What’s it like on the other side? It is like every fiber of your being shattered into a million pieces of glass. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Whenever it feels like it. Regardless of the apology minutes before or the day before. Regardless of the good day had by all, regardless of counseling and “pretend progress”.
It’s blindsiding. It’s ruined vacations, events, birthdays, weekends. All ruined. It’s confusing and soul-breaking. It’s embarrassing. You realize the whole relationship wasn’t real. I spent years begging pleading threatening sobbing into my pillow crying in the car, crying in the shower, trying to work and function, trying to make sure “nobody knew” what was going on because for a while I wasn’t sure either. I let his addiction compromise who I am as a person. I was dead inside. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t make decisions.
Leaving has taken every ounce of courage I have ever had and although I will prevail, and I will rise above, the wreckage left behind and reviewed in hindsight is tremendous and something I suppose I will have to learn to live with, but I will never ever fully recover from. Once the dust settles I will have to get myself some help to deal with my own trauma which I am sure will take years to unravel. And I have 2 small children that I brought into this world while he was in his full blown addiction because I believed all of his lies and promises to change.
I never thought I would be “that girl”-“that person”