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Old 10-28-2016, 04:13 PM
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Its a pleasure reading your fine writings. As you graciously share with others your true knowledge of Kratom, and more.

I'm very grateful for this, and surely others are learning as well. You've probably warned many about it... Now if I was offered some to try, I'd think very thoroughly first.

Say as a researcher, did you investigate the dosage levels? Is it possible to OD? Would Narcan, or Naloxone spray be a savior? Could there also be an anti-abuse maintenance substance? ... I wonder if clinical trials are ongoing; probably in Asia.

I'll see about putting Draft Punk's "Veridis Quo" version, and more on my profile page.

Say, whenever you may like, please write about the influence of your Dad.

Many here share similar feelings.

Bravo!

.

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Old 10-31-2016, 12:32 PM
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Update

Hi all. Just to update, I went to the NA meeting last night and made friends with some cool people. Got a few numbers and have an idea now of where the good meetings are. Today I had a bad craving but I got through it and it's gone now. My mediation is of a great help to me, I am honestly amazed how good I feel only being 2.5 weeks in. I'm gonna get a good run in tonight while my wife goes out with her friends. Last time I went out with them I ended up relapsing, so I'm steering clear of that this time.
Thanks everyone for your encouraging words.
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Old 11-13-2016, 09:04 AM
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Still here

Hi

Have about month clean now. I've been really busy with work lately so I haven't updated. I'm not sure if anyone even reads my posts but I guess it's for me anyway. I'm getting on today because I'm having really bad cravings. It just seems like there are new problems in my marriage since I've been clean, and it's the kind of thing that makes me want to punch my fist through the wall. I'm sitting here on a Sunday when I would normally be working, since I'm trying to find some balance. My wife is really pissing me off and I want to just get high.
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Old 11-13-2016, 09:09 AM
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It's just hard because I know exactly where it will lead me if I do use, and therefore it seems like there no way out of how much this sucks. If i did use it would feel good at least temporarily. This problem in my marriage is ongoing and everything's been going well besides this. Its like my brain is telling me my wife is the only thing screwing up my state of mind. This problem was masked when I was on Kratom, so that is giving the addict voice a bit of emphasis.
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Old 11-13-2016, 09:27 AM
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Clarity - I can identify with marital issues. It was difficult for me also due to the ongoing nature of it. Relationships go through a lot of change when one person gets clean.

Can you get out of the house and go to a meeting?
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Old 11-14-2016, 10:04 AM
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meeting

I went to a meeting yesterday, which was helpful. I have a good lead on a sponsor and I'm meeting with him Tuesday.
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Old 11-16-2016, 12:13 PM
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Clarity - that is great news. My sponsor has been a tremendous, positive influence in my recovery and my life. I hope you click well with him on Tuesday.
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Old 11-29-2016, 08:15 PM
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Hi clarity. Just wanted to say thank you for your posts. I searched for kratom and landed here.

What in seeing is what I need to do. NA, finding a sponsor, therapy, and finding my higher power.

A couple posts struck home for me. We'll several actually. OK... All of it struck a chord. But seeing your battles after a year hits me hard. That's where I am after coming off alcohol. And how quickly things went south after the night out with your wife and friends.

I don't know how long I've been using kratom. Several months for sure. I've had a couple CT breaks. Mostly to reset tolerance. Only to have tolerance come back with a vengeance. Each CT was harder than the previous.

I started a taper from about 25g 3mnths ago or so. I had dropped to 4.5g and was doing great and feeling great. Until I had one weekend where I "allowed" myself to relax on my taper with all intentions of picking up where I left off on Monday.

It took about 6wks for me to get back in a taper. I started a new taper with a new plan that was working fairly well. Dropped from 18g to 7g. I had read a post over at r/quittingkratom, of which I was a regular poster, that set off my addict mind.

Somebody posted that one day a week, during their taper, he allowed himself to take double the dose for that one day. I was off on a Monday and figured I deserved a break. Well, double the dose didn't exactly put me where I wanted to be, so I dosed more.

Here I am 8days later and I'm not exactly sure what I'm dosing. I believe I'm under 15g.

Today, I told some people of my issue for the first time. That was my brother's and sisters here on SR over at April 2015. I've been hiding this from everyone. I was truly ashamed of myself as a result. Which was just making things worse.

I agree the fine folks at reddit done exactly have a full grip. They are a decent group of folks though. Caring. Just not in tune with addiction overall. For most, this seems to be their first rodeo. My log in over there is quitK2016.

I've been lagging on my presence there since Mondays relapse and I've been lagging here. Not to mention lying....hiding. I figured that was the first thing to address. No more hiding.

Thanks again for sharing your journey so far. Keep it up. You never know who is lurking.
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Old 11-30-2016, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Incontrol15 View Post
Hi clarity. Just wanted to say thank you for your posts. I searched for kratom and landed here.

What in seeing is what I need to do. NA, finding a sponsor, therapy, and finding my higher power.

A couple posts struck home for me. We'll several actually. OK... All of it struck a chord. But seeing your battles after a year hits me hard. That's where I am after coming off alcohol. And how quickly things went south after the night out with your wife and friends.

I don't know how long I've been using kratom. Several months for sure. I've had a couple CT breaks. Mostly to reset tolerance. Only to have tolerance come back with a vengeance. Each CT was harder than the previous.

I started a taper from about 25g 3mnths ago or so. I had dropped to 4.5g and was doing great and feeling great. Until I had one weekend where I "allowed" myself to relax on my taper with all intentions of picking up where I left off on Monday.

It took about 6wks for me to get back in a taper. I started a new taper with a new plan that was working fairly well. Dropped from 18g to 7g. I had read a post over at r/quittingkratom, of which I was a regular poster, that set off my addict mind.

Somebody posted that one day a week, during their taper, he allowed himself to take double the dose for that one day. I was off on a Monday and figured I deserved a break. Well, double the dose didn't exactly put me where I wanted to be, so I dosed more.

Here I am 8days later and I'm not exactly sure what I'm dosing. I believe I'm under 15g.

Today, I told some people of my issue for the first time. That was my brother's and sisters here on SR over at April 2015. I've been hiding this from everyone. I was truly ashamed of myself as a result. Which was just making things worse.

I agree the fine folks at reddit done exactly have a full grip. They are a decent group of folks though. Caring. Just not in tune with addiction overall. For most, this seems to be their first rodeo. My log in over there is quitK2016.

I've been lagging on my presence there since Mondays relapse and I've been lagging here. Not to mention lying....hiding. I figured that was the first thing to address. No more hiding.

Thanks again for sharing your journey so far. Keep it up. You never know who is lurking.
Hi there Incontrol,

Thanks for your reply, its good to know there are others struggling with the same DOC. I've been super busy lately with meetings and work and everything else going on I haven't posted lately. My clean time counter says 1 month and 13 days. I'm not really consciously counting the days anymore.

With regards to tapering, for the reasons you alluded to I never tried a taper myself. I know for me at least I would not have the self control. Once I start taking Kratom it's off to the races and there is no thought of moderation whatsoever.

I know everyone is different and has different circumstances, but maybe you could consider going cold turkey. 15 g isn't a hugely offensive amount (not small either), but I was well above that and I went cold turkey with a 3 day weekend and was able to more or less function the following Monday. Granted, it wasn't pleasant, but I got through it. Just food for thought, you gotta do you. If you need someone to talk to PM me I would love to lend an ear.

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Old 11-30-2016, 12:26 PM
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Thank you.

This is not the season for a CT. I'll have to wait until after January. I don't want to wait until then, so it's a taper for now.

15g isn't horrible. I don't believe I'm in extremely deep. But I'm stuck in the whirlpool nonetheless. Each break I took only makes it harder to quit too. I am sure there's a kindling effect, not to mention the innate drive to avoid going through that again.

The lethargy is what I can't go through ATM due to my job and schedule. Although, as soon as depression and anxiety sets in, I'm sure lethargy will take 2nd seat.

Kratom is a hard one to let go because there's no bottom necessarily. I'm not bothered by any symptoms other than low libido and slow mornings until I Rev up to gear. At the end of the day though, what I am most disappointed about is activating my addiction. Again.

This is what I need work on, and what I found most helpful with your posts. I worked really hard to escape alcohol's death grip, but I didn't work as hard to be completely sober.

I need 3D support. Therapy for sure, and I believe a sponsor. All I know is, all the work I put into this last time wasn't enough.

Are you still going to NA mtgs? I don't know what your history is... But take some advice here and be sure to not take your foot off the peddle.
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Old 11-30-2016, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Incontrol15 View Post
Thank you.
Are you still going to NA mtgs? I don't know what your history is... But take some advice here and be sure to not take your foot off the peddle.
I'm still going to meetings and I got a sponsor recently. I'm revving up the meetings because life is kinda kicking my ass lately. I have a long history of drug use/abuse/addiction before kratom, so my brain/mind need serious work.

Like you said, 3D attack. I'm lucky enough to have access to an addiction therapist who I see weekly, and during the past month I have established a solid meditation routine which I have every intention of continuing for the forseeable future. I talk with my sponsor almost daily and I'm working my ass off on the steps and trying to give it my all and just let go and do what I need to do.

This all keeps me more or less functioning like a normal person.
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Old 11-30-2016, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Clarity12 View Post
Hi

Have about month clean now. I've been really busy with work lately so I haven't updated. I'm not sure if anyone even reads my posts but I guess it's for me anyway. I'm getting on today because I'm having really bad cravings. It just seems like there are new problems in my marriage since I've been clean, and it's the kind of thing that makes me want to punch my fist through the wall. I'm sitting here on a Sunday when I would normally be working, since I'm trying to find some balance. My wife is really pissing me off and I want to just get high.
I understand! I swear to God, there are some people who could drive you to drink or use. I've been told that isn't so and if I think that way it's just an excuse. But the thing is there are times I want to scream and/or I want out or I want to take something to get to another mental 'place' even though I know that's not a good way to deal with it. But there are times that I want to stay, work on everything and I know it will always be better if I stay clean and sober no matter if I am married, or in a relationship or by myself. I can't picture me by myself though, so that's probably not going to happen. Good Lord I am a married woman and have been for over 31 years. But one time a client of mine told me if I wasn't married he wanted to marry me and spoil me rotten. (he has the means to do so)Whoa...!!can't go there with a client....

The problem with my husband is he has become paranoid and uptight about my issues; fearful a lot of the time that I will relapse and he can be controlling. Sometimes I feel smothered. I wish he would just chill out, I really do. He drives me crazy sometimes....
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Old 12-01-2016, 12:25 AM
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My ex wife knew exactly how to **** me off good. And the manner in which I would get THE MOST pissed, is exactly what she excelled in. She was really good at it. More so than my abusive father!

It wasn't all that often, but boy, when it happened, it was as ugly scene. I can't put a finger on it either. It was more of a culmination of actions.

I am about the calmest and coolest guy you'll ever know. I never blew up on anyone and hit them. I've only had to defend myself a couple times. I never called anyone names or said things that I regretted later. Except when it came to my ex. I've called her every name in the book. And I got physical twice. Once pushing her and another grabbing her by the throat.

In a sick way, I think she enjoyed it because I was normally so cool. I normally would apply logic to everything. Look at all angles and would first explore my own wrong doings before pointing out others. She used to say I was like Spock on star trek. Little emotions and everything was logical. Looking back, I think she needed to see the anger as a way to confirm that I loved her.
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Old 12-01-2016, 11:46 AM
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Spock and Data are two of my favorite Star Trek characters. And we need cool-headed thinkers in this world. But I can see where one might find incompatibility with those traits with someone who wants more emotion. It sounds like the wrong kind of emotion got stirred up though and she provoked you. Not good. No wonder she is you ex.
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Old 12-07-2016, 06:50 AM
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Step 3

Hi All,

So I've made it to step 3. The actual event of making the decision was quite uneventful, my sponsor and I went to the chapel and I talked to my HP for a while. No crazy profound stuff. I wasn't really expecting anything to happen, but I truly was sincere about turing my life over to my HP so that's progress I suppose. Its now been 54 days since my last use of drugs, so the pattern of the last year has been broken- this is the longest I've made it in the past year and I only see it continuing. Got a meeting tonight and just kinda... doing my thing.
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Old 12-15-2016, 05:47 AM
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Still here

Hi Everyone,

Just updating. So I'm still clean and sober and things are changing. By that I mean the cravings are changing, part my support system is going to be in a hiatus for a month and a half, and I'm just.... Changing. So I'm still going to meetings, step work has stalled because my sponsor got some sort of GI virus and is now going to be out of town for the next month, and my therapist is also not going to be available for the next month. Honestly I haven't been thinking about recovery outside of meetings and talking with my sponsor. I have my debit card back so I now have access to my bank account. This is sort of new because I've basically been getting a small "allowance" from my wife to cover subway fares and other small stuff. Kinda funny because I make most of the money. Anyway, so it would seem to appear that conditions are not great for my sobriety right now. I really don't wanna relapse, but the cravings are sometimes really seductive. And sometimes I get this "gaping hole" feeling like something is missing. I'm just gonna keep going to meetings I guess.
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Old 12-15-2016, 01:50 PM
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Good job Clarity hiya x
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Old 12-15-2016, 02:06 PM
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yeah keep going Clarity ...I found things tend to sort themselves out so long as I stay clean and working on my recovery.

I don't have that 'gaping hole' anymore
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Old 12-15-2016, 05:56 PM
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Hmmmmm. Glad you've posted and updated us, Clarity. I would imagine this feels a bit unsettling right now? And the gaping hole? That can feel kind of scary. Maybe it's times like this we gotta dig deep; dig our heels in and be unmovable as far as sobriety goes. This time of year can be full of triggers and vulnerabilities too, so it's good to be aware. Change can be stressful, but it can also be a great opportunity and create good growth. There have been some big changes for me too lately but one thing that needs to stay steady is staying clean and sober and growing in healthy ways. Yeah, don't give up those meetings, for sure....especially during the holidays when there are so many temptations with "holiday cheer". Just remember it's not worth it to imbibe. Just not worth it. Do you have any holiday festivities lined up? I still need to do most of my shopping! For some people the key is to stay busy and don't let yourself have too much idle time. For others it is finding some down time....You can do this. Stay strong.
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Old 12-16-2016, 05:28 AM
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I can tell you what that gaping hole is. Just like your first love, the love that you never forget or let go. The first time you fall in love is more precious and enchanting than all your other loves put together. You never forget your first love because it has a special resonance in your very DNA. First love is intense and vulnerable, heady and scary and that’s why you can’t let go of. It In this case, the love that you can't let go is your drug of choice.

Do you remember your first love? The way it made you feel. How your heart would race whenever you thought of that moment. The goosebumps that covered your arms when they touched your body. The nights you couldn’t sleep because you couldn’t get them off your mind. That subaqueous, unconditional love. The kind of love that made you blind to reality. You think I was talking about another person, but in this case i'm talking about drugs. My reality was that I was in love with drugs. Through my ups and my downs the drugs were there for me. They guarded me against myself and protected me from the real world. The world that I was hell-bent on trying to avoid.

The relationship I had with drugs was real, and it was exotic and pure. Nothing or no one made me feel how my drugs made me feel. They never disappointed me or let me down like people did. I felt like I gave the human race a chance and they continuously failed.

In very rare occasions people marry their first love. Most of the time it’s a magical story that goes along with it. My first love and I we never got married. I found out later on in the relationship that we weren’t meant to be. And even though I fathomed this knowledge I stayed in that abusive relationship. I was in this relationship for years. I had put money, time, blood, sweat and tears into this relationship. I was comfortable with what I had, and I wasn’t ready to let it all go. This relationship was a part of who I was. My soul had fused with drugs and I just couldn’t let go. It got to the point where I was dependent on my first love. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or function properly without it. I guess I got exactly what I asked for. But this, this no longer felt right.

It was no longer love. And it was time to remove that gaping hole inside of me and I took my heart back.

That relationship taught me so much about myself. I realized that I was broken, and it was up to me, not a substance or a person, but me to fix the broken pieces. Once you fix your broken heart, you will never settle for anything less than you deserve. And I think we all deserve the absolute best.

Hugs and prayers
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