Clarity12

Hello everyone,

Here I am again, day 5 of no substances whatsoever. I feel ok, the withdrawals have been quite nasty this time. Sweating like crazy at night, intermittent sleep, cold sweats during the day, anhedonia like crazy, and I'm so tired. I think the withdrawals are subsiding though, and I hope I'm through the worst of it.
This time my wife has my ATM cards and she will hold on to them for the time being. I'm not sure how long, but however long it takes for me to feel like I have the control. Definitely not yet, because if I was left to my own devices I may have purchased some weed last night. She promptly shut that idea down and I didn't push it further.
During this last relapse no one in my support system besides my counselor knew, and I was so ashamed to tell my wife and mom and brother. My counselor convinced me to tell everyone, and I felt really relieved to do so. Now I feel like I have some accountability, which is helpful.
I'm going to avoid going out completely for the time being- looking back at my posts the seed of relapse was sewn when I decided to have a few beers with my wife and friends about a month ago. I have to stay far away from that situation no matter what this time.
I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful but also just blah. Everything is just plain and dull right now, but I can tolerate it until my brain heals. I have an appointment with the counselor today, and I've been looking forward to updating him with my progress. We sort of agreed that I would try again so I feel accountable in that regard too. Just hangin in there.

teatreeoil007

Keep hanging in there friend!

finaltime

how we doing?

Clarity12

Hello everyone,

I'm still holding on. Things have been tough the last couple of days. I've been going to meetings and working with my counselor. Uggghhh. Life feels so hard right now, like I'm running into a hurricane with ankle weights on. I have a bunch of loose end crap to take care of at work and I'm procrastinating. I'm just going to stay clean today and try to take care of this pile of small loose ends. My least favorite thing to do. :-I

Clarity12

Just mediated and it turns out some of the crazy crap at work is a network issue that's outside of my control. Thank God, I thought it was my ineptitude with computers.
Feeling overwhelmed but accepting of it and the fact that I am a flawed silly little human just like the rest of us.

Clarity12

Day 12 clean. Saw my counselor this morning and meditated. I feel the nagging cravings a good part of the day. Just trying to keep moving but its so damn hard sometimes. It just feels like a giant part of my life is missing right now, and it would be so easy to fall back to my old habits. Doing the harder thing is against my nature, but I'm trying. I at least feel like I can make it through the day with a little effort, but this is wearing on me. Sorry for the pointless post just need to put in in the books.

MIRecovery

If what you have done in the past has never worked what are going to do differently?

Clarity12

This time I'm going to meetings, I have a counselor who I see regularly, I'm exercising regularly, meditating, and actively seeking out a higher power in my life. I didn't stick with any of this before, but now I have to or I know where I'll end up. I have fallen into the trap before of getting a few months in and growing complacent about my recovery- it's easy to do when things seem to be going well. I need tools to prevent the relapse train from getting rolling- still trying to figure that out because last major relapse after a year clean I felt like someone else was in the driver seat. I'm really scared of this to be quite honest.

teatreeoil007

Hi Clarity. I'm here to cheer you on. You can do this. You can feel better. Early clean days are tough, but it will get better.

What helps me: I know exercise is an absolute must. I need to eat right and I need to eat right before I work out. If I don't have the right 'fuel' the work outs are more blah. I always feel better after a good work out in which I have thoroughly sweated. For me this has not gotten any easier the older I get, but the older I get it seems it's even more essential for health and vitality. Have to keep moving. It's the way forward, onward, and upward.

Exercise has to be a priority. keep it up!

I've also had to take another look at stressors in my life and figure out how to either reduce the stress or manage it better. If my house is a mess, for example, it makes me feel 'icky' and I feel 'pressure' to get it right. So I try to keep up on keeping the house clean and organized. I'm not a neat freak, but I don't like disorderly chaos either. Drives me nuts.


Another thing to think about: When a substance is taken away that once gave us a type of euphoria, we are going to feel 'blah'. Like there is a void or an empty hole. We need to fill that void, that hole with good healthy, healing things. It takes some creativity. It may take some meditation. It may take some "reflection" time to figure out a strategy on how you are going to fill the void. So you don't need me to tell you there is effort involved.....Hang in there. We're here for you.

Dee74

You're not alone Clarity - you can do this - and we'll be right alongside you

D

finaltime

clarity, how are you? You and I share the same long continuous struggle with dang pills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you are going strong and still sober!!!! Let me know as well what you think of NA. I personally love it... and AA.

kevsants87

How are you doing? I'm going through the same exact thing in regards to my wife and not letting her down again. I have been clean for exactly 5 months today and couldn't have done it without her support. Wish you all the best. God bless you.

Clarity12

Craving really bad at the moment. Man, I'm fighting it hard. I was just thinking of the logistics of using today, but I'm trying to focus on how ****** tomorrow will be if I use. Sucks.

Marcus

Hit a meeting if you can (NA/AA). Help you get out of your head. Hang in there.

Sober'sBest

.
As you want to be like most others... the about 93% of US who aren't alcoholics, and maybe 99.9% that would never try this Kratom plant after knowing:

"severe side effects may include respiratory depression (decreased breathing), seizure, addiction, and PSYCHOSIS . Other side effects include high heart rate and blood pressure, LIVER TOXICITY , and trouble sleeping. When use is stopped withdrawal may occur. When mixed with other substances, kratom use has resulted in DEATH".

As one of the VERY FEW that's gotten kratom addicted, how do you 'flip the switch' to NORMAL?

Most of us don't understand your thinking... We're all as different as our fingerprints.

Maybe a start would be your thoughts on the concept of "Thantos".. Or the idea that innately we all feel both a need for our life and death.

Sincerely, please address such motivational issues with us, well intentioned 'minority' members here.

Best wishes
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.
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Sober'sBest

Also please share: how does euphoria now compare with withdrawal motivation?

Would you truly like to enjoy a sober life?

Can you produce pleasure endorphins; especially with thoughts?

How's your sleep?

Do you share on kratom, and other forums?

Best wishes
.
.

finaltime

I seriously learned the hard way and picked up the 500 pound phone when I was craving bad. I just told the other person I want to use. I said it over and over. They listen. It passed. Its amazing!!!!!! Good to hear from you clarity and keep posting!!!!! you are not alone. we all have this damn disease and we can support each other.

Clarity12

Thanks for your thoughtful, albeit somewhat cryptic response. With regards to thantos, I can tell you that the idea of my own mortality has been on my mind lately. Addiction and subsequent cessation of use tends to prompt these thoughts, for me at least. By that, I mean that without drugs I get the feeling that I must find higher purpose for life rather than the selfish pursuit of pleasure. There must be, or else I see no point in living. I can say that rather than thinking about death I have my eye on finding this bigger purpose to life. For me this starts with meditation and searching for a higher power, whatever that may be.

As for flipping the switch to 'normal', I have even higher ambitions. I see this problem as a catalyst for finding a better way to live, that is, better than I would have been had I never been addicted to drugs. I'm very interested in mediation and the idea of training one's brain to operate in a different way. I'm reading "The Mind Illuminated" by John Yates and "Psychology of the Unconscious" by Carl Jung. These are both great material for trying to tackle some of the more existential questions in life.

Clarity12

Again, thanks for your thoughtful responses.

I have experienced brief periods of euphoria since quitting, for example, the other night after work I walked home in the rain listening to "Veridis Quo" by Daft Punk. For some reason this song holds a special place in my heart because I discovered it clean and sober, and have never heard it under the influence of drugs. It has no lyrics, but it gives me a sense of self acceptance and peace whenever I hear it. It was a very unique type of rain, not a pouring rain but a gentle rain. I had just had a small break-though in the lab and was feeling rather good about things. Just a feeling that everything's going to be OK. That type of euphoria is subtle, and I can say it's a pure euphoria that I really appreciate when I experience it.

All I will say about withdrawal was that it was very unpleasant and I'm glad I'm through it. I would compare it to how one would feel after bingeing on MDMA all weekend, with the added effect of some mild physical symptoms comparable to a flu.

The Kratom euphoria is different in a way that's hard to describe, but to put it simply it's not an emotional euphoria but a physical/satisfaction type of euphoria. I don't think it's productive to pick it apart more than that.

I am working on cultivating euphoria with my thoughts (meditation?), but that isn't really the main goal of mediation. I feel an even different type of euphoria after a vigorous run almost without exception. It's very possible to achieve euphoric states of mind without drugs, it just takes a lot more effort.

My sleep is not great, but it's improving.

I browse the reddit forum for quitting Kratom, but rarely post. I get the feeling that they're missing the point over there. There is too much of a focus on Kratom and not enough focus on addiction itself.

Marcus

Glad to see things are improving! Meditation is the single greatest tool I have found in my recovery. Everyone is different however so not saying it works for everyone. I also tried it several times back when I was relapsing again and again, but just couldn't seem to stick with it. I guess I was just finally ready for it and sounds like you may be too.

Meetings were a huge catalyst for the meditation because I was getting so frustrated with a lot of the god talk and considered leaving the rooms over it for the umptennth time, but I knew the meetings and the steps were helping. Meditation and the idea of DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING were more than enough to help me get past all of that and stick around.

Changing the way I think, process, and react has totally changed my life. I created most of my own suffering through my thinking and inability to deal with it which led to using and other unhealthy behaviors. It isn't that I just lost the desire or compulsion to use either. I truly do not want to use. Why would I want to go back to that?