Scott I totally hear you on the instant gratification. Although it's become more of a craving for instant relief or a really screwed up sense of having control. Where I can kind of control my drinking, my eating disorder is out of control, I've lost another 5 or 10 lbs this month and I just cannot seem to get a grip on it at all. Gambling and spending money I can't afford. Carrying on with men far younger than me. I have a great list of coping tools that I can't seem to stick with. My head just wants an escape so goes to old standbys and whatever is easiest.
Mad girl I suppose we shall forge on... that's about all I know how to do. I don't even know about happy but I'd settle for learning how to stop my thoughts and feel just ok for little bits at a time. I've spent 3 years just completely strung out and constantly in crisis mode.
I know from previous years of sobriety where I was miserable and suicidal and searching with no luck for the help I needed that if I don't find some good help for my overall life I'm never going to figure out how to make the good things stick. Not sobriety, healthy living or healthy relationships. I tried really hard to get to an ok place for 5 or so years in my early 20s. Couldn't find help so tried to do it on my own with self work and books and Internet help. I couldn't do it. So I went back to drinking.
Anyhoo. I shall see how this week goes and keep posting. Thanks for your kind words everyone.