Ok this time for real
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Agreed. Nice post TB.
Clarity...
Thanks for the update. Glad to see you're still follow the steps and I appreciate the honesty of where you are at in the process.
I had seen a therapist a few years ago and she had brought up that very same hole. She said it sounded like I was trying to fill it with drugs. I wish I had explored it deeper at the time. But instead, I ended up digging myself deeper and deeper. I stopped going to therapy.
Something that has always resonated with me when talking about that hole:
1. I was using drugs to fill it.
2. Maybe that's a hole that is reserved for God. This also resonated with me, but I never did anything about it. Well... Besides ask God for mercy when I was balls deep in alcohol addiction. I think I owe it to myself to at least explore it. Right? What can it hurt?
3. That hole may have been created by living a life that is disjointed from one that I am capable of living....or would rather live. That I had built a life with misc parts and pieces that don't fit together and thus leaving gaps. This also resonated with me.
4. It's a black hole my subconscious made in an attempt to forget about issues it doesn't want to deal with. I've "erased" part of who I am, then I filled that void with poor choices, which sort of redefined who I am. To fix it, I need to reboot to an earlier version then deal with those issues the right way and fill that void with healthier options.
At the end of the day though, I can tell you without a doubt, in MY world at least, this hole is the basis of my drug use. And given my age (1mo away from 50), and all the years I've lived the way I have, I'm guessing I have multiple holes I'm trying to fill. That in reality, I may have all those issues listed.
Thank you for posting your thoughts. I had forgotten about it. I feel strongly that's what I need to fix. I'm making plans to see a therapist starting in January.
Clarity...
Thanks for the update. Glad to see you're still follow the steps and I appreciate the honesty of where you are at in the process.
I had seen a therapist a few years ago and she had brought up that very same hole. She said it sounded like I was trying to fill it with drugs. I wish I had explored it deeper at the time. But instead, I ended up digging myself deeper and deeper. I stopped going to therapy.
Something that has always resonated with me when talking about that hole:
1. I was using drugs to fill it.
2. Maybe that's a hole that is reserved for God. This also resonated with me, but I never did anything about it. Well... Besides ask God for mercy when I was balls deep in alcohol addiction. I think I owe it to myself to at least explore it. Right? What can it hurt?
3. That hole may have been created by living a life that is disjointed from one that I am capable of living....or would rather live. That I had built a life with misc parts and pieces that don't fit together and thus leaving gaps. This also resonated with me.
4. It's a black hole my subconscious made in an attempt to forget about issues it doesn't want to deal with. I've "erased" part of who I am, then I filled that void with poor choices, which sort of redefined who I am. To fix it, I need to reboot to an earlier version then deal with those issues the right way and fill that void with healthier options.
At the end of the day though, I can tell you without a doubt, in MY world at least, this hole is the basis of my drug use. And given my age (1mo away from 50), and all the years I've lived the way I have, I'm guessing I have multiple holes I'm trying to fill. That in reality, I may have all those issues listed.
Thank you for posting your thoughts. I had forgotten about it. I feel strongly that's what I need to fix. I'm making plans to see a therapist starting in January.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
Feeling the Stink
Hi Guys,
I've been having trouble today. I keep praying to my HP to not use today but I am a bit scared. I don't know whats gonna happen today, I have a stack of long reports to grade and using to make it easier sounds so nice. I don't want to though! I do, but I don't. It would feel nice for the short term but I know I will hate myself tomorrow if I throw away 2 months. I'm gonna keep praying but damn. I feel a little crazy today.
I've been having trouble today. I keep praying to my HP to not use today but I am a bit scared. I don't know whats gonna happen today, I have a stack of long reports to grade and using to make it easier sounds so nice. I don't want to though! I do, but I don't. It would feel nice for the short term but I know I will hate myself tomorrow if I throw away 2 months. I'm gonna keep praying but damn. I feel a little crazy today.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Well... I can tell ya what will happen of you do. Yeah... You might be disappointed if you use again. Maybe. More likely though, you'll reason with yourself that you'll only use when you grade. And from there, you'll go back to daily use, and you'll use more than ever before.
You'll put off quitting because you won't want to go through acute withdrawals again. You'll be lying again and you'll most definitely feel like the biggest loser on earth.
If you don't use, on the other hand, you'll be uncomfortable for a few hours, then you'll feel renewed, confident, and proud of yourself.
What your feeling is temporary. It'll pass in a time span that can be counted in hours. Maybe even minutes. But if you use, you can bank on counting that in months.
Try playing the tape forward. Visualize the worst case scenario if you do use. You've been down this road before, it shouldnt be too hard to imagine the possibilities.
Hang in there. You've done a crap load to be where you are. It's absolutely not worth repeating all that again just so you can face this exact moment again. Push through it once and for all and get it over with.
You can do it!
You'll put off quitting because you won't want to go through acute withdrawals again. You'll be lying again and you'll most definitely feel like the biggest loser on earth.
If you don't use, on the other hand, you'll be uncomfortable for a few hours, then you'll feel renewed, confident, and proud of yourself.
What your feeling is temporary. It'll pass in a time span that can be counted in hours. Maybe even minutes. But if you use, you can bank on counting that in months.
Try playing the tape forward. Visualize the worst case scenario if you do use. You've been down this road before, it shouldnt be too hard to imagine the possibilities.
Hang in there. You've done a crap load to be where you are. It's absolutely not worth repeating all that again just so you can face this exact moment again. Push through it once and for all and get it over with.
You can do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
Thanks guys for your encouragement. I had a meeting with my sponsor's sponsor today and did some stepwork. Looks like I made it through the day without using. Still have the work to do but such is life I guess. So glad I didn't use today.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Good for you. You'll find the next time you're faced with the same situation, the trigger won't be as strong. I found they become exponentially easier.
Unfortunately, I've had plenty of experience quitting things. The cravings cycle all seem the same. The 2 month mark is no fun at times. But I found once you break through it, the skies really open up. You're going to feel awesome and freed. You'll appreciate times when Kratom doesn't even enter your mind. You'll start facing triggers much more easily.
There's usually another bump at 3 months. So it may not be completely over. But my experience, and many others that have shared theirs, find new plateaus after each bump like that. Wait and see. Very shortly you're going to have a new spring in your step.
Unfortunately, I've had plenty of experience quitting things. The cravings cycle all seem the same. The 2 month mark is no fun at times. But I found once you break through it, the skies really open up. You're going to feel awesome and freed. You'll appreciate times when Kratom doesn't even enter your mind. You'll start facing triggers much more easily.
There's usually another bump at 3 months. So it may not be completely over. But my experience, and many others that have shared theirs, find new plateaus after each bump like that. Wait and see. Very shortly you're going to have a new spring in your step.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
Update
Yo.
So to update I almost relapsed on Modafinil the other night but didn't. I found some stray pills in a suitcase and seriously considered tucking them away for a rainy day, but ended up just throwing them in the toilet. So I'm here still completely sober at 2.5 months in. Things are getting easier little by little, and there's still a bunch of life that I'm getting used to without being numbed. I'm meditating around 2 hours per day now, which I think does more for me than the 12 steps. Honestly I'm growing sort of disillusioned with the whole AA/NA thing. I would rather spend my free time meditating than go to a meeting. I still have one that I go to every week and have a service position, but I feel like I get more out of daily rigorous meditation than meetings.
One weird thing that I don't know how to bring up with my sponsor- I've been getting high- without drugs. I'm really into meditation and have made considerable progress. I'm reaching a point where I can sometimes enter a state called Jhana. Jhana is an altered state of consciousness brought about by intense concentration during meditation. It's extremely pleasurable- the only way to describe this state is like a continuous full body orgasm with the joy of getting an awesome gift or a huge promotion or what have you. I can't always reach this state, but I'm confident that with continued practice I will be able to enter this state whenever I want. Hence, I would rather work on this than go to meetings. I've done a lot of drugs in my life, but Jhana is right up there with my first time doing ecstasy. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. I don't really feel guilty about my euphoric meditation experiences because there's no drugs involved and I'm not hurting anyone. The only thing it costs is my time and effort.
I've had other very interesting experiences with meditation that don't involve blissful states, but are compelling nevertheless. These sorts of things have been known for thousands of years by Buddhists. I hesitate to talk about this at meetings because I'm afraid I will be judged or misunderstood.
Anyways, my experience with meditation has instilled a confidence in me that the Buddha was onto something, so I sort of consider myself a Buddhist. This whole thing obviously relates to my higher power. I just can't get this across to my sponsor because he sees meditation as just something to calm the mind, but I have seen what is possible and I know this is more important to me than meetings and the traditional 12 step model. I still have every intention of doing the 12 steps (I'm on step 4 right now), as I think they greatly complement meditation and the teachings of the Buddha. But for me I think meditation is my main tool and the 12 steps are complimentary. Being around meetings long enough, I have gotten to know people who see the 12 steps as the only way, and seem to shun anything brought up that seems to help people but doesn't involve the steps directly, and this has very much turned me off to the whole thing. I don't think I have to attend a meeting every day, but I know I have to meditate every day.
I'm wondering if there's any other dedicated meditators on this forum who could perhaps relate here. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, but it's the biggest thing on my mind lately.
So to update I almost relapsed on Modafinil the other night but didn't. I found some stray pills in a suitcase and seriously considered tucking them away for a rainy day, but ended up just throwing them in the toilet. So I'm here still completely sober at 2.5 months in. Things are getting easier little by little, and there's still a bunch of life that I'm getting used to without being numbed. I'm meditating around 2 hours per day now, which I think does more for me than the 12 steps. Honestly I'm growing sort of disillusioned with the whole AA/NA thing. I would rather spend my free time meditating than go to a meeting. I still have one that I go to every week and have a service position, but I feel like I get more out of daily rigorous meditation than meetings.
One weird thing that I don't know how to bring up with my sponsor- I've been getting high- without drugs. I'm really into meditation and have made considerable progress. I'm reaching a point where I can sometimes enter a state called Jhana. Jhana is an altered state of consciousness brought about by intense concentration during meditation. It's extremely pleasurable- the only way to describe this state is like a continuous full body orgasm with the joy of getting an awesome gift or a huge promotion or what have you. I can't always reach this state, but I'm confident that with continued practice I will be able to enter this state whenever I want. Hence, I would rather work on this than go to meetings. I've done a lot of drugs in my life, but Jhana is right up there with my first time doing ecstasy. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. I don't really feel guilty about my euphoric meditation experiences because there's no drugs involved and I'm not hurting anyone. The only thing it costs is my time and effort.
I've had other very interesting experiences with meditation that don't involve blissful states, but are compelling nevertheless. These sorts of things have been known for thousands of years by Buddhists. I hesitate to talk about this at meetings because I'm afraid I will be judged or misunderstood.
Anyways, my experience with meditation has instilled a confidence in me that the Buddha was onto something, so I sort of consider myself a Buddhist. This whole thing obviously relates to my higher power. I just can't get this across to my sponsor because he sees meditation as just something to calm the mind, but I have seen what is possible and I know this is more important to me than meetings and the traditional 12 step model. I still have every intention of doing the 12 steps (I'm on step 4 right now), as I think they greatly complement meditation and the teachings of the Buddha. But for me I think meditation is my main tool and the 12 steps are complimentary. Being around meetings long enough, I have gotten to know people who see the 12 steps as the only way, and seem to shun anything brought up that seems to help people but doesn't involve the steps directly, and this has very much turned me off to the whole thing. I don't think I have to attend a meeting every day, but I know I have to meditate every day.
I'm wondering if there's any other dedicated meditators on this forum who could perhaps relate here. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, but it's the biggest thing on my mind lately.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
STEP 11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
I relate to a lot of what you said Clarity because I too have been meditating daily for a good 6 months now (before that is has been kind of off and on for years) and it has done wonders for me. I don't think your meditation conflicts with anything in the program. On the contrary. I think the path to finding God (or your true purpose in life at the core of your being or Higher Purpose as I like to call it) is a very personal journey.
Something that I had to actively seek out and found through meditation. It really is no one else's business but my own what my God / Higher Power / Higher Purpose is. When I learn to trust in that purpose which in its simplest form is doing the next right thing opinions of others on the subject no longer bother me. I don't feel the need to convince anyone that I am right or wrong because I just know for me it is right. It goes well beyond faith and develops into complete trust. When I look at it as a personal journey for each of us I am no longer bothered when someone has a different view. I actually appreciate when I can tell someone has found that connection (whether it be Jesus or Buddah or Nature or anything else under the sun). They found what works for them.
Anyway I think I know where you are at. I would just say stay opened minded. The other steps only help strengthen this point. Developing self awareness and doing an inventory and working on myself are not only brought about through meditation, but also the other steps and meetings and the fellowship.
Anyway sounds like you are on your path and I am happy for you. Sure beats where you were 3 months ago right? Be grateful! You can truly learn to choose happiness. Interesting how you can incorporate the eightfold path and four noble truths into the 12 steps too. Lots of similarities there!!! :-)
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
I relate to a lot of what you said Clarity because I too have been meditating daily for a good 6 months now (before that is has been kind of off and on for years) and it has done wonders for me. I don't think your meditation conflicts with anything in the program. On the contrary. I think the path to finding God (or your true purpose in life at the core of your being or Higher Purpose as I like to call it) is a very personal journey.
Something that I had to actively seek out and found through meditation. It really is no one else's business but my own what my God / Higher Power / Higher Purpose is. When I learn to trust in that purpose which in its simplest form is doing the next right thing opinions of others on the subject no longer bother me. I don't feel the need to convince anyone that I am right or wrong because I just know for me it is right. It goes well beyond faith and develops into complete trust. When I look at it as a personal journey for each of us I am no longer bothered when someone has a different view. I actually appreciate when I can tell someone has found that connection (whether it be Jesus or Buddah or Nature or anything else under the sun). They found what works for them.
Anyway I think I know where you are at. I would just say stay opened minded. The other steps only help strengthen this point. Developing self awareness and doing an inventory and working on myself are not only brought about through meditation, but also the other steps and meetings and the fellowship.
Anyway sounds like you are on your path and I am happy for you. Sure beats where you were 3 months ago right? Be grateful! You can truly learn to choose happiness. Interesting how you can incorporate the eightfold path and four noble truths into the 12 steps too. Lots of similarities there!!! :-)
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Man... How cool is that!
Being a guy, it's in my blood to offer advice. Even when I don't live what I preach. That being said, just go all in with AA and meditation. You've made some astounding progress so far. You're getting closer and closer to not only freedom from drugs, but from the constraints you've placed on yourself over the years. Not to mention constraints from others.
Imagine having a keen sense of what your purpose here on earth is supposed to be and actually following through with it. Imagine having that path clearly visible. Able to see not only where to plant your next step, but many steps ahead.
Finding myself and my purpose is huge for me right now. I'm one of those who hit bottom and destroyed everything and everyone around me. It was nearly 3yrs ago I hit bottom and I'm still dealing with the loss. Not sure where to go or what to do with my life now.
From the beginning, your posts have struck a chord. I'm probably a few years ahead of you in both age (1wk away from 50) and with battling addiction. I've quit plenty of drugs, thank God nothing hard core. I've chronically abused pot, alcohol, phenibut, bath salts, pain pills, and kratom. I've quit them all, but that's all I've done. I'm basically a dry drunk. That's ending now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... Put a nail in this coffin once and for all. I don't sense you're looking to leave AA, but I sense a little pressure coming off the gas peddle. The battle against addiction has just begun. The hardest part is over, but there's still much to learn and do.
As far as what to say or how to tell your sponsor.... Just tell him straight up. Don't even think about how to say it. If he, or they, don't like it, then they can kick you out. Take it or leave it. I bet anything they'll take it.
A MAJOR part of addiction, as you know, is the lies. And that includes holding back what's in your heart. We hold back for fear that others will think less of us, amongst many other reasons. Lying and hiding can be considered the core of addiction. At an absolute minimum, it allows addiction to continue and it allows drug use to reoccur.
Let this be an opportunity to snuff that addictive behavior. It's a step towards absolute freedom. The path is getting easier to see. Your next step can be to move you forward, backwards, or off the path altogether.
Saying what's on your heart is moving forward. Not saying anything is holding you back. Lying about it altogether would take you completely off the path.
It's time for another big step forward!
Being a guy, it's in my blood to offer advice. Even when I don't live what I preach. That being said, just go all in with AA and meditation. You've made some astounding progress so far. You're getting closer and closer to not only freedom from drugs, but from the constraints you've placed on yourself over the years. Not to mention constraints from others.
Imagine having a keen sense of what your purpose here on earth is supposed to be and actually following through with it. Imagine having that path clearly visible. Able to see not only where to plant your next step, but many steps ahead.
Finding myself and my purpose is huge for me right now. I'm one of those who hit bottom and destroyed everything and everyone around me. It was nearly 3yrs ago I hit bottom and I'm still dealing with the loss. Not sure where to go or what to do with my life now.
From the beginning, your posts have struck a chord. I'm probably a few years ahead of you in both age (1wk away from 50) and with battling addiction. I've quit plenty of drugs, thank God nothing hard core. I've chronically abused pot, alcohol, phenibut, bath salts, pain pills, and kratom. I've quit them all, but that's all I've done. I'm basically a dry drunk. That's ending now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... Put a nail in this coffin once and for all. I don't sense you're looking to leave AA, but I sense a little pressure coming off the gas peddle. The battle against addiction has just begun. The hardest part is over, but there's still much to learn and do.
As far as what to say or how to tell your sponsor.... Just tell him straight up. Don't even think about how to say it. If he, or they, don't like it, then they can kick you out. Take it or leave it. I bet anything they'll take it.
A MAJOR part of addiction, as you know, is the lies. And that includes holding back what's in your heart. We hold back for fear that others will think less of us, amongst many other reasons. Lying and hiding can be considered the core of addiction. At an absolute minimum, it allows addiction to continue and it allows drug use to reoccur.
Let this be an opportunity to snuff that addictive behavior. It's a step towards absolute freedom. The path is getting easier to see. Your next step can be to move you forward, backwards, or off the path altogether.
Saying what's on your heart is moving forward. Not saying anything is holding you back. Lying about it altogether would take you completely off the path.
It's time for another big step forward!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
Update
Still clean/sober, have 109 days now. Just having weird feelings today. Like I'm not in a bad mood but I'm romanticizing using today for some reason. Like the **** would make my day better. I know that's completely false, but if I could somehow forget all the recovery programmed into my brain and stepwork and committment to being clean, just for a couple hours, and just bask in using for a couple hours without the guilt that would be there from letting my recovery go, then it would be awesome. Like if I wasn't an addict for a few hours and I could just use and enjoy it. But recovery has ruined using for me. I probably wouldn't enjoy it at all. So I guess I'm nostalgic of the times I used before using became a huge problem for me. There was no guilt or shame in using. Now it would suck.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
That kind of thinking is completely normal Clarity. Completely irrational too based on our history, but that doesn't make it any less real. Recovery has also ruined it for me thankfully. I went down the just once more road too many times. It used to sound appealing, but always lead to a dead end. A dead end with a steep cliff. You are doing great! 109 days is a very long time and you should be proud, but also a very short time and it will only get better if you stick with it.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
6 months in guys.
**** I thought I was free but now I've been craving again. Meditation is tenuous and not very gratifying lately. I have grown disillusioned with meetings and the program and just feel like there's no way out of the daily struggle of life. I know this is just my mind but it feels so real and hopeless.
**** I thought I was free but now I've been craving again. Meditation is tenuous and not very gratifying lately. I have grown disillusioned with meetings and the program and just feel like there's no way out of the daily struggle of life. I know this is just my mind but it feels so real and hopeless.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
how long were you using before you quit this time? These feelings are normal if you were coming off a lot of dope. I recall a time where even at 5 months I was feeling like I was walking on the side of the cliff. That doesn't give you much hope but you can know that these drugs do a lot of damage to our brain. To our normal thinking skills.
I must say I have to use the program when it comes to my stinkin thinking. I know that my head is messed up and 99% of what goes in this brain of mine is fear based and not real.
I know the meetings are getting to you. I wish I could help more. I am right back into a time in my life where my program is not where it should be and I can feel myself getting crazier. I do the NA program/
Hang in there. Keep posting. Do something nice for yourself.
I must say I have to use the program when it comes to my stinkin thinking. I know that my head is messed up and 99% of what goes in this brain of mine is fear based and not real.
I know the meetings are getting to you. I wish I could help more. I am right back into a time in my life where my program is not where it should be and I can feel myself getting crazier. I do the NA program/
Hang in there. Keep posting. Do something nice for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Dee74 
6 months is great Clarity 
We can crave, from time to time, but the real strength of our recovery is how we deal with that
Do you have a sponsor or people you could talk to about this?
D
We can crave, from time to time, but the real strength of our recovery is how we deal with that
Do you have a sponsor or people you could talk to about this?
D
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by finaltime
how long were you using before you quit this time? These feelings are normal if you were coming off a lot of dope. I recall a time where even at 5 months I was feeling like I was walking on the side of the cliff. That doesn't give you much hope but you can know that these drugs do a lot of damage to our brain. To our normal thinking skills.
I must say I have to use the program when it comes to my stinkin thinking. I know that my head is messed up and 99% of what goes in this brain of mine is fear based and not real.
I know the meetings are getting to you. I wish I could help more. I am right back into a time in my life where my program is not where it should be and I can feel myself getting crazier. I do the NA program/
Hang in there. Keep posting. Do something nice for yourself.
I must say I have to use the program when it comes to my stinkin thinking. I know that my head is messed up and 99% of what goes in this brain of mine is fear based and not real.
I know the meetings are getting to you. I wish I could help more. I am right back into a time in my life where my program is not where it should be and I can feel myself getting crazier. I do the NA program/
Hang in there. Keep posting. Do something nice for yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
yes its that damn obsession of the mind that gets me too. If I am not working a program, doing some type of daily routine the stinking thinking comes back and quick. I like when I read the dr's opinion in the big book and get reminded of my disease. That it will manifest itself in other ways as well.
I am one crazy lady. My disease is lurking at all times. That is how I know I Need help and it kind of feels good when I surrender and just listen to what the people say instead of try to think for myself. My thinking got me into the trouble I was in and can still find myself in.
I have to keep it in the 24. I have to tell myself so many times, 'this too shall pass' I just started 90/90 again yesterday. doing one meeting a day every day at 5:30am.
It's no joke but being content today is much better than being locked up, or dead.
Love you
I am one crazy lady. My disease is lurking at all times. That is how I know I Need help and it kind of feels good when I surrender and just listen to what the people say instead of try to think for myself. My thinking got me into the trouble I was in and can still find myself in.
I have to keep it in the 24. I have to tell myself so many times, 'this too shall pass' I just started 90/90 again yesterday. doing one meeting a day every day at 5:30am.
It's no joke but being content today is much better than being locked up, or dead.
Love you
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 78
On thin ice
Hi guys,
It's been a while and I've been stagnating. I'm on my fourth binge in the last two months. Each time I've been using for two days and stopping to avoid withdrawals, then another 10-12 days pass and I use again. The fact that I've been keeping it to two day binges and not letting the physical dependence get out of hand interfere with work and all is good, but this is eventually gonna lead back to daily use. I just know it. It's only a matter of time. Kratom is so tough because it seems pretty innocuous, I can function normally and I'm not really high, just a little more numb and in a better mood, so everything doesn't immediately go to **** when I use, and no one can even tell. But I'm definitely chemically altered. Even after the two day binges it takes 4-5 days to recover psychologically. I'm tired of this cycle, but also afraid that I've re-ignited cravings again and will have to endure months of cravings. Again. I need something bigger than me.
I've been struggling with life, away from the program, my sponsor moved away, and just tired. It seems like a lot of normal life frustrations are making me bitter. I credit my meditation practice for allowing me to not let it get out of hand so far, but I need the program or my meditation practice will eventually cease to exist.
I'm gonna get to a meeting tonight and try to find a new sponsor. I know I need to do this. I'm just gonna be honest and say I screwed up and start over from step 1.
It's been a while and I've been stagnating. I'm on my fourth binge in the last two months. Each time I've been using for two days and stopping to avoid withdrawals, then another 10-12 days pass and I use again. The fact that I've been keeping it to two day binges and not letting the physical dependence get out of hand interfere with work and all is good, but this is eventually gonna lead back to daily use. I just know it. It's only a matter of time. Kratom is so tough because it seems pretty innocuous, I can function normally and I'm not really high, just a little more numb and in a better mood, so everything doesn't immediately go to **** when I use, and no one can even tell. But I'm definitely chemically altered. Even after the two day binges it takes 4-5 days to recover psychologically. I'm tired of this cycle, but also afraid that I've re-ignited cravings again and will have to endure months of cravings. Again. I need something bigger than me.
I've been struggling with life, away from the program, my sponsor moved away, and just tired. It seems like a lot of normal life frustrations are making me bitter. I credit my meditation practice for allowing me to not let it get out of hand so far, but I need the program or my meditation practice will eventually cease to exist.
I'm gonna get to a meeting tonight and try to find a new sponsor. I know I need to do this. I'm just gonna be honest and say I screwed up and start over from step 1.
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