I was going to blog this but I do not get many responses.
I'm frustrated with my life. I am not proud of what I am or who I am. An underachieving individual who can't seem to find the motivation to be who I want to be. A dead end job that's stressful (I know everyone's job is) and unrewarding. I want to feel good about what I do. And my job is anything but satisfying. I want to quit but don't think it would be wise in this economy. I feel stuck. Even if I did quit, the fear would come to a head. Am I too old for a change in "careers" ( I work in a warehouse)?.I know I am not but still in my mind I tell myself I am. The job is monotonous but stressful but also pretty easy. I want to look back on my deathbed and say I contributed, I did good in the world. I know that a job is a job and that there is more to life than work but spending eight to ten hours a day plus weekends seems to suck the life outta me. I want something rewarding.
Twenty-six living at home-somehow I am not surprised at how things have turned out but I never expected this. Growing up, I just thought there was a point when you became an adult and things would simply fall into place. Obviously, there is no instruction manual. Some days, I wish there was.
I must make advancements toward my goals-the problem is that I don't have any except for brief moments of pure motivation but they fade as quickly as they arrive. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I just feel beaten down. I know this self-pity is unhealthy but I always seem to be stuck in its muck.
I need to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. I need to have structure in my life. Right now, it's get up, work, anticipate if the boss wants me to come in early and stay late and work seven days a week. I find myself getting extremely angry at her but I suppress this disrespect. It's almost as if what life I have outside of work means nothing. She says I should be happy I have a job- a subtle little con game into getting me into saying yes. Most of the time I say no because when I do go in- I know she thinks I will WANT to go in for all that overtime. I just want to do my f*cking job and leave. I am amazed at how much this makes my thinking negative. It eats me.
Today I scored some Xanax and found a stray Vicodin. The smile on my face could not have gotten any wider. Without hesitation, I popped. Another relapse. It seems like this will always go on. Thinking about being sober is good but without deeds it is nothing and I know this. I feel like I shouldn't even be here on SR. I feel like a liar, a derelict. A loser not only because of my unability to stay clean but my unwillingness to truly change my life. I know I need a drastic change-the only thing that I truly believe will change things. But I feel trapped in a web of self-defeat and negativity and the spider is Life. I know that there's always room for self-improvement but it's taking that step that is hard for me. And when I do take that step, it feels good but in my mind the positive changes will erode and I'll go back to my seclusive, disappointing sadness. I need a kick in the a$$ from someone but I feel like that is an elusive dream. And I am so sick of these dreams. So burned out on these delusions of grandeur-you know thinking that one day I can be proud of who I am. I feel like even if I got clean for good I would still feel this way-always looking over my shoulder for that fiend disappointment. Sorry for ranting on but thanks for taking the time to read this.
