meggem

What’s it like on the other side? It is like every fiber of your being shattered into a million pieces of glass. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Whenever it feels like it. Regardless of the apology minutes before or the day before. Regardless of the good day had by all, regardless of counseling and “pretend progress”.

It’s blindsiding. It’s ruined vacations, events, birthdays, weekends. All ruined. It’s confusing and soul-breaking. It’s embarrassing. You realize the whole relationship wasn’t real. I spent years begging pleading threatening sobbing into my pillow crying in the car, crying in the shower, trying to work and function, trying to make sure “nobody knew” what was going on because for a while I wasn’t sure either. I let his addiction compromise who I am as a person. I was dead inside. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t make decisions.

Leaving has taken every ounce of courage I have ever had and although I will prevail, and I will rise above, the wreckage left behind and reviewed in hindsight is tremendous and something I suppose I will have to learn to live with, but I will never ever fully recover from. Once the dust settles I will have to get myself some help to deal with my own trauma which I am sure will take years to unravel. And I have 2 small children that I brought into this world while he was in his full blown addiction because I believed all of his lies and promises to change.

I never thought I would be “that girl”-“that person”

Florence

It's a terrible disease.

I have a lot of compassion for addicts, and so much respect for people who find recovery.

But up close, it's also terribly heart-wrenching over here to be tethered to someone you fundamentally can't trust, and who is always teetering on self-destruction and threatening to take you and everyone and everything you love with them. Finding emotional distance is a must. You have to to survive.

I'm angry at my XAH sometimes. I'm angry at myself for getting mixed up with him too. But it is what it is, and the consequences of the choices I/he/we made are far-reaching.

On the other hand, I'm happier today than I've ever been -- as a consequence of having lived that life and making lifestyle changes for myself also. Counseling, time at SR, learning to meditate and grieve and stop looking for quick fixes.

Recovery is a boon. I highly recommend it.

Croissant

Welcome HollowHell....I'm glad you are not taking anything personally.

I've lived both sides. Firstly, as a non-drinker, with an addicted husband and an adult child of an alcoholic...and sadly, I became an alcoholic in my early 30s after a traumatic event.

There is no doubt, addiction (whether to drugs or alcohol) causes pain to all concerned.

One thread I also find helpful here is reading members threads to alcohol...fellow alcoholics/addicts, taking out their angst and pain at what havoc alcohol has caused in our lives. Maybe you will find it helpful also.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/..._________.html

Lovenjoy

hey hollowhell - are you committed to finding out how to live a clean/sober life? are you done? i hope for your sake that you are, it's a beautiful world out here! you don't ever again need to be the cause of the pain you are seeing on this side of the fence.

i'm from both sides of the fence, i've caused the pain and i've felt the pain. as the person causing the pain to others, well those relationships didn't change overnight when i quit drinking. years of doing the wrong thing couldn't be wiped away just because i put down the bottle. what got me right with my family was true recovery and behaviors over time. actions. you can see from looking on this side here that the biggest damage done is to trust. years of hoping and then losing to the chaos, again. years of trust being broken.

when i really started to recover from my demons was when i wanted better for me, not anyone else and i stopped even considering what/how/when others would know i had changed. i jumped into recovery work as if my life depended on it because it did. i got selfish for the right reasons and learned about myself and how to live a sober life and today i have the trust of family and friends and couldn't be happier.

and now i'm on this side of the fence with my son's issues and the only thing that will make it better is if he grabs recovery with all his might and changes his behaviors consistently for a long period of time. until he does that i can't trust him to be the person he was meant to be and can be if he works recovery. i haven't had to completely cut ties as he is working recovery but from 'listening' here on SR i have an understanding of the fact that if we don't see actions on the part of our loved ones and their sickness continues to make us sick - well yeah, then no contact might be the only way. unless or until they become recovering As, if at all.

i really wanted to reach out to you hollow and commend you on your 14 days and even though it may have been important for you to see what the other side looks like it really is more important for your journey into sobriety to grab recovery and really, really work it. active addiction causes everyone pain. recovery will bring you back into the world and racking up recovery time will bring your family back to you.

best of luck and hope to 'see' you around getting well!!!

Blossom717

Hollow- Congradulations on your 14 days! keep it up!

As for this side of the fence....

My ABF says he hasn't had a drink in 2 weeks now too. But when he says that, the thoughts in my mind are "is he lying?" "if he hasn't, then when will he?" and so on. I'm constantly on edge, that he will walk in the door with a 6 pack in his hand. And I really think he will. He isn't working a program, he isn't working on his issues. That makes me nervous.

I've seen my ABF have that war in his head that you are talking about. Its painful for him, and its painful for me to watch him fight it. We don't want the addicts/alcoholics in our lives to suffer. But we also don't want to suffer anymore either. I don't want my child to be an addict. 4/5 of the kids (abf and his siblings) are addicts to drugs or alcohol. That terrifies me.



I think its commendable that you are reaching out, asking questions. I hope you find your way and that your HP guides you to the life and joy you are to live.

Shellcrusher

Congratulations on your sobriety to date.

Imagine for a moment if the addiction that satisfies your want/need/crave doesn't satisfy your want/need/crave. What do you have now?

Nothing. The want/need/crave is still there.

happybeingme

I am a multi winner as well. Friends and family members that were or are alcoholic and I am a recovering alcoholic as well. Three years ( yay me) Anyway to answer your question I cant completely because I dont know. But, the look in my husbands eyes when I hit bottom will stay with me forever. The fact it took my youngest son almost two years to say I love you too. Tells me a lot.

As far as regaini g support and acceptance from your family dont wait for it. You have to start earning it. With action. Things were so bad here when I finally quit I was grateful my husband didnt through me out.
I dont follow a formal recovery program but felt compelled to make amends to many anyway. One of those people was my eldest nephew. After I apologized for all the times I wasnt there for him and all of my failings I told him

I am going to commit to you that everything I say will be backed up with an action so that hopefully someday you will know you can trust me when I say something.

I work everyday on being the best me I can be and giving the best I can to my loved ones. Hard work? Yep, sometimes. But the rewards have always outweighed any effort I put in

DoubleDragons

I have my own problems with alcohol and so I got sober 10 months ago, mostly because I have watched my mother become a "full blown" alcoholic, i.e. drinking in the mornings, coming to family events involving her grandchildren, late and drunk, yelling at me that she hates me etc. etc. These are things that maybe 5 years ago, I would have sworn on my children that she would never have done. I have used my absolutely devastated, helpless, hopeless feelings about her situation to keep strong in my own sobriety, so in that sense, her alcoholism has been a gift to me. Honestly, though, it is so painful to know that my own mother would easily choose alcohol over me. If I said she couldn't drink in front of my children and me, she would disown us and I know that and my codie father would support her. She would pick a substance that is killing her, destroying everything good that she ever was, over her own child and grandchildren. I never know if she is going to be drunk, on the way to being drunk or sometimes even sober when I talk to her. I have a knot in my stomach wondering if she is going to be "in a good place" before any holiday or family event. I always have to repeat stories and information to her, because she always forgets what I have told her. I have spent a Mother's Day explaining to my four children what alcoholism is because their grandmother arrived to a lovely restaurant in the middle of the day, so wasted that she couldn't speak coherently and fell into a potted plant. My children do not even know their father's father, who was a lovely man, when he wasn't in one of his drunken month long benders. He died at the age of 59 from complications of his alcoholism. Alcoholism sucks for all parties involved. That is why we have to fight with every ounce of everything we have in us to keep ourselves sober. We can't let it win because in the end, it is the ONLY winner when it is active in our lives.

msm

Myhollowhell
Appreciate you wanting to see things from the other side.
Simply remember there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.
All the power to you.

PurpleKnight

I had the pleasure of being on both sides of the fence, so much so they might as well have constructed a gate in that fence!!

Sometimes my head hurts just thinking about the different stages in my life, it's like my childhood was a completely different life, an age ago!!

My dad was an alcoholic as I was growing up, it eventually led to my parents' separation and divorce before I even hit 18yrs old, people talk of normal childhoods, and I'm not too sure what that even is, for me my parents arguing, shouting, my dad being physically abusive to my mum, being woken up with the noise at 2am in the morning on a school night, being tired the next day, that all came with the package as 2 parents came into conflict as a result of alcohol, at that time my mum did the frustrating, trying to change my dad conversations on mine and my sister's behalf.

Then when I hit my twenties I started to try to rekindle some kind of relationship with my dad, not as father/son, but more a loose acquaintance or friend, it was then I got first hand experience of the frustration and powerlessness of those looking in on someone else's addiction, my dad eventually died, having never admitted his drinking or his actions played any part in the destruction of our family.

Fast forward a few more years, the next chapter in my life was dealing with my own alcoholism, I haven't quite worked out the why's, I almost feel ashamed for not being different, but thankfully I've now beaten my own demons and am now committed to Sobriety!!

Both sides of the fence are different in experiences, feelings and emotions, but just as equally horrendous places to find yourself in, for different reasons!!

Butterfly

Devastation, heart break, confusion, hurt, betrayal. I didn't quit on my AH he quit on me and our 2 kids he decided after 18 years that he wanted to be on his own do what he wanted and drink when he wants. I lived with his addiction for 18 years, some periods of sobriety, limiting his drinking but they never lasted long and alcohol became his priority. It was the false promises and lies during our marriage that hurt, all the times he would promise to seek help after a bad binge then within a week the guilt would go and he would convince himself that he could cope on his own.

I turned it inward didn't focus on me and my needs kept it all bottled up, my anxiety increased that he would leave, as he had before to protect his addiction or place to drink, that I wasn't good enough because if I was he would get help stop drinking, save himself and our marriage but no I wasn't enough. Even now 4 1/2 months after he left the pain hurt and emptiness I feel is still very real and raw I miss him and love him so much but he has shut me out chose alcohol over his family!! Alcohol ruined my husband, our family, my marriage, his life and mine!!

Would I take him home.......yes in a heart beat but only if he chose sobriety and attended counselling.

Good luck in your recovery I wish you all the best and the strength you need to continue

lillamy

I think this is your central question:

and I think the answer is -- that totally depends on your friends and family.

When my AXH went to rehab, I was already done. I had spent so many years hoping, praying, nagging, explaining, and finally detaching and started living my own life. There was nothing left of what I once felt for him. I didn't even have pity left. Only anger -- at him, for continuing to drink despite being told repeatedly how negatively it affected his family; at myself, for spending 20 years of my life hoping.

So when he went to rehab, he couldn't understand why people he met in rehab, who had multiple DUIs and prison sentences and had wrecked cars and finances still had their families supporting them when he did not. He asked, many times, what was so horrible with him that I wasn't able to forgive him.

All I could tell him was that maybe I was different than those other spouses and families. After all that time, I simply had nothing left to give, I had nothing left to hope for, I had no interest in trying to hope for all that I had hoped for for 20 years again. There were things said and done that I simply was not able to forgive. Was that his fault? I don't know. I just know I wasn't able to believe or trust that he would stay sober. I wasn't willing to invest more after 20 years of investing in a sinking ship that kept sinking and dragging me down with it.

I do hope you have a more forgiving wife than my AXH did. I don't regret my decision to leave; it was the only thing I could do, and I do have a lot of compassion for him -- from a distance.

I have quite a few friends who are RAs -- some have gotten sober and stayed sober; some have gotten sober and relapsed. One calls me once a year during a relapse because he knows he'll get no compassion but a straight "you know what you need to do. Don't call me and whine. You put yourself into this position and you know exactly how to get yourself out." That's all I have left -- for him and for my ex.

heartbrokenK

I have been with my AH 11 yrs. we have 3 kids. To me it feels like I get a glimpse of the person at times that I promised to spend the rest of my life with. It is hard to look at your loved one and see them lie to your face, over and over. Even more devastating and frustrating to see them lie to themselves. It's the feeling that I will always come last, for how can he truly love me or the kids if he doesn't love himself? It's knowing that the one person I should be able to count on I cant. On this side of the fence it has a lot of pain which has not been dulled by using. My AH has promised many times quit using, each time he would use again it was like it brought all the past betrayals with it. I will say ACTIONS speak so much louder than words. We on this side have heard the empty promises over and over. I trust nothing my husband says..

I congratulate you on the sobriety!! You should be proud of every day!!

NWGRITS

My qualifier is the woman who birthed me. I am motherless by choice. My side now is peaceful. Learning to be an adult at age 31, but enjoying the bumps along the way because they mean that I'm trying. Before? Lots of anger and resentment. Dreading holidays. Being too embarrassed to have friends over. Sleeping with one ear open in case she fell out of bed again or down the stairs. Always having one finger on the emergency call button. Telling my kids to stay in their rooms and not come out until morning. Calling an ambulance for my diabetic grandmother because AM was too trashed to do anything. She didn't remember any of it the next day. The yelling, screaming, being told I was a waste of money. She would've been better off if my sister and I had never been born. Disney World was the most miserable place on earth.

But not anymore. It's peaceful now. And I know that I'll probably never see or speak to her again.

cookiesncream

Hollowhell just wanted to say I'm glad to know I'm not the only "A" reading this forum and reaching out to better understand "the other side." Hubbie is Schnappi who posted earlier. There isn't a day I don't read this forum reading through all the pain and anguish these folks suffer over here due to our bad behavior. I have no doubt that our s/o's are always always on edge wondering about a relapse given the horrible odds and that can't be easy. When I was attending an IOP (outpatient treatment) over and over again I heard people ask "how can I make my significant other trust me again?" Unfortunately there's no magic wand. We will gain trust (or not) based on our actions over time but that timeframe may take a VERY long time. We have to learn to accept and somehow come with our own peace in understanding that our damage will not be undone overnight, if ever.

An active addict is largely unavailable to our partners emotionally and that has got to be very difficult. As we learn to deal with life without the medicating effects of our addictions a lot of us get very very CRABBY. Going from a difficult addict to a sometimes WORSE person in recovery is got to be terribly painful. I admit to have screamed at a therapist three months into mine. I'm coming around and am starting to adapt to dealing with stresses without numbing them but no doubt it is HARD for our families as we do this.

In the end though we can acknowledge and accept the pain we've put them through. For me a relapse would mean being kicked out and that I do not want. However I also respect and think our families have the right to boundaries. We've put them through enough. Finding my own path in sobriety has faced its set of challenges and our significant others are likely often left puzzled by them. I'm trying to find my own path, trying different AA meetings, trying alternatives. I wish all all this wasn't all so hard.

I'm sorry I have now hijacked YOUR thread. I just think if we are addicts that truly care about our families we need to let them feel their pain and anger and bitterness. All I can say is on my side of things I am trying very very hard to read posts on this forum every day and do what I can NOT TO DO the same things or cause the same hurts. Whether I or any addict will ever be forgiven is out of our hands though. We work on our own recovery, acknowledge mistakes and try our best not to repeat them, and try as our own families do to make peace with ourselves.

Good luck. I'll continue to read this thread with interest. Again, sorry for my own hijacking.

Peace

EmmyG

It's hell. It's pure hell. It's a constant lump in your throat, an anxious worry that never leaves. It's the first thing you think of when you wake up. It's isolation. It's goodbye to friends and family because you'd die if they knew the truth. It's humiliation. It's gathering your stuff and waking up your 9-month-old at 2AM to hail a cab in the dark and cold night and carrying your thrown-together bag with you to sleep in a motel because you don't know what state he'll be in when he gets home since he's not answering your phone.

I left. I'll never be the same, but I'm getting stronger every day. He still doesn't get what he's done to us. But just writing that is bringing back those awful feelings...

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and I come over on this side all time.

I want to commend you for starting this thread over here and being open to hearing the other side.

The one thing that has really helped in my recovery is opening my mind up to everything and being willing to hear all views. Whether good or bad.

This will serve you very well. I have found that reading and posting on this side has really helped in my recovery. It truly does keep me humble and reminds me that not everything is all about me and my addiction really does affect everyone around me.

desypete

hi
if you want to know what its like for partners who have suffered living with alcoholics why not pop along to an open al anon meeting or an open aa / al anon meeting ?

i enjoy hearing the other side of the fence storys from partners and it puts most of us alcoholics to shame
but what comes over is there honest love for there partners as there still together and put up wth really horrendous lives,
life has worked out well for them thanks to there alcoholics partners getting help with aa and changing.

but dont get me wrong its not all flowers and roese as you can read from the many posts on here some partners can not take it anymore give up and i dont blame them for one second.

can i ask you what are you doing to try to stay sober and change ? as the bottom line here is if you stay the same they will end up going one day that is for sure.

good luck to you : )

iamthird

Not to be a downer here but I dont think you will ever be able to comprehend the damage that has been done just as I will never be able to understand the addict brain. What is important is self-care and taking responsibility. Do not focus on all the pain that had been caused because it will overwhelm you. Find recovery and work it because it is the healthy thing to do. You cannot do it for your loved ones. You have to do it for yourself. The biggest gift we can give ourselves is being accountable for our own behavior.

redatlanta

I am trying to think how I can write this without it being 5 pages long.

There is something about an A that I feel is a personality disorder within the disease, that part lingers even after sobriety. An ego kind of which makes them think that the world revolves around them. THIER needs are more important, THEIR wants take precedence, THEIR feelings matter the most, THEIR hurts are greater than others. So for me when my husband relapsed this selfish thinking about did me in. Did it ever occur to him what his actions were doing to me? It did not appear that way. He certainly did not ask, and if I lost it in tears it did not evoke sympathy from him rather anger because "I was blowing everything out of proportion".

Here was his viewpoint:
He felt his lies about drinking were ok because he didn't want me to worry.
He felt that I should support his "experiment" because he had a "right" to find out if he could moderate alcohol.
He felt that it was ok for him to drink and drive because "he drove better when drinking and had never had a DUI"
He had been drinking for several months with out my knowledge to prove he could moderate and no I had no reason to be upset rather I should high 5 him for his brilliance.
He felt that 10 years sober and having gone through AA and been a member for many years would help him if things "got" out of control.
Ultimately he decided he was never an alcoholic at all. If he had been a real alcoholic he would have already been "out of control".

Here is my view point of that:
My husband ended up in a 30 day coma on life support at age 38 due to alcoholism. He has chronic pancreatitis. He has type 1 diabetes. He is an alcoholic. He will die. This is the stupidest thing I have every known any person to do and I cannot believe I am married to someone who is so ignorant. This is going to be a horrific death and I don't want to watch it. He is going to get out of control eventually and black out and get violent. he will get a DUI. How can I protect our assets? He is going to hurt one of our animals by stepping on them or letting them out. How can I protect us? If his family finds out they will disown him. He will go into a coma again. He will overdose. He will die.

Everyday, 24/7 ^^^^was all I thought about.

For the months I knew he was drinking I often expected to come home and find him dead. he is also on pain meds for pancreatitis so many times I listened for his breathing while sleeping and got none myself. All the while trying desperately to fix it and praying like I never have in my life that he would stop.

BTW, for the most part he was very pleasant while drinking.

I on the other lived in turmoil. Constant anxiety attacks and fear, lots of crying hidden in the bathroom as not to have the finger pointed in my face of how ridiculous I was being. My panic attacks were daily yet I still had to work, live, be responsible, make money. And I knew it would progress is the thing…I knew what was coming. And it did come. Was he there for me? What about me? There was no me there was only him and his booze which took precedence over everything. It couldn't be reasoned with, it couldn't be argued with, it didn't give one SH!T about me dying inside.

He got sober. I would say the last year has been wonderful for us. I gave up two years of my life to his experiment that is the way I look at it. 9 months to the relapse and 1 year and 3 months to building our marriage back to a place where I trust him 95% because I will never, ever trust him totally again. I can't. Relapse is always possible.

I will not go through another one and he knows this though if he decided to drink again I doubt he would remember that part. I am NOT giving up a portion of my life and living like that ever again. His side of the street is recovery and staying sober and if he maintains that we will die together. That's all I ask, really its all I need.