Tim, you are not wasting your life. Your life is precious and you are here on earth for an important reason. You owe it to yourself to discover what that reason is. I hope that doesn't sound just like mumbo-jumbo, but I had a close call with a serious illness and it made me work every day about seeing the positive. Medication helps my depression, but every single day I have to tell myself that I deserve to be happy and that I deserve good things in my life. At first, that sounded crazy to me, but as time goes by I'm kind of liking it.
My drinking was every few days for awhile, but almost every day towards the end. There was no in-between for me. It was all or nothing. I tried to maintain my 'normal' life but it became almost impossible.
One thing I would ask you is why do you keep drugs at home if you want to quit? I cannot keep alcohol in the house. I can go to parties/dinners where others drink and that's fine, but my weak time is in the middle of the night when the thoughts in my head just don't want to quiet down. There are some nights I know I couldn't just say 'no'. So my husband supports me and stopped drinking to support me.
Your depression is a concern. Did you say you've tried anti-depressants and they didn't work? If so, that's too bad. Because I agree that talking with professionals can help, but it doesn't help a lot.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with brain cancer. That must have been terrifying. I'm so glad you have survived. You know Tim, the fact that you survived cancer should give you inspiration to live life to the fullest. We only have the moment! I'm terribly sorry about your brother. It's awful to see someone you love go through such a disease.
For what it's worth, I'm enjoying chatting with you and I hope you'll keep posting.
You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight,
Hugs and love, Anna