a teaspoon of disappointment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: iowa cornfields
Posts: 126
a teaspoon of disappointment
I was going to blog this but I do not get many responses.
I'm frustrated with my life. I am not proud of what I am or who I am. An underachieving individual who can't seem to find the motivation to be who I want to be. A dead end job that's stressful (I know everyone's job is) and unrewarding. I want to feel good about what I do. And my job is anything but satisfying. I want to quit but don't think it would be wise in this economy. I feel stuck. Even if I did quit, the fear would come to a head. Am I too old for a change in "careers" ( I work in a warehouse)?.I know I am not but still in my mind I tell myself I am. The job is monotonous but stressful but also pretty easy. I want to look back on my deathbed and say I contributed, I did good in the world. I know that a job is a job and that there is more to life than work but spending eight to ten hours a day plus weekends seems to suck the life outta me. I want something rewarding.
Twenty-six living at home-somehow I am not surprised at how things have turned out but I never expected this. Growing up, I just thought there was a point when you became an adult and things would simply fall into place. Obviously, there is no instruction manual. Some days, I wish there was.
I must make advancements toward my goals-the problem is that I don't have any except for brief moments of pure motivation but they fade as quickly as they arrive. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I just feel beaten down. I know this self-pity is unhealthy but I always seem to be stuck in its muck.
I need to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. I need to have structure in my life. Right now, it's get up, work, anticipate if the boss wants me to come in early and stay late and work seven days a week. I find myself getting extremely angry at her but I suppress this disrespect. It's almost as if what life I have outside of work means nothing. She says I should be happy I have a job- a subtle little con game into getting me into saying yes. Most of the time I say no because when I do go in- I know she thinks I will WANT to go in for all that overtime. I just want to do my f*cking job and leave. I am amazed at how much this makes my thinking negative. It eats me.
Today I scored some Xanax and found a stray Vicodin. The smile on my face could not have gotten any wider. Without hesitation, I popped. Another relapse. It seems like this will always go on. Thinking about being sober is good but without deeds it is nothing and I know this. I feel like I shouldn't even be here on SR. I feel like a liar, a derelict. A loser not only because of my unability to stay clean but my unwillingness to truly change my life. I know I need a drastic change-the only thing that I truly believe will change things. But I feel trapped in a web of self-defeat and negativity and the spider is Life. I know that there's always room for self-improvement but it's taking that step that is hard for me. And when I do take that step, it feels good but in my mind the positive changes will erode and I'll go back to my seclusive, disappointing sadness. I need a kick in the a$$ from someone but I feel like that is an elusive dream. And I am so sick of these dreams. So burned out on these delusions of grandeur-you know thinking that one day I can be proud of who I am. I feel like even if I got clean for good I would still feel this way-always looking over my shoulder for that fiend disappointment. Sorry for ranting on but thanks for taking the time to read this.
I'm frustrated with my life. I am not proud of what I am or who I am. An underachieving individual who can't seem to find the motivation to be who I want to be. A dead end job that's stressful (I know everyone's job is) and unrewarding. I want to feel good about what I do. And my job is anything but satisfying. I want to quit but don't think it would be wise in this economy. I feel stuck. Even if I did quit, the fear would come to a head. Am I too old for a change in "careers" ( I work in a warehouse)?.I know I am not but still in my mind I tell myself I am. The job is monotonous but stressful but also pretty easy. I want to look back on my deathbed and say I contributed, I did good in the world. I know that a job is a job and that there is more to life than work but spending eight to ten hours a day plus weekends seems to suck the life outta me. I want something rewarding.
Twenty-six living at home-somehow I am not surprised at how things have turned out but I never expected this. Growing up, I just thought there was a point when you became an adult and things would simply fall into place. Obviously, there is no instruction manual. Some days, I wish there was.
I must make advancements toward my goals-the problem is that I don't have any except for brief moments of pure motivation but they fade as quickly as they arrive. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I just feel beaten down. I know this self-pity is unhealthy but I always seem to be stuck in its muck.
I need to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. I need to have structure in my life. Right now, it's get up, work, anticipate if the boss wants me to come in early and stay late and work seven days a week. I find myself getting extremely angry at her but I suppress this disrespect. It's almost as if what life I have outside of work means nothing. She says I should be happy I have a job- a subtle little con game into getting me into saying yes. Most of the time I say no because when I do go in- I know she thinks I will WANT to go in for all that overtime. I just want to do my f*cking job and leave. I am amazed at how much this makes my thinking negative. It eats me.
Today I scored some Xanax and found a stray Vicodin. The smile on my face could not have gotten any wider. Without hesitation, I popped. Another relapse. It seems like this will always go on. Thinking about being sober is good but without deeds it is nothing and I know this. I feel like I shouldn't even be here on SR. I feel like a liar, a derelict. A loser not only because of my unability to stay clean but my unwillingness to truly change my life. I know I need a drastic change-the only thing that I truly believe will change things. But I feel trapped in a web of self-defeat and negativity and the spider is Life. I know that there's always room for self-improvement but it's taking that step that is hard for me. And when I do take that step, it feels good but in my mind the positive changes will erode and I'll go back to my seclusive, disappointing sadness. I need a kick in the a$$ from someone but I feel like that is an elusive dream. And I am so sick of these dreams. So burned out on these delusions of grandeur-you know thinking that one day I can be proud of who I am. I feel like even if I got clean for good I would still feel this way-always looking over my shoulder for that fiend disappointment. Sorry for ranting on but thanks for taking the time to read this.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
You're twenty-six and asking if you're too old to change careers?? Um....no.
I was thirty-six when I went back to college. I'm 41 and in grad school as well as teaching now. I worked in a warehouse, too, a long time ago. And in between, I worked a lot of different jobs in a lot of different fields.
A suggestion? Get clean first. Make that a priority. Then figure out what you want to do -- and at 26, you have plenty of time to decide.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I was thirty-six when I went back to college. I'm 41 and in grad school as well as teaching now. I worked in a warehouse, too, a long time ago. And in between, I worked a lot of different jobs in a lot of different fields.
A suggestion? Get clean first. Make that a priority. Then figure out what you want to do -- and at 26, you have plenty of time to decide.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,566
I was 27 when I changed careers Pinpoint...and 40 when I changed my life and left the booze and the drugs behind.
You'll always find a reason to use - if you want to.
And every time you use, you're voting for the status quo to continue, Pin.
Sugahs right. Get clean first.
D
You'll always find a reason to use - if you want to.
And every time you use, you're voting for the status quo to continue, Pin.
Sugahs right. Get clean first.
D
Fighting To Stay Clean!
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: queenz
Posts: 21
hey buddy, fyi i'm 26 also and been doin the same job every day just like you for the past 6 years. At first I didn't like what i was doin... but learned to truly love it. I understand when you say you need scrutuce in your life... but you don't need a psychiatrist for that! trust me I've been to some... and they tell you things you already know. its BS BE YOU'RE own psychiatrist..you know what you want changed. Because you just posted about it. No one is going to help you but your self. I suggest reading "Awaken The Giant Within" By Anthony Robbins... i have many other books you can read that will speak to you directly. I only hope for the best for you... we are all on the same boat here. Good Luck Brother!
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Even if someone were to give you a kick in the ass, it wouldn't do any good.
If you aren't ready to stop, then you probably won't. It's all up to you today.
The only person responsible for your life and your choices is you. No one else.
There are many people who will help you, but do you want the help you need?
If you aren't ready to stop, then you probably won't. It's all up to you today.
The only person responsible for your life and your choices is you. No one else.
There are many people who will help you, but do you want the help you need?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
I'm 41, and a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, one year clean. I would give anything if I knew at 26, what I know now....my life would have been a lot different had I been able to see my future.
You're 26!!! Get a grip on this now before any more time passes, cause, when you're high, time seems to pass more quickly. You don't want to wake up one morning and bam! you're 36, and still doing the same thing.
Take care,
Penny
You're 26!!! Get a grip on this now before any more time passes, cause, when you're high, time seems to pass more quickly. You don't want to wake up one morning and bam! you're 36, and still doing the same thing.
Take care,
Penny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Upstate,NY
Posts: 489
Well I'm 52 and started my own buisiness at 30 prior to that, I was moving furniture ! I now employ 25 people. Advice: get and stay clean, you are going to feel like crap for a year off and on and not really going to be yourself. Make the best of your job and don't make any major changes, until you have a year clean.when the time comes get a game plan and start taking baby steps toward your goals, even if its only one phone call or reading a little info, start inching toward your goal. Right now you have a job you have a life deal with it ! Getting clean is your only priority.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: anaheim ca
Posts: 79
dude,
get off the pity pot and do something then. first you need to get and learn to stay sober and clean. how do you expect things to change it you do change yourself????????? i have a sponsee right now in a similar spot as you. i know things get rough when your not clean, but seriously take a look at what you wrote. your loathing in self pity, poor me pour me....
get off the pity pot and do something then. first you need to get and learn to stay sober and clean. how do you expect things to change it you do change yourself????????? i have a sponsee right now in a similar spot as you. i know things get rough when your not clean, but seriously take a look at what you wrote. your loathing in self pity, poor me pour me....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Oh dear. First off Pinpoint it's just I think you're tired and if you go to work 7 days a week you don't have rest or time for yourself, it's just all work and no play.
Why wait a year to make a change. I think you can make things change now. You can go back to school ... evening classes, online classes there is a way....... and there are grants, and funds to help with this goal.
Secondly, I don't see this as a pity poor me rant. I am not always feeling just fantastic and or at times even hopeful and to me SR is a place you should be able to talk about your problems without feeling guilty or have you feelings invalidated. Remember the posters on this site are not counselors or professionals, just people sharing their ESH. What works for them may or may not be what you need.
Maybe an outpatient IOP would give you some structure.
It's okay to need to talk about feelings and I have said it before if recovery and SR only wants people when they are strong and feel great then recovery is doomed. You have to start somewhere. Sometimes when I voice my problems I get clarity and understanding about what things I need to do. Sometimes a psychiatrist may tell me something I knew but I needed to hear it from someone else. Use those tools and keep writing here and your blog too. Don't give up on yourself, I just think you need a change of a job, some long term goals and some hope, mainly just some hope that things will be better in the future. Many hugs to you.
Why wait a year to make a change. I think you can make things change now. You can go back to school ... evening classes, online classes there is a way....... and there are grants, and funds to help with this goal.
Secondly, I don't see this as a pity poor me rant. I am not always feeling just fantastic and or at times even hopeful and to me SR is a place you should be able to talk about your problems without feeling guilty or have you feelings invalidated. Remember the posters on this site are not counselors or professionals, just people sharing their ESH. What works for them may or may not be what you need.
Maybe an outpatient IOP would give you some structure.
It's okay to need to talk about feelings and I have said it before if recovery and SR only wants people when they are strong and feel great then recovery is doomed. You have to start somewhere. Sometimes when I voice my problems I get clarity and understanding about what things I need to do. Sometimes a psychiatrist may tell me something I knew but I needed to hear it from someone else. Use those tools and keep writing here and your blog too. Don't give up on yourself, I just think you need a change of a job, some long term goals and some hope, mainly just some hope that things will be better in the future. Many hugs to you.
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