"I do great and then something will trigger this wave of anxiety and sadness."
I understand this, Babyblue. And I have learned the hard way that the less contact and the less I know about my XAH the less anxiety and sadness there is. I found a direct correlation between detachment and sanity. With detachment came clarity.
This past Sunday I was in the mood to cook and made something nice. I knew my XAH was probably sitting depressed at his place. I so wanted to invite him over for a good meal and to watch a movie. But then I stopped and thought about it. And I said to myself, "Don't stick your hand back in that hornet's nest. It hurt every other time you did it and it will end up hurting now."