You are right Tuffgirl. You said what I've been thinking and how this may play out.
And Leise, thank you for asking
How am I doing? I am better but pretty angry at this stage. I found out from a friend that he is in fact still in his program and doing quite well so yes I am truly relieved... and angry.. it is a weird combo.
We haven't spoken in over a month, not a peep. Even when the time of me going down there (HIS idea) came, not a peep. So the weekend came and went. I wrote him (prior to my knowing what had happened) and wasn't emotional or angry, I asked to just let me know he was ok because I am sad and worried.
So to know that he is sitting there, reading my letter and NOT even dropping me a note saying his alive but cant see me really cut me in half.
Recovery or not, there isn't an excuse for being that insensitive. I don't care if the pope himself was giving him counsel, he could have sent me some teeny tiny msg saying he couldn't see me but he was ok.
Don't misunderstand me, I am relieved he is ok. He needs to be doing what he is doing. But he must have missed the lesson on how to be accountable to others or it hasn't come up yet.
I don't know if he will call. At some point he probably will. I don't know what I will say. I do love him but he has pushed me away too many times. I think he freaked out that I was actually going to see him and then realized he couldn't cope with any emotional involvement from me. And I UNDERSTAND but it really hurt that I was so easily (from my end of things) brushed aside.
I have really been there for him. He knows it. I know he loves me but if those feelings are scaring him then he knows I am capable to talk about it and understand if he needs to pull away for a while. Not telling me what he needed and just pushing me away makes me question so much right now. So I am distancing myself and really am in a better headspace than I was a few days ago.
All your responses have been so kind and caring.. they really moved me.
But will he call? And what will he say to all this? That is what I don't know. I only know that I am not writing or contacting until he reaches out to me. If he will. Meh.