Clarity12

Hi everyone,

I'm addicted to Kratom and clean 12 days. Before this relapse I was clean for a little over a year. I went back and forth for the last year, never getting more than a month free. I'm pissed off and ready to do this for real. I think got that year on my own willpower, because I wasn't working any kind of program and kind of just went crazy with work. I accomplished quite a bit in that time, and have continued to get **** done for the past year (mostly). However recently I have noticed things starting to fall apart- like the beginning of an epic downward spiral. It's hard to describe but its like this sick sinister dark cloud has been following me for months now ready to take me down.

I do indeed have a lot to lose- a wonderful, beautiful wife, a research fellowship at an elite institution, and a loving family. The thought of throwing it all away literally haunts me- it's my worst nightmare. My dad did just that- ended up so far down in the hole that he couldn't escape and killed himself. I hate thinking of it because I haven't dealt with it and I get very sad thinking about it.

I'm doing this the right way this time- I am fired up and ready for a war literally. I have come to believe that my addiction is the defining battle of my life, and as such I am taking aggressive action NOW. There is no question in my mind anymore- I am truly an addict.

I worry that I haven't hit the bottom- not even close. On the surface everything looks great, but my inner world is in turmoil. I feel so low. I hate how much I have let Kratom rule my life. Is it necessary to hit "rock bottom" to truly change? I sure hope not. All I know is that I desperately want off this train to hell. I know eventually the Kratom will not do it for me anymore and the default choice then is real opiates.

The purpose of this post is to make my commitment official in my head- I have managed to stop the using (took a couple tries to get to 12 days this time- seems like 10 days is my bottleneck- after which I can build momentum) but I know the real work is still ahead of me. You all will be seeing a lot more of me, and wish you all the very best.

OpioPhobe

My "rock bottom" had more to do with inner turmoil than outside conditions. The outer conditions were deteriorating, but that wasn't even close to the inner hellhole I was trapped in. I often hear people say that your bottom is when you choose to stop digging.

Dee74

Welcome back Clarity

D

Clarity12

Just sitting here bored out of my mind with my wife watching her play Fallout 4. I'm ok with being bored though, it sure as hell beats feeling like I have a demon inside me. It's amazing how soon after quitting that the self loathing stops! If nothing else I'm grateful for that.

sugarbear1

We can always dig deeper....rock bottom is death.....

Glad you are committing to sobriety now.

Love and hugs to you!!

Clarity12

Just checking in here- day 13. This morning I have this general uncomfortable feeling in my body. Just feel as if I haven't showered in a week even through I took a shower this morning. Kinda weird.

For the first time in a long time I had a real genuine conversation with my wife- not just day to day logistical stuff but actually big questions like God and church and kids and stuff like that. I don't really think I believe in God, but I have come to the conclusion that maybe it's worth another look. If anything, I sort of came to a conclusion that even if one doesn't believe in God, there is still a benefit to going to church. Being part of a community, having something to go do every Sunday morning, getting involved in the community- these are all good things for people like me who need another way of life. So I'm probably going to try it out. It's really weird how now all of a sudden I'm thinking about church. I even dug out my Bible from storage and have been reading it lol.

Anyways, just wanted to check in and document my journey. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and I wish you all the very best.

four812

Keep up the good work!

Soberwolf

Hiya Clarity

Clarity12

I need to be accountable for this and get a hold of it. In addition to the Kratom/weed I've also been taking Modafinil daily at the normal dosage (200 mg). This has been going on for roughly 2.5 months. My stupid addict brain, after a month off kratom this last botched attempt, convinced me that I could be more productive and less tired all the time on Modafinil. I was for the first few days, then the extra energy just kept me up late at night playing video games. Soon after that started I'm on Kratom, weed and Modafinil. So First I stopped Kratom 13 days ago, then weed 3 days ago. I know the Modafinil is gonna have to go too, and I worry the longer I keep taking it the more of a shock it will be when I drop it, so its has to be soon. Just needed to be honest. Oh what a lovely hole I have dug myself into.

finaltime

you can do it. dump it, get through the detox then do a program to help you manage. stay strong.

doggonecarl

It's good you are quitting your drug of choice, but clean means clean. If you weren't prescribed Modafinil, you are abusing it. The sooner you quit, the better.

finaltime

how are you doing? check in with us if you can. thinking about you. one thing I need to do is be honest with my cheering squad around me. Thats my family. I haven't been honest with them lately and trying to do things by myself. That doesn't work. You think you could be honest with your wife? Talk soon.

Clarity12

My wife is well of aware of everything I do. I try my best to hold no secrets from her, and she definitely knows what I'm going through. She's a normie though, so I'm not sure she really understands it. She used to say I don't have a problem, but I think she's starting to realize I do have a problem. She tries to be supportive, which is all I can ask for at this point. She's seen me through two relapses, and I don't want to let her down again.

Clarity12

I definitely hear you there. I'm just trying to get at least a modicum of strength back before I drop the Moda. But I fully agree, and I don't actually consider myself fully clean yet. It's coming in the next few days. Please hold me to that! I'm trying not to shock my body too much by dropping all 3 at once. I think I'm just about ready for another adjustment. Hell, I'm gonna try to talk myself into stopping tomorrow. Too late for today as I already took 200 mg. The thing that has sucked the most in the past dropping the Kratom was the lack of energy, which the Moda is certainly effective for. I gotta have some guts here....

Clarity12

Looking at my previous post, and thinking about it, I'm ready. Well, maybe not fully ready, but willing. I can't trust my addict rationalizations any more. I'll update tomorrow. Thanks for the nudge, Doggonecarl .

I should probably just throw the rest of it out right? Any suggestions in case I'm having major energy issues? It may not be that bad only having been on it 2.5 months at normal dosages. I'll just have to wait and see.

doggonecarl

Deal with it. I don't know what else to suggest. What would you do if you got the flu? Or broke a leg? Take off from work. Rest. Don't put too much on your plate. Withdrawal sucks. But this can be the last time you go through it.

As addicts we want instant gratification...we want to feel good right away when we get high...and we want instant recovery when we quit. It doesn't work that way.

OpioPhobe

Clarity12 - I have come off of amps and heroin at the same time and dealt with the fatigue. Other times I detoxed from heroin first and kept using the amps. The fatigue was about the same either way to be honest. If anything, it helped with sleep to stop the amps at the same time as heroin. That is just my personal experience as it relates to detox.

From a recovery perspective, you will have the added boost to your self-esteem of knowing that you are actually clean if you stop everything right now. Coffee helped me get through the early days when I was quite fatigued. I am going through my own bout of fatigue right now, and I am going to force myself to do some exercise today. That always seems to help too.

Clarity12

Hi guys,

As I promised, no Moda this morning. This is the true Day 1 for me. Here I am at work digging out some motivation to get started.

I have been formulating a plan. Church on Sunday, I have a meeting set with the pastor on Monday and an addiction counselor on Tuesday. I've been running every other day for the last week, and would like to get into a routine of taking a run each morning. Need to get committed to AA/NA meetings but I'm having a hard time fitting that in with my work/research schedule, which is pretty intense.

Anyway, just wanted to update. Thank you all for your kind words.

Clarity

finaltime

Awesome. awesome. awesome. I have been right where you are at more times than I can count. I have detoxed cold turkey off of opiates where I was so sick I was laying in bed for days and days, couldn't sleep, shitting myself, puking, shaking, sweating, and the mind games..oh my god the mind doesn't stop. you sound like you are ready, and when I go for it, I just dump it all and get through the worst. I know how it is to get the body rid of the toxins. Once that battle is passed, its time to work on the mental part. that is why they say ONE DAY AT A TIME> the meetings and a program is something that I put everything into at the beginning, because I have learned that i a not successful without... and its freeing to me to focus on something other than my doc and how I am feeling. I just go to work, meetings, do what they say. exactly what they say. for an addict to surrender and go through the motions its better for me.. this is in my opinion.

so proud of you.

Clarity12

Day 2 checking in here. Just feeling very tired and meh. Yesterday didn;t feel much different besides crashing earlier than usual. Looking forward to my meeting at 7. Feels good to be clean. Thanks guys.