MaxC

So this weekend I ended up getting totally wasted and the whole time I was just talking to my friend about what makes him not an addict and me an addict. I ended up going on the entire night just having arguments to myself in my head trying to get past the reasons I drink and why other people think differently. It seems that the addict will always say, it's no big deal, just drink and the non-addict will say to themselves it's no big deal just DON'T drink. So really it's the same argument just from different perspectives. I finally realized how to accept who I am, I have always thought of being a tall, white, blond haired, blue eyed, upper-class male as being a burden. I think this is why I always decided substance abuse wouldn't really effect me and I would have to royally mess up before anything really bad happened to my life. After thinking this I realized that my life is pretty darn good and substance abuse is just because I get bored of my good life. After realizing this I realized that I get bored because I never knew how to strive to gain a higher quality of life and just decided to get high instead. I now realize that in order to not want to get high/drunk, I need to have other passions in life that aren't getting high. I have never been the passionate type, always just been lazy and gotten by with the bare minimum, but now I see that it takes a genuine interest in doing something besides just the bare minimum for survival, because if you do that you are not going to know what to do to enjoy yourself besides get under the influence(which everyone enjoys, even non-addicts, they just enjoy other things MORE, which I never did). This is a HUGE epiphany for me and I honestly think it was the turning point of my addiction. I have a sticker on my computer that says, "strive for a higher quality of life" because I think that is the key thing I need to do in order to not want to get high. How do I gain this higher quality of life? I'm not sure, I like golf and swimming and I think that if I just go do those things anytime I feel bored, and do them until I am no longer bored, I will not have such a strong desire to use. It's not that these things are going to consume ALL my time, I will always have time to get high, but if I am interested in other things, I could think about them, read about them, do them etc. instead of thinking about getting high, reading about getting high, and getting high, like I have done in the past. I really hope I don't forget this, although I don't think I will be able to because these thoughts are so powerful to me. I haven't used and really haven't even had the desire to use since Friday when I did this, which is a first for me. It really is, I've never not had the desire to use for even a day. So hopefully I will be able to continue on this path and become a person of substance who has a higher quality of life and is able to get enjoyment out of things that don't cost anything moneywise or get me high. I see now that it is NOT a way to live just enjoying being high, which I used to think had nothing wrong with it. If I'm going to live a hearty, long life I need to realize that drugs and alcohol are not only not the way to do that but they are really the only thing that can screw it up. Also, if you'll notice, I haven't mentioned any higher powers because I don't believe in any and this is how I see it, I need to do it for myself because I love myself and who I am and strive to be. I hope you guys understand what I'm trying to say because it's an extremely complex idea and I suck at writing stuff. I'd like to hear your guys ideas on this too.

smacked

It's actually not THAT complex.. if you want to quit, there's ways to quit. If you're not done, you're not done.

Not sure by your post what your drug(s) of choice are, but you might start with your doctor, and come clean (pun somewhat intended) about everything you are taking/drinking and let him/her know you want help stopping. If beating an addiction were as simple as picking up a new hobby, none of us would be here, no one would struggle. That's the complex part. Obviously addiction/alcoholism is effecting your life in negative ways, it's up to you to change that.. and it's up to you to admit to the help you need, and follow through.

A lot of us have done it.. there's lots of different paths. Counseling, meetings, secular approaches, IOP, rehabs etc.. Join the fight for your life. You will never make a change if you remain merely a passenger.

gunslinger

"substance abuse is just because I get bored of my good life. "

No, substance abuse happens because we CHOOSE to injest addictive substances despite harmful consequences and clear reasons not to.

The solution to substance abuse is so far beyond what you are thinking that I suggest you talk to someone about this idea. It sure sounds like the addict-thinking, seeking the softer, easier way out.

Good luck to ya-

Orfan

... and why does he choose to ingest? Because as he says - he is bored with his life! I disagree that this is far from what getting sober is about. I think it is fantastic that you are analysing your behaviours, etc and trying to find out WHY you do this. I also think its fantastic you are trying to fill your life, and really invest your time, with hobbies and interests. No - this is not going to solve the problem ... but in my eyes - its a hell of a good start. How is trying to fill your life with hobbies and interests - instead of smack - an easy way out?? How is trying to improve your quality of life 'addict thinking'?

Orfan

Apologies ... I referred to 'smack' in the above post as an example only. You havent actually stated what your DOC has ben.

gunslinger

unfortunately, i am finally sober over two and 1/2 years and after many, many, many relapses and falied attempts, i think i know what "addiction" means to me, and what i needed to do to recover day-by-day. I don't think I've been bored a day in my life--my life was full until drugs took over. Now it is full again. However, for this addict, it took much more than re-starting my life's activities again. As I said,
All the best to the both of you--if you can beat addiction with hobbies, my hat is off to you!!

smacked

If what I was doing so far wasn't working, I'd be trying different approaches. But that's just me. A game of golf would never have kept me away from my next fix if I didn't have a plan for my recovery and support in place.

tyler

While I agree with Smacked that quitting is as simple as deciding you are not going to use and sticking with it, I also agree with what you said about finding a "higher purpose" for you life.

I've been clean for about 5 months now, longest time in over 20 years. Recently I've really been haunted by that "emptiness" in my life. I feel like I have no real purpose. I come from a similar socio-economic background as the OP. I've never really had it "hard". There's always been someone to "catch me when I've fallen". In some ways this is good, but in other's it has stunted my growth as a human. I really feel like I need some kind of "passion" in my life to feel more complete as a person. In the past I've filled this void with drugs, but now that I'm not doing that anymore, there is a gaping emptiness that needs to be filled. My fear is if I don't find something to fill it, eventually I will go back to what I know works, drugs.

For me, at least, I don't think sheer willpower alone is enough to keep me clean. I also have to make changes and improvements in myself in order to be sucessful. I'm not a "12 stepper", but it is much the same theory as in 12 step recovery. There are reasons I fell into addict behavior, I don't think I was born an addict. Until I address those things, I will always be at risk of using again.

I encourage the OP to continue that search for a higher quality life. It certainly can't hurt. The warning I would give is to not allow it to become an excuse to use. Don't allow yourself to play the "woe as me" card and go back to using, just because you are having a hard time discovering this "higher quality" life. I would say that finding this "purpose" in your life and staying clean depend on each other. One will not happen without the other. Take care.

Vintersemestre

And his wasn't. What's your point? Are you both the exact same model of robot or something? I don't get why some people fall just short of jumping down people's throats around here for no reason sometimes. He's obviously had some sort of epiphany or been very deep in sincere thought and is just sharing what's on his mind. What's the big deal?

bval

Welcome to the boards Max I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, man, I know where you're coming from.

This being said, at the risk of sounding like some kind of zealot ... my best recommendation is to plop your behind down at some meetings of recovering addicts and/or alcoholics, and get involved with the people who are trying to do the same thing you are trying to do. Read the materials, and do the things that are suggested to you by the people in the program.

For me, I had to stop trying to figure everything out for myself. And believe me, I'm a smart dude, and I have a lot of intellectual pride ... but that doesn't mean I really knew what the hell I was doing when it came to getting clean and staying clean. The whole 'I just need to do ... whatever it is that I *think* I need to do, and then I'll be fine' approach ... it rarely ends up working out.

I don't care how intelligent you might be, trust me on this ... whatever it is that you 'figure out' that you 'need to do, or understand about yourself' ... it will turn out to be maybe 1/10 (at best) a part of what you ACTUALLY 'need to know and understand' in order to stay clean.

I know you feel like you've had some sort of epiphany here, and that's great, but ... honestly, in the overall scheme of things ... not to sound like one, but you don't know d*ck about what you need to do to stay clean. Just like I didn't, back when I was in your shoes.

Think about this for a minute ... wasn't it was your best thinking in the past that's gotten you to the point that you are at right now? What makes you think you are suddenly going to figure it all out all of a sudden, just like a bolt from out of the blue? I'm sorry, but it rarely works that way. The odds are not in your favor.

Personally I think the easiest way moving forward is to put someone or something 'else' in charge of 'the thinking' part of the equation, and just start following the instructions of a more organized program that's been shown to have a reasonable rate of success.

One other thing ... please use paragraphs, amigo

gunslinger

whoa big fella, i was just stating MY experience and MY program--not putting anything on anybody else..

Vintersemestre

In your previous post you attempted discredit his entire post in a rather dismissive manner as being totally without merit. Sorry if I come off standoffish I'm always on my toes around here because I got people gunning for me lol

gunslinger

NP. Didn't intend that. I would not want to profess to understand what is or is not a good program for anyone but myself. I share (hopefully) what works for me.

Wolfchild

Dee74

Again - I'd like to remind people - the forums are not for off topic personal communications or conversations - thats what PMs are for.

thanks,
D

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

lostbutterfly

Hi MaxC

How your thinking reminds me of mine not very long ago. It may work if you have been using a short time and still have some old coping mechanisms intact.

But if you've been out of reality for quite some time, most of the time, then you need to learn how to live all over again. There is no-one better to learn from than those who have done it, and who know how you feel.

I found those people in an AA room, but there are other groups too. Reaching out for help on-line was my first step, and it led to a better life. Keep coming back!