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Old 02-27-2011, 10:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Why do they disappear?

He (the RABF) has vanished. Poof. Into thin air without warning or explanation.

I was very hurt and sad but now I am seeing how I do not want to be treated. I don't live near him so there is no way of knowing and I don't know any of his friends or family to see if he is alive or dead. He was having a hard time in his program but we were doing well. Then this

IF he contacts me, I don't know what I am going to say. I am pretty confused actually. This is the second time he did this and the first time... it was a relapse. That is my worst fear. I just wonder why they disappear when they relapse? Where do they go? He has no money.

This sucks

I'm holding up pretty well. I have to because I keep my life on track while he attempted to get his together. I was under no illusions. But I am admittedly confused. Yes I am trying to detach but then something will remind me of him and this heavy feeling in my gut appears.

Will he even contact me? (I am not the kind of person that could every do no contact.. I'd rather know he is breathing then not) I am sort of clueless about most of this stuff. Just from what I've read on SR and the bit I got from Al-anon. I honestly don't know how or why they disappear off the face of the planet from those they supposedly love.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I hate when they disappear. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's terrible even when you're pretty sure they're safe.
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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More will be revealed.
No one knows what will happen tomorrow. Or in a few weeks. Or months. Or years.
Meanwhile take care of yourself.
Here and now is all we have.
Hand him to HP.
Hand your feelings to HP.
He is not your child, he is an adult like you, he is not helpless. In fact alkies are among the most resourceful people, from what I have read here/known.
You say you do not want to be treated like this. So, don't be.
In my case I have found everything comes from my abandonment issues thus I unconsciously looked for abandonment from family, friends and of course "partners".
There is a better way to live may I recommend "The Language of Letting go" by Melody Beatty?
HUGS!
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry this has happened, Bb. I know how you've struggled to be supportive, but it's time to take care of yourself.

They disappear because they are ashamed. They DO know they've let people down. Of course, alcohol helps them numb those feelings away, so they are incapable of acting on them.

It sounds like he's just not "there" yet--whereever he needs to be to completely surrender and get well. There's no way of knowing when/if he WILL be ready.

You will find out what happened eventually. I seriously doubt he is dead somewhere (yet). He is probably holed up at a friend's house, or in a motel or a shelter.

It's very hard to give up hope, but you will have to accept that the hope of his recovering in the immediate future is pretty slim. So you should start thinking about where your own limits are. Do you really want to go through this whole deal again? As much as you care about him, can you put yourself through it again?

When my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of liver failure, it was hard to accept that he would rather die, apparently, than do the work necessary to recover. Still, that was his choice and I could do nothing about it. As much as I cared for him (and I still do), I had to get away for my own sake. Yes, it was sad, but much better than having to watch it every day, being helpless to stop it.

Hugs, sorry this has happened.
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Old 02-28-2011, 03:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Alcoholics are selfish. The repeating pattern you can see here on SR: the A is doing whatever they want, and the people that love them are running around worrying and picking up the pieces. The A does not see (or doens't seem to care about) the collateral damage. They cause great pain to other people who they say they love (in the case of my AW, I do believe she loves me).

But in my experience, she lacks the basic consideration to call and tell me she's going to be late, tell me she's OK, etc. That's what I mean by selfish. Another correct word would be rude.

Which makes me feel like: a doormat.

I'm very sorry for your pain, hang in there.
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Old 02-28-2011, 04:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Whenever I start to worry these days--and I'm at the top of the class of worriers--I realize that it does me no good, and does nobody else any good either.
If you can think of a time that worrying fixed ANYTHING, you let me know, and I'll send you a million dollars (as soon as I have that kind of money!)

You get my point. Worrying never solved anything!

As for your own hurt, I imagine it is quite sad to be hurt like this again from him. Alcoholics hurt our feelings, and often enough, w/o even realizing they are doing so! Not necessarily intentionally, but I am willing to bet if we took a poll, there isn't a single person involved with an A that hasn't had their feelings hurt many many many times. If there's one single thing we all have in common--that must be it.

The A in my life has never disappeared on me, but I still feel your pain because I know how they hurt us by being emotionally unavailable.

He will come around, but don't wait for him. More than likely as soon as he sobers up from the latest bender, you'll hear from him again.
LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Don't put it on hold!
Don't hold your breath!
Don't wait one minute for him!
Your life is independent of his, and your life clock doesn't stop ticking while he's MIA !
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Old 02-28-2011, 04:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Why do they disappear?

I can tell you what my ex told me.
It starts with a six pack of beer on the way home (payday - Friday).
The craving would start for crack, he decides he can have one or two rocks and come home.
Smokes those rocks before he gets out of the neighborhood and goes back for 3 more to make it home. "no Biggie." he would tell himself.
Then, after smoking and drinking decides since he is already "in trouble" with me or his mother, he goes all out until over six hundred dollars is gone, (entire paycheck.)
He comes back on sunday morning, crying while pulling up, making excuses, making up stories about being robbed or carjacked, or just saying im sorry over and over and over.

The pattern became obvious, even though my mother in law hung on to some hope for awhile.

They disappear until the substance they use is gone, or they are out of money, and they have no place left to go. They disappear because they dont want to explain themselves or apologize. They disappear because they think they are special,

They don't call, because at the time, they dont care if you are scared or worried.
They disappear to go on a run, a long one with no disapproval.

This is what my ex told me and what i experienced.
The truth sucked, but it set me free.

Beth

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Last edited by wicked; 02-28-2011 at 04:47 PM. Reason: small edits
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Old 03-01-2011, 01:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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This thread really got me thinking - as I "walk" backwards in my life and look for patterns in relationships past...I dated a man about 8 years ago now who vanished. Twice. The first time, he wrote it off to stress and fear, and I decided to believe him. It was only about a month that he dropped off the face of the earth. It hurt my feelings but he seemed so sincere and sorry at the time. We started dating again, I began to relax into the relationship, and then he did it again! This time I was suspicious - and some kind of angry. I left a letter on his apartment door, telling him I expected more from a grown man and if this was the best he could do - then stay gone! I mourned for a while - I genuinely loved the guy but he had issues that I am now recognizing as alcoholism; no wonder he vanished. He did try to contact me about 8 months after I left that letter; sent me an email which I ignored. He never contacted me again after that. And I am so glad for it. Who needs that kind of drama? My RAH never disappeared...although I wished sometimes he would have... he was actually more considerate than one would expect from an alcoholic.

BabyBlue - you deserve better. Someone you can rely on who respects you enough to be considerate of your feelings. Just sayin...
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes you deserve a human being with basic notions of respect.

I used to think "males were like that" but it turns out toxic people is like that (toxic for ME at least). And there are many others who know about respect & caring, those are the ones worth sharing time with because we deserve AT MINIMUM what we can give others.
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You are right Tuffgirl. You said what I've been thinking and how this may play out.

And Leise, thank you for asking How am I doing? I am better but pretty angry at this stage. I found out from a friend that he is in fact still in his program and doing quite well so yes I am truly relieved... and angry.. it is a weird combo.

We haven't spoken in over a month, not a peep. Even when the time of me going down there (HIS idea) came, not a peep. So the weekend came and went. I wrote him (prior to my knowing what had happened) and wasn't emotional or angry, I asked to just let me know he was ok because I am sad and worried.

So to know that he is sitting there, reading my letter and NOT even dropping me a note saying his alive but cant see me really cut me in half.

Recovery or not, there isn't an excuse for being that insensitive. I don't care if the pope himself was giving him counsel, he could have sent me some teeny tiny msg saying he couldn't see me but he was ok.

Don't misunderstand me, I am relieved he is ok. He needs to be doing what he is doing. But he must have missed the lesson on how to be accountable to others or it hasn't come up yet.

I don't know if he will call. At some point he probably will. I don't know what I will say. I do love him but he has pushed me away too many times. I think he freaked out that I was actually going to see him and then realized he couldn't cope with any emotional involvement from me. And I UNDERSTAND but it really hurt that I was so easily (from my end of things) brushed aside.

I have really been there for him. He knows it. I know he loves me but if those feelings are scaring him then he knows I am capable to talk about it and understand if he needs to pull away for a while. Not telling me what he needed and just pushing me away makes me question so much right now. So I am distancing myself and really am in a better headspace than I was a few days ago.

All your responses have been so kind and caring.. they really moved me.

But will he call? And what will he say to all this? That is what I don't know. I only know that I am not writing or contacting until he reaches out to me. If he will. Meh.
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hm, what made you think he had "disappeared"? Just the fact that he didn't respond to your letter?

I assumed someone at the program had told you that he left.

I think maybe you're expecting too much from someone who is in rehab. I'm not saying your feelings aren't normal, but they may not be realistic. Ever since he went in, you have sort of been on tenterhooks worrying about what he's thinking, what he's doing, what he's feeling, why he is or isn't doing this or that.

You get no guarantees. Even if he makes a ton of progress in rehab and makes a ton of meetings and works with his sponsor, there is always the possibility of a relapse. I have a feeling you are going to be stressing out once he gets out, too, watching for any signs that he might do that. Again, it's understandable, but it's going to cause problems for you, and for the relationship.

You are POWERLESS over his recovery. Period. He might make it, he might not. He might make it, and you won't want him anymore, or he won't want you anymore. Those are all possibilities.

Right now, so far as you know, he is working on himself. You need to have a life that will be good regardless whether he stays sober, and regardless whether you continue your relationship with him.

Keep the focus on you. That's the only thing that will ultimately bring you happiness.
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Old 03-06-2011, 03:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You are right Lexie and others close to me have told me the same thing. I posted this when I was pretty down and confused.

I guess I struggle with having compassion but not being a doormat. And I tend to head towards negative thinking when I don't have answers.

I know I need to just stay in the present. Let him work on himself and keep on with my life.
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Old 03-06-2011, 05:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi BB
Being in a relationship or loving a relative with alcoholism is frustrating. The thing I have recognized though is that there never seems to be any 'closure'. You never seem to know what will happen, if they will recover, if things might be different. No promises, not remembering, no commitment, things we probably would expect.
Your boyfriend right now, is not available to you whether he is trying to recover or not. Sometimes it just isnt about whether they love or miss you, its about their addiction. Yes, he could of responded to your note but he may just be so far away from reality that he just cant, who knows. Its hard when we cant get closure, but this addiction is a lifetime thing for him. BB, look after yourself, try not to worry about things and Im sure in time he might contact you if he gets to any kind of recovery.
JJ
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks JustJo, today was a hard day for some reason. His friend sent me a message about how 'well' he was doing and it set me in a tailspin of confusion and sadness. You are right though. I think he wants to be percieved as being much better than he really is. I just want to detach and whatever happens will unfold but I do great and then something will trigger this wave of anxiety and sadness. I had to do what I could to not burst into tears at work.

Oh and true to my people pleaser ways, I catch myself hoping he isn't down or depressed...

arrgh.

Maybe tomorrow will be easier.
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I am better but pretty angry at this stage. I found out from a friend that he is in fact still in his program and doing quite well so yes I am truly relieved... and angry.. it is a weird combo.
(((Babyblue)))

I am sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. The same thing just happened to me last month.

Even when he was using. my ex-ABF of 4 1/2 years never poofed,

Even when I had broken up with him, my ex-ABF never poofed. He always called.

He only poofed after things got better for him and he met someone else.

Looking back, I realize now, that he was always looking for someone else. I was always just a back up plan. I realize now that if he were to call me it would be because things fell through with the girl he really wanted.

I am not saying your boyfriend has met someone else, only that is what happened to me.

Lithloren
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:58 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Lithloren-
This is what happened to me, too....
I haven't seen him for 3 weeks, this past weekend he was at someone else's house...
I have decided I'm giving him up for Lent (and I'm not Catholic)
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Old 03-08-2011, 12:33 PM   #17 (permalink)
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(((AlcoholicLove)))

My heart goes out to you too. It's a very painful situation to be in. I know firsthand.

I recently started reading, "The Rules". I had started reading them right before I met my ex-ABF. I thought my situation was "different", so I didn't listen to what I knew to be true.
In the end I paid for my lack of humility with my heart.

I now think "The Rules" should be required reading right after "Co-Dependent No More" or right after "The Big Book", whichever our dependency might be "The Rules" are not about getting a man, but weeding out the men who are not right for us. They are also about Guarding Our Hearts and becoming more in contact with our femininity.

There is also a forum of wise women who live by these rules. If you would like to go visit this forum during Lent (lol) let me know. I will send you the link.

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Old 03-08-2011, 01:11 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I honestly don't know how or why they disappear off the face of the planet from those they supposedly love.
Ever thought they do it because their addiction is their 'prime' concern.

I know mine was. I did what ever i wanted at times and couldn't have cared less about anyone or anything, as long as i got myself smashed.
Just me and my drink.
When i decided to come back, id have prept loads of excuses and reasons, and they worked... !!!!which just put a thought in my head that it was ok to do it again some time!!!!... and i did, many.

Dont lay yourself out like a door mat :-/

Hope i dont offend anyone, but thats just how it was, and at the time, 'all' i lived for.

Addiction is just selfish, about getting what they want, or they feel they need.

Regards S :-)
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Old 03-08-2011, 01:22 PM   #19 (permalink)
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"I do great and then something will trigger this wave of anxiety and sadness."

I understand this, Babyblue. And I have learned the hard way that the less contact and the less I know about my XAH the less anxiety and sadness there is. I found a direct correlation between detachment and sanity. With detachment came clarity.

This past Sunday I was in the mood to cook and made something nice. I knew my XAH was probably sitting depressed at his place. I so wanted to invite him over for a good meal and to watch a movie. But then I stopped and thought about it. And I said to myself, "Don't stick your hand back in that hornet's nest. It hurt every other time you did it and it will end up hurting now."
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Old 07-07-2013, 01:38 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Confused / new to the game...

I'm 27 and have been married two years. I was with my husband for 4 years before we were married. About 8 months ago things just seemed off... Behavior / physical appearance... He would never admit what was really going on I just knew something was wrong. Finally, he admitted he has a drug problem with cocaine and xanax... It has been a roller coaster ever since. Nights where he says he is taking our dogs out and disappears for a few hours, catching him using, supporting him through his feelings of self hatred, becoming the "punching bag" in the relationship- always the one at fault acc to him... Never good enough for his recovery. He attended NA meetings and therapy here and there but nothing concrete enough.... I feel stuck at a cross roads. His parents know somewhat ab the situation and so I
Am reminded of my marriage vows... I
Am scared to walk away bc I feel I will worry and always wonder what's going on and never be able to have peace of mind...but staying has become so unbearable. The nasty words, sleepless nights, hopeless feelings... The thought of wondering if this will ever end. I wish there was a way I knew what to do. My family is in another state and I am pretty alone where we live... I never thought this would happen to us, I don't know how to accept it or how to ease any of the hurt, fear, anxiety and pain.
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