despite the alcohol has been based on lies and deceit and to be honest do I really know this guy....NO I don't. They are going to be good together wil the OW ever trust him...no and he is going to lead a very insular life having to explain his every movement to her...not my problem anymore.

A appreciate this forum and so glad I found it...thank you
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Old 10-11-2016, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by SusieJ View Post
My whole relationship despite the alcohol has been based on lies and deceit and to be honest do I really know this guy....NO I don't.
Yep. Totally been there. Same with my ex. You come to realize that the whole thing was based on a fraud. Mine all the while swearing I was her only good guy she ever met...was the whole time sleeping with multiple others.
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Old 10-11-2016, 08:22 AM
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My whole relationship despite the alcohol has been based on lies and deceit and to be honest do I really know this guy....NO I don't.
Good for you, Susie, realizing this and acting on it. Leave him behind and move on with your life. You deserve so much better. I agree with Lexie. After you tell him you're done he'll pursue you with sweet talk and empty promises. Stay strong and remember he is a liar and a cheat.
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Old 10-11-2016, 12:33 PM
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Susie,
Good for you. It will hurt and you will have good days and bad. Come talk to us on those bad days and in the beginning there will be plenty. Over time the no contact really helps. Cut phone contact, texting and social media. Tell friends and family you do not want to hear anything about him. It hurts every time his name gets pulled up, so stay N/C.

Sending Hugs Suzy Q, you can do this!!!
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