cocaine abuse, help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
cocaine abuse, help
Hello,
I went to the chat room after registering, nobodyh is there. I need to talk to someone, no phone. Have messengers and am online. I went to the newcomer board first, then I noticed this drug addiction board. Please respond
I went to the chat room after registering, nobodyh is there. I need to talk to someone, no phone. Have messengers and am online. I went to the newcomer board first, then I noticed this drug addiction board. Please respond
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Hi and welcome.
I'll be off to sleep soon since I get up at dawn for work.But hang around.Do some reading here and on the NA forum.Others may be along,especially where you posted in Newcomers.It sometimes takes a bit to get replies,but be assured that you are in a good place here.Keep coming back.
phoenix
I'll be off to sleep soon since I get up at dawn for work.But hang around.Do some reading here and on the NA forum.Others may be along,especially where you posted in Newcomers.It sometimes takes a bit to get replies,but be assured that you are in a good place here.Keep coming back.
phoenix
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
Hi everyone,
Stephanie advised that maybe I should tell a little about myself. I will try not to bore you to tears, I tend to be very descriptive and long winded. I guess I just feel that it's the best way to get it all out.
Raised in Louisiana, single parent home. Mom was educated but had mental illness. She did the best she could. I wen to College but did not graduate. Depression runs in mom's family. Mom died in 2022, I have not even begun to get over it to this day. I am 2 years divorced. Okay, it's important to understand why I am here in Michigan, this is a major issue in my life. I moved here from Colorado (big mistake) because my wife was from here and had family, freinds, etc. I of course, had no family (mom was still alive, but no other family that I ever was in contact with; whole 'nother story there) I had also been using meth, selling it actually, selling cocaine too; alot of it. But I have always had a strong mind, good will power (until recently) and was ablwe to keep my usage down. So, we move here for a new start for me, and a new start for her too. She graduated college but had never been in the professional workplace, utilizing her degree. The second we got here, I could tell that people in the midwest (no offense to anyone here personally) were not very friendly people. Obviously folks from Michigan don't like outsiders, they all think we're out to get their factory job, this whole union oriented society here is whacky! Keep in mind that I had a 11 year career in radio, had NEVER had a problem meeting people or getting along and had lived in 4 states and 9 cities ranging from Louisiana to Colorado. I am intelligent and genuinely like people. 6 years later, I am more depressed, upset, confused, financially "f"d up (this is so my fault) that I wake up everyday hating myself, where I am, etc. Naturally, because of the drug use over the past 3 years, my credit is as bad as it gets, I have no savings, no friends, in and out of bad relationship after another and I see no hope for happiness.
I have gone to a few "alano" meetings here, but the people that are there are either drunk or high AT the meeting, or just not very open and accepting. I have recently opened my heart to god, but I know god will not help me because I am not helping myself.
I have no motivation to do the basic tasks around the house, which Irent. I only do laundry at the very last second, sometimes only doing one set of work clothes a day. I am too scared to go to chuech by myself, I have ran away from god my whole life (southern babtist background can do that to people) so it's not simple for me to go to church. I was never taught how to fix myself, although I had done a fine job most fo my life in spite of this, that is until my mom died and my marriage fell apart. I want so badly to move away from here and go somewhere else, where people are friendly. I also want to better myself, wherever I go I will still want to get high, but I strongly believe environment plays a big part in how we adapt to life. You are fooling yourself if you do not realize that. At any rate, I use alot of cocaine, I am in debt, am lonely, depressed and my life is out of control.
I am so glad I found this site, I will monitor any responses from work, but will get home tonight and log on immediately. I woke up so excited that I think I may have found some like minded people. Thank you for reading and trying to understand!
tim
Stephanie advised that maybe I should tell a little about myself. I will try not to bore you to tears, I tend to be very descriptive and long winded. I guess I just feel that it's the best way to get it all out.
Raised in Louisiana, single parent home. Mom was educated but had mental illness. She did the best she could. I wen to College but did not graduate. Depression runs in mom's family. Mom died in 2022, I have not even begun to get over it to this day. I am 2 years divorced. Okay, it's important to understand why I am here in Michigan, this is a major issue in my life. I moved here from Colorado (big mistake) because my wife was from here and had family, freinds, etc. I of course, had no family (mom was still alive, but no other family that I ever was in contact with; whole 'nother story there) I had also been using meth, selling it actually, selling cocaine too; alot of it. But I have always had a strong mind, good will power (until recently) and was ablwe to keep my usage down. So, we move here for a new start for me, and a new start for her too. She graduated college but had never been in the professional workplace, utilizing her degree. The second we got here, I could tell that people in the midwest (no offense to anyone here personally) were not very friendly people. Obviously folks from Michigan don't like outsiders, they all think we're out to get their factory job, this whole union oriented society here is whacky! Keep in mind that I had a 11 year career in radio, had NEVER had a problem meeting people or getting along and had lived in 4 states and 9 cities ranging from Louisiana to Colorado. I am intelligent and genuinely like people. 6 years later, I am more depressed, upset, confused, financially "f"d up (this is so my fault) that I wake up everyday hating myself, where I am, etc. Naturally, because of the drug use over the past 3 years, my credit is as bad as it gets, I have no savings, no friends, in and out of bad relationship after another and I see no hope for happiness.
I have gone to a few "alano" meetings here, but the people that are there are either drunk or high AT the meeting, or just not very open and accepting. I have recently opened my heart to god, but I know god will not help me because I am not helping myself.
I have no motivation to do the basic tasks around the house, which Irent. I only do laundry at the very last second, sometimes only doing one set of work clothes a day. I am too scared to go to chuech by myself, I have ran away from god my whole life (southern babtist background can do that to people) so it's not simple for me to go to church. I was never taught how to fix myself, although I had done a fine job most fo my life in spite of this, that is until my mom died and my marriage fell apart. I want so badly to move away from here and go somewhere else, where people are friendly. I also want to better myself, wherever I go I will still want to get high, but I strongly believe environment plays a big part in how we adapt to life. You are fooling yourself if you do not realize that. At any rate, I use alot of cocaine, I am in debt, am lonely, depressed and my life is out of control.
I am so glad I found this site, I will monitor any responses from work, but will get home tonight and log on immediately. I woke up so excited that I think I may have found some like minded people. Thank you for reading and trying to understand!
tim
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Enterprise, AL
Posts: 3
Hey,
Thank you for sharing your story.
I moved about a year ago from Chicago to the lower east tip or Alabama, and I have been dealing with tring to stay clean. I hate the meeting down here, they are all kids it seems, that are being forced to go to these meetings. But I go. I go knowing this, and seeing that no matter what the people are like, it just makes me feel better just to go. I read my blue book every night before I go to bed as well. that tend to help me out more then the meetings. The Bottom line is, I just wanted to tell you, that I hope you don't give up on yourself, and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Amy
Thank you for sharing your story.
I moved about a year ago from Chicago to the lower east tip or Alabama, and I have been dealing with tring to stay clean. I hate the meeting down here, they are all kids it seems, that are being forced to go to these meetings. But I go. I go knowing this, and seeing that no matter what the people are like, it just makes me feel better just to go. I read my blue book every night before I go to bed as well. that tend to help me out more then the meetings. The Bottom line is, I just wanted to tell you, that I hope you don't give up on yourself, and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,562
Hi Tim,
I am sorry for the loss of your mother and for the problems in your life now - your loneliness and depression. I, too, suffer from depression and am an alcoholic (sober 3 years) and believe, that where you live is very important. I obsessed about wanting to return to the city where I grew up believing that would make me happy and that was the only way I could be happy. I was wrong. I had to change myself and my outlook - not where I live. I was a military wife for 22 years and moved A LOT and since then have moved another few times. I found with my last move that I had not made friends with a lot of people. It's a large city and I'm not a joiner so I felt isolated. I decided to not worry about it and I began to do the things I love doing and, not surprisingly, I began to meet people, some of who are now my friends.
If you have tried NA meetings and found people to be unfriendly, perhaps you could try a meeting in another area. Or, you can hang around this board. There are lots of supportive, understanding and inspirational people here. If you are depressed have you seen a doctor. Perhaps medication would make a big difference in your life. It helps many people.
You say that you hate where you are financially, socially, etc. It sounds overwhelming and probably feels that way to you. Just take small steps - don't try to work everything out at once. Just try to make one small change in one part of your life. It can make a difference.
You are right that you have to help yourself. You need to really want to stop using cocaine. When you want that, you will be able to do it.
Keep posting Tim and let us know how you are doing.
Love, Anna
I am sorry for the loss of your mother and for the problems in your life now - your loneliness and depression. I, too, suffer from depression and am an alcoholic (sober 3 years) and believe, that where you live is very important. I obsessed about wanting to return to the city where I grew up believing that would make me happy and that was the only way I could be happy. I was wrong. I had to change myself and my outlook - not where I live. I was a military wife for 22 years and moved A LOT and since then have moved another few times. I found with my last move that I had not made friends with a lot of people. It's a large city and I'm not a joiner so I felt isolated. I decided to not worry about it and I began to do the things I love doing and, not surprisingly, I began to meet people, some of who are now my friends.
If you have tried NA meetings and found people to be unfriendly, perhaps you could try a meeting in another area. Or, you can hang around this board. There are lots of supportive, understanding and inspirational people here. If you are depressed have you seen a doctor. Perhaps medication would make a big difference in your life. It helps many people.
You say that you hate where you are financially, socially, etc. It sounds overwhelming and probably feels that way to you. Just take small steps - don't try to work everything out at once. Just try to make one small change in one part of your life. It can make a difference.
You are right that you have to help yourself. You need to really want to stop using cocaine. When you want that, you will be able to do it.
Keep posting Tim and let us know how you are doing.
Love, Anna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
Hi, thank you for the response 
Funny thing, I pray, no, I BEG god to help me find the strength, but every payday, I find myself making that call. I have a few passages from the bible I keep at my bedside and I read them. I have felt out of control for a while now, every time I call the abuse hotline locally here, nobody is there. I guess they are all out getting high, haha! Sorry, probably not funny, at least I can laugh at myself. Anyway, I got my internet hooked up at home and took the opportunity to look online for like minded people. I am so strung out today, overdid it this weekend
Thanks again for your support!
Funny thing, I pray, no, I BEG god to help me find the strength, but every payday, I find myself making that call. I have a few passages from the bible I keep at my bedside and I read them. I have felt out of control for a while now, every time I call the abuse hotline locally here, nobody is there. I guess they are all out getting high, haha! Sorry, probably not funny, at least I can laugh at myself. Anyway, I got my internet hooked up at home and took the opportunity to look online for like minded people. I am so strung out today, overdid it this weekend
Thanks again for your support!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,562
Tim, I'm on and off the computer throughout the day and I'll be happy to chat with you anytime. Feel free to Private Message me too, if you like. I know what the obsession is like Tim and that you find yourself making the call without even consciously deciding to it. I know I would find myself buying alcohol without even really understanding how I ended up there.
But, it doesn't have to control you. And, I can't tell you what an amazing feeling it is to be rid of that obsession. To be able to think about other things, I feel like the world reopened to me. Believe in yourself Tim and lean on us here at the SR board.
Wish you a good and sober day/night.
Love, Anna
But, it doesn't have to control you. And, I can't tell you what an amazing feeling it is to be rid of that obsession. To be able to think about other things, I feel like the world reopened to me. Believe in yourself Tim and lean on us here at the SR board.
Wish you a good and sober day/night.
Love, Anna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
Hi Sienna,
Thank you,
I do not want to go back home, there is nothing for me there; I have no illusions about that. However, I am weak, I admit it freely, I need support, assistance, I cannot find it locally, and I am very glad that I found this site, very glad indeed. As I am siting here at work, feeling like death eatin' a cracker, I find that I have done my job well today, better than most (as usual, at least I can say that) I cannot wait to go home. I got paid today, and I think I am going to the CVS pharmacy tonight and buy o ton of cold (yeah, a cold, that;s it) medicine. Last night was a long, long night. Couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep. Thanks again
butterfly-I do see a therapist, have for several years now...does no good, although I really enjoy talking with her. Doesn't help with the dope. And I did take medicine for a while, it helped take the edge off the anxiety and help clear my mind. didn't help with the dope though. this has to be on my shoulders only, no medicine can help that. I will get it done, I know I will; but it will take small steps like you said. I know I will slip from time to time, but it is so hard to begin right now. The next closest meetings are 45 minutes away from home. I don't get home at night until 8pm-10 pm so that's right out. I will keep searching, mean time I have all of you right?
Thank you,
I do not want to go back home, there is nothing for me there; I have no illusions about that. However, I am weak, I admit it freely, I need support, assistance, I cannot find it locally, and I am very glad that I found this site, very glad indeed. As I am siting here at work, feeling like death eatin' a cracker, I find that I have done my job well today, better than most (as usual, at least I can say that) I cannot wait to go home. I got paid today, and I think I am going to the CVS pharmacy tonight and buy o ton of cold (yeah, a cold, that;s it) medicine. Last night was a long, long night. Couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep. Thanks again
butterfly-I do see a therapist, have for several years now...does no good, although I really enjoy talking with her. Doesn't help with the dope. And I did take medicine for a while, it helped take the edge off the anxiety and help clear my mind. didn't help with the dope though. this has to be on my shoulders only, no medicine can help that. I will get it done, I know I will; but it will take small steps like you said. I know I will slip from time to time, but it is so hard to begin right now. The next closest meetings are 45 minutes away from home. I don't get home at night until 8pm-10 pm so that's right out. I will keep searching, mean time I have all of you right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
sorry about the name thing, my contacts were out for a while, my eyes are so irritated. I tell ya, why can't coc have, like 0 side effects? sheesh, just kidding.
51anna, I will make sure I get that right!
what's your story 51anna? Is it posted anywhere?
51anna, I will make sure I get that right!
what's your story 51anna? Is it posted anywhere?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,562
My story is pretty boring Tim . I grew up with an alcoholic mother and so, never drank at all until my mid-twenties and then just a few glasses of wine per year (really!). However, in my midforties things came together in a bad way. My husband was away A LOT, we had moved 13 times in 15 years, I was working full time and had two teenages at home and my daughter decided to rebel on a grand scale. I couldn't sleep and had struggled with depression and back pain for years that I couldn't get diagnosed. Soooo, I decided alcohol might help me sleep. It did work...but within a few weeks, I think I was drinking alcoholically. I was devastated, shocked, ashamed, guilty. But, I did not stop for three years. I truly believed there was nothing left in my life but alcohol and if I gave that up there would be nothing. That was the disease talking to me. I alienated my husband and children as only an addict can because all I cared about was alcohol. I have been sober for three years now. It is without question the best time of my life. I never would have believed I could find peace. For me, having medication for depression was the answer. Anyways....like I said, boring.
But, I found this board by accident, and enjoy chatting with the people here. We support each other. It's a good, safe place.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Tim.
Love, Anna
But, I found this board by accident, and enjoy chatting with the people here. We support each other. It's a good, safe place.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Tim.
Love, Anna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
Were you drinking all the time? Like, every day or was it, when you did it was to extreme?
My thing is that I do not do it all the time, thankfully I am still "strong" enough to realize I have to go to work, etc to stay alive, but man, do I over do it. Every Saturday, you can find me in my living room, sitting there watching tv, pacing back and forth, or just playing video games, blowing lines like crazy. Only recently has the depression gotten so bad that I don't even really talk to anyone anymore, I used to still be able to maintain my life, but now it's totally out of control. Hell, even now I am trying to fight off the desire to go home and pop open the bottle where I keep all my dope and watch the football game, I need to keep saying no...difficult when it's sitting there waiting for me, you know? I feel lucky to be able to share this very personal and dark part of me with you all, thank you. I can't even bring myself to tell my only brother. He lives in Florida and has cancer; oh yeah it gets worse. I myself survived brain cancer, but I can't lose my brother, even though we were never close. I would much rather have hiom go on than me continue to waste my life, at least he's trying.
My thing is that I do not do it all the time, thankfully I am still "strong" enough to realize I have to go to work, etc to stay alive, but man, do I over do it. Every Saturday, you can find me in my living room, sitting there watching tv, pacing back and forth, or just playing video games, blowing lines like crazy. Only recently has the depression gotten so bad that I don't even really talk to anyone anymore, I used to still be able to maintain my life, but now it's totally out of control. Hell, even now I am trying to fight off the desire to go home and pop open the bottle where I keep all my dope and watch the football game, I need to keep saying no...difficult when it's sitting there waiting for me, you know? I feel lucky to be able to share this very personal and dark part of me with you all, thank you. I can't even bring myself to tell my only brother. He lives in Florida and has cancer; oh yeah it gets worse. I myself survived brain cancer, but I can't lose my brother, even though we were never close. I would much rather have hiom go on than me continue to waste my life, at least he's trying.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,562
Tim, you are not wasting your life. Your life is precious and you are here on earth for an important reason. You owe it to yourself to discover what that reason is. I hope that doesn't sound just like mumbo-jumbo, but I had a close call with a serious illness and it made me work every day about seeing the positive. Medication helps my depression, but every single day I have to tell myself that I deserve to be happy and that I deserve good things in my life. At first, that sounded crazy to me, but as time goes by I'm kind of liking it.
My drinking was every few days for awhile, but almost every day towards the end. There was no in-between for me. It was all or nothing. I tried to maintain my 'normal' life but it became almost impossible.
One thing I would ask you is why do you keep drugs at home if you want to quit? I cannot keep alcohol in the house. I can go to parties/dinners where others drink and that's fine, but my weak time is in the middle of the night when the thoughts in my head just don't want to quiet down. There are some nights I know I couldn't just say 'no'. So my husband supports me and stopped drinking to support me.
Your depression is a concern. Did you say you've tried anti-depressants and they didn't work? If so, that's too bad. Because I agree that talking with professionals can help, but it doesn't help a lot.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with brain cancer. That must have been terrifying. I'm so glad you have survived. You know Tim, the fact that you survived cancer should give you inspiration to live life to the fullest. We only have the moment! I'm terribly sorry about your brother. It's awful to see someone you love go through such a disease.
For what it's worth, I'm enjoying chatting with you and I hope you'll keep posting.
You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight,
Hugs and love, Anna
My drinking was every few days for awhile, but almost every day towards the end. There was no in-between for me. It was all or nothing. I tried to maintain my 'normal' life but it became almost impossible.
One thing I would ask you is why do you keep drugs at home if you want to quit? I cannot keep alcohol in the house. I can go to parties/dinners where others drink and that's fine, but my weak time is in the middle of the night when the thoughts in my head just don't want to quiet down. There are some nights I know I couldn't just say 'no'. So my husband supports me and stopped drinking to support me.
Your depression is a concern. Did you say you've tried anti-depressants and they didn't work? If so, that's too bad. Because I agree that talking with professionals can help, but it doesn't help a lot.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with brain cancer. That must have been terrifying. I'm so glad you have survived. You know Tim, the fact that you survived cancer should give you inspiration to live life to the fullest. We only have the moment! I'm terribly sorry about your brother. It's awful to see someone you love go through such a disease.
For what it's worth, I'm enjoying chatting with you and I hope you'll keep posting.
You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight,
Hugs and love, Anna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 22
Hey,
I can appreciate what you are saying. As far as keeping the dope here. Usually I do not. This is the first time in a long time that I have not used all I had; main reason is because it is alot. I bailed out a friend of mine and ended up with more than I would need, it was a mistake, I know that. Like I said I am weak, I can admit that.
The medication did work, took the edge off, but because of the drug use, they do nothing now; I have not taken any in over 3 months. I have noticed such a difference in my behavior, I need to get back on them. I hgave the new perscription called in and will get it this week. I hope to stay clean long enough for them top kick in, and then stay clean.
Yeah, cancer was scary, mine was a very nasty form too. I am very lucky and I know that. My brother ebing sick is totally scary; his faith in the lord is very strong and he remains strong, I totally respect that. I will check back and forth over the night. Gues what, I am doing laundry and watching the game. Thank you for your kindness today. I will not run away now that I havbe found this site!!
I can appreciate what you are saying. As far as keeping the dope here. Usually I do not. This is the first time in a long time that I have not used all I had; main reason is because it is alot. I bailed out a friend of mine and ended up with more than I would need, it was a mistake, I know that. Like I said I am weak, I can admit that.
The medication did work, took the edge off, but because of the drug use, they do nothing now; I have not taken any in over 3 months. I have noticed such a difference in my behavior, I need to get back on them. I hgave the new perscription called in and will get it this week. I hope to stay clean long enough for them top kick in, and then stay clean.
Yeah, cancer was scary, mine was a very nasty form too. I am very lucky and I know that. My brother ebing sick is totally scary; his faith in the lord is very strong and he remains strong, I totally respect that. I will check back and forth over the night. Gues what, I am doing laundry
and watching the game. Thank you for your kindness today. I will not run away now that I havbe found this site!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,562
Hey, doing laundry is good.
I think you are doing the right thing by going back on the meds for depression. It won't solve all your problems, but it can make you feel pretty good about getting up every day. As you probably know, it can a couple of weeks to kick in. I know how awful it feels to think that everything is pointless. But you are a survivor. Beating cancer proved that and you can beat this.
Again, I am very sorry about your brother. It must be so hard for you. But, right now, you do need to concentrate on yourself and getting better. What I've learned from this board is that recovery is ongoing and you need to focus on 'today'.
Did you look on the Narcotics Anonymous board here? The item: FYI: How it Works (by Pernell Johnson) might be of some help to you.
Take care.
Love, Anna
I think you are doing the right thing by going back on the meds for depression. It won't solve all your problems, but it can make you feel pretty good about getting up every day. As you probably know, it can a couple of weeks to kick in. I know how awful it feels to think that everything is pointless. But you are a survivor. Beating cancer proved that and you can beat this.
Again, I am very sorry about your brother. It must be so hard for you. But, right now, you do need to concentrate on yourself and getting better. What I've learned from this board is that recovery is ongoing and you need to focus on 'today'.
Did you look on the Narcotics Anonymous board here? The item: FYI: How it Works (by Pernell Johnson) might be of some help to you.
Take care.
Love, Anna
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