Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny: My Journey of Recovery
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny: My Journey of Recovery
Hello everyone. I have been a member of these boards for a few months now and am returning from a 'trip back out there.' I am making a new forum name because the anonymity of my other one was compromised...well never really existed, and there were people from IRL checking up on me on these boards that were influencing the type of things I posted.
Anyways...
So I hit my first real rock bottom some time in late December of last year. I was hopeless, desperate, and spiritually bankrupt. Im right back in the same position. My journey towards re-rock bottom happened with a few simple puffs of weed, and a strong case of the fk its. And before I knew it I was stealing vicodins and eventually looking for heroin. It took me less than a week to cover all this ground. On last friday I finally went and scored some dope, with some sick and twisted idea that going on a little weekend heroin holiday would be ok. Well it wasnt. Last time I cleaned up I was worried about the withdrawls, this time those arent my concern at all, its just wondering how I will ever make it out of this dark, empty hole that has become my mind. I dont want to do drugs...I dont. But when I get that impulse that has engraved itself in my primal instincts I just dont know how to deal with it.
I question my own sanity daily, and although I dont think im totally suicidal I dont know if I even want to live with this disease anymore. I dont know if its worth having to fight everyday just to stay sober, and then the addict within trys to convince me that im not even happy when im sober. But I know im more happy sober than I am now. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Im going to be getting back into meetings, which I have completely blown off for the past 2ish weeks. I know I need those everyday to survive. It sucks because I have a decent job now, that I got while I was sober. And I have been blowing off days, calling in 'sick' etc the past couple weeks, and I know its going to catch up with me very soon. The irresponsibility of my 'responsibilities' already have on a conscious level. And tonight I will pray to my HP who I have also lost touch with the last week+, and ask for his guidance to get me back on track with life. I need his guidance, because my own just isnt good enough.
Anyways...
So I hit my first real rock bottom some time in late December of last year. I was hopeless, desperate, and spiritually bankrupt. Im right back in the same position. My journey towards re-rock bottom happened with a few simple puffs of weed, and a strong case of the fk its. And before I knew it I was stealing vicodins and eventually looking for heroin. It took me less than a week to cover all this ground. On last friday I finally went and scored some dope, with some sick and twisted idea that going on a little weekend heroin holiday would be ok. Well it wasnt. Last time I cleaned up I was worried about the withdrawls, this time those arent my concern at all, its just wondering how I will ever make it out of this dark, empty hole that has become my mind. I dont want to do drugs...I dont. But when I get that impulse that has engraved itself in my primal instincts I just dont know how to deal with it.
I question my own sanity daily, and although I dont think im totally suicidal I dont know if I even want to live with this disease anymore. I dont know if its worth having to fight everyday just to stay sober, and then the addict within trys to convince me that im not even happy when im sober. But I know im more happy sober than I am now. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Im going to be getting back into meetings, which I have completely blown off for the past 2ish weeks. I know I need those everyday to survive. It sucks because I have a decent job now, that I got while I was sober. And I have been blowing off days, calling in 'sick' etc the past couple weeks, and I know its going to catch up with me very soon. The irresponsibility of my 'responsibilities' already have on a conscious level. And tonight I will pray to my HP who I have also lost touch with the last week+, and ask for his guidance to get me back on track with life. I need his guidance, because my own just isnt good enough.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Welcome to SR!
Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. It's gonna be ok.
Ok, I take it you don't think you are going to be dope sick and going through withdrawls. That's a good thing.
You still have your job, as far as you know, right? Just don't do anything more to risk losing it.
Now, for the most important things here.
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
You knew that one was coming, didn't ya?
Seriously, you know what you need to do. Get back to your meetings. There are plenty of meetings out there that I'm sure you can get to at least one a day and still work. Do you have a Sponsor? I see you didn't mention that. A Sponsor is soooo very important, especially right now. For me, everytime I went back out, I found that if I didn't own it to at least one other person, I carried that guilt and shame with me that just intensified inside and caused me to go back out again. Viscious cycle, you know what I mean.
You spoke of your Higher Power. You know He is all forgiving. Just ask for Him to come into your soul and grant you some peace. He will.
You said that you aren't happy even when you're sober. Have you done any Step work or were you just going to meetings? I know when I went through my years of going in and out of the Program, I wasn't really and truly working the Steps. That's where the inner peace will come into your life. That's where the true happiness will fill your heart. I know that from experience. I first went into treatment at 18 and tried to do things my way, go to meetings but not work the Steps or use a Sponsor like I was supposed to. This had me nick named the Queen of Relapse. No joke. I bounced in and out for 25 years until finally, by the Grace of God and complete surrender, I have been Clean and Sober as well as happy, joyous and free from the grip of this disease since July 25, 2005. If this old broad can do it, you can tooo! lol
Go to YouTube and check out some of the videos from Nikki Sixx and Sixx AM. He's the bass player for Motley Crue who put his diary of the last year he was using heroin into a book called the Heroin Diaries. He has a soundtrack to the book. The entire CD is full of songs about Recovery. They are awesome. Listen to "Accidents Can Happen" It's about relapse. These songs are so very deep that they bring tears to my eyes. Not depressing songs at all. It's kinda like listening to the soundtrack of my life since I surrendered and am truly alive for the first time in my life!
Hang in there.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. It's gonna be ok.
Ok, I take it you don't think you are going to be dope sick and going through withdrawls. That's a good thing.
You still have your job, as far as you know, right? Just don't do anything more to risk losing it.
Now, for the most important things here.
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
You knew that one was coming, didn't ya?
Seriously, you know what you need to do. Get back to your meetings. There are plenty of meetings out there that I'm sure you can get to at least one a day and still work. Do you have a Sponsor? I see you didn't mention that. A Sponsor is soooo very important, especially right now. For me, everytime I went back out, I found that if I didn't own it to at least one other person, I carried that guilt and shame with me that just intensified inside and caused me to go back out again. Viscious cycle, you know what I mean.
You spoke of your Higher Power. You know He is all forgiving. Just ask for Him to come into your soul and grant you some peace. He will.
You said that you aren't happy even when you're sober. Have you done any Step work or were you just going to meetings? I know when I went through my years of going in and out of the Program, I wasn't really and truly working the Steps. That's where the inner peace will come into your life. That's where the true happiness will fill your heart. I know that from experience. I first went into treatment at 18 and tried to do things my way, go to meetings but not work the Steps or use a Sponsor like I was supposed to. This had me nick named the Queen of Relapse. No joke. I bounced in and out for 25 years until finally, by the Grace of God and complete surrender, I have been Clean and Sober as well as happy, joyous and free from the grip of this disease since July 25, 2005. If this old broad can do it, you can tooo! lol
Go to YouTube and check out some of the videos from Nikki Sixx and Sixx AM. He's the bass player for Motley Crue who put his diary of the last year he was using heroin into a book called the Heroin Diaries. He has a soundtrack to the book. The entire CD is full of songs about Recovery. They are awesome. Listen to "Accidents Can Happen" It's about relapse. These songs are so very deep that they bring tears to my eyes. Not depressing songs at all. It's kinda like listening to the soundtrack of my life since I surrendered and am truly alive for the first time in my life!
Hang in there.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
Hi, Glad you posted. I also have no control over dope either but what I am doing is going to meetings, posting here, and working the steps (best i can ......... at times anyway)
The daily fight will get easier as the days go on.
Keep posting and don't use for any reason. If ya get a case of the fk it's .....then say f*ck it Im not going to use! Then pickup the phone and call someone or go straight to a meeting.
...Joe
The daily fight will get easier as the days go on.
Keep posting and don't use for any reason. If ya get a case of the fk it's .....then say f*ck it Im not going to use! Then pickup the phone and call someone or go straight to a meeting.
...Joe
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Thanks everyone for the replies. When I said I wasnt worried about the withdrawls, that didnt mean I doubted I would be having them, because right now im smack in the middle of a mild case. I just meant that I wasnt really fearful of them, I wasnt going to use withdrawls as an excuse to prolong my using. I called in sick to work again today because I just didnt feel like dealing with WDs and life at the same time. I really think im going to get fired soon, which wont be the end of the world but it will def hurt a little. And I keep burying myself under mountains of lies and ******** for whatever reasons, its going to be really hard to dig myself out when I am ready. I have lied to my parents over and over the past couple weeks, they kind of suspect something since i dropped out of meetings but I insistently tell them its because im 'sick', which I guess isnt a complete lie but you get the point. They are really worried for me and the thought of having to 'come clean' to them AGAIN really makes me bock. But its something I will have to do, eventually, along with owning up for all the other lapses in judgment and responsibility.
Serenity Queen I did some research on the Heroin Diaries and I must say I am truly intrigued. Being a child of the early 80s I was too young to really appreciate Motley Crue, but after reading some of Nikki Sixx's writings Im probably gonna go buy the book sometime this week. Thanks for that little recomendation.
Serenity Queen I did some research on the Heroin Diaries and I must say I am truly intrigued. Being a child of the early 80s I was too young to really appreciate Motley Crue, but after reading some of Nikki Sixx's writings Im probably gonna go buy the book sometime this week. Thanks for that little recomendation.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
So I dragged myself out of bed to a NA meeting tonight, which I was trying to convince myself out of all day. But in the end I went, and thats all that really matters. I wanted to go back to the place I was going to daily for AA meetings, but I felt ashamed and a million other excuses so I looked up an NA meeting instead. And it was ok, a little diferent than the meeting style im used to but I did get alot out of going. The WDs are kickin my ass a little more than I thought they would but thats ok really. I dont know if ill make it to work tomorrow, I dont know if im even ready for the responsibility of a job right now. But Atleast Im sober today, thats all that really matters in my book.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Gatlinburg, TN
Posts: 244
Welcome back. Glad you posted this. It brings back memories about how things were for me. The details of your story are a bit different, but, as I am sure everyone here can attest, the concept, its the same.
At this point, I'm pushing a couple of years clean, and can tell you that that time in my life is just a memory. It takes daily vigilance to stay sober, but we can become happy warriors against our demons.
Simply put, you most certainly can get back to a normal lifesytle. It takes work and dedication, but when you finally want it, you can get it. Don't wait too long though....
Also, I am pulling for you and will mention you in the prayers to my diety.
At this point, I'm pushing a couple of years clean, and can tell you that that time in my life is just a memory. It takes daily vigilance to stay sober, but we can become happy warriors against our demons.
Simply put, you most certainly can get back to a normal lifesytle. It takes work and dedication, but when you finally want it, you can get it. Don't wait too long though....
Also, I am pulling for you and will mention you in the prayers to my diety.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Sometimes Im so lonely, and I hate it, and in a sick and twisted way it makes me think that drugs are my friend and will be there for me when nobody else is. It really hurts sometimes, more now that im on the tail end of WDs. Especially when night comes around, its like its just me and my thoughts and they usually arent good ones. Im sick of struggling with this, im sick of being alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
When I'm feeling like "no one is there for me", I just stick close to SR....read through the posts, get to know the people here. It's gotten me through a few long nights and I woke up the next day clean!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Couple days totally clean now and i feel a lot better. It feels so good to crawl out of that dark hole that is at times my mind. Been going back to meetings, now i need to work on getting a sponsor and actually taking his advice. Thats all i got tonight, but im grateful i didnt have to use to cope with life today.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
I just wanted to add im scared to go back to work on monday. I called in sick basically all last week and lied a bunch. I just have this guilt about it that is eating me up...But the show must go on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: WA
Posts: 159
You're doing the right thing, I know from past relapses the dilemma we face when the physical W/D's are passing and there just isn't the will to show up for life. I was sunk in the deepest depression imaginable after the physical withdrawals passed and it seemed to come and go in waves for months - but hang in there - no matter what your head tells you, you are NOT f%^ked for life, it will definitely pass! I also know what it's like to try and save face at work when recovering from a relapse.
Remember also that part of the NA Basic Text, from 'We Do Recover': When at the end of the road, we find that we are unable to function as human beings with or without the use of drugs. We all face the same dilemma, what is there left to do, go on to the bitter ends: jails, institutions and death or find a new way to live.
I have had 2+ years since my last relapse and although I still have some days I'd rather forget, I wouldn't trade it for the oblivion and slavery of drug addiction again.
Get back to meetings, saturate your life with NA, get a trust worthy Sponsor, work the steps and get involved in service - it'll keep you in the right head-space.
Take Care!
Remember also that part of the NA Basic Text, from 'We Do Recover': When at the end of the road, we find that we are unable to function as human beings with or without the use of drugs. We all face the same dilemma, what is there left to do, go on to the bitter ends: jails, institutions and death or find a new way to live.
I have had 2+ years since my last relapse and although I still have some days I'd rather forget, I wouldn't trade it for the oblivion and slavery of drug addiction again.
Get back to meetings, saturate your life with NA, get a trust worthy Sponsor, work the steps and get involved in service - it'll keep you in the right head-space.
Take Care!
Waiting For Engines
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 572
Originally Posted by Tryin2Recover 
I just wanted to add im scared to go back to work on monday. I called in sick basically all last week and lied a bunch. I just have this guilt about it that is eating me up...But the show must go on.
Your story is identical to mine--but I am older than you, if you are a child of the 80s and please, take heed and stop "working on getting a sponsor" and get one. Like now! That is how the show goes on, in part.
I am sorry for my urgent tone, but you are on the brink of losing so much.
Can you take a leave of absence from your job by using your vacation time, if you have any? Or FAMA leave? You need to recover now and I know that fear of Monday.
I am certain that we all know the lies we tell because of our using. I know we all want to make ammends. But, you must not two-step yourself, Tryin, because I just know that horrible, knawing fear you have.
Can you even make it to work now?
Please stay on here and let us know how you are, okay?
It is so crazy to see you playing out my life now, and I am hoping you are smarter than me. Don't throw your job away, while you may be able to save it by taking the time you need to recover from the withdrawals and everything else.
Last edited by ksos; 04-13-2008 at 11:09 PM. Reason: My horrendous computer makes all the mistakes!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Thanks for the comments everyone they really help. I went into work today and it went fine. I dont think I will lose my job if i keep working my recovery and keep doing the next right thing, but another trip out there and its all gone, I just know. Been going to meetings everyday, and the WDs are about over. Just a few minor symptoms but not bad enough to keep me on my ass all day. Im just really grateful to be sober today.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Today was a good day. I have about a week totally clean and sober now, and I got a new sponsor tonight. Im hopeful things work out this time around, but I know its gonna take more than a different sponsor. Its gonna take all the willingness i can muster. Im gonna have to take the suggestions I always hear; pick up that phone (cuz i have LOTS of numbers already), pray, and read the book. I know how weak i am reguardless of how good i feel today, i know that addict is sitting patiently within waiting for the perfect moment to strike. And i also know that moment will come, inevitably, and hopefully this time I use the tools I have been given to ward him back into his little hole.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
So today I went to a speaker AA meeting, the guy who spoke was celebrating 50 years of sobriety. It was pretty amazing to see someone with that kind of clean time, and throughout the whole room there had to have been over a milenium of clean time. Its reassuring to know that this does work and if i keep trying my best I too can one day break this. I also went out to eat with my new sponsor and I think he will be a good fit for me, I can really relate to him since he is younger and we have a lot in common. He made me call my old sponsor and let him know how i was doing because I had been putting that off for a while now. Im just really hopeful today, and sober. Oh and its 4/20, and I know it sounds ******** but this was my favorite holiday...But I have the choice not to use today and God willing I will make the right one.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Hello Tryin!2Recover!
I believe I was the first one to respond to your thread when you started it on April 8 and it's apparent that you have found some inner peace in less than 2 weeks. Keep up the great work!
I would like to thank you for your honesty by owning your relapse and sharing the feelings that went right along with it. Us addicts have a very hard time owning our sh*t.
I wish you the best of luck in your Recovery. You seem to have a great Plan in place.
Keep us updated!
God Bess,
Judy
I believe I was the first one to respond to your thread when you started it on April 8 and it's apparent that you have found some inner peace in less than 2 weeks. Keep up the great work!
I would like to thank you for your honesty by owning your relapse and sharing the feelings that went right along with it. Us addicts have a very hard time owning our sh*t.
I wish you the best of luck in your Recovery. You seem to have a great Plan in place.
Keep us updated!
God Bess,
Judy
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Got a little over 2 weeks clean now. Its been ups and downs but more in the middle. I just havent been incredibly ecstatic about life or really happy or anything, but not horribly depressed either. I guess im just lonely alot. I dont have many friends anymore outside of the fellowship, and sometimes that really gets me down. I guess im still having a hard time adjusting from college to real life still, working and trying to be responsible and all that stuff. But people tell me it gets better, so im gonna try my best to stick around until these miracles start to happen.
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