Well I emailed a therapist group last night and they already responded to me via phone today. I was shocked. I've been set up with a counselor for June 2nd one who has qualifications to help cover my erm, broad range of issues. She uses a mixture of therapies including DBT and CBT and they call it.... I dunno. I can't remember. Let's call it woowoo for now til I get a feel for it. The downside is its in the wrong town and twice as far away. But I scheduled it for after payday.
Now the trick is to get myself there.
Just getting the phone call sent me into a tail spin of panic. I HATE that. I don't answer numbers I don't know and I never check my messages.
I am seriously amazed that I get to work and do my job every day. That I have the capacity to leave the house astounds me. How physically and mentally crippling this anxiety is at times.
Still alcohol free today. Feeling like crap anyways thanks to a second round of stomach flu and cold or allergies... along with detoxing. I'd really love for the anxiety to go away. Goals. The cravings are not that bad. I know I will feel better a bit if I drink, and for a while. But the crash a few hours later stinks.
If I could have drank like this before... we'll that's a pretty pointless thought. But seriously I'd have gotten pats on the back and put people at ease for staying in control.
But no, all the stupid wreckless shiz I did and brought upon myself I have to keep it hidden. That and dealing with the addiction itself and my head.
I want to one day get to a point where I feel ok enough to not lie about my feelings thoughts and actions. Pretty bad when you don't trust a single thought or emotion in your own head as real.
Loud sounds are really helping today. I'm just tired and want to sleep all the time.
Thanks everyone for your input and support
I appreciate it so much and just having a little corner where I can get the garbage pile out of my head and try to find some bit of order in the chaos.