Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny: My Journey of Recovery
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Ugh...So I just noticed a text message I got from a friend in the program that says 'To all of my friends: its better to die fighting 4 freedom then it is being a prisoner 2 urself the rest of da days of ur life peace love n respect'...I got the text about 3 hours ago and just noticed now and called him he didnt answer and Im really concerned. I feel so powerless and pray that everything is ok. Im so bad at handling things like this and feel guilty i didnt notice earlier. It hurts.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
ok so my friend was ok i guess although I do think he is struggling and not fessing up to it. I pray for him thats all i can do. Grateful to be sober and ALIVE today. that is all.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
So i found out another friend from the program killed himself yesterday. I didnt know him really close but he was around alot in my early meeting days and we have a few good convos. Its sad and I empathize, but I try not to feel 'sorry' for him. He just couldnt get it and not everyone is blessed enough to get it, that is something I just have to accept.
Anyways im doing something really crazy, probably borderline insane on saturday. Im going skydiving...Im starting to get a little nervous about it but if I can overcome my fears and everything goes well im sure it will be a great moment in my life. Thats really all I got Ill post back here after the jump to let yall know it went well (hopefully). Peace love respect.
-Pete
Anyways im doing something really crazy, probably borderline insane on saturday. Im going skydiving...Im starting to get a little nervous about it but if I can overcome my fears and everything goes well im sure it will be a great moment in my life. Thats really all I got Ill post back here after the jump to let yall know it went well (hopefully). Peace love respect.
-Pete
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Ok so Im back and ALIVE YAY! Skydiving was such an amazing experience. It was actually pretty spiritual to me. Even tho i had some dude strapped to my back i kind of blocked him out, and when I was up there, plummeting to earth at 120+ mph, it felt like I was alone with god for a few brief moments and it was utterly INCREDIBLE. But anyways lets ur ur story cc, i bet its a good one :P Glad to be alive thats all for now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: cape cod
Posts: 2,320
He went skydiving with his brother and didn't have anyone strapped to HIS back, grr. When I got the phone call that evening, all I said was "which one of you is in the hospital?" Of course, it was him. He landed, took a weird bounce, and broke his back. Compression fracture. He spent four months in bed and after the intial fear, not a lot of sympathy from me!
Glad your experience went better!
Glad your experience went better!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Ugh so i just wrote up a fairly long post and something fked up and it didnt go through...how frustrating.
AAAAAAAAnyways...
So in (now its only 10 minutes) ill have 3 months clean and sober, and have officially worked my first honest and true 90/90...wow how incredible. Ive been in some weird funk that I cant really describe the past couple days. I dont know what it is really or how to explain it. Its not like using cravings. I SURE as hell aint gonna use over this, its really just a minor inconvienence and I know how to cause real problems, and thats not where I want it to go. Maybe that pink cloud everyone talks about is starting to evaporate....I dont know. Ill have to pray to my HP and hope he reveals the next right thing for me. I do know if i keep grinding away through the thick of this, that better more revealing days will come and more and more of these promises and miracles will begin to materialize in my life (many of which already have).
I am coming along in my steps nicely. I finally finished the 4th and 5th and my sponsor also walked me through the 6th and 7th. I think I want to go back and do a little more work on 6 and 7 before I dive into 8. I want to list out all my character defects so I know what I am asking God to remove. I also have been losing touch with my sponsor, which I think might not be a horrible thing. In the beginning I called him everyday. He has been really busy lately and we only talk maybe 3 times a week now and meet up usually once for breakfast and a meeting. I just dont feel like I need to talk to him everyday, maybe Im wrong. I should be having this convo with him and not here. He doesnt always answer or return my calls though, which is a little unsettling. I havent needed him to talk about anything serious yet, but if i did he might not be there for me. Maybe Ill move up the ladder and ask his sponsor if he will help me.
But other than this little rut i been in life has been WONDERFUL. I got some really good friends. This 4th we fellowshiped and went to the navy base for fun and fireworks. It was a great GREAT time and probably my first sober 4th in over a decade.
But thats really all i got for now. I love you all and there is nothing any of you can do about it. Its great to be alive.
-Pete
AAAAAAAAnyways...
So in (now its only 10 minutes) ill have 3 months clean and sober, and have officially worked my first honest and true 90/90...wow how incredible. Ive been in some weird funk that I cant really describe the past couple days. I dont know what it is really or how to explain it. Its not like using cravings. I SURE as hell aint gonna use over this, its really just a minor inconvienence and I know how to cause real problems, and thats not where I want it to go. Maybe that pink cloud everyone talks about is starting to evaporate....I dont know. Ill have to pray to my HP and hope he reveals the next right thing for me. I do know if i keep grinding away through the thick of this, that better more revealing days will come and more and more of these promises and miracles will begin to materialize in my life (many of which already have).
I am coming along in my steps nicely. I finally finished the 4th and 5th and my sponsor also walked me through the 6th and 7th. I think I want to go back and do a little more work on 6 and 7 before I dive into 8. I want to list out all my character defects so I know what I am asking God to remove. I also have been losing touch with my sponsor, which I think might not be a horrible thing. In the beginning I called him everyday. He has been really busy lately and we only talk maybe 3 times a week now and meet up usually once for breakfast and a meeting. I just dont feel like I need to talk to him everyday, maybe Im wrong. I should be having this convo with him and not here. He doesnt always answer or return my calls though, which is a little unsettling. I havent needed him to talk about anything serious yet, but if i did he might not be there for me. Maybe Ill move up the ladder and ask his sponsor if he will help me.
But other than this little rut i been in life has been WONDERFUL. I got some really good friends. This 4th we fellowshiped and went to the navy base for fun and fireworks. It was a great GREAT time and probably my first sober 4th in over a decade.
But thats really all i got for now. I love you all and there is nothing any of you can do about it. Its great to be alive.
-Pete
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Congrats on 90 days brother!!!
BTW, the losing posts thing ... back when I was using FIREFOX, i used to lose my login (and hence my posts, long ones, OFTEN ... grrrr!!!) creds ALL THE TIME and had to retype. It got SO FRIGGIN FRUSTRATING, I finally just said screw it and started using IE, and now everythign works fine. I'm NOT blaming Firefox, it's NOT their fault, its called BAD PROGRAMMING on this site ... And yeah, I know this, because I work at a web design company ...
(hey, check out Century 21 Real Estate LLC ... yeah, we made that ... I did the database that drives the site <bows>)
Anyways if you're also using ff, you might switch to IE for this site, it works better ... not always perfectly, but better.
Again, you're doing great man. Workign the steps, keeping in touch with the sponsor, doing the 90/90. You're all happy and grateful and s*it?!? Ya know, that makes me happy, too!
You are truly a 'model student'. I'm very proud to have been one of the one's who greeted you when you showed up, and helped get you on this path. Stories like yours are why I 'keep coming back' to SR.com
And yeah, the pink cloud effect is real, and it DOES dissipate eventually, that's life. Unfortunately, the disease doesn't do likewise. Feelings are part of life, and they aren't always positive. Find a way to learn from the negative feelings, and then they won't be as much of a bummer. That's all I got, need 2 hit the sizzack. Peace, and congrats again!!!
BTW, the losing posts thing ... back when I was using FIREFOX, i used to lose my login (and hence my posts, long ones, OFTEN ... grrrr!!!) creds ALL THE TIME and had to retype. It got SO FRIGGIN FRUSTRATING, I finally just said screw it and started using IE, and now everythign works fine. I'm NOT blaming Firefox, it's NOT their fault, its called BAD PROGRAMMING on this site ... And yeah, I know this, because I work at a web design company ...
(hey, check out Century 21 Real Estate LLC ... yeah, we made that ... I did the database that drives the site <bows>)
Anyways if you're also using ff, you might switch to IE for this site, it works better ... not always perfectly, but better.
Again, you're doing great man. Workign the steps, keeping in touch with the sponsor, doing the 90/90. You're all happy and grateful and s*it?!? Ya know, that makes me happy, too!
You are truly a 'model student'. I'm very proud to have been one of the one's who greeted you when you showed up, and helped get you on this path. Stories like yours are why I 'keep coming back' to SR.com
And yeah, the pink cloud effect is real, and it DOES dissipate eventually, that's life. Unfortunately, the disease doesn't do likewise. Feelings are part of life, and they aren't always positive. Find a way to learn from the negative feelings, and then they won't be as much of a bummer. That's all I got, need 2 hit the sizzack. Peace, and congrats again!!!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Hey guys...Been a while since I posted I figure its time for an update. Things have been going really well in my recovery. I can feel my spiritual fitness growing everyday to heights I never could have imagined. I know Im not cured by any means, but I do feel really strong about my recovery today.
Tonight I had my first real challenge in recovery. I went to a ball game with some old friends from college/highschool. They all still drink and a few of them use various drugs. And yea they all got pretty wasted. Even my friends 18 year old brother got drunk, haha. I was the only sober one there, and I felt great. No cravings or temptations period. (although I was probably the most belligerant person in the whole stadium...but im prolly one of the biggest cubs fans who went :P ) I was concerned before hand that it might bring out some using cravings, or maybe not cravings but as one of my oldtimer friends calls it 'fomo', aka fear of missing out. And I prayed the week or so leading up to tonight for my HP to give me the strength courage and wisdom to stay on the right path and continue doing the next right thing. Going out with them actually had quite the opposite effect I had anticipated. I volunteered to drive a couple friends since I was planning on not drinking. And listening to their drunk dumb asses reaffirmed how much I DONT miss being like that. Seeing some of the character defects that used to or still do plague me come out so strong like that reminded me that I am on the right path. And Im grateful that I could see it like that, and also grateful that I could have a wonderful time, sober, and with some friends I havent seen in many many MANY months who I do miss. But life goes on, people and situations change, and I know there is no going back even if I wanted to, I have already taken the red pill and no amount of blues will make me forget what I know now.
Another messed up situation I have been dealing with is my dumb ass brother. He got drunk a few nights ago and ended up at my old neighbors house uninvited. My old neighbor was fine with him being there, but then my bro invited some girl over who brought 3 random dudes. Well my old neighbor wanted to go to bed, it was after 1 am, so he asked them all to leave. And the 3 dudes ignored him so my neighbor told them to get the FK OUT! And then they got in his face, and I guess my brother tried to fight one of them. My neighbor tries to break it up, and another one grabs his kitchen knife and my neighbor gets stabbed in the hand. These guys finally go outside, and start breaking everyones car windows, his house windows, causing a total ruckus. My moron brother ran out side and then promptly gets jumped by the 3 guys. So my neighbor goes out to try and help my brother and gets a brick smashed into his nose...It was a total chaotic drunk dumbass fest. The 3 guys eventually got arrested, and are facing multiple felonies. This is like the 5th or 6th serious situation my brother has gotten into with drugs or alcohol, and he is heading down a path towards Hell, I can sense it. I just hope he doesnt have to go as far down or further than I did. He could have died, or my neighbor. I pray for him, thats all I can do at this point. And lead by example by showing him the path I am on and letting him know there IS a solution, once the pain and unmanagability begin to outweigh his denial.
Anyways thats all I got tonight...love u all.
Tonight I had my first real challenge in recovery. I went to a ball game with some old friends from college/highschool. They all still drink and a few of them use various drugs. And yea they all got pretty wasted. Even my friends 18 year old brother got drunk, haha. I was the only sober one there, and I felt great. No cravings or temptations period. (although I was probably the most belligerant person in the whole stadium...but im prolly one of the biggest cubs fans who went :P ) I was concerned before hand that it might bring out some using cravings, or maybe not cravings but as one of my oldtimer friends calls it 'fomo', aka fear of missing out. And I prayed the week or so leading up to tonight for my HP to give me the strength courage and wisdom to stay on the right path and continue doing the next right thing. Going out with them actually had quite the opposite effect I had anticipated. I volunteered to drive a couple friends since I was planning on not drinking. And listening to their drunk dumb asses reaffirmed how much I DONT miss being like that. Seeing some of the character defects that used to or still do plague me come out so strong like that reminded me that I am on the right path. And Im grateful that I could see it like that, and also grateful that I could have a wonderful time, sober, and with some friends I havent seen in many many MANY months who I do miss. But life goes on, people and situations change, and I know there is no going back even if I wanted to, I have already taken the red pill and no amount of blues will make me forget what I know now.
Another messed up situation I have been dealing with is my dumb ass brother. He got drunk a few nights ago and ended up at my old neighbors house uninvited. My old neighbor was fine with him being there, but then my bro invited some girl over who brought 3 random dudes. Well my old neighbor wanted to go to bed, it was after 1 am, so he asked them all to leave. And the 3 dudes ignored him so my neighbor told them to get the FK OUT! And then they got in his face, and I guess my brother tried to fight one of them. My neighbor tries to break it up, and another one grabs his kitchen knife and my neighbor gets stabbed in the hand. These guys finally go outside, and start breaking everyones car windows, his house windows, causing a total ruckus. My moron brother ran out side and then promptly gets jumped by the 3 guys. So my neighbor goes out to try and help my brother and gets a brick smashed into his nose...It was a total chaotic drunk dumbass fest. The 3 guys eventually got arrested, and are facing multiple felonies. This is like the 5th or 6th serious situation my brother has gotten into with drugs or alcohol, and he is heading down a path towards Hell, I can sense it. I just hope he doesnt have to go as far down or further than I did. He could have died, or my neighbor. I pray for him, thats all I can do at this point. And lead by example by showing him the path I am on and letting him know there IS a solution, once the pain and unmanagability begin to outweigh his denial.
Anyways thats all I got tonight...love u all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry about your brother, but YOU sound great!!! I love being able to have a good time with old friends and still be the sober one.
I'm glad you checked in....keep doing what you're doing because it seems to be working!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you checked in....keep doing what you're doing because it seems to be working!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
LAME!
Not you, the three dudes in the story above.
YOU on the other hand, Pete my friend, are doing awesome work!
Congrats on meeting and exceeding the challenge of the 'ball game with the drunken old friends from back in the day'. That *IS* a tough one for people who aren't truly prepared.
You appear to be, as I like to say, 'getting it'. Making the changes in mindset that are so essential for people like us. Doing the legwork. I'm proud of you man. Keep it up!
Not you, the three dudes in the story above.
YOU on the other hand, Pete my friend, are doing awesome work!
Congrats on meeting and exceeding the challenge of the 'ball game with the drunken old friends from back in the day'. That *IS* a tough one for people who aren't truly prepared.
You appear to be, as I like to say, 'getting it'. Making the changes in mindset that are so essential for people like us. Doing the legwork. I'm proud of you man. Keep it up!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Alright I need to tell on myself about something. The other night as I was pulling up to my house, I had a thought of using. And I get out of my car and went into my brothers car...Opened up his glove and bam there was an ounce of weed sitting right there. I had a flash of thoughts, first about how ****** up I could be and instantly after had my sobriety flash before my eyes. I saw in a literal heartbeat everything I have worked for unravel and I got terrified. Like, really scared. And then I slammed his door and ran inside and prayed thanking my HP for helping me make the right decision and do the next right thing, which was not to use. It was scary because I havent had much cravings since I relapsed and while the cravings were fleeting this time I did act on impulse and the fact that I even checked my brothers car is giving me guilt. Its kind of like a behavioral relapse to me. I just needed to share about this because I cant risk keeping it to myself...Even if i made the right decision. Anyways grateful to be sober tonight, thanks all!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Life has been going great for me the past week or so. And I celebrated 4 months of continuous sobriety yesterday...yay!!! This past weekend I went camping up in the northwoods of wisconsin. It was an AA retreat thingy and the whole site was rented out by people in the program. I had the most amazing time. Went to some good, non traditional style campfire meetings and did some quality fellowshipping. I stayed up all night with 2 good friends and we watched the stars, it was so AMAZING. Saw atleast a hundred meteoroids, bunch of satellites, and other random cool astronomical oddities. We were having such a great clean sober time before we knew it the stars were fading and the sun was coming up.
Its so crazy to think how far I have come. That today I am learning to enjoy life and feel good without the aid of substances. Today my happiness comes from within instead of the short pseudo-enjoyment I used to get from drugs. Today I can be grateful for what I have instead of living in hell in that eternal search for one more. And thats a miracle. Sometimes when I go to meetings and they open with the promises I close my eyes and listen deeply. And while I have yet to experience all of those promises, every day I either recognize a new one I have not before or I get a deeper understanding for one that I have already lived in my short time in sobriety. Looking back at the depressing state of my previous hoplessness, I never would have thought I could do anything like this; enjoy life on life's terms or even understand what the hell that meant. But I am learning to, and I am loving what I have seen so far. All the pain and agony I had to endure, and that pain was a must for me to get where I am now, is so insignificant compared to where it has led me so far. The path out of darkness into the light has been at times grueling, and im sure there will be more bumps in the road to come, but as long as I stay on this path I KNOW things will be ok.
Its so crazy to think how far I have come. That today I am learning to enjoy life and feel good without the aid of substances. Today my happiness comes from within instead of the short pseudo-enjoyment I used to get from drugs. Today I can be grateful for what I have instead of living in hell in that eternal search for one more. And thats a miracle. Sometimes when I go to meetings and they open with the promises I close my eyes and listen deeply. And while I have yet to experience all of those promises, every day I either recognize a new one I have not before or I get a deeper understanding for one that I have already lived in my short time in sobriety. Looking back at the depressing state of my previous hoplessness, I never would have thought I could do anything like this; enjoy life on life's terms or even understand what the hell that meant. But I am learning to, and I am loving what I have seen so far. All the pain and agony I had to endure, and that pain was a must for me to get where I am now, is so insignificant compared to where it has led me so far. The path out of darkness into the light has been at times grueling, and im sure there will be more bumps in the road to come, but as long as I stay on this path I KNOW things will be ok.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Hello everyone its been tooooooooooo long since I last posted. So tonight I was leaving my sponsors house after a card game at like 3 am, and I got pulled over. It was an interesting experience, being pulled over and not having to worry about where my drugs were located in the car. Anyways he starts by pulling my leg saying i was going 45 in a 30 and I know for a fact i was doing 30-35, I saw him as soon as he pulled out and behind me and made sure to check my speed. So he goes and runs my info and what not and then comes back and asks me how much I had to drink tonight... "not a drop sir." He goes on to ask why he smells alcohol. I respond saying that is a good question (dontcha love cops and their BS :P ) He asked if I used any drugs tonight, to which i reply no sir. He said he had a hard time believing I didnt have ANYTHING to drink, and shined the light in my eyes and snickered at me. I felt sorta guilty at that moment even though I was STONE sober. I know he was just doing his job and about 90% of people driving at 3am on a holiday weekend probably had atleast something to drink. Anyways I told him I was in AA. He asked how long Ive been sober, to which I lied and said 6 months even though im only coming up to 5 (it wasnt really a conscious lie i just blurted it out). He then went back to his car again, came back gave me my ID and let me go. It felt really good to have nothing to hide, to not worry about how many laws I was breaking or how long I might have to sit in jail if I get caught. Moments like these make me so appreciative of my new way of life. Being a semi productive citizen and not some freakish outlaw is so drastic a change yet such an enjoyable one from my old way of life. I love sobriety.
Anyways I had another struggle a couple weeks ago that I havent posted about and I feel the need to. I had the worst cravings I have had since my relapse and I acted on them, to an extent. I went into my brothers car searching for weed and found some. I took some of it and thought about using. But then something amazing happened, something Im not really used to. All these meetings, the tools ive learned, my relationship with my HP...All these things bought me a few precious seconds to think. Not to long ago I didnt have those seconds, that buffer zone of deliberate thought. It was impulse, and reaction almost seamlessly. And in those few seconds I considered all I have to lose, how much I value my new way of life and dont need to fall back to my old active addiction. I ended up flushing the weed I took and immediately prayed. I surrendered again, and it felt truly amazing. In the end I did the next right thing, and I woke up the next morning and felt like A MILLION BUCKS! Thank God for God and his will, instead of mine.
Hope u all have a great holiday weekend, BE GOOD!
Anyways I had another struggle a couple weeks ago that I havent posted about and I feel the need to. I had the worst cravings I have had since my relapse and I acted on them, to an extent. I went into my brothers car searching for weed and found some. I took some of it and thought about using. But then something amazing happened, something Im not really used to. All these meetings, the tools ive learned, my relationship with my HP...All these things bought me a few precious seconds to think. Not to long ago I didnt have those seconds, that buffer zone of deliberate thought. It was impulse, and reaction almost seamlessly. And in those few seconds I considered all I have to lose, how much I value my new way of life and dont need to fall back to my old active addiction. I ended up flushing the weed I took and immediately prayed. I surrendered again, and it felt truly amazing. In the end I did the next right thing, and I woke up the next morning and felt like A MILLION BUCKS! Thank God for God and his will, instead of mine.
Hope u all have a great holiday weekend, BE GOOD!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Just checking in here, got a few things on my mind recently. To start today I am celebrating 5 months of no drugs/alcohol!!! Things are coming along, some days better than others but I do feel myself growing in the grand scheme of things. I am getting ready to complete my 8th step and do the 9th (go out and make amends to those I have harmed) and I am not feeling too thrilled about it. Given the vast distance I have covered so far in my recovery it is very humiliating, and sometimes shameful or guilt stricken to think about and relive some of my darkest wrong doings. And the thought of admitting them to the very people I have harmed at times makes me worried and fearful. But I know I need to clean house, empty my closet of skeletons so that I may continue to grow on this path. And in that regard I feel I am completely willing to make these amends, no matter how apprehensive the mere thought of them makes me feel.
Something else bothering me is I feel like I still have trouble sharing what I am feeling or going through, especially with my sponsor. I hardly come to him with issues, even when I do have things that bother me. I question if I am getting the most out of him and the tools I have, and wonder how shaky my recovery would be if I faced serious problems that so far thankfully have eluded me. And I dont know if that is just me thinking too much or if its a valid concern, something I often find myself asking myself. Sometimes I just feel like I have issues with talking or expressing the things that bother me, which can be very destructive given that my own best thinking has usually ended in hoplessness and despair. These are some things I need to start working on, so that I can grow and progress further in my recovery.
And finally my last issue bothering me now is something that has been going on with another girl. I kinda have feelings, stronger than 'just friends' for a girl I have known for a while in the program and it is a mutual thing. But I dont know that Im ready for a relationship outside of the friends realm yet, and Im pretty sure she isnt (she only has a couple months sober and I just had 5.) I question some of my own motives for how I act with her and what my intentions are. I dont want to hurt her, confuse her, or jeapordize her or my sobriety...but I also do want to connect with her both emotionally and sexually. And while we havent crossed the sexual barrier yet I think we have breached the emotional one to some degree. And its also tricky because I am decent friends with her sponsor and most of her friends in the program, and sometimes it feels like I wouldnt just be having a relationship with her but with her sponsor too. Its just sort of scary, to know that I could be willingly compromising my own serenity. But I dont want to be alone forever...I have to learn how to have healthy relationships with women eventually. How will I know when I am ready? When it is right?
There is still much work for me to do, many things for me to discover about myself and about life. When I start to get overwhelmed with things I need to remember all this simple stuff I hear all the time; keep it simple, one day at a time, the next right thing. These things give me brief glimpses of serenity when the thoughts begin to churn out of control and my mind goes into overdrive. And most of all I need to keep growing spiritually, establishing deeper connections with my HP so that I can do the next right thing, stay sober, and uncover these truths about me and about life. Thanks all.
Something else bothering me is I feel like I still have trouble sharing what I am feeling or going through, especially with my sponsor. I hardly come to him with issues, even when I do have things that bother me. I question if I am getting the most out of him and the tools I have, and wonder how shaky my recovery would be if I faced serious problems that so far thankfully have eluded me. And I dont know if that is just me thinking too much or if its a valid concern, something I often find myself asking myself. Sometimes I just feel like I have issues with talking or expressing the things that bother me, which can be very destructive given that my own best thinking has usually ended in hoplessness and despair. These are some things I need to start working on, so that I can grow and progress further in my recovery.
And finally my last issue bothering me now is something that has been going on with another girl. I kinda have feelings, stronger than 'just friends' for a girl I have known for a while in the program and it is a mutual thing. But I dont know that Im ready for a relationship outside of the friends realm yet, and Im pretty sure she isnt (she only has a couple months sober and I just had 5.) I question some of my own motives for how I act with her and what my intentions are. I dont want to hurt her, confuse her, or jeapordize her or my sobriety...but I also do want to connect with her both emotionally and sexually. And while we havent crossed the sexual barrier yet I think we have breached the emotional one to some degree. And its also tricky because I am decent friends with her sponsor and most of her friends in the program, and sometimes it feels like I wouldnt just be having a relationship with her but with her sponsor too. Its just sort of scary, to know that I could be willingly compromising my own serenity. But I dont want to be alone forever...I have to learn how to have healthy relationships with women eventually. How will I know when I am ready? When it is right?
There is still much work for me to do, many things for me to discover about myself and about life. When I start to get overwhelmed with things I need to remember all this simple stuff I hear all the time; keep it simple, one day at a time, the next right thing. These things give me brief glimpses of serenity when the thoughts begin to churn out of control and my mind goes into overdrive. And most of all I need to keep growing spiritually, establishing deeper connections with my HP so that I can do the next right thing, stay sober, and uncover these truths about me and about life. Thanks all.
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