I am protective of myself ((Chicory)). That's the problem. I am TOO protective. It is impeding on my daily life and I don't know how to stop and just let go. Be free. I can't--I won't. I can't stand it though. It's making me crazy. I can't connect to people and even when I try and get so close to succeeding it gets too scary again and I recoil and **** it all up. I push away from everybody. All it turns into is a lot of people who are annoyed with me because they can't understand why I'm their friend one day and then a totally different person the next day. It's not like I'm mean to them, I'm just "cold" and distant and unresponsive. They ask me if I'd rather be somewhere else and of course I say no, and in an emotional way I mean it, but in a mental way I don't. I am ******* desperate to be close with someone, have a real friend that I know I can trust and that they can trust me back, but the mental parts of me say "I would rather be alone than spend time with you" but the emotional parts of me want attachment and closeness and connection and don't want to be anywhere else. I know I'm not making any sense, but it makes sense to me. I'm tired of feeling like a miserable, lonely person. I'm tired of emanating an cold, intimidating, get-away-from-me attitude which I didn't even know I did until someone told me that. You can only imagine the kind of balls it took for that person to say it to my face. They eventually stopped bothering with me too because no one can break into the impenetrable fortress that is myself. I feel incredible guilt and shame that I have been acting this way. I don't mean to and I certainly don't want to. I feel such guilt because nobody deserves to feel like they're being ignored or getting the cold-shoulder when they've done nothing to deserve it, they have been nothing but nice to me. I am ashamed that I have morphed into such a person to do that, unknowingly or subconsciously perhaps. I am so distraught over this and I'm tired of working on it because I don't know where the root of the problem is. I don't know how to resolve it and at this point, I don't think I'm ever going to. As my mom would tell me, I am a failure and I am underserving of anybody. Especially all of you.
As much as I hate that woman, she's right. What I was talking about last night, the "things" I used to receive as a child, those all came from her. I thought her love for me had changed when she found out I was doing drugs, but it didn't because her love was never there. I didn't remember these things before, but I do now. It is eating me up inside. Being left alone for hours and sometimes even a whole day when I was just a little kid, making me eat by myself because I wasn't "clean" enough for the dinner table, telling me to go away when I had nightmares and literally telling me once that she hopes the monsters take me away because I was being a pain in the ass. I had most, if not all of this, buried deep deep within me and it didn't come to surface till recently. I wish I could put it back. I don't want to know that she hated me all my life. I don't want to know that I was always a mistake in her eyes. What scares me the most is that I'm sure there's more. What if there are worse things to uncover. I can't handle anymore. This is driving me to the edge. The breaking point. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality. I may be an adult now but I feel like a child when I recoil from attachment to people. I feel like a child because that part of me got stuck there in the turmoil, I wasn't allowed to work through anything, I didn't know HOW to work through anything, it all just got pushed aside because nothing about me was important. It still isn't. Not to her. She'll never give a damn about me or anybody but herself. How do you heal from such past injustices? I don't think it's possible.
I know you all will tell me that none of it is true, that she's ****** up and whatever she says doesn't matter. That it's all in the past and that I should just forget about it, move on, live in the present or whatever. It doesn't matter how much I ignore it and live in the present because it's affecting me now. I can live in the present all I want but the damage that's been done...that's what makes me what I am today. That needs to be undone and I can't very well move on from it if I don't go back and fix it somehow. I need to figure out how to make things okay but I don't know how to do that. There must be a way, people out there do it, I think I'm just too slow to figure it out. I just feel like giving up, I already left a message to cancel my appointment on Wednesday, I don't want to go. I wouldn't be able to talk or say anything. I know I'll just go in there and shut down, she'll get about 3 words out of me and I'll be gone. I just don't care. It's not helping me. Not right now.