Thanks all
I know I have a choice in it. I rrally need to work on a plan for dealing with my mental health issues with a professional so hopefully that will be forthcoming . It's a beautiful day and going to try and make it day one again.
I started reading on DBT last night and going to work on some of the ideas outlined there until I can get some guidance. I'm just extremely distrustful of my own thoughts no matter what they are. It doesn't take much for me to swing from feeling ok to feeling suicidal or raging. I seem to be able to control the impulse to act out self harming behaviors but I don't know how to stop the mood shifts and concurrent thoughts. I have to stop making excuses and do.