Dee74

That sounds like a plan Clarity - I hope you follow it through

D

CallMeJosh

Clarity,

I'm with you. I understand. Keep your head up. Seriously. After using awhile back I turned to Kratom to avoid the heavy withdrawals..then the Kratom took over and it too has it's own withdrawals.

It too chemically altered my state and made life bearable. I was going through a tough time and thought it was ok to use. Ha. Right.

I can see a lot of me in your last post. You described accurately how I was using and avoiding dependence.

I only have honest advice for you...as many know on the forum, I don't have a filter...I just say whatever is on my mind. Here was my list from a few weeks back...

1) You need to go to meetings
2) You need a sponsor
3) You need to continue to remain honest with everyone (myself included)

That is the list I wrote for myself. I think you're in the same spot.

You've realized the binges and issues of using. You're at the point where you stop with a relative amount of ease...or really get into the addiction and have a difficult time stopping.

My advice is to stop now, and get a sponsor. Be HONEST with yourself. You *KNOW* where this is going...don't let it. You're stronger than this. You may not know it or believe it...but you are.

I'm incredibly proud of you for recognizing it. I did, but lied to myself. It would have been easier to stop when I recognized my using...but I didn't.

Stay positive. You're a lot stronger than you know.

Meditating is great. There is nothing wrong with that. I've explained my meditating as 'runners run for runners high...meditating has a similar high, and its called Jhana.'

I get a lot of weird looks, some ask me after meetings, but every meeting I say it - at least one person (SERIOUSLY EVERY TIME!) understands and agrees.

You've already done the hard part - recognizing a problem.

Clarity12

Got a new sponsor, got the NA stepworking guide. Currently planning day by day around meetings. Plan is to start chipping away at the questions whenever i have a few minutes here and there. Call sponsor everyday, pray, meditate, the usual drill. Feeling good about this, just gotta keep the motivation to keep working the program this time.

Clarity12

Yesterday I took a picture of a guy in front of a statue for him with his phone. The "me" behind that picture is now an imprint in that dude's collection of photos.

Yesterday I went to a meeting and a woman fresh from using gave out pieces of glass from the beach when her and her son went glass collecting. Now I have a token with her imprint.

I don't know why but this inter-connectedness is such a trip for me.

Clarity12

Hi Everyone,

I've been clean for a while now. Had some stuff happen in meditation and now I don't crave for using at all. Don't want to do the 12 step thing anymore.

Dee74

I'm glad you're clean Clarity

If not 12 step what are you going to do for your recovery from here on in?

D

Clarity12

So, still clean. Not sure if there is anything to "do" per say. I have been avoiding talking to my sponsor and avoiding the 12 step thing because it just seems like a cult-like brainwashing operation. People are continually indoctrinated into this idea or self image of being a hopeless addict who needs the meetings and the steps or they'll surely fall into oblivion. That's just my opinion of course, but I don't want any part of it. Thinking about my problems with drugs seems like making a problem where there currently is no problem.

From here on in, I don't know that there is anything special I need to do besides not use. I do lots of spiritual practice and study, and I'm involved in a group with the same interests. People in the western world don't really "get" eastern religion, but it's not just meditation or relaxation for me. It's like this- meditation and morality training laid out in the Noble Eightfold Path lays the groundwork for a mind that is extraordinarily clear, bright and concentrated. With this instrument we can observe reality and the mind as it actually is, without the conceptual filters that automatically create reality for an untrained person. Observing reality as it actually is cuts through certain delusions and ignorance that are the root causes of suffering.

Clarity12

Update, back at it

So I had a few binges in the last few months. This thing is a beast that's for sure, and it won't give up. I could see the uding coming from weeks off with my attitude and arrogance. I knew I was in trouble but thought I was good at the same time. Anyway, long story but the last 6 months have been really great overall life wise but with these few binges. I always stop before I go too far in, but the most recent one I had some withdrawals that were not fun. I just don't want to go back to where I was, so I've been hitting up some meetings because it has worked in the past. I've been dealing with some cravings which are not fun. Anyway, reading past over this thread was kinda painful how arrogant and conceded I sound, clearly my head wasn't right when I wrote some of that stuff. Anyway, just wanted to check in, maybe I'll update more.

Dee74

I'm glad you're going to meetings - what else are you doing Clarity?

D

OpioPhobe

Clarity - I have been guilty of arrogance in the past too before a relapse. It is good that things aren't worse.

As far as the program goes, did you bring up any of those concerns with your sponsor? I have had times where I felt like the program was all doom and gloom. Sometimes the message gets blurred, but the drug problem is supposed to be removed. AA talks more about it as a point of neutrality. When I get down like that it helps me to talk to my sponsor about it. Sometimes the discussion gets heated, but it works out so long as I am honest about what I am thinking.

Maybe try different meetings that are more upbeat?

Clarity12

At this point it's just 3 meetings a week and I have a fellow addict who I check in with most days. My sponsor situation is not ideal- I have been with a sponsor who I'm ok with but I think he's slightly autistic or something. I'm dealing with some feelings of pride and contempt because I'm older than him and objectively have more life experience, seem to have my **** together more than he does, etc. He's still on mommy and daddy's dime, while I've been on my own for a decade now. These things kinda make a relationship where he's supposed to be teaching me something or helping me kind of hard. It's hard to see him as a mentor or someone who "has what I want" to be totally honest. He wants me to re-work step 1, which seems a little pointless to me because I already went through my "powerlessness" ad nauseum previously and it seems counterproductive idk.

At this point I would go to more meetings and find another sponsor, or just swallow my pride and work with him. IDK, it doesn't really bother me that much, but I can't say it's not a thing either :/

Clarity12

Yeah, I've talked to him about this, he just says it's normal to feel that way and stuff. It's not really so much of a problem with any of the meetings I'm going to, it's more how I'm relating to them and I'm not experiencing much desperation or despair at the moment so the motivation is not really there. Right now my motivation to not use is because it gets in the way of my meditation practice and spiritual path, and quite honestly I'll never get where I want to be on my spiritual path if I keep using. But sometimes it's hard for that to be good enough reason especially when I'm not suffering really that much. Right now I'm just trying to affirm to myself everyday why I want to stay clean, and just get into the habit of going to these three meetings.

I have this idea in my head that I just want to do the minimum so I can have the obsession and cravings lifted. I don't really care to be involved in the program any more than that. It's just finding how much work I have to do to get rid of the cravings. Right now there's been some manageable cravings every couple days or so, and it kind of is a pain because it's like I would rather be doing something else than walking around convincing myself not to use.

****** part is, before and at certain stretches I would have the obsession gone, but then I stop going to meetings because it seemed like, overkill. But the obsession comes back and I'll use eventually.