Delizadee

I guess I've been putting this off for awhile. Time to start again. It's been 3 weeks of slogging through the new job trying to taper myself off... yet again. I've become aware of kindling and reverse tolerance... to a disgusting degree. I relapsed at the beginning of April and think I had maybe one alcohol free day in between at the beginning. I get it. There is no go backsies. It's sober up or die. My body and brain have had enough. I knew before I relapsed I wanted to go to detox. I should have before I picked up the drink.
My sticking point is getting to the decision to be done. I want to get back onto the mental side of dealing with sober life and past the physical withdrawals.
I know what to expect now on the other side and it thrills me not at all. I'm slowly poking away at finding counseling because it's become clear to me what I'm dealing with once the alcohol is removed. Years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar. I think I may have some elements of that to deal with... but over all I know now and have suspected for a very long time I have borderline personality disorder. I'll await a professional diagnosis but the traits all fit me to a T.
There is less rationalizing with my sober brain than my drunk one, or so it seems to me right now. Just mass panic, paranoia, black and white thinking, suicidal ideation, eating disorder, compulsivity and obsessive issues, extreme avoidance problems, feeling empty, detached and zoning out.
I kept waiting for the sun to break free in my mind and forcing the positive feelings while I watched my classmates doing well. I couldn't get it to click in my head.
Looking back I realize that I've been dealing with this for as long as I can remember in life. The only time I can remember getting a reprieve from my brain is when I was pregnant and nursing, my assumption is all those good mommy hormones brought some normalcy to my head that was never there before.

I don't know, maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Which is alright. It just is what it is. I feel so pessimistic or ambivalent towards existence, it kind of doesn't seem to matter long term if I drink or am sober or if I'm here or I'm not.
The overall feeling is that I'm here to be used at everyone's will and that I'm incredibly destructive to anyone I care about in my life so that's the price I pay for being me, unlimited use and abuse. So... what is the point?
It's easy to fix a drinking problem. Apparently I can't medicate away a personality disorder (well I know from experience... suicidal tendencies.) And getting the help I need has been hard enough to come by to begin with. Bpd feels like a life jail sentence. For me and everyone who 'loves' me. I just keep cutting off the few remaining family and friends because I don't know how to deal with anything.
So. I'm just about done my daily allowance which will be 2.5 drinks for the whole day and yesterday was 5. This by far has been the most miserable form of maintenance drinking and tapering off ever. I'm leaning now towards CBT or DBT if I can find a therapist who covers my range of issues near me. My group opportunities have just completely fallen away. I'm basically a full time single working parent with no friends or family to watch my little one or money or access to a sitter to go to the night meetings. Which sounds like a load of bull **** because I've managed to keep drinking all this time. But it seems as tho getting to the meetings always falls through trying to rely on my coparent for child minding duties or support payments.
It's all quite a load of garbage on my end. I should have tried harder when I had the time to do it. There's a lot of limitations here. In terms of mental health. There's a lot of addictions help... in short term form. Because we are deeply entrenched in substance abuse in our area. I found it really hard at times to be taken seriously. Because I'm young, white, I look and act appealing while being polite and well spoken and have a good sense of humor to diffuse tense situations. I'm educated well on what I'm going through so I can talk the talk. I don't look like a lot of the people who get into really bad trouble from their substance abuse. I get really mad and shrug off therapy because no one knows how to handle me. I don't even know how to handle me. I remember being in detox and so thrown into the programming and one of the coordinators hugging me before I left with tears in her eyes telling me I didn't belong there. Yet that was the only place I had felt safe and understood in in such a long time. I didn't want to leave.
I am about as skid row as it gets between the ears, it does not matter how you package crap up, it's still crap.
I have a tazmanian devil in my head. In my combined total of 11 weeks of sobriety in the past 7 months I know what I'm in for and I just don't have it in me to fake my way to positivity in sobriety this time. I've lied to myself enough to know better than to believe my own bull shevik anymore.
I don't want the fence. I don't want the grass on either side. I don't want the sky or the dirt or anything else. I just want to sleep or die or disappear. I hate being in my head. I finally reached out to a therapy group via email tonight.
In 9 hours I had 4 drinks. I know I can do this.
Just beyond it. I don't know. I dread getting back to a month or two in and feeling so emotionally dead inside or just tired that ending seems like the best option. At least the drinking game gives me something to do and occupied my mind with something other than the gaping void that has existed there all my life.

Well, whatever... I guess I've outed myself now. Being that I've cut off every single other support I have in my life I figured coming back and posting again was as good a place as any to start. One thing I know that's disastrous is when I shut down and shut everyone out, I hole up in my head with my paranoid delusional thoughts full of panic and rage. I need to stop this. Stopping is gonna be a long process.

Just don't want to do it.
I will get there. It will take time.
I hope anyways. Sorry for the rambling novel.

Dee74

I'm glad to see you Del

I think everyone was meant to be happy.

It was impossible for me to be happy while I had any kind of relationship with alcohol.

Even after I quit it took me a few months to get rid of the pessimistic, dark, cynical vision I had of myself and the world.

Things got a lot more optimistic again after that
D

Hawkeye13

It takes some real sober time for the fog to clear--I wouldn't assume you
won't feel better until that happens.
Sometimes we expect too much too soon.
I know I did--but over time the rewards started showing up
and that timetable is different for everyone.

Glad you are back and ready to start again.
You can find peace

waywardson8260

I do think everyone should be happy. One thing you can do now is to lose the alcohol. After staying sober for a while you can go from there.

entropy1964

Aw Deli I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. I relate. I don't know how much consecutive sober time you have had, but for some of us it can take 6 months to start to normalize. Alcoholism really does cause brain damage, period. Thank goodness for neuro plasticity....the brain can and does heal. And a good psych knows this. Diagnosing most alcoholics is pretty hard in the first 3-6 months because our condition can cause all the symptoms of a lot of mental illnesses. And even when addicts are given meds, we often drink with them which renders them ineffective. Sooo what to do? Quitting is the only way...and you know that.

I think many here, including myself, have been right where you are. I used to hate the 'fake it until you make it' concept. It made me angry because I just thought that by quitting I 'should' get the results I need, and fast. But happiness is a choice.

Please get help. Suicide is not a way out, you know this. And killing oneself is actually very hard....I know this from experience. And you have a child who loves and needs you.

You do have choices. You just have to be willing to see them.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing Delizadee. I've found that sobriety is not a "cure" for my psychological issues either, but as you realized you cannot get better while you are still drinking, it simply isn't possible.

I think we also as addicts have a problem in defining what "happy" really is. We crave instant gratification and life simply does not work that way, or at least not for long. We want a pill or a drink that will just magically make any pain or discomfort melt away so we feel perfectly at ease, pain free and free off any responsibility. And therein lies the problem-life is simply hard at times.

I hope you can explore your psychological issues and find a good therapist that you can work with. For me, talk therapy and self-led practices like mindfulness and meditation, exercise and goal setting to feed my body/mind/spirit each day has helped tremendously. Certainly some can also benefit from medications but a good therapist/doctor can help determine that.

Glad you've gotten this all out there and hope you can take the next step to making it better. You do have a choice in this remember.

madgirl

I do think everyone should be happy. - eh, that looks like a directive.

Is this better? I think everyone can be happy.

I understand and empathize - you are not alone in feeling this way. It'll be 70 days for me later on this week and emotionally I'm either actively "blue" or flatlining. I find myself avoiding interacting with friends or extended family - I think because I am terrified that I am hypersensitive and just all "wrong" so attempting to engage in relationships is just too hard right now.

It sucks! Just last night I went for yet another frigging walk and when I got home, I found myself crying - I guess because I miss the "escape" alcohol offered (at least initially) from ME. Ha - there's a radiohead song with the line "I'm trapped in this body and I can't get out" - yup. That's it.

All that being said, I am choosing to have faith in objective facts versus how I feel (which is crappy and confused). Maybe we just have to plow through a good bit of time feeling like this??? But completely sober!??? I think so - !!!

Delizadee

Thanks all I know I have a choice in it. I rrally need to work on a plan for dealing with my mental health issues with a professional so hopefully that will be forthcoming . It's a beautiful day and going to try and make it day one again.
I started reading on DBT last night and going to work on some of the ideas outlined there until I can get some guidance. I'm just extremely distrustful of my own thoughts no matter what they are. It doesn't take much for me to swing from feeling ok to feeling suicidal or raging. I seem to be able to control the impulse to act out self harming behaviors but I don't know how to stop the mood shifts and concurrent thoughts. I have to stop making excuses and do.

biminiblue

Del, the mood shifts and dark thinking goes away with continuous sobriety, like everyone is saying. Continuous.

A lot of physical healing has to happen in the brain, central nervous system and the rest of the body. It takes time. It's just going to be uncomfortable for a while and you have to slog through it. There is help for the psychological and spiritual part but not drinking is the only first step.

Hang on!

Delizadee

Scott I totally hear you on the instant gratification. Although it's become more of a craving for instant relief or a really screwed up sense of having control. Where I can kind of control my drinking, my eating disorder is out of control, I've lost another 5 or 10 lbs this month and I just cannot seem to get a grip on it at all. Gambling and spending money I can't afford. Carrying on with men far younger than me. I have a great list of coping tools that I can't seem to stick with. My head just wants an escape so goes to old standbys and whatever is easiest.

Mad girl I suppose we shall forge on... that's about all I know how to do. I don't even know about happy but I'd settle for learning how to stop my thoughts and feel just ok for little bits at a time. I've spent 3 years just completely strung out and constantly in crisis mode.
I know from previous years of sobriety where I was miserable and suicidal and searching with no luck for the help I needed that if I don't find some good help for my overall life I'm never going to figure out how to make the good things stick. Not sobriety, healthy living or healthy relationships. I tried really hard to get to an ok place for 5 or so years in my early 20s. Couldn't find help so tried to do it on my own with self work and books and Internet help. I couldn't do it. So I went back to drinking.

Anyhoo. I shall see how this week goes and keep posting. Thanks for your kind words everyone.

thomas11

Hi Del, I guess I had no idea you were battling a war on several fronts. Just want to let you know I always enjoy your posts and support you 100% in getting better. We kinda are all in this together right?

Delizadee

Thanks Jeff, I really appreciate it.

I am going to get back outside of myself and post more again because supporting others does help me a lot.
I'm no special snowflake I really want to have what's going on inside match what I'm portraying. I often feel like a fake and as though, I get it but can't function the process long term.
I'm an all or nothing person and tend to keep everyone shut out or at arms length because I'm highly suspicious of people's motivations. I have a hard time opening up genuinely in groups or therapy because of it.
Today I'm working on mindfulness and trying to wrap my brain around the Teflon mind concept.

I'd like to try cold turkeying all my bad behaviors. I've attempted a few stabs at it but I often get overwhelmed and into catastrophizing thoughts.

I picked up a few tools to try today. Blasting loud music. Throwing myself into house and yard work. I've got gum and coffee, water, pop, smokes and candy. Touch, tastes and smells all covered. I read that gripping a sharp hard object like a desk corner hard can help to stop thought processes. I'm basically treating every thought that comes into my head av style- basically it's just a thought and has no power. We'll see how well this works.

2ndhandrose

Del

I just read this thread and your honesty about yourself is beautiful.

I have read other posts by you and you have great insight.

frankster

[QUOTE=Delizadee;5965263]

Looking back I realize that I've been dealing with this for as long as I can remember in life. The only time I can remember getting a reprieve from my brain is when I was pregnant and nursing, my assumption is all those good mommy hormones brought some normalcy to my head that was never there before.

I'm going to throw out an idea. Maybe you felt peaceful because you were immersed in the love of the mother child bond. Perhaps at that time you seen yourself as useful and your "self love" was at a peak. I didn't hear much self love in your post.
I'm early in recovery but I've realized hating myself is a big piece of my puzzle. I wish you well.

madgirl

Well as a relative newcomer I think it's refreshing and very helpful to read posts which are honest.

I just got back from a two hour hike and am about to go and mow the grass - it sucks to be so uncomfortable in your own skin and head, but the hike and even something like mowing grass has a zen quality to it - drowns everything out.

Delizadee

Well I emailed a therapist group last night and they already responded to me via phone today. I was shocked. I've been set up with a counselor for June 2nd one who has qualifications to help cover my erm, broad range of issues. She uses a mixture of therapies including DBT and CBT and they call it.... I dunno. I can't remember. Let's call it woowoo for now til I get a feel for it. The downside is its in the wrong town and twice as far away. But I scheduled it for after payday.
Now the trick is to get myself there.
Just getting the phone call sent me into a tail spin of panic. I HATE that. I don't answer numbers I don't know and I never check my messages.
I am seriously amazed that I get to work and do my job every day. That I have the capacity to leave the house astounds me. How physically and mentally crippling this anxiety is at times.

Still alcohol free today. Feeling like crap anyways thanks to a second round of stomach flu and cold or allergies... along with detoxing. I'd really love for the anxiety to go away. Goals. The cravings are not that bad. I know I will feel better a bit if I drink, and for a while. But the crash a few hours later stinks.
If I could have drank like this before... we'll that's a pretty pointless thought. But seriously I'd have gotten pats on the back and put people at ease for staying in control.

But no, all the stupid wreckless shiz I did and brought upon myself I have to keep it hidden. That and dealing with the addiction itself and my head.
I want to one day get to a point where I feel ok enough to not lie about my feelings thoughts and actions. Pretty bad when you don't trust a single thought or emotion in your own head as real.

Loud sounds are really helping today. I'm just tired and want to sleep all the time.

Thanks everyone for your input and support I appreciate it so much and just having a little corner where I can get the garbage pile out of my head and try to find some bit of order in the chaos.

entropy1964

I'm just extremely distrustful of my own thoughts no matter what they are.

I totally relate. I have realized in spades that most of my thinking, when really entrenched in my addiction or PTSD, is completely distorted. No reality what so ever. Sometimes I forget who I am, or where I am (PTSD) and that can be alarming to say the least. I have had that happen for up to about 10 minutes. Talk about panic. Anyway, I digress. I have to question every negative, self defeating, self harming thought I have. I think, for me at least, for now, that is healthy. Not to the point where I'm paralyzed, but where I'm asking myself "Okay, what evidence is there of (fill in the thought)?"

Delizadee

Thank you for sharing Frick!
I've been thinking on your post and this thread since I read your reply. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself.
I have a really hard time explaining how I feel a lot of times and always feel like I'm coming up short with my words. I tried to draw a parallel to it...
It's like knowing I'm capable, intelligent and artistic enough to take a trace by number picture, connect all the dots and turn it into a masterpiece of my own. However I seem to always hit a bump somewhere in the middle where there's a bunch of dots or numbers missing, and I get lost in the great white void of personal interpretation. I can see the beginning, connect the dots to such a point and build up my own steam, then I get utterly lost when left to my own devices... even if I can see the path or the ending clearly. I get engulfed by the void, can see little else, can make no sense of the nothingness, I try and retry doing the middle in different ways eventually, only to be left angry, unsatisfied, frustrated. I can start it over only to get stuck again, I can start from the end and work my way back. I can try doing it in pencil and making multiple copies. I can sit there and think and plan and analyze, I can get group input, I can forge blindly ahead and tear right through to the end. And then if I'm left with anything. If I haven't given up and walked away, I'm left with a senseless mess and total waste of time and work.
This is what my head feels like all the time. Every day. There's a piece missing- more than just a void I'm trying to fill- that I can't quite 'get it'. There's a disconnect that occurs for me so often. A switch that turns off on my head. Like when I look in the mirror what I see is disconnected to how I work internally. Trying to maintain not even a positive or productive thought pattern but just a functioning one is a huge deal for me every day all day long. It's exhausting and extremely frustrating knowing that I'm a capable, mature adult who is completely out of control of her own thoughts. The black and white, paranoid, shifting on a whim thoughts and feelings are also tiresome and frustrating.
I know a lot of it has to do with the abuse I've put myself through and been put through.
It's kind of good getting this out before my therapist appointment. I may email my posts or print them and bring them with. Therapy ain't cheap... I hope that I manage to get some safeguards in place to keep myself going. I have a long standing habit of seeing nothing through.

Unfortunately all this stuff is having a huge impact on the relationship with my kids. More on that another day.
It's extremely uncomfortable writing this all out.

Delizadee

Well I finally broke free of the overwhelming, debilitating constant anxiety from the drinking. One drink yesterday. I think I can confidently call today day 1.

Time2Rise

Great you can make it through today without a drink Del.