Daneydoo... someone gave me this passage. It is posted to my computer and I read it every day.
My name is ---- and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behaviour. You can not make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I can not love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat and steal from you. My behaviour will not change and can not change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again.
Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do.
I know this sounds harsh, but it has helped me a great deal. It has allowed me to stop lying to myself and it has helped me to stop being disappointed by him every single day when I raise my expectations each morning. He is who he is and that will not change. I need to stop lying to myself and telling myself that today he will love us the way we need to be loved. It won't happen. That in itself hurts, but not as much as being crushed day after day after day. I hope this helps. Good luck!