Hen House Talk With All Our Friends - Part 30
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
TB: That's exactly what the little Wren looked like. When I pulled it out of the water bowl. I set it inside the double tent pen to keep it a little safer. It just stood there shivering. So I picked it back up and put it in my pocket to warm up. Then I later put it back in the pen where it didn't move or make another sound. So I brought it in that night and put it under Maria. So Maria kept it warm and safe all night.
Jethro found it in the living room when he got up. He brought it into the bedroom to tell me he found my "baby" in the living room. LOL I told him to take it outside and hopefully it's momma will find it. I'll have to ask him when he gets up from his nap where he put it so I can go out and check on it.
Love ya
TOD
Jethro found it in the living room when he got up. He brought it into the bedroom to tell me he found my "baby" in the living room. LOL I told him to take it outside and hopefully it's momma will find it. I'll have to ask him when he gets up from his nap where he put it so I can go out and check on it.
Love ya
TOD
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
you can feed a baby bird some soft dog or cat food. like the canned kind, just a little bit, it is better than nothing, i think. maybe it will maintain its strength til mom finds it. poor baby. you might have another little pet there, (((tod))).
i hate it when people start doing fireworks early. pets just hate the noise, dogs too. just wait til the 4th and then get it over with. plus, i like to go to bed early, most times
i hate it when people start doing fireworks early. pets just hate the noise, dogs too. just wait til the 4th and then get it over with. plus, i like to go to bed early, most times
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
I just looked in the box on top of the pit to see if Martha Mae had laid an egg today. I have two ceramic eggs in there as well. One of the ceramic eggs is missing? I asked Jethro if he had gotten one of them out for whatever reason? He said no. Just as I was getting ready to say, "I bet a snake ate it"! He announces he thought he saw a snake in the pit earlier today. Just F'ing GREAT! If it was eaten by a snake and the snake wraps itself around a pole to crush the egg. Boy is it in for a surprise. But if it figures out it's a fake egg before it crushes it. It will just regurgetate it back out of it's mouth.
I knew we had a large snake around here somewhere, since Jethro found the baby snake under the mat by the steps here a few weeks ago. Like I said before. That bird will become snake food and now there's proof of the snake being here.
TOD
I knew we had a large snake around here somewhere, since Jethro found the baby snake under the mat by the steps here a few weeks ago. Like I said before. That bird will become snake food and now there's proof of the snake being here.
TOD
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Assignments are done, it's down to 72 degrees? There is a chance of rain but tomorrow will be back over 100.
Yes, someone stole the a/c from our church. I told the pastor I hope the replacement one is rigged up where someone can't steal it very easily. He asked me, as I was leaving, to let the secretary know my phone number and contact information as "we don't have a way to get hold of you". They do - all they would have to do is call mom-Kay, but I left a note on the secretary's desk.
That used to be mom's office and though it's nice, it is total opposite of what it looked like when mom was in there. She had it bright, kids' drawings, cartoons, a little jar on the desk with M&M's for the kids. Now it's tastefully dark and chic. Caught me off guard, I must admit.
I've managed to tick off a team member for school but I just called her on what she did (actually, what she did NOT do) and the ball is in her court.
Still grumpy, was looking through the stages of grief ((TB)) posted and not sure where I'm at. I really have no desire for cigarette, crack, any of that stuff but I do have this feeling like I'm lacking SOMETHING. Right now it's munchies and I think I'll put duct tape over my mouth
((Love you all))
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, someone stole the a/c from our church. I told the pastor I hope the replacement one is rigged up where someone can't steal it very easily. He asked me, as I was leaving, to let the secretary know my phone number and contact information as "we don't have a way to get hold of you". They do - all they would have to do is call mom-Kay, but I left a note on the secretary's desk.
That used to be mom's office and though it's nice, it is total opposite of what it looked like when mom was in there. She had it bright, kids' drawings, cartoons, a little jar on the desk with M&M's for the kids. Now it's tastefully dark and chic. Caught me off guard, I must admit.
I've managed to tick off a team member for school but I just called her on what she did (actually, what she did NOT do) and the ball is in her court.
Still grumpy, was looking through the stages of grief ((TB)) posted and not sure where I'm at. I really have no desire for cigarette, crack, any of that stuff but I do have this feeling like I'm lacking SOMETHING. Right now it's munchies and I think I'll put duct tape over my mouth
((Love you all))
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
I am protective of myself ((Chicory)). That's the problem. I am TOO protective. It is impeding on my daily life and I don't know how to stop and just let go. Be free. I can't--I won't. I can't stand it though. It's making me crazy. I can't connect to people and even when I try and get so close to succeeding it gets too scary again and I recoil and **** it all up. I push away from everybody. All it turns into is a lot of people who are annoyed with me because they can't understand why I'm their friend one day and then a totally different person the next day. It's not like I'm mean to them, I'm just "cold" and distant and unresponsive. They ask me if I'd rather be somewhere else and of course I say no, and in an emotional way I mean it, but in a mental way I don't. I am ******* desperate to be close with someone, have a real friend that I know I can trust and that they can trust me back, but the mental parts of me say "I would rather be alone than spend time with you" but the emotional parts of me want attachment and closeness and connection and don't want to be anywhere else. I know I'm not making any sense, but it makes sense to me. I'm tired of feeling like a miserable, lonely person. I'm tired of emanating an cold, intimidating, get-away-from-me attitude which I didn't even know I did until someone told me that. You can only imagine the kind of balls it took for that person to say it to my face. They eventually stopped bothering with me too because no one can break into the impenetrable fortress that is myself. I feel incredible guilt and shame that I have been acting this way. I don't mean to and I certainly don't want to. I feel such guilt because nobody deserves to feel like they're being ignored or getting the cold-shoulder when they've done nothing to deserve it, they have been nothing but nice to me. I am ashamed that I have morphed into such a person to do that, unknowingly or subconsciously perhaps. I am so distraught over this and I'm tired of working on it because I don't know where the root of the problem is. I don't know how to resolve it and at this point, I don't think I'm ever going to. As my mom would tell me, I am a failure and I am underserving of anybody. Especially all of you.
As much as I hate that woman, she's right. What I was talking about last night, the "things" I used to receive as a child, those all came from her. I thought her love for me had changed when she found out I was doing drugs, but it didn't because her love was never there. I didn't remember these things before, but I do now. It is eating me up inside. Being left alone for hours and sometimes even a whole day when I was just a little kid, making me eat by myself because I wasn't "clean" enough for the dinner table, telling me to go away when I had nightmares and literally telling me once that she hopes the monsters take me away because I was being a pain in the ass. I had most, if not all of this, buried deep deep within me and it didn't come to surface till recently. I wish I could put it back. I don't want to know that she hated me all my life. I don't want to know that I was always a mistake in her eyes. What scares me the most is that I'm sure there's more. What if there are worse things to uncover. I can't handle anymore. This is driving me to the edge. The breaking point. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. I may be an adult now but I feel like a child when I recoil from attachment to people. I feel like a child because that part of me got stuck there in the turmoil, I wasn't allowed to work through anything, I didn't know HOW to work through anything, it all just got pushed aside because nothing about me was important. It still isn't. Not to her. She'll never give a damn about me or anybody but herself. How do you heal from such past injustices? I don't think it's possible.
I know you all will tell me that none of it is true, that she's ****** up and whatever she says doesn't matter. That it's all in the past and that I should just forget about it, move on, live in the present or whatever. It doesn't matter how much I ignore it and live in the present because it's affecting me now. I can live in the present all I want but the damage that's been done...that's what makes me what I am today. That needs to be undone and I can't very well move on from it if I don't go back and fix it somehow. I need to figure out how to make things okay but I don't know how to do that. There must be a way, people out there do it, I think I'm just too slow to figure it out. I just feel like giving up, I already left a message to cancel my appointment on Wednesday, I don't want to go. I wouldn't be able to talk or say anything. I know I'll just go in there and shut down, she'll get about 3 words out of me and I'll be gone. I just don't care. It's not helping me. Not right now.
As much as I hate that woman, she's right. What I was talking about last night, the "things" I used to receive as a child, those all came from her. I thought her love for me had changed when she found out I was doing drugs, but it didn't because her love was never there. I didn't remember these things before, but I do now. It is eating me up inside. Being left alone for hours and sometimes even a whole day when I was just a little kid, making me eat by myself because I wasn't "clean" enough for the dinner table, telling me to go away when I had nightmares and literally telling me once that she hopes the monsters take me away because I was being a pain in the ass. I had most, if not all of this, buried deep deep within me and it didn't come to surface till recently. I wish I could put it back. I don't want to know that she hated me all my life. I don't want to know that I was always a mistake in her eyes. What scares me the most is that I'm sure there's more. What if there are worse things to uncover. I can't handle anymore. This is driving me to the edge. The breaking point. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. I may be an adult now but I feel like a child when I recoil from attachment to people. I feel like a child because that part of me got stuck there in the turmoil, I wasn't allowed to work through anything, I didn't know HOW to work through anything, it all just got pushed aside because nothing about me was important. It still isn't. Not to her. She'll never give a damn about me or anybody but herself. How do you heal from such past injustices? I don't think it's possible.
I know you all will tell me that none of it is true, that she's ****** up and whatever she says doesn't matter. That it's all in the past and that I should just forget about it, move on, live in the present or whatever. It doesn't matter how much I ignore it and live in the present because it's affecting me now. I can live in the present all I want but the damage that's been done...that's what makes me what I am today. That needs to be undone and I can't very well move on from it if I don't go back and fix it somehow. I need to figure out how to make things okay but I don't know how to do that. There must be a way, people out there do it, I think I'm just too slow to figure it out. I just feel like giving up, I already left a message to cancel my appointment on Wednesday, I don't want to go. I wouldn't be able to talk or say anything. I know I'll just go in there and shut down, she'll get about 3 words out of me and I'll be gone. I just don't care. It's not helping me. Not right now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Jay)) - I, for one, can't imagine telling you "forget it or just get over it". That's some pretty horrific stuff to deal with and from what I've learned from ACOA's and people who's were treated horribly even if alcohol/drugs weren't involved, I'm not sure it ever goes away.
I know some people get to a point where they no longer believe what that parent told them, but I don't know how. I know I've always suggested therapy, but I can see that therapy is really stressing you out so I don't know.
I know I'm at the other end of the country and the end of a computer, but I have seen you come a long way in breaking down a lot of walls. I also know, for me, I'd be worried if it had to go so damned slow and was it ever going to get better.
I don't know the answer, I don't know how to fix it. I can just say that you have made progress, believe it or not, and we love and care about you. If there is anything we can do to help, we will. If being here to provide a shoulder to vent/lean on, we can do that, too.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I know some people get to a point where they no longer believe what that parent told them, but I don't know how. I know I've always suggested therapy, but I can see that therapy is really stressing you out so I don't know.
I know I'm at the other end of the country and the end of a computer, but I have seen you come a long way in breaking down a lot of walls. I also know, for me, I'd be worried if it had to go so damned slow and was it ever going to get better.
I don't know the answer, I don't know how to fix it. I can just say that you have made progress, believe it or not, and we love and care about you. If there is anything we can do to help, we will. If being here to provide a shoulder to vent/lean on, we can do that, too.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
((Amy)) - I know there aren't any answers, I don't expect answers. I just have the urge to get this out of me, like it'll do some good or something. I know it's like verbal vomit, it just keeps coming, rather sporadically. Thank you for being there for me (along with everyone else). I'm sure I'm not done yet...
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Sorry to barge in, but I can really relate to you Jason. I used to be the same way regarding interpersonal relationships. Let's just sat that I come from a totally ****** up family. Sometimes I still fall back into my old hedgehog mode, especially when it comes to BFs. Trust issues. Therapy has helped me immensely, but I had to learn to pace it. So if I became overwhelmed, I backed off for a while. If I felt up to it, I went more often. And I had to face the fact that healing can't be rushed (I just wanted to get it over with of course).
First and foremost, you need to learn to live with them. There might be other ways, but I don't know them... in my experience, it's impossible to heal what you don't recognize, accept and own first. Very tough but, ultimately doable. Try to slowly practice unconditional acceptance (google it), but don't be hard on yourself if you don't see any progress. It's a long hard journey. But, you know what? It's worth it. Hopefully at one point it'll suddenly get much easier. That's how it was for me.
Review your values for comfort, and your beliefs for courage. Do you believe that you've been handed more than what you can handle?
It's easy to tell that you're a special soul, Jason One day all this pain will have been worth it. PM me if you need anything.
Originally Posted by SpeedyJason 
How do you heal from such past injustices? I don't think it's possible.
Review your values for comfort, and your beliefs for courage. Do you believe that you've been handed more than what you can handle?
It's easy to tell that you're a special soul, Jason
One day all this pain will have been worth it. PM me if you need anything.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((jay)))
I am glad you are sharing with us. That is a good thing to do, and that is a step toward trusting others, letting them close. I know that even tho it is online, it is still not easy to share some things, so that is a sign of reaching out, a sign that you are going in the right direction, even tho it hurts and stinks to do it. purging such a burden is bound to be painful, but worth it, as (((Mattcake))) said.
For me, when I have had to face painful memories, things that were unfair and I could not imagine why they happened, I finally could do nothing but cry-grieve them. That helped me a lot. Just grieving , and remembering that I did not deserve that. It wasn't me. It wasn't you, either (((Jay))).
The truth is never going to tell you that you were not worth more, that you deserved any of this. The truth will never tell you that you did not deserve love. If you hear that, or think it, that is not true. That is anger talking, anger that turns inward toward yourself. Perhaps try turning any anger toward those who deserve it. you do not.
when you are hurting inside, from being hurt by those who you loved, it makes you afraid of trusting others. the ones who made you feel that hurt were sick, and not everyone else in the world is sick. most of our friends are able to be trustable, in most ways.
I think you should keep your appt, honey, even if you dont talk about this stuff this time. it sounds like you might need some help right now, to just get your feet steady. i hope you are getting enough rest too. seems to be bad on you when you dont. like all of us, i guess. everything is worse on us when we are not rested. i was wondering if there might be a f2f group you could join? where you could begin to share things at your own pace? you might learn to trust that others care that way, too.
hang tough. it is hard work, but you can do it. i believe in you.
forgive me for going on and on. or if i intrude in any way. i just feel your pain, and i want to reassure you that it will pass. in the right time. your time.
love ya,
chic
I am glad you are sharing with us. That is a good thing to do, and that is a step toward trusting others, letting them close. I know that even tho it is online, it is still not easy to share some things, so that is a sign of reaching out, a sign that you are going in the right direction, even tho it hurts and stinks to do it. purging such a burden is bound to be painful, but worth it, as (((Mattcake))) said.
For me, when I have had to face painful memories, things that were unfair and I could not imagine why they happened, I finally could do nothing but cry-grieve them. That helped me a lot. Just grieving , and remembering that I did not deserve that. It wasn't me. It wasn't you, either (((Jay))).
The truth is never going to tell you that you were not worth more, that you deserved any of this. The truth will never tell you that you did not deserve love. If you hear that, or think it, that is not true. That is anger talking, anger that turns inward toward yourself. Perhaps try turning any anger toward those who deserve it. you do not.
when you are hurting inside, from being hurt by those who you loved, it makes you afraid of trusting others. the ones who made you feel that hurt were sick, and not everyone else in the world is sick. most of our friends are able to be trustable, in most ways.
I think you should keep your appt, honey, even if you dont talk about this stuff this time. it sounds like you might need some help right now, to just get your feet steady. i hope you are getting enough rest too. seems to be bad on you when you dont. like all of us, i guess. everything is worse on us when we are not rested. i was wondering if there might be a f2f group you could join? where you could begin to share things at your own pace? you might learn to trust that others care that way, too.
hang tough. it is hard work, but you can do it. i believe in you.
forgive me for going on and on. or if i intrude in any way. i just feel your pain, and i want to reassure you that it will pass. in the right time. your time.
love ya,
chic
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Good morning Ms Chickory!!!
Soaking my toes for cutting toenails. Then to the shower. Then to bed for a few hours and then back up to go to my 1:30 doctor appointment.
Jethro gave me a hug from behind last night and asked how was I doing. I told him to ask me Tuesday when I start my hell week. He just nicely said to me; "I wish you wouldn't take those damn pills". I said; "I do to".
Love ya
TOD
Soaking my toes for cutting toenails. Then to the shower. Then to bed for a few hours and then back up to go to my 1:30 doctor appointment.
Jethro gave me a hug from behind last night and asked how was I doing. I told him to ask me Tuesday when I start my hell week. He just nicely said to me; "I wish you wouldn't take those damn pills". I said; "I do to".
Love ya
TOD
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Yes! I've said it MANY times! Thank God for Jethro. I told him yesterday. I'm sorry I'm so difficult to live with. He said; "You aren't a problem". He loves me so much and just wants me to be pain free and happy. He also knows what the pills end up doing to me and that I reach I point I'm ready to get off of them. That's why he has a hard time understanding why I do the on/off thing with them. I told him with him taking the pain meds, with them being in the house, it's hard on me. He said he knows that and that's why he tries to keep them out of sight. I just laughed and told him; "I'm an addict and don't think I don't know where you have those pills". I think it sort of floored him. He's dealt with previous family members being addicts, so this isn't something new for him. But I think he's getting the picture of I'll take his pills if I find them. I don't want to, but the disease takes over my mind/body and they slowly disappear.
I love being off the pills and really get mad at myself when I get hooked on them again. I'm seeing the doctor today to discuss getting injections in my back. It scares the hell out of me. But I'm too the point I'm ready to say okay. Because one of the big reasons I want the pills is due to my back pain.
Love ya
TOD
I love being off the pills and really get mad at myself when I get hooked on them again. I'm seeing the doctor today to discuss getting injections in my back. It scares the hell out of me. But I'm too the point I'm ready to say okay. Because one of the big reasons I want the pills is due to my back pain.
Love ya
TOD
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Matty)) - thanks for jumping in with your ES&H. I know you've been through a lot of stuff, too.
(((Jay))) - keep on talking - we're here to listen.
I'm about to go take the volunteer application by and then see if I can find anything I like to wear to the brat's wedding.
(((Love you all)))
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Jay))) - keep on talking - we're here to listen.
I'm about to go take the volunteer application by and then see if I can find anything I like to wear to the brat's wedding.
(((Love you all)))
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
(((Jay))) I'm sorry but I can't continue biting my tongue seeing you in pain like this, I have to share this with you. When I was around sixteen I was completely miserable with my life, I hated who I was. Today I understand what I was then, Restless, Irritable, Discontent. To quiet that voice in my head I turn to drugs. Pot was my first choice, and when pot stop working I turn to alcohol, (and become a ragging alcoholic) and when alcohol stop working I turn to dope and pills. (I become uncontrollable junkie) Where did the voice come from and why is it so hard to make it be quiet? Do you ever notice the voice in your head has a lot of self-judgments? How come when I try to turn off the voice in my head it doesn’t seem to work?
For most people the mind has developed into something that does incessant describing, comparing, and judging. When I didn’t have any awareness I didn’t notice how busy it was all the time. When I noticed it, I just assumed that it was me thinking. I didn’t think of my thinking as judgmental. I just thought that my opinions were the right ones. Because I was comfortable with my opinions for a long time they didn’t bother me. But then in times of stress when the voice in my head would keep me up at night, I began to notice things were out of balance.
Most everyone has this type of chatter in their mind to varying degrees. The difference is that some people identify with it, and feel it is them. Other people realize that their mind has taken on a life of its own and decide to do something about it. One of the most helpful things in this process of quieting the voice in your head (the Voice) is to realize where it came from and what it is doing there. Understanding the origin of the Voice will help you let go of judgmental reactions during this process.
The Voice also told me what to do in order to get rewarded with attention, and love, “I should…clean up my room, eat my vegetables, be quiet, stay in line and get good grades.” Do these things and people will like you, accept you, and love you. Do these things and you will be happy. The Voice echoed all the right rules based on the punishments and rewards stored in memory.
As a young child, I saw adults as very unpredictable, so I began to trust the little voice in my head more than anyone else. Even my parents who loved me couldn’t be completely trusted because they would also punish if I did something wrong. Maybe I got blamed and punished for what my brother or sister did, and concluded that I couldn’t trust mom or dad with the truth. The voice in my head was the guide to emotional safety in a world of bigger people who had the power to punish me and take away my rewards.
I created that Voice in my Head by building memory with rules. I invested a lot of faith in the Voice as something I could trust in an uncertain world. It became like a Guardian Angel speaking in my mind telling me what to do. I gave it great authority and power over my choices and trusted it to be right.
The Voice grew and learned to look at things in my past and gave interpretations of what I “should have done” and “shouldn’t have done.” It gave me advice about my future and what I “should do,” and “should be.” Its opinion was built with the intelligence of my own logic. It drew on every memory for evidence. Later in life the voice sounds like me speaking and thinking when it is only the echoes of memory that have come alive. Sometimes we mistakenly put our trust in the voice from memory and think we are trusting our Self. We lose our identity and follow the rules of should and shouldn’t echoing from the past instead of being in the moment.
If we had a broken heart the Voice would make rules so I didn’t get hurt again. It would declare, “All men are…” or “women are all the same.” It would swear off a whole gender as a solution to not feeling emotionally hurt. “Falling in love just leads to heartbreak.” It made declarations not based in truth. Later in life the rules make us afraid of expressing our love and asking for what we want.
There was no other part of our mind monitoring it for exaggerations and common sense in those moments. We had trusted its logic implicitly for so many years we didn’t question the exaggerations or faulty logic. We agreed to the rules with no consideration for how it might limit our happiness and choices for the rest of our life.
We spend our energy trying to satisfy its rules hardly noticing many of those rules contradict each other. “We should go after that promotion” conflicts with “I should spend more time with my family.” “I want to ask her out,” conflicts with fear of her saying no. Amidst this chaos in the mind we forget that all the rules were intended to bring us happiness in our life. Yet emotions like love and joy hardly have room to be felt amidst its incessant chatter of what we “should” do and “shouldn’t do.” At this point our Guardian Angel has fallen into may fear based and false beliefs and spends its time yelling them at us.
The reality to accept is that the Voice in your head does not know how to be happy. It only knows what it stored in memory from the past about how other people would react. It knows how we should have behaved in the past in order to get the best reaction from people in the past. It has knowledge of what we have to do for others to accept us, but not about how to accept our self. The voice does not know how to express love or joy, or laugh.
One of the first steps to eliminating self-judgments and chatter is to recognize that the voice in your head never means you any harm. It may be the source of self-criticism and unkind comments, but that was never its intent. Believe it or not, it originally developed to help us feel emotionally safe and happy. It is usually operating under the premise that it is trying to protect us.
The path to emotional integrity and harmony with your mind is through awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness, something the voice in our head knows nothing about. We begin to discover, for the first time, that our happiness in life has little to do with other people’s reactions and more to do with expressing our own emotions of love. The rules the voice in your head have you follow do not usually direct you to follow your heart and do what you love. Fortunately there is a lot more to our being than just the thinking voice. We have many other dimensions that we can look to for guidance in overcoming the voice in our head and creating happiness in our life.
Understanding this is a big step towards quieting that Voice. It will allow you to let go of your complaints and judgments about the fallen angel. Recognizing that it did the very best that it could will help break the judgments you have about that Voice. With an understanding that it never meant you any harm comes the opportunity for acceptance and compassion. Acceptance and compassion for your self is an important first step towards the redemption of a fallen angel that lives in your head.
After hundreds of relapses, many detoxes, rehabs, inpatient outpatient programs, 28 months stint in a TC and countless, countless 12 step meetings, finally now I live in peace and quiet. The voice in my head is no more. Don’t do what I did and spend ¾ of your life trying to quiet the voice on your own, it wont work. I had to set aside my Selfishness and Self Centeredness in order to be where I am today.
I don't think you want to focus on being some way that you were in the past. life builds upon itself, and our experiences shape and change us along the way. Continue your therapy, find help and guidance for your moods, and you will learn many wonderful things about yourself and life, and you won't be the person you were before, but you will be an even wiser and freer person in the now.
With love and respect
TB
For most people the mind has developed into something that does incessant describing, comparing, and judging. When I didn’t have any awareness I didn’t notice how busy it was all the time. When I noticed it, I just assumed that it was me thinking. I didn’t think of my thinking as judgmental. I just thought that my opinions were the right ones. Because I was comfortable with my opinions for a long time they didn’t bother me. But then in times of stress when the voice in my head would keep me up at night, I began to notice things were out of balance.
Most everyone has this type of chatter in their mind to varying degrees. The difference is that some people identify with it, and feel it is them. Other people realize that their mind has taken on a life of its own and decide to do something about it. One of the most helpful things in this process of quieting the voice in your head (the Voice) is to realize where it came from and what it is doing there. Understanding the origin of the Voice will help you let go of judgmental reactions during this process.
The Voice also told me what to do in order to get rewarded with attention, and love, “I should…clean up my room, eat my vegetables, be quiet, stay in line and get good grades.” Do these things and people will like you, accept you, and love you. Do these things and you will be happy. The Voice echoed all the right rules based on the punishments and rewards stored in memory.
As a young child, I saw adults as very unpredictable, so I began to trust the little voice in my head more than anyone else. Even my parents who loved me couldn’t be completely trusted because they would also punish if I did something wrong. Maybe I got blamed and punished for what my brother or sister did, and concluded that I couldn’t trust mom or dad with the truth. The voice in my head was the guide to emotional safety in a world of bigger people who had the power to punish me and take away my rewards.
I created that Voice in my Head by building memory with rules. I invested a lot of faith in the Voice as something I could trust in an uncertain world. It became like a Guardian Angel speaking in my mind telling me what to do. I gave it great authority and power over my choices and trusted it to be right.
The Voice grew and learned to look at things in my past and gave interpretations of what I “should have done” and “shouldn’t have done.” It gave me advice about my future and what I “should do,” and “should be.” Its opinion was built with the intelligence of my own logic. It drew on every memory for evidence. Later in life the voice sounds like me speaking and thinking when it is only the echoes of memory that have come alive. Sometimes we mistakenly put our trust in the voice from memory and think we are trusting our Self. We lose our identity and follow the rules of should and shouldn’t echoing from the past instead of being in the moment.
If we had a broken heart the Voice would make rules so I didn’t get hurt again. It would declare, “All men are…” or “women are all the same.” It would swear off a whole gender as a solution to not feeling emotionally hurt. “Falling in love just leads to heartbreak.” It made declarations not based in truth. Later in life the rules make us afraid of expressing our love and asking for what we want.
There was no other part of our mind monitoring it for exaggerations and common sense in those moments. We had trusted its logic implicitly for so many years we didn’t question the exaggerations or faulty logic. We agreed to the rules with no consideration for how it might limit our happiness and choices for the rest of our life.
We spend our energy trying to satisfy its rules hardly noticing many of those rules contradict each other. “We should go after that promotion” conflicts with “I should spend more time with my family.” “I want to ask her out,” conflicts with fear of her saying no. Amidst this chaos in the mind we forget that all the rules were intended to bring us happiness in our life. Yet emotions like love and joy hardly have room to be felt amidst its incessant chatter of what we “should” do and “shouldn’t do.” At this point our Guardian Angel has fallen into may fear based and false beliefs and spends its time yelling them at us.
The reality to accept is that the Voice in your head does not know how to be happy. It only knows what it stored in memory from the past about how other people would react. It knows how we should have behaved in the past in order to get the best reaction from people in the past. It has knowledge of what we have to do for others to accept us, but not about how to accept our self. The voice does not know how to express love or joy, or laugh.
One of the first steps to eliminating self-judgments and chatter is to recognize that the voice in your head never means you any harm. It may be the source of self-criticism and unkind comments, but that was never its intent. Believe it or not, it originally developed to help us feel emotionally safe and happy. It is usually operating under the premise that it is trying to protect us.
The path to emotional integrity and harmony with your mind is through awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness, something the voice in our head knows nothing about. We begin to discover, for the first time, that our happiness in life has little to do with other people’s reactions and more to do with expressing our own emotions of love. The rules the voice in your head have you follow do not usually direct you to follow your heart and do what you love. Fortunately there is a lot more to our being than just the thinking voice. We have many other dimensions that we can look to for guidance in overcoming the voice in our head and creating happiness in our life.
Understanding this is a big step towards quieting that Voice. It will allow you to let go of your complaints and judgments about the fallen angel. Recognizing that it did the very best that it could will help break the judgments you have about that Voice. With an understanding that it never meant you any harm comes the opportunity for acceptance and compassion. Acceptance and compassion for your self is an important first step towards the redemption of a fallen angel that lives in your head.
After hundreds of relapses, many detoxes, rehabs, inpatient outpatient programs, 28 months stint in a TC and countless, countless 12 step meetings, finally now I live in peace and quiet. The voice in my head is no more. Don’t do what I did and spend ¾ of your life trying to quiet the voice on your own, it wont work. I had to set aside my Selfishness and Self Centeredness in order to be where I am today.
I don't think you want to focus on being some way that you were in the past. life builds upon itself, and our experiences shape and change us along the way. Continue your therapy, find help and guidance for your moods, and you will learn many wonderful things about yourself and life, and you won't be the person you were before, but you will be an even wiser and freer person in the now.
With love and respect
TB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((darling hens and roosters)))).
Sorry I haven't posted, I've over scheduled myself. I have checked in so I think I know what's up with everyone.
((((JayBird))). for me, as time and therapy went on, I was able to find a place to put my feelings, a way to sort them so I could manage. I found a way to work it out, some. I started doing volunteer work first and later on professionally to help others. Justice is important to me so I worked in a way I could to help others who might not be able to stand up for themselves. I did this for about 10 years actively and now when and how I can.
for me, trying to find some resolution to my past as come in fits and starts. More has been revealed over time and I think I have more understanding now. Most of it had nothing to do with Me! My mother had some serious issues she just never got help with. she lived an angry life, alone with pain and rage. she acted it out in ways that were unhealthy for her and pretty much everyone around her. I'm more settled about it today. Please keep working with your therapist. You have so much good in you. Underneath all the pain and anger, there's a kind and loving man. that much shines through in your posts. I believe you will overcome and rise.
(((TOD))) I wish you well with your detox. Do you have plans for the future as far as longer term treatment? I really needed to have a plan in place for dealing with my stuff. does the VA have any counseling in place you can attend? maybe get to the bottom of your psychic pain? I know in my case, my physical pains are part of my reaction to my mental pain. I don't if that makes sense to you. I'm not a very good explainer.
((((Matt)))) Nice to see you! Please feel free to join us!
I got through my events without too much trouble. had fun. ate too much! Now I have a July 4th party to attend and a show to see. I have no idea what to wear so I'm glad it will dark!
Poor FuzzyB is holding is own. We are out on the couch now having a cuddle. I was telling him about this cat I saw playing with a grasshopper. he seemed to like the story and was purring. LOL He used to drag crickets in the house from under the crack in the screen door and bring them into the bed! Ohhhh noooo! I don't like bugs.
I have to get a move on. We have a lot of stuff to get done with afternoon. I am feeling anxious and tired already. I swear, socializing is just hard work for me these days. how pathetic is that? We are going to see our friends new band. It's at a club across town and with the freeway exits closed for repairs and the detours, the traffic just stinks.
that's my news! so please everyone know I am keeping you all in my thoughts.
Much love from Lenina
Sorry I haven't posted, I've over scheduled myself. I have checked in so I think I know what's up with everyone.
((((JayBird))). for me, as time and therapy went on, I was able to find a place to put my feelings, a way to sort them so I could manage. I found a way to work it out, some. I started doing volunteer work first and later on professionally to help others. Justice is important to me so I worked in a way I could to help others who might not be able to stand up for themselves. I did this for about 10 years actively and now when and how I can.
for me, trying to find some resolution to my past as come in fits and starts. More has been revealed over time and I think I have more understanding now. Most of it had nothing to do with Me! My mother had some serious issues she just never got help with. she lived an angry life, alone with pain and rage. she acted it out in ways that were unhealthy for her and pretty much everyone around her. I'm more settled about it today. Please keep working with your therapist. You have so much good in you. Underneath all the pain and anger, there's a kind and loving man. that much shines through in your posts. I believe you will overcome and rise.
(((TOD))) I wish you well with your detox. Do you have plans for the future as far as longer term treatment? I really needed to have a plan in place for dealing with my stuff. does the VA have any counseling in place you can attend? maybe get to the bottom of your psychic pain? I know in my case, my physical pains are part of my reaction to my mental pain. I don't if that makes sense to you. I'm not a very good explainer.
((((Matt)))) Nice to see you! Please feel free to join us!
I got through my events without too much trouble. had fun. ate too much! Now I have a July 4th party to attend and a show to see. I have no idea what to wear so I'm glad it will dark!
Poor FuzzyB is holding is own. We are out on the couch now having a cuddle. I was telling him about this cat I saw playing with a grasshopper. he seemed to like the story and was purring. LOL He used to drag crickets in the house from under the crack in the screen door and bring them into the bed! Ohhhh noooo! I don't like bugs.
I have to get a move on. We have a lot of stuff to get done with afternoon. I am feeling anxious and tired already. I swear, socializing is just hard work for me these days. how pathetic is that? We are going to see our friends new band. It's at a club across town and with the freeway exits closed for repairs and the detours, the traffic just stinks.
that's my news! so please everyone know I am keeping you all in my thoughts.
Much love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I turned in the application for the volunteer job. I then had the pleasure of finding the Marshal's office to submit paperwork to get a background check and MVR. Have no idea how in-depth the background check goes, out of my hands.
Looked for something to get to wear to the brat's wedding and everything was either wrong size, wrong color or waaay to expensive. Came home to get Elvis in so he won't die of a heat stroke. Just had a phone interview with a temp agency, short, sweet and "we have nothing to offer you right now" but I can call back once a week. Don't think it's anything I said wrong, unless the fact that I'm not driving over 40 miles one way - did that with the old job and that gets expensive.
Still grumpy but think it's as much staying home as anything. Too damned hot to go outside. I am looking forward to Wed. at the lake and fireworks.
Going to start on next assignments so I can get ahead in school.
((Love to all))
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Looked for something to get to wear to the brat's wedding and everything was either wrong size, wrong color or waaay to expensive. Came home to get Elvis in so he won't die of a heat stroke. Just had a phone interview with a temp agency, short, sweet and "we have nothing to offer you right now" but I can call back once a week. Don't think it's anything I said wrong, unless the fact that I'm not driving over 40 miles one way - did that with the old job and that gets expensive.
Still grumpy but think it's as much staying home as anything. Too damned hot to go outside. I am looking forward to Wed. at the lake and fireworks.
Going to start on next assignments so I can get ahead in school.
((Love to all))
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
A picture of Q. Isn’t he a handsome furbabie. I love him so much.
My 5th wheel. All nice and clean. It took me two days to wash that sucker with the weather being so hot.
My next door neighbors Allen tomato plants. He is also growing eggplant and green peppers.
That is the basketball court and the building you see is the campground general store, the second floor is the laundry room.
A picture of the campground.
I hope you like them.
TB
My 5th wheel. All nice and clean. It took me two days to wash that sucker with the weather being so hot.
My next door neighbors Allen tomato plants. He is also growing eggplant and green peppers.
That is the basketball court and the building you see is the campground general store, the second floor is the laundry room.
A picture of the campground.
I hope you like them.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Ah, (((TB))) home sweet home! lovely. looks so homey, and inviting. how nice and clean and i like your truck too. I have an older chevy truck, a 97. i love it.
what an awesome post! I never thought of it in that way. it is very helpful. i have been wanting to move aside the negative thoughts which bring fears, almost secretly they sneak in, and I dont even know why I have them. lately, i have been wanting to break free of the negative talking that my brain does to me. this is very helpful. you should be a speaker.
(((amy))) sounds like things are moving along. hope you find somehting you want to wear. you will be pretty in what ever it is. hugs
(((Lenina))) how are you? I hope you have fun at your friends band concert. what sort of music is it? kiss (((FuzzyB))) for me. how sweet that he likes stories. i need to try that with my kitties.
love to all. first day back from vaca. ugh. off tomorrow tho so sleepy, i might just nap here..
what an awesome post! I never thought of it in that way. it is very helpful. i have been wanting to move aside the negative thoughts which bring fears, almost secretly they sneak in, and I dont even know why I have them. lately, i have been wanting to break free of the negative talking that my brain does to me. this is very helpful. you should be a speaker.
(((amy))) sounds like things are moving along. hope you find somehting you want to wear. you will be pretty in what ever it is. hugs
(((Lenina))) how are you? I hope you have fun at your friends band concert. what sort of music is it? kiss (((FuzzyB))) for me. how sweet that he likes stories. i need to try that with my kitties.
love to all. first day back from vaca. ugh. off tomorrow tho
so sleepy, i might just nap here..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions today, but recovery and what I've learned is holding strong.
Sm is mad because I'M still angry about her actions the other day - not knowing if she was just f'd up or having a stroke, and dad pointing out that calling an ambulance is money we don't have.
All I know (which I JUST learned) is that the brat and bf are getting married on a mountain and dad needs to be there early Fri. night for rehearsal but what time is "early"? Don't have a clue.
I'm frustratd...immaturity, assuming that everyone will do/be what their supposed to with now knowledge.
I've found a hotel that allows pets (we have to take the dog). I'm waiting for sm to talk to brat's bf's g'mother to see if we are near where the wedding will be. I let sm have it, that sh is the one talking to the brat every day but she is perfectly content leaving details to dad and I. Dad hasn't done anything either as he's been busy.
Sooooo, as soon as I find out, I am going to make hotel reservations. I am getting my own room, and I will drive myself up there if need be. As much as I complain about my brat, I love her SO much and this is a major part of her life and I'm going to be there.
I'm also having trouble with a teammate on my school project. She complained that it sounded like she didn't contribute (we get 25 points/week for contribution). Well, she really didn't contribute. I gave her suggestions but I'm beyond the point of dragging someone else along in what their supposed to do.
B***H? Standing up for myself? I'm thinking I'm doing the latter, but it's totally not in my comfort zone, so sorry for going into it all. 50 years old and I'm still trying to figure out the right and best stuff to do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Sm is mad because I'M still angry about her actions the other day - not knowing if she was just f'd up or having a stroke, and dad pointing out that calling an ambulance is money we don't have.
All I know (which I JUST learned) is that the brat and bf are getting married on a mountain and dad needs to be there early Fri. night for rehearsal but what time is "early"? Don't have a clue.
I'm frustratd...immaturity, assuming that everyone will do/be what their supposed to with now knowledge.
I've found a hotel that allows pets (we have to take the dog). I'm waiting for sm to talk to brat's bf's g'mother to see if we are near where the wedding will be. I let sm have it, that sh is the one talking to the brat every day but she is perfectly content leaving details to dad and I. Dad hasn't done anything either as he's been busy.
Sooooo, as soon as I find out, I am going to make hotel reservations. I am getting my own room, and I will drive myself up there if need be. As much as I complain about my brat, I love her SO much and this is a major part of her life and I'm going to be there.
I'm also having trouble with a teammate on my school project. She complained that it sounded like she didn't contribute (we get 25 points/week for contribution). Well, she really didn't contribute. I gave her suggestions but I'm beyond the point of dragging someone else along in what their supposed to do.
B***H? Standing up for myself? I'm thinking I'm doing the latter, but it's totally not in my comfort zone, so sorry for going into it all. 50 years old and I'm still trying to figure out the right and best stuff to do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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